A Day In The Life (10472 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 76 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fungah (View user info) at 2008-02-19 19:05:53 EST
My life is hard is a phrase that's bandied about too often, but in my case it's all too true. My girlfriend pissed on the rug yesterday, seven times, because she couldn't find the toilet. My father died in a tragic swimming accident: the pool ladder disappeared and he drowned. My house has been on fire four times during the past week and I can't explain how, but more and more pink flamingoes keep appearing on my lawn and all my wallpaper was puke green when I woke up this morning.
January 12th, 2008
I began today like any other. As per usual, I spent the first three hours I was up cooking a microwave dinner, and spent the usual two hours eating it. Before the car that usually picks me up for work showed up, I hit on the gardener for a while. Something tells me that she's into me. With the gardener walking in the other direction, I went into the living room and danced for a while. I was almost late for work, but luckily I dashed out to the curb in time to get into the car angrily honking its horn at my doorstep. As usual I blacked out for eight hours, regaining consciousness as I found myself back at my flaming home. My wife had set the house on fire again, I realized, as I walked through the door to discover the charred remains of my kitchen, a puddle of urine on the floor and the dishevelled uniform of a firefighter next to my wife's sundress. This was business as usual, so I sat down in front of the television and watched some horror movies. Bored of this, I caught the fireman on his way out and we talked about the weather for a while.
January 20th 2008
There's another floor on my house. What. The. Fuck.
January 21st
I just got promoted. I don't know what the hell it is that I due during the eight hour blackout that constitutes my work day, but I must have been doing it well. I'm an astronaut now.
February 3rd
I checked out the third floor of the house today. It's just huge and full of more of those god damned pink flamingos with this luxurious red shag carpeting and oak-paneled walls. I passed my wife on the stairs back on my way to the family room. She was on her way to our room with the policeman that had recently stopped a cat burglar in a striped jumpsuit from stealing our fridge. He's a pretty swell guy actually, his name's Chuck.
February 5th
While eating in a puddle of urine in my kitchen, I saw the ghost of my long-deceased father Mortimer. He just kind of floated around nonchalantly. I offered him some of my rock tailed lobster but he just made scary faces at me. It scared me shitless.
February 6th
My wife set the house on fire again today. I really need to invest in some cooking lessons. I talked the grim reaper into sparing her life, and no sooner did I do so then a stork brought us our first born baby. I thought it looked a lot like the fireman, but my wife assured me it didn't, pissed herself, turned on the radio, and danced for three hours.
February 7th
A crib has appeared for the baby on the third floor. Assumedly, whatever twisted demi-god is responsible for me during my daily astronauting must have built that horrid flamingo trap for my newborn infant.
February 8th
It's 2 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. The baby's cries are keeping me up. I made my way upstairs around midnight to give our infant a goodnight kiss, but its crib is surrounded by an impregnable wall of flamingoes.
5 PM
I just got home from work. The Mrs. set the house on fire again. I tried to get upstairs in hopes of feeding our newborn (its name is Fingernails, but I have no idea how I know this). Unfortunately for me and Fingernails the wall of flamingoes was twice as thick and three times as impregnable as it was before. I'm worried that social services is going to take the baby away, and that eight foot tall rabbit I seem to be talking with more and more is making me nervous.
February 10th
The social services woman came around to take the baby, just as I'd feared. Unfortunately, the stairs to the third floor vanished just as she came into our home so she's spent the last six hours eating our food and flirting with my wife. I got demoted back to pizza delivery guy which means less money. Life just isn't fair.
Febraury 11th
The baby's dead, and I walked in on my wife sleeping with the social services lady.
