Aren't you an Adorable Little Abomination? (765 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.54 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ilikesteak (View user info) at 2008-02-29 11:54:10 EST
We here at HomeCo. Animal Industries, would like to thank you all for coming to our annual company demonstrations tour. We hold these in order to educate the public on what we do here, and to promote public welfare.
We keep the entire area sterile white, because the soothing color seems nice, and the scientific connotations lead the public to believe that our scientists are well qualified to work here. The walls, floor tiles, ceiling, fixtures, and lab coats are all color coordinated. We do appreciate contrast, so the grass is always kept a lush green, despite the fact we don't let anyone outside the tour area see it.
On your left, you'll see our design team, responsible for coming up with our latest and greatest innovations in custom household pets, trapped behind a glass wall for public viewing. There are holes at the top so they can breathe, and some lettuce so they don't starve.
We're coming up on the customer satisfaction centre, made up of three seperate sections, grouped together. In it contains the service desk, complaint department, and sterilization area.
The service desk is open to the public, where you'll recieve your outdated map, confusing directions to a bathroom which doesn't exist, and the emergency detonation code to the second to last lamp post in the tour.
Our complaints are only taken in written letter form, where we carefully read each one, and subsequently burn each letter. Often, during the busy season, we skip the reading process and go straight to a collective burn. The fires of which are great enough to power this entire facility, and most of the major surrounding cities. We could tell you to just not send the letters, but we're a company that cares about what our customers think. There can't be anything wrong if the complaints don't exist any more, so we like to do what we can to maintain our 100% customer satisfaction rating.
Finally, in the satisfaction centre, is the sterilization area. Cleanliness comes at a price.
Now, as you may all be wondering, we do have a process for custom ordering your own pet, so you can have a more unique pet, better suited to your individual needs. We don't advertize this, nor do people actually get through the entire process, most of which we deemed needless, but kept in for the entertainment puropses of our beaurocratic bureau of beaurocrats.
Our reasoning behind this overly complicated process is based in our history. It all started with our founder, who was working on a cure for disease and sickness. Nothing in specific, as he wanted to cure everything at once and just get it out of the way, but just specific enough to get into a supersoldier program to acquire the funding. While he was working with weapons grade aluminum, he discovered that he could manipulate biology in a new way, more benificial than making weapons that look really cool and make awesome explosions that'd have totally made the enemy shit their pants at how much better our stuff is. He made them a baloon system, that when tied to the wrist of soldiers, would allow them to identify each other, and kept the real reasearch for himself.
He ended up making a pet that will create no waste, is immune to disease, nearly unbreakable, will protect the owner from the ravages of Oprah's army, and best of all, is fucking adorable.
Now, you may be wondering how this all ties into our custom process. Our usual answer to all of this is "Fuck you, thinking you're better than me. I'm a scientist! I have this fancy lab coat and glasses to prove it. You can take your asshole ideas to a convention of people who like to hear good and legitimate ideas."
Now, we're at the end of the tour, so please be sure to stop at the gift shop and pick up some of our merchandise, so you can have a nice memory of the trip before we erase your minds and harvest your organs in order to continue making our fine products. We'll even give you the first offer to buy your organ back in pet form. If you have any problems with this, please write to our complaint department, and do be sure to read the waiver contracts a little better next time.
Thank you, and have a wonderful day.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-03 13:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT REMINDS ME!!! YES!! DO IT!! Anything. I am interested in a very broad range of music and will have a go at anything. I like bluesy chords but anything really. Sorry, i thought i had said. Very cool idea.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-01 04:22:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like ur title
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No. That was a joke. But the rest is true. Really. Sad really.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:49:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.mikesguitarsite.co.uk/tabs/
doesn't work.
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Aww...
It used to be spot on with blues songs (that's what I used it for primarily) that are so hard to find good, accurate tab for. I'm going to check the internet archive website to see if they have anything left on it. It was my favorite.
Now that it's decided that I'll be trying to give a few lessons, is there anything specific you want to learn, or something more general that you wouldn't mind?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nah, he be gone. Joined writing.com with KK. hehe. Shit, you guys beat him down every day then act all surprised when he splits?
He proved his abilitiy using EkO in Ubertines, he just thought that was a good time to quit. Sure he will be back at some point... No one leaves Uber alive.
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Cut the shit, blue eyes. Sico wouldn't last ten seconds on Writing.com.
I know. I'm there.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nah, he be gone. Joined writing.com with KK. hehe. Shit, you guys beat him down every day then act all surprised when he splits?
He proved his abilitiy using EkO in Ubertines, he just thought that was a good time to quit. Sure he will be back at some point... No one leaves Uber alive.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:38:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 16:56:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115217
Bubba, read the comments here. He has gone :( :( :(
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Yeah, and Snoop Dogg doesn't smoke dope anymore either.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.mikesguitarsite.co.uk/tabs/
doesn't work.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr Steak, for sure, do it, please.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:05:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I recently managed http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/tabs/p/pulp/babies_crd.htm
Which sites do you use?
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http://www.freelicks.net/
http://www.rukind.org/
http://www.youtube.com/
http://www.mikesguitarsite.co.uk/tabs/
http://www.riff-o-matic.com/riff-a-day/index.htm
http://www.guitartabbooks.com/freelessons/surfguitar.htm
Those are a few. I also play along with episodes of Soul Train.
So, should I do the youtube lesson thing for a little while?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 18:00:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh? What? I never posted under sico. What?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bub, it is true!! He got fed up with stuff. Trust me, gone. Shame, he was actually a pretty cool guy. I do not lie!
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Nor do you post any longer under the moniker of Sicosemen. . .
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bub, it is true!! He got fed up with stuff. Trust me, gone. Shame, he was actually a pretty cool guy. I do not lie!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:34:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 title
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:34:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So essentially, not banned, just left.
Hey, I am really heating up this post. I ought to rent myself out as a heat whore, anyone wanna be my pimp?!
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Bullshit
Cowshit
Dogshit
Ratshit
Kiss my ass and all of that shit
Heat whores don't leave for no real reason
Don't lie to me; thatz like treason
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heat heat heat... :)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So essentially, not banned, just left.
Hey, I am really heating up this post. I ought to rent myself out as a heat whore, anyone wanna be my pimp?!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bubba, the conversation between myself, scourge, muddy then crystle refers to sico leaving, link to his end comment on another post http://www.ubersite.com/m/109629#2656526
I can't believe he went so quietly.. Though he may be back briefly to post some oddball emails I received from a well known Uberer. I haven't decided.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 16:56:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115217
Bubba, read the comments here. He has gone :( :( :(
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He didn't comment. So you're saying he was banned.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I recently managed http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/tabs/p/pulp/babies_crd.htm
Which sites do you use?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 17:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr Steak, I do not recall discussing guitar with you or my tragic inability to play, despite attempting to play with sincerest of effort. I am currently working on this
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/tabs/m/maximo_park/books_from_boxes_acoustic_tab.htm
I think it is a bit above my level. I look hot with my guitar though (eat your heart out Meeley) which is great consolation. WhenI lokk in the mirror, alone in my bedroom...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 16:56:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115217
Bubba, read the comments here. He has gone :( :( :(
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-02-29 16:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Steak, I know I pledged +2s for life but I simply can't keep up. You post as often as sico, God rest his soul.
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What happened to Sico? ANSWER ME,GODDAMNIT!!!!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-29 14:38:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Yes I is.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-29 14:35:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 13:07:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114059
And I read every post, mostly they would get a +2 anyway. Mostly.
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I could teach you some guitar if you'd like. I'll get on the Youtube and put up a video or two.
Anything you'd like to learn specifically, or something in general?
The only things I can't quite do yet are country music, and "shred" music, the former because I'm not a huge fan of the genera, and the other, because I don't have the technique down yet.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-02-29 13:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-02-29 13:09:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish they could make my butt into a donkey :(
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 13:07:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114059
And I read every post, mostly they would get a +2 anyway. Mostly.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-02-29 13:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
intillectual you do that to fuck with people.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:55:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Steak, I know I pledged +2s for life but I simply can't keep up. You post as often as sico, God rest his soul.
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I never remembered seeing that pledge, but I do love that it's apparently there. It's not something I asked for, but it is nice to see. You've already established the goal, and that's more than enough.
I post often, yes, but when I do, the odds are good that there'll be content and quality. I'm about to watch that last sentence get shot down in flames, and I'm not about to offer my usual "overly creative and presumptuous defence by calling it intillectual or artistic" defence.
:)
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:12:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Steak, I know I pledged +2s for life but I simply can't keep up. You post as often as sico, God rest his soul.
Submitted by blonde (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I giggled.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't read it, but it looked boring.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-02-29 12:00:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on my
side.
-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror II
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-29 11:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
:)