Loosen Up (636 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by orph (View user info) at 2008-02-28 10:39:17 EST
Alan was never sure why people complained about their socks having holes in them. All his socks have holes, one each. If they didn't they'd not be socks, but fully contained little enclosures of sock fabric.
Smoke bellowed from the kitchen, so he turned off the smoke machine, and made breakfast. Although, technically, the fast had been broken earlier in the night, with gulps of milk at midnight to help ward off the vampires - he'd heard they hated milk, and he'd never seen any vampires around so it was obviously working.
It's at time like this when a certain antipodean television commercial would have you believe that you need a hard mint sweet that slowly softens into a gelatinous goo the longer it is sucked. Alan could never see how this would help things, other than allow one to share a smug, knowing smile with one's fellow sweet suckers, and a bit of a laugh at the unpredictability of life.
Alan moved on through the hall into a dusty swirl as he stepped into the sparse and windy tundra that used to be the lounge room. Steam rose from his coffee mug and was quickly stripped away by the cold morning air.
Just as he suspected, four horsemen rode over the small hill in front of him, and charged, their long braided hair bouncing and curling as it streamed out behind them. Their small steppe ponies seemed to float across the ground; the riders moving with a grace that can only be learned from a lifetime in the saddle.
Alan didn't need anymore milk today, so once again they left empty-handed, and once again, promised to be back again tomorrow. One of them still wanted a rematch to win back his horse blanket, but Alan's days of Texas Hold-'Em were long finished.
Snuggling in under the delicately woven blanket, he blew a few horse hairs out of his mouth, sighed, and then got ready for another day at work.
His usual walk along the usual path took an unusual turn. For some unknown reason, (and I believe we should pause for a moment and discuss the laziness of the author to utilise this tired and worn cliché as a tool to move the story along. Is any reason really unknown? - Surely as sentient beings, we have the will and the intelligence to analyse our motivations, and not consign the blame to poor fate when something occurs, or has such a lacklustre and nihilistic view of life penetrated our souls so deep, leaving us bereft of ....of something), Alan, on a whim, decided to loosen his tie was he walked.
The effect was immediate. The colours of the world brightened as the long constricted blood rushed in and filled the capillaries surrounding his grey lobed thinking machine. His eyes burned as they took in all around him, although upside down as normal, but now his brain went to work, and turned everything the right way up for him to enjoy.
Life had been a struggle up to this point, but he had learnt to cope with his upside down view of things, so the effect was rather disorientating, and he staggered for a moment, becoming aware of the joys that right side up viewing could bring.
He sprang with a figurative and literal spring in his step, as he tried to shake off the remnant hangers on from his short-cut via the spring factory, and bounded into work. Three promotions later (as he was now unfettered and provided more good ideas and input in three hours than he had in the last three years), he went to lunch, and on another whim (warning - lazy plot device) he loosened, nay, unbuckled his belt.
Well, I'm sure we've all seen people put away a big meal from time to time, and observed the slightly glazed look in their eyes as they lean back from the table, exhale, and then exclaim some utterance regarding the quality of the previously consumed fare, but never had Alan been a participant in such an episode.
The crowd that had built up around him chanted in unison (or otherwise it would have been a cacophony), willing Alan on as he ordered each dish from the menu, and devoured them in turn. Cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, and milk could never aspire to challenge his taste buds again, and he owed it all to giving his stomach some breathing space. Until now he'd been held by the chains of that cruel brown leather strap around his middle, but like a gastronomic Daniel Boon, his gut now got some elbow room.
Eventually, he staggered home; the afternoon had pulsed by in flashes of his new brilliance accompanied by frequent trips to view the bathroom's white porcelain up close, depositing what he had earlier consumed with such gusto.
His wife was there when he arrived, and made him his usual dinner, which he dumped into the bin, scraping the bowl clean of cornflakes, and throwing away the score of boxes in the cupboard that held the same.
Unusually, as he went to bed, he slipped of his wedding ring, depositing it on the wooden top of his bedside table (my god, this is excruciating - reader). Another shackle broken, another chain cut, another binding torn away.
His dreams held every fantasy he'd ever wished for as his mind delivered waves of untold ecstasy upon him. He was no longer married to the succubus that had stolen and locked away his libido. The faces of all the women he'd seen throughout the day came to him, there bodies as well once he was finished with them.
He awoke exhausted, yet satiated; she who must be obeyed still lay sleeping, unaware of his nocturnal exploits.
He went to put on his socks, but now they had no holes.
User Reviews
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:06:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-02-29 09:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-02-28 18:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I liked this very much.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-02-28 17:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this story deliver
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2008-02-28 15:30:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Word.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-02-28 15:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-02-28 12:40:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:34:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BOING
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-28 11:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lucky git. Glad you are back, anyhow :)
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:52:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally unrelated, but his art is fuckin awesome.
http://iamant.com
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That stuff is pretty awesome - reminds me of the anime Aeon Flux for some reason.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:53:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-02-28 15:47:10 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
god, how bad was the sheffield v boro game? how hard is it to string some passes together?
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I practically rejoiced when the game was over it was that bad. Still, for it to be decided on an own goal is shameful.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:52:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally unrelated, but his art is fuckin awesome.
http://iamant.com
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. Hope you had a good hol. Again.
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Yep - Hong Kong and Shanghai were awesome. NY for easter, and just booked Japan and Italy trips for later in the year. There's so many cheap flights around at the moment.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:49:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. Hope you had a good hol. Again.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking COOL
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"gastronomic Daniel Boon"
I liked that.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:47:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
god, how bad was the sheffield v boro game? how hard is it to string some passes together?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fair enough, I hate quiet smoke myself.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This wasn't too bad. I expected it to be, but it wasn't.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No this was loud smoke.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:45:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in great pain about that still. I was watching the Boro v. Sheff Utd. game last night and they flashed up the scores. Humiliating. Utterly hopeless, the end times are upon us.
Submitted by JesusIsAHibee (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-28 15:43:10 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
"billowed", surely?
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Here sir, what happened last night?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-28 10:43:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"billowed", surely?