Job Wanted (3614 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.59 on 144 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2008-02-21 22:27:42 EST
Twenty-nine year old woman seeks gainful employment with great wages, flexible hours, and sexual harassment protection because sometimes I get a little grabby. Well, if you don't want me to touch you, you shouldn't wear revealing clothes. I can see your ARMS for god's sake. Whore.
No qualifications, no experience. Children have recently started school and I'm looking for a position in which I can utilize a wide range of skills, not just my recently discovered ability to nap for five hours a day.
I'm highly competent in the areas of daydreaming, screaming obscenities at random, cryptic crossword puzzles, and making coffee. I'm available to work any hours from Monday to Friday between 9am and 2.30pm, except for Thursdays when I can work from 9am until 1.30pm, unless the kids are sick in which case I can't work and oh Tuesday mornings are bad for me because I have to take the Boy to PEAC and sometimes I'll call in with no notice or explanation and say I can't come to work today and that'll be because I'm, you know, sleepy or bored or just tired of working in whatever dead-end job you vultures see fit to throw my way.
Some kind of job where I can read extensively, ignore people, and gorge myself on snack foods would be ideal, but apparently one needs qualifications to be a child care worker.
I can cook with my eyes closed, do laundry one-handed, hit a small child and talk on the phone simultaneously, bake cookies (from a packet mix), lean over with no provocation to reveal quite an alarming amount of cleavage, and drink heavily.
I know thirteen separate uses for a dildo gas mask. This is a valuable skill that shouldn't be overlooked in today's competitive workforce.
If I sound like the kind of go-getting motivated self-starting team player you want working for your organisation, with or without supervision, in a position with room for promotion and a wonderful salary package, send me a letter through the post. Don't call or email, the phone and internet have been cut off.
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-19 11:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-10 19:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When can you start? You can fuck about on forums all day after I've politely asked you to do some work, right? Welcome to the team if so, all my other guys have a very similar work ethic.
-P
x
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah yes, already rated this back in March and then totally forgot about it. That means you're not posting enough methinks.
-P
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-19 11:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When can you start?
Apparently the average wage of someone in IT is 38 grand according to a commercia that offers training.
I think they factored in Bill Gates earnings.
-P
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-06-19 03:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can have my job. Be prepared to no longer recognise your children, husband or self due to the enormous amount of lapsed time since you saw them last. It's good you can scream abuse and obscenities, it's a useful skill when everyone around you can too, be prepared to step up your game. I could go on, but it boils down to this; the only positive, and I stress ONLY, is that they will pay you pretty well. Other than that, you'd be forgiven for assuming you'd died and gone to hell.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2008-05-01 08:17:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd hire you to be my shut-in.
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2008-05-01 07:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop pissing about and start doing stand-up.
.....please......
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-15 20:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would SO hire you.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-10 19:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When can you start? You can fuck about on forums all day after I've politely asked you to do some work, right? Welcome to the team if so, all my other guys have a very similar work ethic.
-P
x
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-02-26 22:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You can get it here.
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=CYCS2LDR
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-02-26 22:45:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have it already, actually, downloaded an advance copy off a torrent. It's great.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-26 10:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The hew NC&TBS album's out next week, Stag.
I know you're excited.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-02-25 23:36:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-02-23 04:39:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dildo gas mask? I don't even know what that is, let alone 13 uses for it.
I guess I can think of two.
-------
Hahaha
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-02-25 09:43:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I absolutely ADORE your tits. The second I win the Powerball or MegaMillions or something I'll buy a tropical island and move all my friends there to live in drunken tribal bliss. Plane tickets will be waiting for you at the airport, but good luck finding coconut shells big enough to tame those monsters. Not that it matters. Imo be one motorboatin' sumbitch.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-24 19:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-23 18:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 22:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"'m off to dinner with my >HOT< wife"
haha - youll just bite at anything, wont you?
---
...and look at you gobbling THAT shit up. I even decorated it for you.
---
and so you go back to your old fall back of "i know you are, but what am i".
and i didnt bring up your brother, i brought up the tantrum you threw when i last did (and even then it was only vague).
and im far too pasty to be greasy.
ps. keep telling us how how your wife is, eventually we'll believe you.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-02-24 15:04:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
head shop
all we do is sit around and eat and insult customers
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-02-24 14:25:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-23 18:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm going to bang a chick hotter than rob's wife tonight.
just thought everyone would like to know that.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-23 18:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 22:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"'m off to dinner with my >HOT< wife"
haha - youll just bite at anything, wont you?
---
...and look at you gobbling THAT shit up. I even decorated it for you.
Its fun pointing out that my wife is amazing knowing ugly, greasy, smarmy loser types like yourself won't ever get someone like her.
YAY KARMA!
tsk tsk
Bringing up my dead brother so soon, Sammy? I think that's a record, even for you.
I guess it's a cue to go back to ignoring your idiocy for a while. It's been pseudo-fun.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-02-23 13:06:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2008-02-22 17:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:16:33 EST (#)
Don't worry to much about the last one. Canadian females didn't discover the orgasm until 1994.
-=-=-=-=-=-
And they never would have, if Tim Horton's hadn't started marketing them.
--------------
God Bless Timmy!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2008-02-23 04:18:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Belgium?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-23 03:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
actually this one has seen a restart, after a hiatus of a few weeks when rob threw a big tanty cos i mentioned the 'b' word.
he seems to be coping a bit better now.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-23 02:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could you just give me the short list of posts you two are not fighting on?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 22:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"'m off to dinner with my >HOT< wife"
haha - youll just bite at anything, wont you?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 21:15:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 20:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
there you go, thats nice and calm. well done. never forget: its only the internet, nothing can hurt you. now run along and go hug as much of your wife as you can fit your arms around, and i promise - itll all be okay.
by the way, your gloriously glorious rants are longwinded and boring. i generally stop after the first line or two, because its just you repeating yourself ad nauseum.
---
Shame - there is some quality stuff in there.
Sometimes I go back and re-read it just for giggles.
I really don't repeat myself that much - but I suppose there are only so many words one can use to describe a worthless piece of shit as yourself.
I do try, though. God knows I try.
hmmm, I guess if I am to be completely honest I do have fun talking AT you sometimes, I have to admit that. Sort of takes the edge off my whole 'worthless' observation - but I find comfort in that being a fairly lame virtue.
I'm off to dinner with my >HOT< wife - enjoy being alone and miserable.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 20:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe even a talented amateur
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2008-02-22 20:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think he is a heroin addict. An enthusiast at the least.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 20:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
there you go, thats nice and calm. well done. never forget: its only the internet, nothing can hurt you. now run along and go hug as much of your wife as you can fit your arms around, and i promise - itll all be okay.
by the way, your gloriously glorious rants are longwinded and boring. i generally stop after the first line or two, because its just you repeating yourself ad nauseum.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 20:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BUT I DON'T KNOW YOU! NEVAR WILL!
I'm sure under all those layers of crusty apathetic sludge there is a perfectly content human being, inexplicably at peace with the world shitting rainbows and bursting with happiness.
You are an onion, sammy.
You sure put on a good show, though.
Idiot.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 20:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 20:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"What? You don't think I am laughing at you? "
oh, i think youre laughing - in a crazed, hyperventilating way.
calm down. no really, calm down. look how upset you are over some very tame exchanges.
married life getting to you, rob?
---
Is that what you think?
How precious. You should put some of that imagination into being interesting you miserable dipshit.
I am perfectly calm. Married life is awesome - I am the sort of happy they write poems about.
You? Not so much.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 20:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"What? You don't think I am laughing at you? "
oh, i think youre laughing - in a crazed, hyperventilating way.
calm down. no really, calm down. look how upset you are over some very tame exchanges.
married life getting to you, rob?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2008-02-22 19:33:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fantastic.
