I Can't Help That I'm Custom Made (1727 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.14 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2008-02-27 15:10:30 EST
User Reviews
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-02-28 17:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-27 21:47:26 GMT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a much better cult here stateside, Joey.
There's less brainwashing involved...if you're interested.
Though you'll have to ditch the Ford Focus.
(Why do you have a Ford Focus?)
-------------------
AS for cults, I'm into anything. I used to think that brainwashing was just some form of nasal enema, but when that vicar spurt his batch up my nose back in Sunday School it kinda lost its appeal.
As for the Ford Focus, it was a 'gift' from my Mother, for passing my driving test when i was 23.
4 years and precisely 11 breakdowns later, I'm starting to miss those woolly sweaters my gran used to knit for my xmas 'gifts'.
I was supposed to sell it last August, but the rain came down and washed poor Joey's house (and luck) away. Unlike the spider in the spout, I couldn't try again when the sun came out.
Hence the black heap of shit is still on my driveway, with a tax disc that expires in 2 days time.
*breaks out teh banjo and sits in rocking chair, singing about car value depreciation and a dead dog*
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-28 12:20:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have enough vowels for that contest.
weeeep
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:38:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, now that gives me a GREAT idea for an Uber writing contest...have people write a post using an anagram of their user name as a title.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh GREAT. Now you made me go and look up anagrams for MY user name:
Tantra Phonics
Instant Carhop
Constrain Path
Not A Chinstrap
A Captor's Ninth
Nacho Tan Strip
Spat Into Ranch
Paint or Snatch
Chant "No Rapist!"
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-28 07:32:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Y HALO THAR GIANT ADS
"Hide ads" isn't hiding ads. WTF
Submitted by Randy_Rottenbuckets (user info) at 2008-02-28 02:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything is false, everything is permissible.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-02-27 22:34:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just got me a Wii (near impossible to find round here)
auto "Me Wii" +2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-27 21:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is a big pussy suck fest.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-02-27 18:33:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's the best work excuse ever
"I'm sorry... my master won't allow me to do that"
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know. I'm also Me Talk Rasp, Plasma Trek, Tramps Leak, Karma Slept, and Slam At Perk (which is actually part of the reason I don't rate Perkman's crap anymore).
You're also A Organ Storm, FYI.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
MY will.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:30:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
at will?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:25:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Unless what you're interested in is complete submission, mental and physical.
In which case, that can be arranged.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What people want to do with their bodies outside of the commune is up to them.
They can want a Ford Fiesta for all I care. They can prefer almonds to figs, I give a damn.
Want to clap on the off beat at work? Whatevs.
Once you step through those gates, though, you're mine.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no, I don't want to imagine it. In fact, quite the opposite.
but i'd rather not think right now... THAT is the whole point of a cult isn't it? Not thinking on your own?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:13:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
skrap - your name turns into "palm skater." FYI.
Crystle - You're all growns up, you can think for yourself.
But why would you want to imagine that you had a Ford Focus?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no, I don't have a ford focus.
have I abdicated all right to thought?
can I pretend I have?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, while I was in that mode, I find that a good anagram for "Orgasmatron" is "O snort a gram".
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is the giraffe crying because he's a republican?
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:04:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
WILDLIFE TREASURY!!
THAT'S what those sumbitches were called.
I was having the hardest time coming up with the name. I kept thinking "Sweet Pickles" but that was totally off. What a stupid name. If the 80s proved anything it was that people are fucking stupid and will buy products with stupid names.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-27 17:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
a few months ago the boy asked why the giraffe had those things on his head, and wanted to know what they were called.
now i know about ossicones and okapis.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:58:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ordered those animal fact cards that could be kept in the little green case with the handle on top and the tab-lock on the side when he was a kid below.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:50:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the giraffe's little horns are called 'ossicones.'
the only other extant animal with ossicones is, of course, the okapi.
the okapi also has a long blue tongue very similar to the giraffe's.
the two animals share a body shape, with the exception of the okapi's much shorter neck.
the okapi has dark fur, except his legs, which are black and white striped and resemble a zebra's.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:47:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Too late, Crystle. You're already in.
(Why do you have a Ford Focus?)
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:46:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You didn't tell me about the ford focus thing....
I'm having second thougts now.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:46:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a much better cult here stateside, Joey.
There's less brainwashing involved...if you're interested.
Though you'll have to ditch the Ford Focus.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:38:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
although they did say there was free parking at the local nightclub on saturdays, on the proviso that they let me test some new electronic equipment in my Ford Focus.
rather good of them, no?
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Flagrante delicto with legs akimbo saved this from a negative rating.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:37:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not only a giraffe, but a giraffe with a terrorist-like beard.
They didn't tell me THAT at the local brainwash committee
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:35:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, so it's a giraffe.
my mistake.
they look so similiar from behind after a few glasses of red wine spiked with rohypnol from the local sex beast.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:34:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The cross earring on the cow made me think of a Mark Billingham book where 3 teenage kids kicked an asian youth to death and the ringleader bummed him good and proper.
Based on current murders/convictions in the UK, the book, although fictitious, read more like a daily tabloid than an imaginative work.
Makes me proud to be a Brit..........
............A Brit that plans to emigrate as soon as funds allow.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:31:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I don't understand a bit of this but I did see the word "akimbo" without the word "arms" adjoining, so +2 for that.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-02-27 16:25:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What are you, some kind of Uber poet?
That seems rather, how shall I say this without offending....gay.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-27 15:53:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay giraffe!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-02-27 15:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I just look good, smell good WOOOO!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-27 15:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-27 15:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT IF I DON'T WANT A FAKE DICK?
---
Then stop watching me water my plants through your spyglasses.
Actually, no. You know what. You'll take a fake dick and you'll like it. Or else.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-02-27 15:44:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the queer?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-27 15:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least I know who you're talking about.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-27 15:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT IF I DON'T WANT A FAKE DICK?
Submitted by celtic1888 (user info) at 2008-02-27 15:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this is mediocre at best
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-02-27 15:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Negative.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-27 15:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ubertines entry?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-27 15:11:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice earing ya gay