The True Story of Jesus Christ (Part 1) (576 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalLabels: Jesus_Christ
Rating: 0.77 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2008-02-27 09:49:34 EST
Over two thousands years ago a man was born unto the world, that would reign a darkness across the planet long after his death, he would bring pain and suffering to millions. Feared by his own people they murdered him in a way most brutal, in hope of quelling his vicious ways.
This is the true story of Jesus Christ.
Through hours of torturous suffering, Mary's body racked with pain as she tensed and twisted, the child within her, clawing at her insides she screamed in agony. Joseph stood aside, and wept, he could not console his wife, as she wriggled and stiffened around in the musty hay.
It was a long labour, and Mary died soon after, but not before clutching the young babe to her bosom; the child had seemingly tore her apart inside. Before she died three men came to her, all three blind and clutching sacks.
"The Child you bear"
"Is one of evil"
"The stars have led us to the end"
"We offer you"
"These gifts of three"
"To hope that thee"
"May kill that which you have bourn"
"For it is not for this land"
"And must be returned"
"From whence it came"
"Lest the world turn insane"
Mary watched as the trio seemingly sung this dreadful tune, she pulled Joseph to her and made him swear upon her their very love, that he would not let harm come to her child. He cast the three men out and as he swore upon Mary's love that he would raise the child, she died with the infant suckling from her teat.
Many years passed, and Jesus grew tall and strong. Where other children played, he worked hard for his father, who had turned bitter and angry over the loss of his beloved wife Mary. He beat Jesus regularly, and forced him to work long hours. As Jesus grew older, he watched how his father moved, and learned how to take a beating while taking little injury, he watched the muscles tighten in his fathers neck, or the joints twist just before a blow would land; sometimes he could even hear his fathers black heart beat with anger. At fourteen years old Jesus broke his fathers fist, then tortured him for hours, as he went to work with the carpentry tools he'd become so fond of.
Jesus, knowing that retribution would follow left the small town he grew up in and set forth on his travelling, arriving in Arimathea, a bustling market town, where many people could hide if they did not wish to be found.
Two years had passed since Jesus arrived in Arimathea, and people knew him by site, but not by name. He moved swiftly, and learnt that to dawdle was to get caught, and to get caught was to be killed. He learnt the silver tongue common to the market traders, and taught himself new tricks, slight of hand and how to capture some ones gaze so they look directly at what they cannot see.
He was bright, and quick to learn (he had the beatings of his father to thank for that). When Jesus was seventeen he saw, and paid attention to the first holy man his eyes had ever fallen on. He rambled on about these Gods, as if they had by divine influence controlled Jesus and his life. Jesus rationalised that having taken such grand control of his own life, he must in turn be a God, and in turn he deserved the respect and admiration these people lavished upon this... impostor. The wind screamed, the skies cried and the sun faded as Jesus set his plan most foul in action.
"Who goes there?" The guard stank of booze and sweat, without making a sound a hand came out of the shadows and out dropped a gold coin. "Alright then, get in there" The guard stepped aside as the hooded man stepped through the archway and into the well lit house.
The bar was quiet, and the hashish had filled the room with an acrid smoke that consumed almost anything it touched. Inconsequential's sat all around the room, laughing and joking with the bare breasted girls, as they laughed and worked their wicked ways.
Men came and left with a thud, the closing of the door, or a body being dropped. No matter, he was only after one man.
Making his way round the sordid little whore house, he saw the man he wanted. A young girl no older than thirteen on his lap and a drink in his hank, his eyes sunk with anger in his head, as if he was trying to send the world into the very abyss itself.
The hooded man sat down next to the vile wretch, and dismissed the girl with a wave of a hand. "Are you not the man they call Peter?"
"Who's asking?"
The hooded man dropped the cloak to reveal a scared and rugged face, "I am Jesus of Nazareth...and I have a proposition for you."
User Reviews
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-02-27 20:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would read part 2.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-02-27 14:53:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
PROOF READ!
How dare you threaten my status as King of the Typos!
Jesus stuff...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/53803
The Gospel According to Jack - The Pranks of the Apostles 13:1-50
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-27 14:37:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Steak like. Post the rest eventually.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-27 14:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fan-fucking-tastic.
I rather enjoyed this.
(Because I too, am evil.)
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-02-27 14:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is post number 115221
1+5=6
2+2+1+1 = 6
You see where this is going...
Submitted by cerpin_taxt (user info) at 2008-02-27 14:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice interpretation, can't wait to read the rest.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-02-27 13:36:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-02-27 13:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost made comics about the real life of Jesus and the bible, but I decided I was above that.
And by above that, I mean, I was almost sure someone else must have done it already.
---
http://holybibble.net/
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-02-27 13:30:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The Adventures of Jesus has to be the most-often-told story in the history of the world. Therefore any "fresh take" on it becomes automatically stale and hackish. So, yeah. No.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-27 13:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-02-27 13:17:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost made comics about the real life of Jesus and the bible, but I decided I was above that.
And by above that, I mean, I was almost sure someone else must have done it already.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-02-27 11:10:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Anything constructive?
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
just..... don't.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:54:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers Yozz
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, that was pretty good.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:27:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
that would reign a darkness
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Sorry, but I stopped right there. You usually post pretty decent stuff though.
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why did you stop there? Just so I know.
I was going for the idea that darkness ruled. Bit too cliche or something else?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:26:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:22:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This really wasn't a very good story, but have a +2 because jesus freaks will hate this.
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I think I over left alot out without meaning to. I'll bring alot more together in part two and really get it going.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
that would reign a darkness
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Sorry, but I stopped right there. You usually post pretty decent stuff though.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:24:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wiki works enough. Most people know only the basic story line anyway so if you go too deep the joke gets lost.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:22:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This really wasn't a very good story, but have a +2 because jesus freaks will hate this.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:05:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope. THIS is the TRUE story of Jesus Christ - www.zeitgeistmovie.com
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was really tempted to start bitching about ratings/noobs/alters/ retards etc... but then meh! I hear there's life after ratings...
Thanks FALLEN. I'll look at your stuff.
Quick question, I want to find a 'dummies guide' to Jesus's life, so I can parody it better... any ideas? Or just wiki?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:03:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, not bad. I'll give this a chance. Liked the idea of Jesus going to work on Joseph with his tools.
"I already told you I don't know anything about any fucking immaculate conception; you can torture me all you want."
"Torture you? Thats... that's a good idea. I like that one."
Submitted by creman (user info) at 2008-02-27 10:01:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-27 09:58:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY!
I re-write biblical history around here.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115060 (paralel with your post)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114215 (my favorite)
but, keep writing. I like it.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-27 09:55:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Could've been good but was poorly written.