Shit that pisses me the fuck off (1574 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.53 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tigre (View user info) at 2008-02-24 00:13:24 EST
For those of you who knew me before my incarceration, you know that I was an angry person. Since being released I am a far more subtle, yet nonetheless angrier person. It's all because of assholes in this world that there are assholes like me. Behold, my repetoir of shit that pisses me the fuck off.
-A fucking centimeter of milk left in the carton: People that do that shit suck. Drink the rest of the goddamn milk! Is is that you're too lazy to crush up the container and put it in the trash? Or do you just feel guilty about finishing off the rest of the milk? Let me tell you this; I won't feel guilty at all when I Chuck Norris you in the face next time you leave a 1/10 of a glass of milk in the fucking jug, asshole.
-Sneezing so hard it hurts: You ever sneeze really hard and your shoulders hurt? It's fucking bullshit. Theres no way to make it feel better, all you can do is sit there and be pissed off about how much of a pussy you are for hurting yourself after a wussy sneeze. Asshole diaphram.
-Old people driving really slow: Stay the fuck home gramma puddin'! All you're good for is giving me money and a hard time about not calling enough, so stay off the fucking road. Nothing in your life is as important as me being less late to work, you worthless old fuck. Now get in the kitchen and start making me some goddamn cookies.
-Rednecks that win the lottery: Why the HELL is it that ONLY rednecks seem to win the goddamn lottery? All they ever do is blow it on stupid shit! You never see somebody in actual need of the money, or just a normal joe with a regular job that would invest it wisely so that it served his future generations; nope, it goes to Jeb, the huskey chewin', snapple drinkin', bush-votin', gun-totin', pissed off sonofabitch that just shot a deer in his front lawn.
-Cold Toilet Seats: There seems to be no medium between soft seats that won't pinch your ass after five minutes of sitting on them, and seats that are perpetually ice cold. Every time I forget that the seat will be cold; and every time it pisses me the fuck off. By the time the seat is warmed enough from my fat ass, I'm done shitting, so I'm even more pissed off. Goddamn thermal distributive properties of glazed porcelain can kiss my fat ass. Sonsabitches.
-Piss on public toilets: This shit pisses me off so bad that I feel obligated to perpetuate the cycle. My thinking is that whatever asshole pissed on the seat the last time is bound to need to take a shit there again some other time, so every chance I get I piss on every seat everywhere I go. In fact, I go out of my way to use the stalls to take a piss just so I can piss on the seats to spite the public for being lazy assholes. Fuck you public. You piss me the fuck off.
-Old socks: Few things suck more than realizing your nice, new, soft socks are now shitty and brown. They don't feel good, and they stink like fetid ass. It sucks, and it pisses me the fuck off. Socks are goddamn expensive, and I'm sick of buying new ones when I need something soft to wack off in. It's ridiculous.
-Retarded people in department stores: Granted it comes with being smarter than most people in the world, but why is it that people at places like Wal-Mart are absolutly, without any shadow of a doubt, retarded? Any question you ask seems to force you to be drug around on a wild goosechase for something that asshole KNOWS they don't have, they just know that guiding you around keeps them from being forced to do real work, like polishing my knob. Buncha assholes need to stop smoking crack while they're pregnant - no, I take that back; we need retards to do things like stock shelves, make my hamburgers, and give me +2s on ubersite.
-Stuffed up noses: Nobody deserves to have a stuffed up nose. It's one of the worste tortures ever created by satan, and it plagues me nearly every morning. It's bullshit, why can't we just fucking blow our noses and be cleared of all the meteoric dust, mucous, and fly shit we've been inhaling and be done with it? Why do our bodies insist on being stuffed up for no goddamn reason? It pisses me the fuck off, almost as much as assholes who spent twenty futile minutes standing by me with tissues trying to blow the shit out. Here's a hint asshole: If the shit didn't come out in the first minute, the next 19 isn't gunna be much help either.
-Rosie O'donnell: Need I say more?
-Assholes that ride my ass on back roads: What the fuck is your problem? I'm sorry I don't drive these bullshit turns every goddamn day looking for grey squirrels to shoot, so go the fuck around- oh wait, you can't! We're in the fucking boonies! Hah, sucks to be you! You want to ride my ass? Good, I'll go another ten miles an hour slower for your ass, I've got a good long time to get to where I'm going.
-Security Guards: Quit looking at me motherfucker. Just because I stole some shit from your store doesn't mean you get to look at me like I did. Even if I did, what're you gunna do? Shoot me with your fucking radio? That badge doesn't mean anything more than the fact that you're a fat pussy that couldn't cut it to either be a real cop, or get a real job, so stop acting like your big and tough and start polishing my nuts.
-That little asshole paperclip guy on windows word: Yeah, I know you can turn him off, but when I first open up Word he pisses me off so bad I forget what I was gunna write about. In fact, he pisses me off so bad that one time I had to go outside and scream at a young child before I felt well enough to write my English assignment. Fucking Bill Gates. Motherfucker pisses me the fuck off.
-Being Tired: Are you saying that after a grillion years of evolution, we humans still have to sleep for a third of our lives? And even after that, most of us are still tired and feel like shit? Why the fuck do we have to sleep, huh? We can't our brains just do the shit it needs to little by little rather than fucking inconveniencing me when I COULD be doing something productive, like downloading porn, or giving Fat Tony(rest in peace Fat Tony's presence on ubersite) +2s. The fuck man.
-Repetitive reruns: I don't care that it costs over a million and a half to produce a family guy episode, there should be a new one on every day goddamnit. I'm sick of watching about Luke perry being gay three times a fucking week. Come up with some more shows motherfuckers.
-Stupid shit in the news: Who fucking cares about some typhoon in asia, or that a morbodly obese hobo raped another dolphin; I want to see real news, like that guy that made a sound system that blows the close off of beautiful women (a special frequency prevents them from being blown off of fatties), or that Paris Hilton came out with a new sex tape. Who gives a shit if Lindsay Lohan is still doped up? I wanna see her tits, why don't you show me those goddamnit? Shit pisses me the fuck off.
-Whores that if you talk to for five minutes, you're their boyfriend: What the fuck is wrong with these clingy motherfuckers? You're ugly and disgusting, and I don't want to fuck you; hard as that may seem to believe, you're not worth the chance of me catching your nasty. Have you tried going out with say.. a goat? They're loyal, they won't leave you, and hey! They're a pretty good lay so I hear!
-Shitty batteries: What the fuck man? It seems everytime I actually PAY for batteries, they're pieces of shit! Why is it that stolen batteries last like, eight times as long? It doesn't matter if they're the same brand or not. If they leave the store unpaid for, they're magic. Otherwise, they suck balls, and it pisses me the fuck off.
-The fact that 're: 16/y olds' isn't very popular anymore: What happened to you wazaa? where did you go? Where did the most famous line of ubersite disappear to? We need to revive this long-lost manuscript. We need it to make it the anthem of ubersite- No! - the anthem of the universe! The fact that we havn't already pisses me the fuck off.
-The word 'Truncated'. It's a stupid-assed word, and we need to get it the hell out of our dictionary. I say we give it to the french and let them put an even more stupid meaning onto it. Let them pretend to be smart while they eat their baguettes and sip their red wine. We're the ones with freedom fried and Chuck Norris motherfuckers. Beat that shit.
-Nasaly, whiny kids: If you are too fucking retarded to discipline your child, send them over to my house for a week: I GUARANTEE they won't be whiny motherfuckers anymore. I'll beat the shit out of them with a wooden spoon and a bag of frozen oranges until they learn to appreciate shit like their lettuce and mold sandwhiches. Little assholes piss me the fuck off.
-Parents that raise their kids to be just like them: Just because you're a retarded redneck that likes to shoot stuff, doesn't mean your kid needs to be. Why not try to give them opportunity? Give them a computer instead of a fucking shotgun for christmas smartguy. The last thing this world needs is another retarded asshole like you working at Wal-mart dragging me by the dick through sporting goods looking for fucking epoxy. IT'S NOT HERE MOTHERFUCKER! STOP FUCKING LOOKING HERE!
-Getting the shits after heavy drinking: Why is this? Is a hangover not enough? Why must I be cursed for two days with totally liquid shitting? It pisses me the fuck off.
-When hot water goes cold: Why the fuck does the hot water tank not work on the concept of magic? Why? Why can't I take a four hour hot shower? Is it REALLY necessary that it be hot one minute and cold as a nun's nipples the next? Jesus H. Christ give me a couple more minutes you piece of shit. Pissin' me the fuck off.
-Pens that don't work: Why is it that when a pen doesn't work, NOBODY is willing to throw it away? When I look around and see eighty five pens all around me, I'm assuming they're there because they work and people use them: NOPE! That's sure as hell not the case! Not a single one of the motherfuckers work without spending half an hour drawing fucking circles. It's retarded.
-People that eat my lunch at work: If I find you, I will kill you, and all your next of kin. Then I will go into your house and shit all over your carpet, and feed your parrot alkaseltzer. Don't have a parrot? Then I'll give you one a few days before I kill you, just enough time for you to get attached. That'll teach you, asshole.
That's it for now. It's midnight and I stopped giving a shit.
User Reviews
Submitted by icanbecool (user info) at 2008-02-26 15:35:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"close off of beautiful women" I believe you mean "Clothes".
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2008-02-26 14:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-26 09:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-02-26 07:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-26 07:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i was sucking snot into my gullet JUST as i got to the stuffed noses part.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-26 06:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wooden toilet seats. It's the only way forward....into the past.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-25 15:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-25 12:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So much of it is true.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-02-25 10:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-25 10:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Shit that pisses me the fuck off: whining.
Although the pissing on public seats rant was amusing.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-02-24 22:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I tried to enjoy this and I failed.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-02-24 21:12:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
started losing me a little in there but i kept with it
on a related note some dude got sued because he "poisoned" his own lunch with exlax to get at the fucker in his office that was stealing his lunch... he ended up fired and owing the sonbitch that stole his lunch a large sum of money.
what the fuck kind of world do we live in where we can get sued for adding laxitives to OUR OWN FOOD???
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2008-02-24 17:30:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I like your list.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-02-24 17:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You remind me a bit of Maddox, only funny.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-24 16:51:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Being a retard is a job requirement for working at Wal-Mart.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-24 15:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My list is much longer than yours, but yours is clearly more well thought out than mine.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2008-02-24 09:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have taken 3 vacation days in a year and all 3 were with a temp of 102 or higher. Ugh.
But I shall never forget wazzas words of wisdom, cuz hey "if they are comin at you..."
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-02-24 07:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Driving test regime if I ever get in the position to make the decision:
1) Driving tests every 8 years from 17 to 60. The first one will cost the same, the rest will be 20% less.
2) 60-70 Tests every 4 years, 35% reduction.
3) 70+ every 2 years, 50% reduction.
4) Tests will not be if you can perform a manouver EXACTLY 6 INCHES FROM THE FUCKING CURB OR YOU FAIL. They will be real-life-situation based ("You are in a cul-de-sac. Turn the car around safely and courteously (No using other people's drives), in whichever way you deem appropriate." etc).
5) Driving lessons will not be £20 a go. You will not need 8724658756 of them to pass. Motorbikes take 2 DAYS of lessons to pass the test, which is no less difficult (Same manouvers, same roads, often more powerful vehicle).
Further, motorcycles will have REDUCED fuel costs up to 650cc, as will cars up to 1.2L. This allows for a good, SENSIBLE commuter vehicle which is economical to run. Let's be honest, you don't need a BMW X3 to drive to work, or a Porsche to drive your kids to school. Or the other way round.
Submitted by Entaran (user info) at 2008-02-24 06:26:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
imatard
orsoithinkiamanyway
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-24 06:14:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yeah.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-02-24 05:32:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest thing I've seen on here all week.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2008-02-24 02:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2008-02-24 02:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my nostrils is ALWAYS plugged. Always. If I blow one side to even then up, the other one becomes plugged INSTANTLY. I don't remember a time when I had my entire nose clear all at once. I don't think it has EVER happened.
I really want to know if thats normal.
---
Completely normal. Your body automatically toggles nostrils for some weird reason that I can't remember. I used to think that something was wrong with my nose, too. Happens most often when I'm laying down to go to sleep.
Sometimes I take those thin plastic strings that retail stores use to attach price tags to clothes, and I tickle the inside of my nose until I have to sneeze. I blast all that mucus out of my nose, and it feels a bit better, but one of my nostrils is always clogged no matter what.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-02-24 02:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2008-02-24 02:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my nostrils is ALWAYS plugged. Always. If I blow one side to even then up, the other one becomes plugged INSTANTLY. I don't remember a time when I had my entire nose clear all at once. I don't think it has EVER happened.
--------------------------------------------
You sound hot. a/s/l?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-02-24 02:29:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2008-02-24 02:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-Stuffed up noses: Nobody deserves to have a stuffed up nose. It's one of the worste tortures ever created by satan, and it plagues me nearly every morning. It's bullshit, why can't we just fucking blow our noses and be cleared of all the meteoric dust, mucous, and fly shit we've been inhaling and be done with it? Why do our bodies insist on being stuffed up for no goddamn reason? It pisses me the fuck off, almost as much as assholes who spent twenty futile minutes standing by me with tissues trying to blow the shit out. Here's a hint asshole: If the shit didn't come out in the first minute, the next 19 isn't gunna be much help either.
-----------------------------
One of my nostrils is ALWAYS plugged. Always. If I blow one side to even then up, the other one becomes plugged INSTANTLY. I don't remember a time when I had my entire nose clear all at once. I don't think it has EVER happened.
I really want to know if thats normal.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-02-24 01:34:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, you need to get laid. Seriously. Want me to email you Method's Mom's address? Or to find it yourself, just google "whore". It's the first result.
Submitted by bjrog2 (user info) at 2008-02-24 01:05:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-02-24 00:57:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you right
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-24 00:19:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I try to leave some milk left for coffee drinkers