Unacceptable Employee Behavior (30930 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: B@W
Rating: 1.88 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SeriousWriterSkullBite (View user info) at 2008-02-22 14:50:06 EST
Friday, just another day! You know how that is. When I got to work this morning, something nice was up on the board for us all.
How to deal with Unacceptable Employee Behavior .
What, the, fuck?
Flipping through the pages, its not even FOR me. Or anyone else around me really. Its for the prowler.
Its for my supervisor.
Its a one-day seminar, found at pryor.com.
With an added costs of, wait.
wait for it.
One hundred and fourty nine.
Money papers.
Whats more interesting is WHATS inside.
Which one are you?
Which one do you HATE, or love. Or love to hate?
Maybe both.
Or all three.
Or two.
Each comes with its own leetle quote, which are great in themselves.
Is it your job to supervise ANY of these characters?
The Excuse Artist "This seminar will show you how to force the Excuse Artist to take responsibility, now!"
This person, is a bastard. Plain and simple. They do almost everything in their power to fuck up and make
my life a bitch. Its not their job, they were in the bathroom; They were out huffing paint with Beaucefus. Bullshit.
Go do your job, so I dont have too.
The Short-Changer "Learn how to get the Short-Changer to give 100% everyday!"
"Look, we arent really that busy someone can go home early". All of the sudden that fat bitch three desks down, is now an olympic sprinter. You remember the trampling of the wii's? Same thing, except now its not for a console. Its to get out of work AN HOUR EARLY. They also go to lunch first and come back last. THESE people are fuckers. Complete fuckers.
The Intimidator "Gain the upper hand with tips that will neutralize the Intimidator's controlling and over powering in the workplace".
Ahh, is the one you dont fuck with. Lest you want to be sodomized with buckshot; and eat out the side of your FACE, because they ape smashed your dome in. The bi-polar scary side of the office. The guy who punches people in his MIND. All day long. They are pushy fuckers, but are usually not as badass as they seem. Gambling is NOT my strong point, so I leave them alone.
The Gossip "Discover how to muzzle the Gossips before they undermine you and others!"
Oh, my. Flap jaws. NEVER shut up, this is why I dont eat at work. Any slight HINT of wanting to converse with them. BAM. I mean if you even grunt in their direction, OH!!!! "Sallys fine, Bobbys growing fast, I have a new diet. I dont like diet pop, chickens are inside eggs, brains.. ughghg brains.
FUCK you. LOOK there is a flying FUCK, that I dont give about anything you say.
The Clod "Find out how to take decisive, effective action to stop Clods from creating frustration and lowering productivity"
The stupid slow side of office life. The guy who usually is ALWAYS behind. Drinking coffee, watering plants, being a douche bag. The stupid office humor? Yeah, thats him. Over there gigglin' cause someone said something stupid. Easily intimidated. Can also be used to gang up and over power the intimidator.
Wait. The Intimidator. Say that in aaaaahhhnolds voice..
The Downer "Turn around these negative, types before they rain on everyone's parade!"
Let me tell you what. If its ONE thing I CANNOT stand its rain. On my parade. IM always happy, hyper and bursting with fun life things. These people are soul sucking leeches. They get off by slowly sucking the happiness out of the room. You know Harry Potter? Of course you do. Dementors. These little whorish people are. Can be fairly funny if you like darker humor.
The Minimalist "Motivate minimalists to give you their best, without constant pushing or begging."
Lazy little buggers they are. Let me run this by you. You are rowing with some vikings. You decided your going to swing your oar, not in tune with the drum. The four other vikings on your bench, hate you. The guy playing the drum switches up the tempo. Oh, you've heard this one before? Yeah. Its appease the kraken time mother fucker. How the FUCK do they get by. They do parts of their job, half assed and complain. Fuck you.
The Soap Star "Prevent this "show stopper" from letting personal crisis"
Ze scariest thing in the office is when this person and the "gossip" join forces. The only thing more annoying is, wait. Ugh. These people are fucking worthless. They stir the shit all day long. Pick little fights, backstab and are on the whole just... _____ < insert word of mass hate. THESE. Man. Im telling you. I can do without.
The Itch "Master the strategies that get the Itches off your back, working more independently, and making their own
decisions."
Weak. WEAK WEAK WEAK WEAK. They never got enough hugs. They were never good enough for mummy and daddy. So on, and so forth. They need a guiding hand, a fair shake. A babysitter. A good team member, but still they're just fucking like ghosts..
Here, cold. Clammy. Maybe not. Cage fight against the INTiMIDATOR, niice.
The Smarty-Pants "Get rid of the contentious mentality the Smarty-Pants promotes and start working together toward mutual goals."
Ok, you dont go into a butchers and tell him how to cut meat. You DEFINITELY do not go in and tell him that the beef looks underfed, the cut its .3345 degrees off and he looks a little sweaty. They butt heads with you, argue over the stupidest little things.
Intelligent fuckers. Thats all, just because they can articulate better then some, doesent mean the INTIMIDATOR wont fuck em up a leetle after work.
So there you have it folks, serious writer Skullbite.
Over and out.
*kerrrrrrrrrshhhhhhhh*
You dont have to do that, it does it for you.
Ok, *kerrrrshhhhhhhhhhhh*
That was the last time.
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-10 16:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:51:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Serious-ly funny.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-03-10 16:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats at B@W
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Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-25 10:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done
yeah!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2008-03-06 13:10:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This one time during college I was at the bar and I felt my asscheek get pinched. I was pissed/scared lest it be one of my friends trying to fuck with me or an ugly chick. But it was a cute chick--not drop-dead gorgeous, but definitely fuckable with 1/2 or less beers.
This post is like a cute chick that pinched my mental asscheek.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-28 12:32:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
YEAH!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats at B@W
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-25 10:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-25 09:25:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, this post was much better received than I had predicted. Good on ya mate.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-02-24 21:52:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-02-24 01:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-02-22 22:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-02-22 22:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you call the guy with the really big cock who does most of the work, then bangs all the hot chicks in the office?
-----------
They usually call me 'sir'.
--
Hey, what the hell are you doing? That was a set up for Shlongy to answer.
--
Oops, I fell for it.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-02-24 01:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-02-22 22:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-02-22 22:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you call the guy with the really big cock who does most of the work, then bangs all the hot chicks in the office?
-----------
They usually call me 'sir'.
--
Hey, what the hell are you doing? That was a set up for Shlongy to answer.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-23 20:05:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate those fuckers who don't understand that you only need to TALK into the phone, not SCREAM into it. I don't give a shit what you and your impotent husband are having for dinner bitch, be quiet.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2008-02-23 19:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I work with drama squirrel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPX5qZr1v6M&feature=related
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-02-23 11:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Money Papers. That is my new official currency.
Submitted by lilybaby228 (user info) at 2008-02-23 08:42:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-22 19:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, and FG, to cope with it, either before she comes in, or after she leaves for the night, every once in a while replace one of her precious pink fluffy things with something black or death related.
Like a scull in place of a crown.
Or a plastic bone in place of one of the wands.
or a black sign that says "bitch" instead of the princess sign.
Or a picture of a graveyard in place of the picture of the kitten (or whatever furry aminal it is, yes I typed aminal)
Never admit it was you, and always replace the original article the next day... keep finding new ways of invading her cube with "darkness" You should be SOO GOOD at this... oh, and I expect posts about the reactions!!!
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That is beautiful. Ha ha ha she is going to go cry. Please tell me that you are going to do it :) Pink and purple and feathers are the devil anyway...
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-02-23 04:49:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apt linkwhore:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/93099
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-23 03:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will do this.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-02-22 22:26:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its appease the kraken time mother fucker.
Submitted by HandZon (user info) at 2008-02-22 22:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-02-22 22:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you call the guy with the really big cock who does most of the work, then bangs all the hot chicks in the office?
-----------
They usually call me 'sir'.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-02-22 22:14:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you call the guy with the really big cock who does most of the work, then bangs all the hot chicks in the office?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-22 19:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, and FG, to cope with it, either before she comes in, or after she leaves for the night, every once in a while replace one of her precious pink fluffy things with something black or death related.
Like a scull in place of a crown.
Or a plastic bone in place of one of the wands.
or a black sign that says "bitch" instead of the princess sign.
Or a picture of a graveyard in place of the picture of the kitten (or whatever furry aminal it is, yes I typed aminal)
Never admit it was you, and always replace the original article the next day... keep finding new ways of invading her cube with "darkness" You should be SOO GOOD at this... oh, and I expect posts about the reactions!!!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-22 19:12:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd say that's the "soap star"
I'm gonna go out and buy pink and lavendar feather boas and crowns now...