I understand this now.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2008-02-22 17:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:16:33 EST (#)
Don't worry to much about the last one. Canadian females didn't discover the orgasm until 1994.
-=-=-=-=-=-
And they never would have, if Tim Horton's hadn't started marketing them.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-22 17:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 13:46:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of buy-in:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/33066#535146
What a fuckin' pussy.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 13:44:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"glorious compolation of gloriously"
...is why I'm not a writer-type.
Doh. I had such high hopes for that rebuttal.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-22 13:43:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me know if you need an assistant.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 13:40:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 06:51:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ps rob, i never said i won anything. why would i? YOU said i won. i merely laughed at your words.
ive said nothing to you a well-adjusted, psychologically secure individual couldnt laugh off. read your histrionic, long winded rant below, and wake up to the fact that youre white-knuckled batshit crazy over a website and someone who has and never will see you or have any clue who you are.
time for another 'break' for you, matey.
---
What? You don't think I am laughing at you?
hah - I swear you are worse than any mouthbreathin' redneck dipshit moron down south - I take a few moments out of my evening to string together a glorious compolation of gloriously entertaining words describing how stupid I think you are - and you take that as emotional buy-in.
Fuck you ARE dumb. And greasy.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-02-22 13:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture just put me off my lunch. =(
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-22 13:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-02-22 11:16:33 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry to much about the last one. Canadian females didn't discover the orgasm until 1994.
----------------------------
Why, is that the year Caulaincourt hit puberty?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
back to single life?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:39:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dildo gas mask? I don't even know what that is, let alone 13 uses for it.
I guess I can think of two.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
we have ice here in australia! all our best sports stars are busy going psychotic on it.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:21:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Something clever.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I need someone to help me make bacon skirts. You could work whenever you want and I pay with bacon skirts. You could open your own boutique and Australia would be missing one less thing according to my list:
Snark's List Of Things Australian's Don't Have:
Bacon
Skirts
Nipples
Motor Carriages
Windows
Justice
Ice
Moose
Orgasms
Don't worry to much about the last one. Canadian females didn't discover the orgasm until 1994.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit that's disgusting. And the picture is too.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-22 11:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Would you need an assistant at this job, Circe?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-22 11:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Be a pirate.....WHAT TO YOU MEAN THEFT, PILLAGE AND PLUNDER DOESN'T PAY?!?!?!
It does you know....You should see my new Nav equipment, I simply will never ever be able to get lost ever again! Wooooooo
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-22 11:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to think outside the box. No, not YOUR box - outside of your normal thought processes. You are obviously head and shoulders above the average domestic caregiver. So, you should capitalize on that strength. How about, Nanny to children of couples who both have gigantism? In today's market, you gotta specialize.
Submitted by dougiep (user info) at 2008-02-22 10:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
haha very funny
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2008-02-22 10:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very, very funny (because I've been there, and kinda still am)
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-22 10:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i liked this...
but after reading all that hotwillie / danger_ranger circle jerk nonsense i don't really remember
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-02-22 09:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of jobs, today is my last day. I put in my notice on Monday, because that check from Mrs. Abacha is being delivered by a Nigerian diplomatic courier today! 25% of 15 million. Woo hoo!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-22 09:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe is wittier, cleverererer and more interesting than most of us ever will be.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-22 09:29:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was hilarious, and so was this review:
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:53:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Christ I'm sick of those goddamn demotivators or whatever the fuck they're called.
Lolcats, too.
So goddamn tired and unoriginal and overdone.
I suppose that dovetails with the theme of your advert, however.
