Terminator Drunk (944 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.01 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TooMuchMan (View user info) at 2008-02-23 01:17:01 EST
I believe that there are three levels of drunk. I'm not talking about tipsy, or buzzed, or even slightly hammered. I mean plain old stinking drunk, drunk enough to tell stories about it.
The first is regular, shit-faced drunk, the type of drunk that happens when you're out with your buddies and are slamming down drinks until you are shit-faced. This level of drunk most commonly manifests itself (in men) in a certain cockiness and invincibility. Shit-faced drunk is the level at which you scream at cars, get in fights with strangers, and punch the mirror in the bathroom. Some people don't get cocky; some get oversexual and start grabbing tits. Some get retarded with the philosophizing and start trying to explain to you why Ron Paul JUST MIGHT BE Jaysus. Some (like me) get super munchies and end up annihilating a pizza. The hangover from shit-faced drunk is normally terrible, but doesn't seem so bad because shit-faced drunk is fun. You wake up on the floor of the bathroom with a raging headache, but you pick yourself up and gobble some Aspirin, and say "DAMN, that was fucking epic last night. I want some eggs."
The next level of drunk is blackout drunk. Blackout drunk normally is what ensues when you're depressed and wipe out an entire bottle of scotch, or when you're shit-faced drunk and someone tells you to slow down, leading you to get pissed off and start doing shots. Blackout drunk leads Jack to be a dull boy, because you are so drunk that you can't control yourself and end up blacking out while standing, hence the name. Blackout drunk is crapping yourself in the parking lot drunk (guilty). The hangover from blackout drunk is unbearable, because blackout drunk is no fun, even if it started out as shit-faced drunk. You wake up a bathtub half full of tepid water and covered in your own vomit, and you think "I can't remember what the hell happened last night, but this isn't good. I need to slow down." Blackout drunk is the level at which you choke on your own puke, or regain consciousness in an alley, rolled or raped, or at the bottom of a flight of stairs, covered in snow.
But every serious drinker knows that there is a third level of drunk, a drunk so drunk that it defies explanation. It comes AFTER blackout drunk, where you somehow migrate to a higher plane of drunkenness. Sharon Osbourne gives a great description of this type of drunk in describing the time that Ozzy tried to kill her. He had drunk several bottles of vodka, and in her words, Ozzy became "beyond drunk." I like to call this "Terminator Drunk," and although I'm not sure where I first heard this, I know I didn't make it up. Probably the internet taught me somehow. Those guys that you hear about who are picked up by the po-po with a .49 BAC? That's Terminator Drunk. Terminator Drunk cannot be reached via beer, it requires real alcohol or at least Thunderbird.
Terminator Drunk is referred to as such because you are a Terminator. You cannot be stopped, and your singular purpose is always to do something which is too goddamn stupid for your own good. This isn't a question of drunken bravado, this is Terminator fortitude. Terminator Drunk brings with it a certain clarity of purpose that both Shit Faced Drunk and Blackout Drunk do not offer. I've only been Terminator Drunk four or five times ever, and I consider myself to have been an alcoholic throughout 6 years of college and grad school. One time I gave myself a small tattoo of a M on the top of my foot using an acoustic guitar string and a Bic pen (yes, like a fucking prisoner--I have no idea what gave me this idea). One time I ate three cigarettes (OM NOM NOM NOM). Once I was thrown out of a Primus concert in at Lupo's in Providence, and attempted to walk to their next show the next night in Boston (I made it halfway to Central Falls before coming to my senses).
The best thing about Terminator Drunk? The fact that there are no consequences. Quite seriously, nothing can happen to you when you are a Terminator except for maybe you'll do some drug that you wouldn't normally do. Plus, you can fuck up Robert Patrick something fierce.
User Reviews
Submitted by F_N_S (user info) at 2008-02-26 21:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blackout drunk is crapping yourself in the parking lot drunk (guilty)
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i'm not the only one
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-02-25 20:00:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
rad1101 and ilikesteak:
I found your reviews whilst self-centeredly searching my name, and have no fucking clue what you are talkign about or how I came into this.
WOOO
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-25 14:12:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot to rate.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-25 14:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-25 14:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Too many quotes I liked to pick one.
HA, I've been terminator.
Slammed a half gallon when I was 15.
Long storey << I fucking hate that word >> short.
Seven hours in the hospital.
I pissed all over myself AND my dad.
Yelled at the cop, and the drug dog.
Screamed white power at a black lady, IN THE WAITING ROOM.
Rode a bike!
Fell.
again.
and again.
and again.
Oh, post in the making on this one.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-25 11:44:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I now have a name for it.
I got in so much trouble the last time I got really smashed, I am on a three pint limit now. sucks.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-25 10:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is one more stage of drunkeness you have not listed, probably because it is so rare. In fact, it has only happened to me once - sobriety. That is, you drink yourself sober. After drinking an ENTIRE .750 liter bottle of Patron Tequila (with beers) during the 2001 Patriots-Steelers playoff game, I was as sober as a judge. Weirdest fucking thing ever.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-25 01:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Coley is entertaining. Drunken or not, she always brings a smile.
This is like wathcing a trainwreck, if watching a trainwreck wasn't fun. No smile on this one.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-02-24 14:54:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what the fuck was I talking about?
my head hurst
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2008-02-24 09:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This *actually* isn't bad. The elements of truth in it make it rather funny. I think the title would have been better if it was something like "The levels of drunk", or "The Tiered drunkeness bravado", or something.
Good beans old chap. Good indeed.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-02-24 07:31:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
steak you fag, and coley you fag and everyone else you circle-jerk fags who I never have encounter with the Kremlin ask for papers
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-02-24 07:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you are impressed by nicole's drunken ramblingsl you surely must enjoy this trite
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-23 17:05:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-02-23 12:23:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-23 01:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Not Impressed.
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this is almost exactly like the crap you write
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Clearly you must be lacking the intillectual fortitude to distinguish between greatness and failure.
Wait... are you terminator drunk right now? Because that'd explain a lot.
Still Not Impressed.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-02-23 15:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-02-23 13:02:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-23 05:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-23 03:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm going to be playing the blackjack table with one of my hoes tomorrow night. i'm going to get Terminator drunk, win a few thousand dollars, and then rail the fuck out of her.
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by 'rail the fuck out of her', he means pass out in a puddle of his own vomit, of course.
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The post was just Ok but this comment is gold! Hahahaha.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-02-23 12:23:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-23 01:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Not Impressed.
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this is almost exactly like the crap you write
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-02-23 10:56:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This reads like a Tucker Max description of the varying levels of drunk, neither creative nor original.
Sorry Charlie.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-02-23 10:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if this is an alter dont mess it up....
just junk your other names instead
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-02-23 08:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i approve of this post and of lupos in providence.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-23 08:30:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicked ass, I don't see why people didn't rate it higher.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-02-23 06:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-23 05:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-23 03:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm going to be playing the blackjack table with one of my hoes tomorrow night. i'm going to get Terminator drunk, win a few thousand dollars, and then rail the fuck out of her.
---
by 'rail the fuck out of her', he means pass out in a puddle of his own vomit, of course.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-23 05:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I regularly get 'Terminator Drunk', that's a pretty gay name for it though.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-02-23 03:46:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-23 02:07:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-23 02:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
i bet this was real funny after that puff on a joint.
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oh, it was!
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Totally.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-23 03:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm going to be playing the blackjack table with one of my hoes tomorrow night. i'm going to get Terminator drunk, win a few thousand dollars, and then rail the fuck out of her.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-23 02:07:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-23 02:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
i bet this was real funny after that puff on a joint.
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oh, it was!
Submitted by bjrog2 (user info) at 2008-02-23 02:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. I didnt think this deserved a -2, so i evened it out.
Never been terminator drunk, but tonight is a new day. With a $500 drink card to the Cargo lounge, we shall see
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-23 02:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i am laughing so fucking hard right now. i've been Terminator drunk quite a few times. it's almost killed me three of those times. do you know why it didn't? because i could not be bargained with. i could not be reasoned with. i felt no pity or remorse. and i absolutely WOULD NOT STOP... EVER... until i passed out.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-23 02:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
i bet this was real funny after that puff on a joint.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-23 01:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Not Impressed.