Stupid Things I've Said or Been Told (1239 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.56 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Oly (View user info) at 2008-02-29 03:05:00 EST
Feel free to add your own. I'll give out a +2 for every quote that makes me pity your life.
"You've been training in MMA for eight months? Fuck off, my boxing record is 12-2" - I have never been in an organized fight.
"What the fuck do you mean 'hand me my drink?' Look right in front of you on the table you retard. It's right there." - my friend, at a party, to a kid he didn't know was blind.
"Oh. Well at least he doesn't know what I look like." Same friend, thirty seconds later.
"I don't see any reason why a girl would ever break up with me."
"So what if she has dated half of my friends, I really think we have something."
"Sure, I'll go out, but I won't drink. I have a midterm at 9." Upon getting to bar: "Oooh, dollar fifty pitchers of Coors Lite!?"
A friend of mine: "I'll just move my car from the street to the driveway." Twenty minutes, three thousand dollars in damage, and one DUI later: "I swear I'm not even drunk!"
"This is the best food I have ever had in my entire life. This place is the Olympics of fine Mexican cuisine." -during my first meal at Taco Burrito King.
"Augh! The sun's reflecting right into my eyes! It's blinding me!" - to my great aunt, who is blind.
"This Alex kid is fucking retarded. Why some people become English majors is totally beyond my understanding." -to the girl sitting next to me during a peer editing session in my prose class yesterday.
Her response: "I'm Alex. That's my paper." Whoops.
"I know we hooked up when s/he had a boy/girlfriend, but I bet s/he wont cheat on me." - everybody, ever.
One of my female friends, who is 19, talking about her 38-year-old boyfriend: "Well my ID said I was 23 and he said he was 28 so we were both lying so it doesn't count. Besides age is just a number, and it's unfair that what he have should be squandered just because of his age or mine."
Five minutes later, same conversation: "Ew, no, I won't ever date anybody my own age. I am much too mature for anybody under 21." - she still doesn't understand the logical inconsistencies here.
"Sure, I don't mind living on the Honors floor. I have lots of smart friends, how bad could it be?"
To my ex-girlfriend, when asked to compare her and another girl (some other guy said this other girl was better looking and my gfriend wanted validation): "Well, she's just a little bit hotter than you, but you wouldn't have been able to land me if you weren't incredibly hot yourself. She's just top shelf." Fuck me for being honest.
"Nooooo, no no no no. Dude. This door, man, this door opens outwards. I know it does. It's just stuck on something, man. It's stuck. I just need to kick it."
*Door flies off its hinges*
"Well what do you know, you were right. It does open inwards." -after a gallon of Yellow Tail.
"I drive really well in the snow, just shut up and buckle your seatbelt."
"How many of you in this room would still have sex with me even though I'm wearing sweat pants? Okay, the answer is all of you." -to a room full of 20 people after being asked (once again) why I don't wear jeans when I go to parties.
"I don't want to take protein powder because I don't want to get fat."
While I was at the ATM at my dad's bank, two years ago, to my friend: "Hey, did you know that when you are at the ATM and they ask you if you agree to pay the transaction fee, you can just say no? Lots of people don't know it's optional."
About a month ago, she called me up: "Hey you jerk, remember that one time you told me ATM fees were optional? Were you lying to me? I always hit no and then it spits my card back out at me."
"I'll never rush a fraternity, those guys are such faggots."
Two days ago; it's somewhere on this site: "I think I've decided I'm going to Clemson Law when I graduate." - Clemson doesn't have a law school. I have never been more shocked.
"Dude, oral sex is lame." - after my first time getting head. Turns out it's not supposed to take an hour.
"Sure, I think a $1000 dollar swimming scholarship sounds great, I don't mind giving up on baseball forever." (not a direct quote, obviously, but my thought process)
On my birthday, a couple weeks ago: "I'm sober."
"Yeah right, I so totally could drink both these [large party cups ¾ filled with Captain] before you can count to ten."
"Have a nice day," said some chick representing leukemia patients, from whom I just bought one of those gay little rubber bracelet things for three dollars.
"Thanks, enjoy the leukemia," I said without thinking and trying to be polite.
One time, while drinking with my mom (at the restaurant where my sister is a bartender) who completely abhors my interest in joining the military: "You know, I don't think I could ever kill an animal. It makes me sick to think of shooting a deer or a skunk or something like that. But I seriously would have no problem killing some guy wearing rags in the desert."
To the Master Sergeant teacher of my Army ROTC course: "Yeah, I'm thinking about going Marines when I finish up with school."
Another of my dumbass friends: "So I've been reading Tucker Max, and you know what? That Tucker Death Mix (can of red bull, quart of Gatorade, lots and lots of everclear)? Weak. I could drink that motherfucker under that table anytime." - for clarification, this kid is fat at 5'10" 150 pounds.
"Andrew, you are an amazing writer. Considering your lyrical precision at the sentence level, I would be surprised if you weren't an incredible poet." -my Rhetorical Theory teacher from last semester. This one will make more sense to you when I put some poetry up here in the coming days. I will explain why I'm doing this to you and myself when it happens.
Okay, I'm pretty sure this could go on forever, but I'm tired of writing. Let's see what we can do as far as camwhores go.....
why the fuck not. before 6 am swim practice in high school:
User Reviews
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-04-13 02:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
magic AND sunshine, hot damn!
Submitted by CatWoman (user info) at 2008-04-04 11:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A friend of mine: "I'll just move my car from the street to the driveway." Twenty minutes, three thousand dollars in damage, and one DUI later: "I swear I'm not even drunk!"
I love it. I like you. U made me laugh.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-22 17:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you.
Just sayin'.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-08 03:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can do Vancou (is it cool if I call it Vancou?), but like I said before, I need a ride. This Cancun trip is about to clean me out.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-04 02:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should totally come to Vancouver.
We have booze.
Lungfish is comin'. We can have a party, eh.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-03-02 01:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-01 20:53:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I JUST BOUGHT A FIFTH OF SKYY AND EIGHT CANS OF RED BULL, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DRINK IT ON THE WAY OR SHOULD I JUST CHUG IT ALL DOWN NOW!? I CAN BE THERE BY MIDNIGHT!!
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-03-01 20:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NO YOU DRIVE HERE
THERE IS A KEG OF BELL'S AMBER ALE AND A KEG OF RACER 5 HOLY SHIT!!!1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-01 20:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YEE HAW LET'S GET DRUNK
I haven't had a drink in 2 weeks. Lame. Getting old is so weak.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-01 20:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and I've also just completed my TIPS training, so I'm fully prepared to handle irresponsibly and illegally drunk individuals of all classes and colors. I can officially be considered an authority on the subject of underage consumption and care tactics.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-03-01 20:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2008-03-01 19:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
> and while i'm generally over cheap beer, it is just as strong or weak as better tasting beer. the
> alcohol content is the same as in anything else. and when you have 3 pitchers in an hour and a
> half, it then seems like a good idea to switch to well vodka and red bull.
This is not true. Shitty American beer has a lower alcohol content than decent beer. The exceptions to this proudly declare so, yet manage to taste even worse than their lower-alcohol-percentage counterparts.
Proof:
Beer Percentage Alcohol Comment
Coors Lite 4.2% Beer in question
Steel Reserve 8.1% Mentioned high alcohol yet extremely shitty taste
Guinness >7% 'Randomly' selected non-American beer
So, since Ubersite decided I was done with my comment prematurely, I'll go ahead and admit my lie:
Becks ~4% Another 'randomly' selected non-American beer
Still, quite drinking piss.
___________
Do you have the slightest idea what you're talking about? You can get a very high quality Pilsner or Wit, and they can be as low as 3%. Some of the best breweries in the world have stouts. Often around 5%.
Learn yourself something.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-01 20:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-03-01 20:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like someone that's not bad to drink with. Wanna come to my party tonight?
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Only if you want to come pick me up, in which case I would love to.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-01 20:21:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who gives a shit? Seriously, who cares? The difference between, say, Keystone and Busch Light is negligible when you drink 20 of them.
Guiness, while being higher in alcohol content, costs a fuckload more (over time -- I'm certainly not fretting over a single drink) than Coors Lite. And let's get serious. You drink Guiness because you want to enjoy your beer. You drink Coors Lite to get fucked up for a low price. You drink the two beers differently.
My favorite beer is Fat Tire. I NEVER drink Fat Tire to get drunk. In contrast, I would never drink Coors Lite in moderation. I can spend the same amount of money on 30 Busch Light as I can on 5 Fat Tires at a bar. Roughly 15 dollars.
Say what you want about the alcohol content; when you see an empty box of coors lite on the floor, you know somebody is belligerently drunk.
You alcohol purists kill me.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-03-01 20:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like someone that's not bad to drink with. Wanna come to my party tonight?
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2008-03-01 19:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
> and while i'm generally over cheap beer, it is just as strong or weak as better tasting beer. the
> alcohol content is the same as in anything else. and when you have 3 pitchers in an hour and a
> half, it then seems like a good idea to switch to well vodka and red bull.
This is not true. Shitty American beer has a lower alcohol content than decent beer. The exceptions to this proudly declare so, yet manage to taste even worse than their lower-alcohol-percentage counterparts.
Proof:
Beer Percentage Alcohol Comment
Coors Lite 4.2% Beer in question
Steel Reserve 8.1% Mentioned high alcohol yet extremely shitty taste
Guinness >7% 'Randomly' selected non-American beer
So, since Ubersite decided I was done with my comment prematurely, I'll go ahead and admit my lie:
Becks ~4% Another 'randomly' selected non-American beer
Still, quite drinking piss.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2008-03-01 19:33:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
> and while i'm generally over cheap beer, it is just as strong or weak as better tasting beer. the
> alcohol content is the same as in anything else. and when you have 3 pitchers in an hour and a
> half, it then seems like a good idea to switch to well vodka and red bull.
This is not true. Shitty American beer has a lower alcohol content than decent beer. The exceptions to this proudly declare so, yet manage to taste even worse than their lower-alcohol-percentage counterparts.
Proof:
Beer Percentage Alcohol
Coors Lite 4.2%
Steel Reserve 8.1%
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-01 02:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha...
way back when i started driving, i thought i was such a great driver in the snow. this one day, i wanted to fishtail down a road without cars on it after it had been snowing all day, so i gunned it (in my corolla) for half a block, then slammed on the breaks. i had no idea what i was doing. i slammed nose first into a tree. luckily, i had been in an accident about a week earlier so nothing was any more damaged than it already had been, so i never told anybody about it until last year.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-29 14:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Friend: "Dude, you should totally do a power slide in that frozen parking lot."
Me: "OK."
One more half rotation and the side of the car with the gas tank would have been crumpled into wall.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-29 13:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
"A shot of Jagermeister? WHY NOT?"
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-02-29 13:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-02-29 13:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i overheard some kid talking to some girl at an apartment party and i jumped into their conversation with this gem. he didnt say anything to me before that.
------------
In that case it is funny.
However not as funny as you being beat by a fat chinese kid.
The only sports they excel at are ping pong and martial arts*.
*only martial arts that don't involve actually hitting people since 1985, trust me I have seen Best of the best 1-3 and American Ninja 1-4.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:04:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I do."
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:00:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That Chinese kid is not fat.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:57:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have posted here 245 times so far, with no immediate end in sight.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:42:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I assumed you were the asian, btw.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:40:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I know we hooked up when s/he had a boy/girlfriend, but I bet s/he wont cheat on me." - everybody, ever.
YEP
"Thanks, enjoy the leukemia," I said without thinking and trying to be polite.
I am so ashamed I laughed at that.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:51:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-29 06:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pitchers of Coors lite??? Christ weak piss that exits before it has anytime to do anything to you. He would have been fine for his midterm.
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DOLLAR FIFTY PITCHERS!!!! do you even understand how great a deal that is?!
in contrast, i was at a university of illinois bar last weekend where miller lite bottles were 3.50
--
I'm not disputing that it seems like a good deal. I'm just drawing attention to the fact that it is 'Coors Lite' the only danger your friend was in during his mid term was having an extremly full bladder.
--
i said this, not my friend.
and while i'm generally over cheap beer, it is just as strong or weak as better tasting beer. the alcohol content is the same as in anything else. and when you have 3 pitchers in an hour and a half, it then seems like a good idea to switch to well vodka and red bull.
anyway i got a high B on the midterm.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:46:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-02-29 08:25:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"You've been training in MMA for eight months? Fuck off, my boxing record is 12-2" - I have never been in an organized fight.
Disregard this comment if this was just friendly banter, but anyone who is about to get into a fight starts bragging about their fighting skills is a douche.
As is anyone who is friends with fat chinese kids (I am assuming you aren't the fat chinese kid, if so, good luck with that).
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i overheard some kid talking to some girl at an apartment party and i jumped into their conversation with this gem. he didnt say anything to me before that.
the fat chinese kid was the fastest swimmer on our team. but this is ubersite and i understand what you were going for.
please dont hurt my feelings anymore.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! I remember those early morning high school swim practices as well...
...damn glad that was 17 years ago.
My infamous stupid quote from college: "There are PLENTY of erogenous zones on the female body besides the genitalia." - spoken to a group of males on the honors floor
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-29 06:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pitchers of Coors lite??? Christ weak piss that exits before it has anytime to do anything to you. He would have been fine for his midterm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DOLLAR FIFTY PITCHERS!!!! do you even understand how great a deal that is?!
in contrast, i was at a university of illinois bar last weekend where miller lite bottles were 3.50
--
I'm not disputing that it seems like a good deal. I'm just drawing attention to the fact that it is 'Coors Lite' the only danger your friend was in during his mid term was having an extremly full bladder.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-29 08:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:42:57 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is wrong with oral sex lasting an hour?
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it wasnt because it was good. i just kept wishing the tv remote was closer.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-29 06:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pitchers of Coors lite??? Christ weak piss that exits before it has anytime to do anything to you. He would have been fine for his midterm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DOLLAR FIFTY PITCHERS!!!! do you even understand how great a deal that is?!
in contrast, i was at a university of illinois bar last weekend where miller lite bottles were 3.50
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-02-29 09:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for my ipod: put it on hold, that charges it.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-02-29 09:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I know we hooked up when s/he had a boy/girlfriend, but I bet s/he wont cheat on me." - everybody, ever.
MWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-29 09:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Told by a crazy ex:
"Well, when I was 13, I decided to run away from home, so I started walking down the highway, but I didn't bring any food or blankets or even a coat. A guy came and picked me up, and told me he knew a place where I could stay, and took me to an old broken down farm house in the woods. He came back and brought me food later. He said he had to go home, but he'd come check on me in a couple of days. I WAITED FOR HIM TO COME BACK FOR 3 DAYS BEFORE I WALKED THE MILE TO MY HOUSE"
Stupid at so many different levels.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-29 09:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm guessing you're the one on the floor with the asian guy's foot on him?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-02-29 09:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
W0000000000 GO TIGERS
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-29 08:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-02-29 08:45:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:42:57 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is wrong with oral sex lasting an hour?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-02-29 08:25:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"You've been training in MMA for eight months? Fuck off, my boxing record is 12-2" - I have never been in an organized fight.
Disregard this comment if this was just friendly banter, but anyone who is about to get into a fight starts bragging about their fighting skills is a douche.
As is anyone who is friends with fat chinese kids (I am assuming you aren't the fat chinese kid, if so, good luck with that).
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-02-29 08:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-29 06:53:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:42:57 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is wrong with oral sex lasting an hour?
===============================================
Awesome ;)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 06:42:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What is wrong with oral sex lasting an hour?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-29 06:29:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To my ex-girlfriend, when asked to compare her and another girl (some other guy said this other girl was better looking and my gfriend wanted validation): "Well, she's just a little bit hotter than you, but you wouldn't have been able to land me if you weren't incredibly hot yourself. She's just top shelf." Fuck me for being honest.
--
Ouch. You actually said that out loud? To your Girlfriend? Hehehehe
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-29 06:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pitchers of Coors lite??? Christ weak piss that exits before it has anytime to do anything to you. He would have been fine for his midterm.
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2008-02-29 06:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY LOOK, IM THE BLURRY ONE IN THE BACK!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 05:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, you are laying in verucas and pubic hair and stuff... urgh!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-29 04:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well that was a pretty stupid thing to say. would you like a +2?
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-02-29 03:58:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you realise people who do swimming for a sport are fags?
i mean that seriously. australia is arguably the best at the sport, and we have what i probably the second gayest city in the world. we only have like 6 cities. these facts are not coincidences.
enjoy the buttsex. remember to push back.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-29 03:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
if this post doesnt blow up overnight, im going to destroy ubersite. if i come back tomorrow and there are less than 50 reviews, youre all fucking done, sons.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-02-29 03:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
in case you have the brainpower of a coalbucket, i am the white guy on the floor.