A French Fancy (2311 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorLabels: fiction
Rating: 1.86 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-02-29 10:07:08 EST
From the moment I saw her, I knew she would be filthy.
"Here," I said to my mate, Gav. "Check out Polkadots over there."
His eyes followed my pointed finger across the bar, and settled on the lusty brunette grinding up against a pillar in time to the music. Her eyes flashed leering stares at every guy who walked past, as if daring them to try their luck.
She was no beauty; her hair hung greasily around her shoulders and her thighs stretched out the polkadot mini-dress that clung to her. Her stomach was potted and round, but not unattractive, and her huge boobs owed more to chubbiness than anything else. Still, the way she gripped her bare legs around the pillar, and pouted outrageously at passers-by had my cock twitching at the thought of just how dirty she would be. Her brazen sexuality more than made up for her lack of Hollywood appeal.
Gav cast his discerning eye over her. "Dude, she's a hooker," he asserted.
"And? I've got a few hundred francs left and we're gettin' the ferry back tomorrow. She looks like an awesome shag."
Gav chuckled. He had already had his cock wet twice on the trip, once with a drunken slut up an alley, and one greased-up handjob from a stripper in Paris. "It's your money," he reasoned. "Just take her into the toilets."
My French is pidgin at best, but I was tanked up on blonde French lager and eagerness. I caught her eye and began walking over, trying to be nonchalant. She never took her dark-eyed, mischievous gaze from me for a second. The little wench even licked her lips and stuck out her chest as I forced my way through the crowd to her.
"Eh...bonjour," I smiled. "Je voudrais...aller... des toilettes...avec toi."
She looked disgusted. Her lips twisted into a scowl and her tits jiggled in frustration. I flashed my hands apologetically, and tried again.
"Non, non...um...je pense que vous...trés belle. Magnifique!"
Her mouth softened, and she grinned cheekily. "Vous-aimez moi?" she enquired.
"Oui!" I yelled. "Je t'aime...uh...beaucoup!"
"Mai les toilettes?" she asked, a look of melodramatic disappointment falling over her Gallic features. "Ce n'est pas bien."
I looked around in frustration. Gav was bigger than me, and he was driving, so there was no way he would let me shag her in our hotel room. And if she didn't fancy it in the toilets then I doubted a dark alley would suit either.
"L'hôtel?" she asked, cocking her head to the side like a minx.
I was gutted.
"Eh...je ne...rien...parce que...oh fuck it, we can't go to my hotel. Non, n'est pas bien." I was pretty sure she wouldn't understand that, and rolled my eyes in frustration. Just as I was turning back to Gav and his inevitable mocking, she grabbed my hand, and tickled my palm slightly with long finger-nails. My cock jumped to attention.
"How...about...my..." she pointed at her quivering bosom. "...hotel?"
Happy fuckin' days!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Mate, how the fuck is this gonna work?" demanded Gav. He was raging.
"Listen. I'll leave straight after I've fucked her, jump in a taxi to the hotel and it'll be fine. What time's the ferry?"
"Its at...like...half seven! Man, you don't even have any battery in your phone! What the fuck are you gonna do if you get lost or this bitch turns out to be a fuckin' nutter?" He pointed at Polkadots, who was standing outside with us, as I tried to convince Gav that I should go with her. She had a scarf over her shoulders and smoked a cigarette arrogantly.
"Come on, dude!" I hissed. "Who lent you that twenty francs so you could get the stripper in Paris to wank you off? And who was the chump that had to stand at the alleyway in case the fuckin' Gendarmarie caught you fuckin' that drunk girl? Man, I'm tellin' ye, I'll be back at the hotel before the ferry! It's cool."
He rubbed his nose and glared at Polkadots. "Fine, whatever man. I'm not fuckin' waitin' on you though, so fuck her quick and get back."
"Two grunts and a squirt, I promise. No foreplay."
"As always," he winked.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Once Gav had headed off back to our hotel, Polkadots pushed me against a wall and kissed me deep. She tasted like tobacco and garlic, and clamped her hands against my crotch, squeezing against the reactions she was causing.
She hailed down a taxi and muttered an address to the driver - a moustachioed, sweaty ape of a man - which I didn't understand, and lit another cigarette. The drive was short, and Polkadots smoked salaciously, appraising me with her 'fuck-me' eyes, and slapping my hands playfully whenever they ventured towards her bare thigh, which she draped across my lap. The little tease.
When the taxi stopped, she left abruptly, leaving me to pay the fare. I had still to figure out how much the night with her was going to cost, but since we barely spoke one another's language, and she hadn't brought it up, I thought best to let it lie for the moment. I chased her into the hotel - a lower-rung establishment, which probably saw her type most nights - and followed her up the stairs to the room.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Now, I'm not one to kiss and tell...but Polkadots lived up to every expectation I'd had since my drunken eyes had clapped onto her podgy, impish frame. I had hoped she would be filthy; well, she was disgusting. She drowned my groin in saliva, rubbed her pink-nippled, swollen titties all over me, slapped my stiff cock against her face and fanny, and moaned like a demented whore whenever I touched her. She sat on my face, fingered my ass and squirted in my mouth, before deep-throating me. She gargled and blew bubbles when I finally exploded on her face, in a thrilling and exhausting denouement.
After such an experience, there was no chance I was going back to the hotel and Gav. I fumbled with my watch to set an alarm for 7am, and collapsed with fatigue before Polkadots had even cleaned her face up.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
When I woke up, she was gone. For a second I rolled over in bed, desperately tired, but sat up in horror when I realised where I was.
The room was empty, save for the bedsheets, which were twisted around my legs. There was no sign of Polkadots. My cock was sticky and ached, and my chin-hair was matted with her scent. Shit, what time was it? Did I pay that hooker or not?
The bedside table was clear. My watch was gone.
My clothes, which had been thrown off in such passion, were missing. My wallet had been in my trouser pocket.
My shoes were gone. The thieving bastard had stolen everything.
The bitch hadn't even left my underwear.
"Oh fuck!" I yelled, leaping out of bed. My head pounded with a fury, and my stomach cramped up. Fucking French lager.
I looked out the window. It was daylight, and I had no idea where I was. Calais isn't a huge town, but I couldn't see the water, and I had no idea where it lay. I cursed Polkadots, the scheming little fuck. For a moment I blamed myself: I should've paid her up front, as soon as we were in the taxi. I shouldn't have passed out with all my stuff lying about. Such thoughts were, of course, hopeless. I was stuck in this room with no clothes, no phone, and not a clue where I was.
I quickly realised that I had to get out of this hotel (I had no money to pay for the room), jump in a taxi and hope I wasn't too late for the ferry. I wrapped one of the sheets from the bed around my waist, looking around unsuccessfully for anything that hadn't been pinched.
My stomach grumbled a low, warning belch. It gave me an awesome idea.
I couldn't let Polkadots get away with this. I couldn't let the bloody French get away with this crime, in fact. I pulled a sheet tightly over the mattress, squatted on the bed, and relaxed my stomach.
Beer turns shit into a weird colour. I didn't even have to push, and smooth, yellow matter slipped out, coiling itself neatly on the bed. The smell was horrendous, and I pissed on the mattress like a camel, soaking it through. Once the first log was out, I farted; loud, long and satisfying. Then came the beer squirts. Like a machine-gun, I began spraying the bed with a neat drizzle of stinking hot shit. I strained hard, gripping my knees for support, and moaned with the pressure of it. I could hear the splatter and the squelches, and my nostrils were filled with the warm perfume. It smelled like a baby's diarrhoea.
I wiped my tender hole on a corner of the desecrated sheet, and with one fluid motion, threw it onto the wall. It stuck at first, then slipped silently. I peeled it off and rubbed it on the window. I was in such a blind rage that I rubbed the putrid, jaundiced crap over almost every surface in the room.
Appeased, I wrapped a clean sheet around myself, toga-style, and spat on the floor in disgust before I left.
My heart jumped as I heard a key in the door. I stood frozen to the spot as it swung open quietly.
At first, nobody entered. Then, a shapely thigh appeared, under a polkadot dress.
My shirt and trousers were neatly pressed and folded over her arm. My shoes were polished up, shining proudly.
My wallet and my watch were on the breakfast tray the porter carried, along with a plate of warm croissants and jam. It was only 6.30am. Polkadots still had spunk in her hair, and with a sweet smile she sang "Bon matin!"
Merde.
User Reviews
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 10:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-03-14 05:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhaahhhaa
Submitted by MikeRoch (user info) at 2008-03-03 19:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
round of a fucking plause
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-03 13:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i see........
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-03-01 16:42:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Incroyable!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-01 11:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:13:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oui
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beer turns shit into a weird colour. I didn't even have to push, and smooth, yellow matter slipped out, coiling itself neatly on the bed. The smell was horrendous, and I pissed on the mattress like a camel, soaking it through. Once the first log was out, I farted; loud, long and satisfying. Then came the beer squirts. Like a machine-gun, I began spraying the bed with a neat drizzle of stinking hot shit. I strained hard, gripping my knees for support, and moaned with the pressure of it. I could hear the splatter and the squelches, and my nostrils were filled with the warm perfume. It smelled like a baby's diarrhoea.
I wiped my tender hole on a corner of the desecrated sheet, and with one fluid motion, threw it onto the wall. It stuck at first, then slipped silently. I peeled it off and rubbed it on the window. I was in such a blind rage that I rubbed the putrid, jaundiced crap over almost every surface in the room.
===
LOL! époustoufflant!
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2008-02-29 15:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SACRE' BREU!
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-02-29 15:06:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHHAAHA!
whatta bastard!
priceless.
fookin hell
christ....
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2008-02-29 14:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear God!
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-02-29 14:05:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
La douce France.
But!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-02-29 13:56:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tres bien!
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2008-02-29 13:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because.... It's actually rather good !!
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-29 13:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this too.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114275
but I noticed you used the kiss and tell line in both.
also,I see a pattern here, you must have a relationship that ended badly you're still working through.
but keep writing stuff.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not my kind preferred stuff but well done
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:11:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU LOWERED MY SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You beast!!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am at the point where they just got to the hotel.
I want to go on record that I think there is transvestitism afoot.
back to the story......
=================================================================
Transvestites? Euw...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sicerely hope those asking for subtitles are joking.
And I think you are one of the best nOObs around at the moment. :)
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
totaly did not see that coming.
bravo.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am at the point where they just got to the hotel.
I want to go on record that I think there is transvestitism afoot.
back to the story......
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-02-29 16:50:38 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more subtitles.
==========================
I thought they would look clumsy. Anyway, if I had added translations then someone would no doubt have berated me with 'we can understand simple French you rapist' etc.
C'est la vie
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Needs more subtitles.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BWUAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BlazinBull (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Quite enjoyed this.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:01:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha, excellent. Didn't see the ending coming.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:59:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by deathmobile (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:44:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I understood.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:20:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck that made me laugh. reminds me of a french 'Lady' i met once. Not really a conversationalist.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sacre bleu!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to spoil a run, Ltap! zut alors!
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Although it could have been better if you had said in brackets what the french meant, though, for us non-french-speakers.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:15:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely excruciating. A wonderful job, and a great story.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hormonal below
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:15:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh well. I said, you dirty fuck. I suspect elements of this are true. Nice 'job'.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:13:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I JUST RATED THIS WHERE HAS MY RATING AND MESSAGE GONE??
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-02-29 10:12:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment