Veni Vedi Velcro (1308 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 70 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleMonster (View user info) at 2008-02-28 09:18:57 EST
I should have read more. I should have read all the books I could get my hands on. Then and only maybe then might I have been in any sort of position to attempt to do what I did. Glancing through a couple of old manuals was never going to equip me with the skills needed to safely and cleanly remove a marine toilet. Sadly I was not going to let a small matter of skill, IQ and ability stop me.
It was my first day working alone on the boat, with a cup of tea in one hand and a small white inhaler, lamely trying to pass it's self off as a cigarette in the other, I stood shivering in the cold morning air. It was going to be a good day; I could feel it in my bladder. I even had my lucky socks on. Today I was going to remove the old toilet and install a temporary chemical loo so we could at least have a pee onboard, thus improving our quality of life ten fold. I hadn't told my other half, it was going to be a surprise, and if he knew what I was planning he would no doubt try and talk me out of it.
It all comes down to the seacocks in the end. For those who don't know, they are valves situated at various points all over the boat. They need to be open to let any wastewater out of your bilge/sink/waste pipe. In turn, if you do not make sure they are all closed when you go to sea, you will sink. Quickly. This would be my first task, open the sea cocks connected to the toilet and put a bucket on the outside of the boat to catch any waste remaining in the pipes. So far, so good. Then I looked in bowl it's self. It was full of festering liquidized shit. What is wrong with people? Neither I or my other half had checked it when we got her on the understanding it didn't matter what condition it was in. We were going to replace it anyway. It was the original, which made it over 36 years old.
With my mask firmly in place and furiously chewing extra strong mints to try and help combat the smell, I pumped the contents out as fast as I could. I continued pumping long after it had gone, just to make sure. The smart thing to do at this point is to go outside and check that everything has gone smoothly. I'm not that smart and proceeded undeterred. With the stink over bearing I opened the door to the cubicle that is our bathroom to let some air through. I then set about unbolting various bits and bobs, making sure that nothing more was attached before I disconnected the pipes from the back of the bowl. Except the pipes wouldn't come off. The jubilee clips came off fine, but the pipes wouldn't budge. Never fear, my trusty hacksaw is here. This would have been the correct thing to do, had the seacock not failed to open, something I was blissfully unaware of at the time. Upon later investigation, I discovered the handle of the seacock had turned but sadly the valve had seized. This meant that everything I had tried to pump out was now sat in the pipe I was about to saw through. Not only was it still in the pipe, it was under a huge amount of pressure.
I took my mask off so I could see what I was doing better, I didn't want to accidentally saw through my hand.
The explosion as I cut into the pipe was so violent that it covered the small cubicle from ceiling to floor with shit. There was a moron shaped silhouette on the door behind me where my body had taken the blast. Unfortunately my kitten had taken this opportunity to come and investigate what I was doing and got a solid covering too. I cannot begin to describe the horror of the smell or the weight of the two second pause between the explosion and me throwing up everywhere, including on the kitten who was still coming to terms with what had happened.
I slumped down amongst the shit and sick and began to cry, it was going to take an awful lot of chemical cleaner and time to clear up the mess. The cat just arched his back and stood their hissing at me before making a bolt for my pillow.
Half a packet of Marlboros later, I began the clean up, which involved binning all bedding after the kitten got on it, jet washing the inside of the boat, myself and the cat. He still has hate in his eyes every time I go anywhere a hosepipe. By the end of the day I the new chemical loo installed and apart from a slight lingering smell and no bedding left, everything was looking good for when my other half got home.
When he stopped laughing at the cat and I, he got a bit dark about the fact we would be sleeping on bare boards that night. I was beginning to think I had got away with it when casually asked me whether I was up to date on my vaccinations.
Bugger.
"Get in the car."
I spent the rest of the day waiting in the walk in centre to have half a dozen needles stuck in my arse.
Fuck seacocks.
User Reviews
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2008-03-26 11:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh thats just nasty...funny...but nasty.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-02-29 21:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*chuckle*
Good to see you back, Ye-Of-The-Mighty-Breasticles.
Missed you.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-29 21:27:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOORAY FOR LITTLE MONSTERS!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-02-29 19:11:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaaaa
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:17:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It would have taken me days to stop puking.
This was an awesome tale.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:14:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahoy thar
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:50:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Boats are fun to pee off. I always kinda feel like my pee is going home when I go into a large body of water.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-29 08:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I had quit (still am) but I don't think I have ever wanted a ciggie as bad as I did after the explosion.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2008-02-29 08:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh... but I cant help wondering why you smoked 5 - 10 malboroughs before you started clearing up.
Im a smoker... and I can almost taste the shit with every drag.
Wait, you might have given me a reason to give up. :)
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-29 08:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's all I do!
I have a supersoaker too, the yard guard has banned me from attacking other people with it.
The other day my other half came back to find me with war paint on and a knife between my teeth. I hate it when he comes back really early without warning. I'm not sure I have seen anyone looked so concerned about me. It didn't help that I have trained the kitten to sit on my shoulder, or that I was drinking rum straight from the bottle.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-02-29 08:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whilst on your boat, do you ever allow random moments of silliness overcome you, squint one eye shut, and growl "yargh! I'm a pirate!"
I know I would.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-29 06:13:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote - you have been to the darkside my son. You have experianced most unacceptable things.
St. J - They are right.
Sacy - That made me pee a little with laughter.
Joey - Nope, no more, never again. I didn't know it was possible to OD on peanut butter, but apparently it is. Makes you feel icky and sick.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-02-29 05:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-02-28 22:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...no words...
...should have sent a poet...
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-02-28 20:06:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, this was as funny as it was disgusting.