So have a zero because you're the sacred cow of ubersite, benevolently grazing over those beneath you, occasionally of bent joint to allow the fortunate few a quick suck of the golden teats and the honeyed milk therein.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmtasty
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-22 09:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Inion is from the bronx. That's why she's always threatening to 'moider' me.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-02-22 09:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
P.S. I heard that the Dutch are poorly endowed, what is the truth of this?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-02-22 09:19:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nuclear safety engineers don't seem to do anything. Seriously my uncle works for DOE and he might go in once a week, for about four hours. Or you could be an Aussie MILF, I'm sure inion could help you with that.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-22 09:07:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-02-22 07:38:14 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would totally hire you just so I could stare at your colossal sack all day.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 08:43:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i wouldnt hire you, cos youd tell me about your fricken kids all day, and who needs that?
no rack is worth that.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-02-22 08:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would totally hire you just so I could stare at your colossal rack all day.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 08:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i got savaged by a doctor when i was in hospital last. the bitch jimmied the needle around like she was picking a fuckin lock.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-02-22 08:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You could be a Secret Shopper, or a Restaurant Critic, or a Website Ad Clicker, or you could Make a Fortune on Ebay or Start Making a Fortune Selling Products You Never Have to See or Handle on Your Own Website Today. That's all the ideas my inbox has today, unless you want cumm splattered hott teeen ass and/or "\/i/-\gra".
That pic is my new background.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-02-22 07:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like you need to get one of them Government jobs.
Scratch that. That kind of incompetence and laziness is usually only found in lesser government positions here in the states. That's why every useless tit scrambles to get them here. Once they get the job, pass the probationary period, you can't fucking get rid of them. They get imbedded like a tick.
Then everyone wonders why the government is so inefficient.
So I don't know about Oz. But if you lived here, I'd say get a government job and then you could be properly disgruntled it would be expected.
As for the picture, that happens frequently when an IV drug user has sclerosed his/her veins. The vein walls build up so much scar tissue, you can't get a needle in. And if you do, there is so much scar tissue that only a tiny little thread of blood flow is all the vein has room for.
I hated these kind of patients. They came to the lab to have their blood drawn. They were already agitated because of having to go to the doctor and haven't done their drugs in several hours. They know how their veins are. They would threaten us phlebotomists and say "YOU ONLY GOT ONE SHOT! YOU MISS AND I'LL FUCK YOU UP!"
Basically they sported an attitude towards you because they fucked their own veins up.
I could come there and teach you phlebotomy if you'd like.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 07:04:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
jesus that photo is horrific.
that guy has just given up, veins notwithstanding. thats the worst bit. how does it get that bad? especially when you have what appears to be a fairly sweet leather jacket.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 06:51:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ps rob, i never said i won anything. why would i? YOU said i won. i merely laughed at your words.
ive said nothing to you a well-adjusted, psychologically secure individual couldnt laugh off. read your histrionic, long winded rant below, and wake up to the fact that youre white-knuckled batshit crazy over a website and someone who has and never will see you or have any clue who you are.
time for another 'break' for you, matey.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-22 06:01:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-02-22 10:55:15 GMT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is simply because you're Circe.
----
Lame.
======
Also, why is that guy shooting a needle-full of blood into himself?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-02-22 05:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is simply because you're Circe.
----
Lame.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 05:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meltdown? Are you serious?
---
i wasnt, but it seems i was mistaken.
lol @ u.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 05:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NERD
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V
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 05:26:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 04:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
rob, rob, rob. feeling a bit better again? thought youd come back for another crack?
thats great, really encouraging. good on you, matey. though, how long you reckon youll go till your next meltdown?
ps - of course i failed, its called self-deprecating humour. its supposed to fail. but really nice try, though.
---
No, I really mean it this time.
You fail. It's in the rules. You have officially bought into this whole uber-fantasy thing a little too strongly, Sammy - OOP - IDDQD.
Why can't you just admit you want to skull fuck Neo?
You are an insignificant smear on the surface of this world - your smug input is marginal and mostly negative... you are a crybaby little shit-head with the massive delusion that being accountable for one's own damaged soul is magically exempted by the thin veil of anonymity. It's a joke. YOU are a joke. Cunt.
People find you funny. Funny like ONE CLOWN. They find me funny too - I am equally unaffected by other people's opinion. Oh, and hey, guess what? I am categorically pleased with the cult of personality I have established around here. EAT THAT BITCH. I have regretted nothing I have said - not one thing. In fact - most of what I say around here is pure fucking gold. You should be able to bottle some of that pure uncut awesome up and shove it up your well-laid ass you insufferable prick.
And while we are talking - your consistently lazy spelling and grammar isn't clever - it's annoying and retarded. There is simply no excuse for you being so intellectually sloppy. Asshole.
Seriously though, Samwise - you really seem to think you are actually winning something - and that is the surest sign of failure. Internet posturing? RETARDS FIGHT. Shit, we can piss on each other all day long and it means nothing. You have managed to convince yourself it does. ER MOTHER FUCKING GO - You are an idiot. AND One of the most >galactic< of sizes. YOU ARE THE GOD MODE OF STUPIDITY.
etc.
Meltdown? Are you serious? Sure my heart has skipped a few beats a time or two - but this is purely recreational, buddy. That is the trap of ubersite for me - the chance to walk my brain - I keep continuously entertained by this place - but it is but an element in a tremendously rewarding life.
I find myself easily distracted - and eagerly delighted by shiny objects. You are a plaything, and a terrible one at that. Christ, I find you so objectionable I subjecting all sorts of ambushed nerds to some unnecessary drivel. I can actually see you being the reason Daddy hits Mommy.
Post Shit:
This site is saturated with idiocratic slop.
There is no relevance to what we do here - this back and forth is MIND NUMBING. Christ, if any of you people following along actually made it this far - Shlongy's mom is a total cunt.
OH , and fuck you in your fucking mouth, peck. This was fun in spite of you.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 04:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
rob, rob, rob. feeling a bit better again? thought youd come back for another crack?
thats great, really encouraging. good on you, matey. though, how long you reckon youll go till your next meltdown?
ps - of course i failed, its called self-deprecating humour. its supposed to fail. but really nice try, though.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 03:54:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 03:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that is a serious depth to sink to.
the picture is horrible also.
see what i did there?
---
failed.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-22 03:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that is a serious depth to sink to.
the picture is horrible also.
see what i did there?
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-02-22 03:23:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i have the answer in one word
alaskan king crab fishing
apparently i read somewhere that its well paid and you can freeze to death, so the kids will get a bountiful insurance claim.
enjoy!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-22 02:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm highly competent in the areas of daydreaming, screaming obscenities at random, cryptic crossword puzzles, and making coffee.
-----------------------------------------
Sounds like you have a glittering career ahead of you in Marketing.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-22 02:24:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LISTEN SPENCER THIS IS NOT A POSITION....NO, A JO...THIS IS NOT AN OFFER OF EMPLOYMENT YOUR.....'people', CAN APPLY FOR. IT'S MEANT TO BE AN EYE-OPENER ON A WORKDAY/WEEKDAY, NOT SOME KIND OF LAZY BOUDOIR PREAMBLE BRUNCH ROMP YOU MIGHT ENGAGE IN WILLINGLY ON ONE OF THOSE LAZY SUNDAY MORNING WEEKENDS WHEN YOUR FOLKS WERE OUT OF TOWN.
Jesus. you people will out-source anything.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-22 02:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-22 02:01:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now you're talking my language.
----------------
FROWNS
spence?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 02:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How someone as linguistically gifted as you isn't working as a copywriter in an ad agency is beyond me.
If you don't mind exchanging a good chunk of your soul for a life spent whoring your creativity out to the lowest common denominator you should check it out.
ps: GOOD fucking dimpled Jesus - that is one alarmingly disturbing picture.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-22 02:01:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now you're talking my language.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-22 01:30:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
RIGHT then Willie, noon it is. what blood type are you? look nevermind. I'll have ex-Ray drive your company car over directly after your examination. right up your arse. He'll do that whole pulling-bloodied-glove-from-his-elbow to wrist thing-with-you-in-the-throes-of-near-passed-outedness (that's right 'outedness'), saying, "I'll get your CAR - DON'T VORRY, I know VERE to PARK ICT. I'LL be BACHT." in his best - sorry HER, her best arnold terminator voice. with you all splayed out tummy down on the 'examination' table spread-eagled like the garage in ferris bueller.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-22 01:21:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is it my imagination or does this rating go down like Danger on a weekend furlough every time I review?
What's up with that?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-22 01:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
10:00 = noon
Breakroom = your fuzzy grey gurras
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-22 01:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
with all the benefits only the white people will get?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-22 01:14:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
erm....the breakroom...right...
WELL hotwillie, the BREAKROOM will probably be......look is that code for your sphincter? because that's pretty much what's going to get broken, provided there's room for ex-Rays forearm. You *do* know what you're getting yourself into - right? besides gainful employment in a forwardly thinking equal opportunity workplace?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-22 01:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll be there at 10:00, commando.
Where's the breakroom?
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-02-22 01:07:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
How much do you know about preparing a live human for bovine consumption?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-22 01:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DEAL hotwillie, we'll see you monday morning 8:30 sharp. Don't forget what your mum always told you about clean underwear. ex-Ray *hates* clean underwear, he...sorry 'she' considers it to be like wearing your best shirt when going to paint the house, and she works quicker when she's pissed. harder, but quicker.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:57:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're hired.
When can you start sucking my dick?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Color me employed.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ohhhhhhhh my bad. x-ray is just a techincal term - for ex-Ray, the guy who now insists on *not* being called Ray since he started dressing like a sheila. We've been told having 'persons of interest' acquiesce to an ex-Ray is basically entrapment, but it's well worth the admission price when you march the culprit down the hall past sambo the brolly holder and he pulls his oh mammy face. jesus it's all we can do to not snort, smirk or chuckle. c'mon you'll love it.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:47:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That sounds technical. I thought this was a muscle job.
Besides, there's nothing up my ass but some flatware your mama gave me for safe keeping after I fluttered her kegels.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:43:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
we've been losing a lot of stock - specifically electrical stuff, we'd need to x-ray your abdomen and arse for laptops in condoms, that kind of thing.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's called "Corporate Executive"
Ask anyone who works in an office cubicle, if the manager of their manager does any more work than the manager they have now does.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet. Can you start on monday?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:18:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HotWillie are you hispanic because we need a government subsidised go to guy for when we think we have a staff-related theft problem.
==========================
No, but I did 18 months in Huntsville and walked out to the sound of my own ass-wind so I think I can probably help you out there out sheila.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:21:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Get a job at an adult store.
- Your dildo knowledge and cleavage would only help
- Those places are open at ALL hours, I'm sure you could get a shift that suits
- I doubt it's hard work (I mean, you sit at a counter and sell people nurses outfits, smutty videos and buttplugs, how hard could that be?)
- I don't see why you couldn't read and eat snack food
- I bet you'd meet some REALLY interesting people
- You could probably even hurl abuse at some of them. And they would LIKE it.
SOLVERED!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:18:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HotWillie are you hispanic because we need a government subsidised go to guy for when we think we have a staff-related theft problem.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sigh.
It's 12:15 a.m. here. It's FREEZING cold outside. Literally.
I have to drive home.
I have another job interview tomorrow so I need my beauty sleep to remain my lovely, recovering alcoholic self.
I dislike job interviews. It's particularly humiliating when they ask about your backgroung.
"Uh...yeah. I kinda have a couple of DUIs, and...uh...I did 5 days in county lockup. Why do you ask?"
Jesus. Get behind the wheel intoxicated, risk innocent people's lives, and they NEVER let you forget it.
Above statement is a joke, for those of you who are dumb enough not to "get it."
Goodnight, Aussies.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:12:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha
a circe-jerk
excellente
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:06:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We could roll drunks in our spare time...? How are you at face-kicking? Do you have a problem with kicking a man while he's down?
=====================================
I resent this raw recruiting against my kind.
:-(
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2008-02-22 00:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know, I know, it needs a hyphen, or a dielectric mark. Diacritical. Umlaut. Bleah.