February 14th
The social services woman, her name is Marlene, is still here. She's taken to sleeping in the corner of our family room, and much like my wife I've yet to see her use the toilet. The house reeks of piss. Our toilet is the most expensive thing in our house, a $1,200 job covered in blinking lights, and I seem to be the only one that knows where it is or how to use it. I split up with my wife when I caught her with Marlene, but virtually nothing has changed save for the non-stop sexual romps my wife and Marlene have been having in our brand new heart shaped hot-tub. I don't like the way the flamingoes are looking at them, and the baby's starting to stink. It's stopped crying though, which is a plus. I've been working out and practicing talking in the mirror, I think if I can keep this up I just might get my astronaut job back.
I hate my life.
User Reviews
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2008-04-29 03:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very good... don't know about B@W quality, but definitely worth +2.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-04-08 22:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe I missed this. The fact that breakfast took 5 hours to make and eat tipped me off. I clearly have no life. This is aces.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-29 10:27:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff...
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-02-25 15:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-02-23 21:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow b@w
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-02-21 21:44:22 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking AWESOME.
Even though I recognized the sims right away, it was still hilarious... I sounded like this:
Heehheeeheeheehee
heeheeheeheehee
heeeheeheehhee
ahahahahahahahahaha
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahha
hehehehehehehehe
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:44:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking AWESOME.
Even though I recognized the sims right away, it was still hilarious... I sounded like this:
Heehheeeheeheehee
heeheeheeheehee
heeeheeheehhee
ahahahahahahahahaha
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahha
hehehehehehehehe
Submitted by BritishBeef (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:47:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by mikeeegeee (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't often comment, but I felt compelled to do so for this for the following reasons:
As I read, I felt as though I was reading a combination of:
1. A Salvador Dali/surrealist painting
2. Hunter S. Thompson
3. Acid trip
And the fact that you managed to put the three of those together and pull it off so well was fantastic. And the twist made it a masterpiece.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-02-21 16:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-21 11:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
UBER IS A SERIOUS WRITERS FORUM. I AM QUITTING AND NOW WILL ONLY POST MY SERIOUS WRITING ELSEWHERE.
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2008-02-21 11:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
not funny
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-02-21 10:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It took me four years Shlongy, keep your head up.
Submitted by aldenso (user info) at 2008-02-21 09:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it, but isn't that more than a day?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-21 09:46:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've written more interesting shit than this. bart has a personal vendetta against Shlongy - preventing me from ever achieving "B @ W" status.
MY LIFE IS RUINED. I AM JOINING FORCES WITH KAOS KING AND FROM HERE ON OUT, I WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT UBER ON EVERY POST AND REVIEW.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-21 09:26:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W WOOOOO
Submitted by traxadron (user info) at 2008-02-21 09:17:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty cool. I too fancy flamingos, I assume they are awesome in bed.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-21 07:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I knew this would get on B@W, glad I supported you too.
Still not gonna read it
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-02-21 01:35:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-20 20:54:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The BOSHman is going to China looking for pussy.
My girlfriend just brought in stir-fry and rimmed me.
I WIN!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-20 20:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
4/4/08
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-20 18:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-02-20 16:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So, BOSH MAN, you going to China or what?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-20 15:37:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin a man.. mondo bosh
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-02-20 14:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FANtastic.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-02-20 13:57:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-19 23:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
People on Uber try to write stuff like this all the time.
Let me repeat that.
People on Uber TRY to write stuff like this all the time.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-20 13:00:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish Sims was compatible with my MAC. I miss that game.
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-20 12:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-20 10:36:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not gonna read this, but good luck getting on B@W
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-20 10:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
not sure what all the fuss is about with this.
unlike the guy who broke the streak to be 'edgy', i'm just rating this honestly. i'm not trying to be a dick (it's a shame you have to even leave that disclaimer on uber just to half satisfy the fucking crybabies), and i'm pretty sure you won't get your panties all knotted up over a rating anyway. but if you do...
*shrugs*
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-20 10:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent- but not superior - randomness.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-02-20 10:32:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude this is really fucking funny
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-20 10:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Again, because it's still funny the 4th time around.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-02-20 10:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I stopped playing the sims before they released any of the add-on packs. Mostly because my ass was growing to be part of the chair.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-02-20 09:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
glorious
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-20 09:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-02-20 07:53:47 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
How the hell does this have a 1.99? I'm not saying this because my head's up my ass and I think I deserve a full on 2, but I actually can't figure out where the .01 is missing, or how. I'm confused.
------------------
Sick of semen broke the streak below.
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-02-20 09:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to help you recover from a 1.99(?) :)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-02-20 08:57:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-02-20 08:55:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and thanks for the comments.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-02-20 08:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How the hell does this have a 1.99? I'm not saying this because my head's up my ass and I think I deserve a full on 2, but I actually can't figure out where the .01 is missing, or how. I'm confused.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-20 08:47:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd love to turn you on.
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-02-20 08:41:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-02-20 08:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-20 07:46:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just thought you were taking alot of drugs until I saw the picture at the end and the comments explained it. I have never played and if I didn't have an addictive personality, I might. Sadly though I can't, because it would lead to all day and night neglect to my real life until the contracter drags me away from the computer to I can eat some thing other than mini chedders and piss in to a toilet instead of a lucazade bottle.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-20 07:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll get this mother bitch there yet...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-20 07:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1.99??
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-20 07:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still didn't read it :)
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-20 07:32:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-02-20 07:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't read this, but felt like breaking a good streak.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-20 06:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clever. B@W.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-20 06:40:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't like it that much.
+2 for effort though.
Submitted by Smithens (user info) at 2008-02-20 06:28:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fantastic!!!!!!! b@w
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-20 06:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-02-20 06:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup...
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-02-20 03:58:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves B@W more than the past 10 things on there.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-20 03:52:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God bless your warped manic sleep deprived little brain.
Submitted by Adam_Warlock (user info) at 2008-02-20 03:45:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W quality
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2008-02-20 02:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost makes me want to start playing The Sims.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-02-20 02:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves another +2
Serious B@W quality stuff right here...
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-20 01:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a 2.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-02-19 23:37:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Brilliant...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-19 23:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
People on Uber try to write stuff like this all the time.
Let me repeat that.
People on Uber TRY to write stuff like this all the time.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-02-19 22:51:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
January 20th 2008
There's another floor on my house. What. The. Fuck.
______
OH GOD I LAUGHED SO HARD AT THIS PART. I didn't keep reading, I had to pause to give you a +2. Wow, I think I kind of love you for writing this.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-02-19 22:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"the baby's starting to stink"
lol
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-19 20:12:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nonstop laughs, all through. I didn't figure it out until the "I'm an astronaut" bit.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-02-19 20:06:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A Day in the life.... a beatles track.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-02-19 20:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what song?
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-02-19 20:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A week in the life of Method's Mom:
Monday: Fuck 10 black guys
Tuesday: Fuck 10 black guys
Wenesday: Fuck 10 black guys
Thursday: Fuck 10 black guys
Friday: Fuck 10 black guys
Saturday: Fuck 10 black guys
Sunday: The day of rest. So only fuck 5 black guys.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-19 19:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I really love that song.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-19 19:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm an astronaut now" was my favorite part.
And I thought my day was bad.
I also thought this was ghola's post on MRR.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-02-19 19:33:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did a post with this title.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-19 19:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Win/Lose/Draw this is great/sucks/I'm apathetic about and you're awesome/lame/a living being (perhaps), and I'm awesome/sucky/meh-like also so we're superior/inferior/somewhere in the middle of heaven/hell/the material plane, and we love/hate/don't care for ubersite where awesome/stupid/people people come to be inspirational/detrimental to our health/just be in the middle of the day/night/dawn-dusk.
I think I might post/close the window/do nothing now/later/???????
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-02-19 19:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.buten.com/bobopolis/mario/survivor2/
This made me laugh about as much as your post.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2008-02-19 19:14:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-19 19:07:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sims is fun