I've heard that getting sprayed with rancid poo can fuck up your whole month.
I never went as far as to test that hypothesis, however.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-02-28 18:54:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-02-28 17:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you been eating teh peanut butter sammiches again?
I thought we learned our lesson from last time, hmmm??
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2008-02-28 16:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marine toilets are too diabolical NOT to have played a role in world history at some point. Let's not even talk about putting on the mask and snorkel and going over the side with an unbent coat hanger to try to free up a blockage from the other end.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-28 16:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I admire you, lady. You're out there doing things most of us would only dream about not wanting to have to do.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-02-28 14:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Irish have a saying for that situation: McNasty
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-02-28 13:07:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The perfect uber post. Funny, well-written, self-depricating and descriptive. A+
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2008-02-28 13:04:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are as awesome as your boobs. You can't say that about many people anymore...
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-02-28 12:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/110901
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-02-28 12:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was highly funny; probably one of the only poo stories I've found so.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-28 12:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-02-28 12:24:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm awaiting the camwhore of that 'moron-imprint' on your door.
Funny shit.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:27:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://imdb.com/title/tt0822389/
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:19:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers Hurty, I will give it a go.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:15:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 16:12:21 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously, there is a film about a guy who does this? You've got to be kidding me.
==========
Yeah, it's really good. I think it went straight to DVD over here, but it's certainly the best Aussie film I've seen since Romper Stomper. Basically it's a documentary style following this guy called Kenny who works with chemical toilets. Sounds simple and kind of duff, but it seems to be all made by the same family (one brother directs, one is Kenny, Kenny's son is actually his) so it's really genuine and funny. Touching as well. Buy it if you see it, it won't be much.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:12:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
moron shaped silhouette, lol
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously, there is a film about a guy who does this? You've got to be kidding me.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:11:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep - Kenny's job was not something I'd aspire to, but he was quite an interesting guy - great lisp when he talked, and so many ssss when you talk about shit all day.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:08:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-02-28 16:04:42 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
chemcial toilets - very interesting devices.
==============
Have you seen a film called 'Kenny'? It's about a guy who plumbs chemical toilets and it's really rather good.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
chemcial toilets - very interesting devices.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:57:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY SHIT YOU LIVE ON A BOAT?! I HAD NO IDEA!
Also 'cock' *snorts*
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This need more globe like boobs
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:49:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
im really suprised this went down so well. pleased though. Thanks
might post more now.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:47:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...Wow.
That image...you know, the fecal explosion one...that was painted very well, and it was HILARIOUS.
Good show.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Deserves more. Way more. This was great!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:21:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YARRRRRR!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a load of shit :D
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...
...
...
There are no words.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Jolly' good. :)
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:06:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now now. I never came across as insulted. I was basically just explaining that I have none and wouldnt be able to deal with one if I did.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for being so insulted at the idea, Drogo. I used the word 'jolly' and LM jumped to the wrong conclusion!
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Since when is Orhpelia my femme alter? I have none. I struggle to deal with my own personality so having another would seriously throw me out.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ta Berty, I'm ok now, but there have been a number of horrific disasters along the way and I'm sure there's more to come. I'm not sure I have the stomach to document the jigsaw incident.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hereby rename you 'crazy boat lady'.
Please feel free to submit your next post under this name.
And please continue to start every review on other posts with 'well, on my boat' or 'when I was on the boat'... :)
<3 crazzzy boat lady. Does Drogo know you think I am his femme alter?!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:59:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best post you have ever done. It's so funny I almost broke my lungs laughing.
Ah, but you poor dear! Is it all better now? Are you okay?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:58:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Story of my life. So sorry dear.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:57:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HA thanks for clearing that up for me.
must bully joeyG too
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Umm okay so I cant mention being busy at work. hmmmmmmmm?
Well I was abducted by a Nigerian goat herder who wanted to ransom me for a new goat as his current goat was getting old and, despite giving mean hummers since losing its teeth, wasnt going to last another season. After a lengthy negotiation with various people and the offer of a camel, which was declined due to height issues and lack of a suitable box to stand on when carrying out his 'Business', he eventually relented and said yes to a Donkey.
I was released and promised to keep in touch with Mungaba-Whenichu-Mumba (Click/Pop)seing as we handed bonded during my imprisonment. Sadly though the government took a dim view on my Nigerian friend and decided to beat him to death with the carcass of his old goat.
I'm back now though and am dreaming up some nonesensical bullshit to post on the intraweb.
Yay.
p.s At no point was I buggered during my capture.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:54:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, some typos at the end, but otherwise awesome.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
needle, vein, vain.
You're welcome.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, orph. tis about the boat.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why aren't you posting any more drogo? Don't tell me you are too busy at work because I wont belive you.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:48:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this about your boat?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:47:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
None whatsoever, I dont even know what one would be?
It was a genuine dog. A doberman to be exact.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
no pun intended drogo?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:42:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was bitten by a dog once, when in a previous existance, then my boss made me go to hospital to make sure I was alright. I ended up having a nice nurse hold my hand whilst the ugly nurse stuck me in the butt with a needle. I managed to go on a date with the hand holding nurse though so all was not in vain.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...
[blink]
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My pleasure.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for sharing Lung Fish
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:30:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once got snowed in while staying in a cabin. Three-foot snow drift against the door. I had nowhere to be, and I had three litres of Jim Beam and plenty of popcorn, so it was no problem. After two days, I ran out of places to piss, having filled up two empty milk jugs. This was reason enough to get out, which wasn't really that hard. Plus, I had to shit.
Thanks for posting.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
4. I'm sure it's only 4.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:28:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-02-28 09:27:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Five of your paragraphs start with the letter 'I'
could you be more self centered?