Coöperate.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh - bummer (no pun intended). We could've used his clenching skills for our brollys, he'd still get to be in a white house too, albeit more euphemistic.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw, that's so sweet!
Just cooperate and I'll take you out for ice cream before your mom gets home.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And, Sac, while screwing you night and day while you raise my pet demons has its attractions, it doesn't solve the basic issue of my needing money for shoes and handbags.
We could roll drunks in our spare time...? How are you at face-kicking? Do you have a problem with kicking a man while he's down?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:56:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And in my mind, you'll always be "Daddy, no, please don't touch me there".
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She has been a full blown addict at times during our relationship.
In other news, I'm also likely going to vote for Obama. Although, our primary is so late this year, the nom will likely be all wrapped up by then.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BOING
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just realized, there's no way you're 29.
In my mind, you'll always be 13.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sure he's got a gig. He's still a Senator whether he clenches the nomination or not. Even if he wins the Dem nomination but loses the White House, he's STILL a Senator. He's set for life, no matter what he does.
hahahaha at the sambo thing.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:52:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
obama would make a terrific brolly holder, what happens if he doesn't win pre-selection? Has he got a gig?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A recovering junkie is different person than a junkie, so in that case, I agree with you.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BTW, for those that are interested; Obama basically mopped the floor with Hillary down in my homestate tonight. He really made her lick it up. Looks to me like he's gonna wrap up the Dem nomination.
I, personally, am gonna vote for that happenin' Negro.
Just don't tell my peeps in Texas. They'd hang me.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's funny because when we insert our brolly's old sambo does that whole mammy face. he's a character I tell you.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:46:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All I really need to know about heroin junkies I learned in Kindergarten.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:44:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm saying there is a recovering addict in my life who is very dear to me, I have helped out at times, and she never stole from me, even when she was in the direst of straits and easily could have done so. That's what I'm saying.
It's not bullshit, in this case, it's a fact.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:42:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Umbrella holder. Got it. More Australian slang. You folks sure have a lot of it.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a brolly holder?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"not all heroin junkies steal from the people who help them"
Bullshit!
If that's the only source of money available to them to cop...they'll take it in a heart-beat.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:38:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you sound over-qualified. Quite simply it would be considered somewhat risky to invest the time and resourses it would take to train you if you were to just up and leave in 6 months. I'm sorry. besides we have a government subsidised black person make our coffee. no wait that's the government subsidised fag....oh yeah the black person shines our boots and doubles as a coat rack and brolly holder on rainy days. silly.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that really how one finds a vein to inject H into?
^^^^^^^^^^
If the dope is good enough, all you need to do is skin, or muscle it.
And that way, if it's hot, you also have a better chance of living till the next shot.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:33:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Drop in the bucket, unfortunately, Director.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was very kind of you, Director. I don't agree on the 'needless to say' bit though- lucky for me, not all heroin junkies steal from the people who help them.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that really how one finds a vein to inject H into?
===========
Ah, such a fine young man above.
More trivia. When I was younger and doing well in life, I tried to save a heroin junkie. I took him in, fed him, helped him clean up (as much as possible) helped him find a job, gave him a room, bed, and three squares...
All at the horrific objections of my then wife.
Needless to say that motherfucker took every valuable we owned, pawned them all, and disappeared from the face of the earth.
I'm..ahem..no longer married to that particular wife.
We were, however, able to claim it was a random robbery and recover our losses.
That was cool.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love kids. Why don't you just let me be your nanny, and you can pay me in sex?
Also, I kick ass at crossword puzzles. Perhaps we can get something going competitively, for money.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Screaming obscenities, eh? If you can load and fire a 14 lb carronade, I'll hire you as my IT dept's bouncer.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that really how one finds a vein to inject H into?
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They're begging people to live in Wollongong?
I wonder if JoAnn still lives there. I could see if she's still around, give her a call, rekindle the old flame...
Nah. A small bit of trivia: Her butthole stank when I humped her in the canine position. I could never marry a woman whose butthole stinks. It's just not in me. There is something about a stinky butthole that really, really, really makes me unhappy. Also, she would freak me out by taking the used condom..OUT OF THE FREAKING TOILET, holding it up to the light, and staring intently at my expelled contents.
WTF was that all about?
Also, we went to a cemetary in New Orleans once and she completely and utterly wigged out when she saw some fresh voodoo on a grave. I can't stomach wimpy chicks with a fascination for jizz and stanky buttholes.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:10:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Put my back legs inside your rubber boots, baby. That way it almost feels like I'm willing.
I don't know what that picture is... but it's not impossible that he's a druggie. Ever tried to find a vein with a needle so blunt it's like using a fork?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:06:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yer one a them badass australian cows from the left side a the screen ain'cha?
Hot damn!
Getcher ass to the edge baby I luvs dat pushback!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Director, we call them budgie-smugglers. And most guys wear shorts at the beach. And you can still go to Woolongong, it's not like they're not begging people to live there.
HotWillie, you're welcome. Just keep on suckling.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-02-21 23:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok...I'm at a complete loss. I know this isn't a vivisection post, but I also know there's no fucking way this is a heroin addict.
Please? What is this pic really?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you Circe, baby.
Much fucking better.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:58:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HotWillie.. yeah, I was kind of going for irony... and I'm the sacred what of who-now? That's so fucking cool!
GATHER, YE MINIONS, YE LESSER, YE MISCREANTS, AND GAZE UPON MINE GLORY. SUCKLE OF THE NECTAR FROM MINE GLORIOUS TEATS AND BE REPLENISHED.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The hot one was the *seriously* psychopathic one. I'm glad she's gone.
I think I'd fit right in Australia. I'm easygoing. I hate war. I love beaches and surfing. I don't like those weird tight thongy-underwear-bathing suits men wear though. Do they still wear those down there? I think they're called speedos. Your government should outlaw those if they haven't yet seen the light.
I shoulda moved to Wollongong when I had the chance. Too late for me now, though. I turn 40 next month. F.O.R.T.Y. That doesn't stand for anything clever that I can think of. It's just a seriously sad, sad fact of life. Bastards won't have me now.
It sucks to be 40, completely broke, a petty criminal, and just a general all around miserable fucking tit. But hey. Things could be worse. I could be George W. Bush. Gads.
Sorry Heath Ledger died, BTW. He was an awesome gay cowboy. If I were gay, and I were a cowboy, I probably woulda let him buttfuck me.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:55:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a job for you $50 a week as the chick that blows Shlongy once a day. He's been quitw crabby since the last one left the job to spend more time with her son Method.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:53:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Christ I'm sick of those goddamn demotivators or whatever the fuck they're called.
Lolcats, too.
So goddamn tired and unoriginal and overdone.
I suppose that dovetails with the theme of your advert, however.
So have a zero because you're the sacred cow of ubersite, benevolently grazing over those beneath you, occasionally of bent joint to allow the fortunate few a quick suck of the golden teats and the honeyed milk therein.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmtasty
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Linus, sorry... iinet don't take souls as payment for intrawebz. -sad-
Director.. the hot one. Natch.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:43:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"daydreaming, screaming obscenities at random, cryptic crossword puzzles, and making coffee."
Waaaaiiiiit a minute.....
Which one of my ex-wives immigrated to Australia?
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:38:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Can I pay you in souls?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I paid him in crack, Coyote.
I'll only disclose the 13 uses to my employer.
Or anyone else who pays me.
Monty, I can't work at a help desk. It requires skills I don't have.. ie, the ability to help, and the ability to sit upright.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Two words for you:
Used.
Bookstore.
The ultimate retail experience.
But seriously though, you shouldn't camwhore your husband like that.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is simply because you're Circe.
However, I think you need a job at a tech support helpdesk, all of the skills you have + the time to do nothing + ability to verbally abuse the customer..
You're perfect for it.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That vein isn't going to find itself!
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2008-02-21 22:30:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What are the thirteen uses for a dildo gas mask?