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Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-02-22 12:08:13 PST (#)
Ranking: 0
Which group does my coworker belong in?
Has her cube decorated in pink princess theme. No, I'm not kidding. Pink and lavendar crowns, wands, hearts, stars, and a little painted plaque that says....wait for it.....Princess.
She has a fat ass.
She works really hard at NOT DOING HER FUCKING JOB!
She takes 15 million breaks a day.
She has a loud and grating voice. I now know the last movie she saw, that she's going to be visiting her grandmother this weekend, that her husband is going to wash the car tonight, blah blah blah.
I think she's only done a half hour's worth of work today. Same yesterday. Day before that too.
Where does she fit in? And how do I cope so I don't go stark raving mad?
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-22 18:37:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-02-22 17:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a slacker.Further definition pending.
_
Never had alot of dough?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-02-22 18:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha at Rick Renzi +2. Beer time!!
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-22 17:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The Slacker.
Uber.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-02-22 17:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a slacker.Further definition pending.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-22 16:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There were some classic lines there, when I saw "The Downer" I thought you were going to talk about people with Down syndrome...
"LOOK there is a flying FUCK, that I dont give about anything you say."
Classic line in the making?
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-22 16:26:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-22 16:21:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I masturbate with steel wool mittens.
I'd say that's pretty unacceptable employee behavior.
====================
HA, I bet thats not the first time you've used blood as lube.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-02-22 16:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-22 16:21:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I masturbate with steel wool mittens.
I'd say that's pretty unacceptable employee behavior.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-02-22 16:18:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm a terrible employee
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-22 16:12:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure I have employees for every one of those categories.
Those bastards!
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-02-22 16:06:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I recognized one of my coworkers with each one of these.
I work with a Milton. I fear he'll one day climb a clocktower or blow the office up someday and his self-talking makes me want to run his eye through with my pen.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:51:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Serious-ly funny.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:46:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been---
The Excuse Artist
The Short-Changer
The Intimidator
The Minimalist
The Smarty-Pants
I am also---
The Conservative Socio-political Ranter
The Bullshit Master
The One Who We HOPE is Joking When He Makes THOSE Remarks, and You KNOW the Kind of Remarks I'm Talking About
The Short Fuse
The Profanity Artist
The One Who Intentionally Skews All of the Data When Taking Online Tests and Self-Evaluations, Throwing Off the Scores of the Entire Team
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:22:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most of the people on the planet share a common hatred - office coworkers. This sums them up nicely.
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Money Papers.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:08:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Which group does my coworker belong in?
Has her cube decorated in pink princess theme. No, I'm not kidding. Pink and lavendar crowns, wands, hearts, stars, and a little painted plaque that says....wait for it.....Princess.
She has a fat ass.
She works really hard at NOT DOING HER FUCKING JOB!
She takes 15 million breaks a day.
She has a loud and grating voice. I now know the last movie she saw, that she's going to be visiting her grandmother this weekend, that her husband is going to wash the car tonight, blah blah blah.
I think she's only done a half hour's worth of work today. Same yesterday. Day before that too.
Where does she fit in? And how do I cope so I don't go stark raving mad?
===================================
Ha, the fucking usless group.
Which most employees fall into.
How the FUCK do they get away with it?
I just do not know.
The damn gossipy WHORES.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:08:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Which group does my coworker belong in?
Has her cube decorated in pink princess theme. No, I'm not kidding. Pink and lavendar crowns, wands, hearts, stars, and a little painted plaque that says....wait for it.....Princess.
She has a fat ass.
She works really hard at NOT DOING HER FUCKING JOB!
She takes 15 million breaks a day.
She has a loud and grating voice. I now know the last movie she saw, that she's going to be visiting her grandmother this weekend, that her husband is going to wash the car tonight, blah blah blah.
I think she's only done a half hour's worth of work today. Same yesterday. Day before that too.
Where does she fit in? And how do I cope so I don't go stark raving mad?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-02-22 15:05:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a very interesting writing style. It's almost like there's a strobe light going off in your frontal lobe.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-22 14:56:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything has.
So I went with it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-22 14:55:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More of a +1 but it's two hours to weekend freedom for me and I'm in a good mode. Have a +2 to offset the impending onslaught of everyone who will say "IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE."