Swing back at the darkness... (548 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.33 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ? (View user info) at 2008-02-29 22:51:53 EST
It was dark.
Cold, damp, dreary, and every flicker of light was gray.
I couldn't succumb to my whims or my wills because I was so deep in the darkness.
I was waiting for someone to save me. I was longing for my superman, batman, even Spiderman would suffice.
But I was like a child a poor child waiting for Santa on Christmas wishing for fairy tales.
I had given so much to so many others. I was waiting for many of the slew of friends I thought I had to come and save me. Ask me if something was ok.
No one asked.
They didn't realize how to approach someone who had been so strong and who they had looked up to.
That's the problem with being a leader. Only you can save yourself. No one is there to give you strength because you are the source of all theirs.
So I felt that I sat through the last 7 months in a drunken haze. Trying to find my sanity in the booze that had given me so much joy. That had also given me so much pleasure.
It's surreal drinking with nothing to toast to. It doesn't have the same aura. It doesn't have the same feel. A bit off like stale bread. It's still bread but the taste, softness has withered away with the bacteria.
So I drank on waiting for one of my friends I made out here to ask me what the matter was.
I just wanted someone to show concern. Instead they showed me nothing. I would tell the story's or wisely walk around words to spark up a conversation. But no one understood.
Or else even cared....
No, of course they cared. My life has always been looking out for others. I have felt since I did not have a dad through my formative years, I would create my own little families with friends and I would be the "Dad" so to speak in my group of friends.
My nickname is "Poppa" or whenever I bitch at my friends for smoking weed, drinking, cigarettes or anything they role their eyes and say "Ok, dad".
It's a joke amongst us.
So I awoke today in a stupor. I looked in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw.
I had lost about 30pds in the last 7 months. I went from being known as the "Pretty boy Perkman" to a skinny unshaven mess.
I looked at my face and I saw the curled stubble and horrendous haircut and the clothes. I thought that I had, and have looked like shit for a while now.
I claimed I didn't care. But it got to me. I hadn't been living up to my expectations of my friends, or my coaches or my family. But most importantly to myself.
I was always the one to push everyone forward. A friend of mine once said.
"Perkman we just want you to do something, you always want everyone else to do well why not yourself?"
The comment startled me. It made me gasp a bit at my life and have reflection. I always try to help people out. But at the cost of myself. I can help everyone but I can't seem to help myself.
So when I walked into our garage a beaten down boy, a young man. I looked over in the corner and I saw it.
I saw my Mizuno bat. It was perfect and clean. I hadn't touched a ball, or else even tried to play baseball in about 7 months after my knee injury.
Fear, panic, and doubt hit me. What had happened to the man who could accomplish anything? Who had the great goals of great D-1 schools?
I thought about if I could walk away and no one question. But I would always question myself.
I walked up to bat and I hesitated when I touched it.
The weight was a bit off. Probably, because I lost so much weight.
I looked in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw.
I was from class, breed of a good stalk of athletes. Doubt shouldn't matter to me.
I took a few cuts, and tears came down my eyes. Could I do this?
A coach called for me last week and began to talk to me about walking on.
A walk-on? From being scouted to being a walk-on?
I thought about my dreams of the pro's and how I knew if I played again it would not be that easy. Or even that on the mark.
I just sat there and thought about myself.
I thought about myself for once. I didn't understand how to be selfish. I truly honestly mean this.
Coming from a family of 6 with one parent we had to share everything after my father passed. We still do it till this day.
I was raised to care. But caring about others sometimes costs you, your own dreams it seems.
I made a pledge to myself as I sat in the mirror with my bat. My most trusted friend at this point. I looked at the halos under my eyes and decided to fight.
I took a few cuts, and cut away some fear, doubt and despair.
I start training tomorrow.
Try outs are in 4 months.
Wish me luck.
User Reviews
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-03-05 15:52:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One question...
Why do you have a mirror in your garage?
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-03 17:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck man.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-03-03 08:23:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Start proof-reading. At least then I might be able to get through one of your posts without feeling like I've been mind fucked.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-03-03 05:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It'll all end badly. Whether or not you make any money or fame for yourself, it'll end badly because you are a collossal douchebag.
This is not a joke, I am not joking. You are terrible.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-02 21:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2BUBBA
Don't e-mail him, Perk.
He's using grammar to lure you into a sexual liason.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-02 19:25:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-29 23:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2008-02-29 22:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, tell me how worthless I am, how many errors are in this and that you hate me.
But this is really what I went through and feel like. If honest feelings are insane here, if they have no merit. Then writing would be stale and fake, without emotion.
So have at me.
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If you want to slow down the pace of people giving you shit for how you write, instead of what you write, why not use spell and grammar check. Firefox has it, and so does Word. Have somebody proof read it if you have to. Just don't keep making the same mistakes.
We know what you feel like, and what it felt like. Because you keep telling us over and over. We get it. You can stop now.
Try writing unrelated fiction. You can do it without feeling "stale and fake" while still including plenty of "emotion." Then again, nobody is looking for the writer's emotion when they're reading.
It's never a good idea to let people know that you're an easy target, perky. Give them an opporotunity to yell, and they will. Asking them only makes you a bigger target. How have you not learned this by now?
===============
I'll regret this for the rest of my life: PerkMan, the SteakMan speaketh the truth. My email is all over this site, but just in case--- ardhow2004.at.yahoo.com
I can fix your spelling/grammatical errors. Maybe a few issues of style, as well. It's up to you.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-02 07:27:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you and fuck your spaces between each line. What's with that? It won't make the post any longer, you know. Also, you're pathetic.
Submitted by bigjeegro (user info) at 2008-03-01 23:34:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-03-01 20:48:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I would only qualify you as a writer insomuch as I would qualify a retarded five year old eating his own snot and toenails as a master chef. Never once have you had anything original or useful to say, and never once have I come across anything in your writing resembling a deep thought, or even sentience. You are an avatar of the incompetent, illiterate, self-absorbant, and overall ignoranct and useless state of America's youth, and, as a zeitgheist, it's your fault that our economy is in the state it's in. I hope that our country is able to civilize itself in time, and that you, and all of your alter friends, are press-ganged into the navy and taken somewhere far away where you may fall of a mast in a drunken frat boy stupor without the American media ever learning about it or, for that matter, caring.
You will never cultivate any useful skills or achieve anything useful. The most productive thing you can do at this point involves a 45mm pistol and your right temple.
This...
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-03-01 20:48:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I would only qualify you as a writer insomuch as I would qualify a retarded five year old eating his own snot and toenails as a master chef. Never once have you had anything original or useful to say, and never once have I come across anything in your writing resembling a deep thought, or even sentience. You are an avatar of the incompetent, illiterate, self-absorbant, and overall ignoranct and useless state of America's youth, and, as a zeitgheist, it's your fault that our economy is in the state it's in. I hope that our country is able to civilize itself in time, and that you, and all of your alter friends, are press-ganged into the navy and taken somewhere far away where you may fall of a mast in a drunken frat boy stupor without the American media ever learning about it or, for that matter, caring.
You will never cultivate any useful skills or achieve anything useful. The most productive thing you can do at this point involves a 45mm pistol and your right temple.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2008-03-01 16:56:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-01 13:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-03-01 03:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-01 02:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
um, i can relate to this. i was prepared to play baseball in college, then i got cut senior year of high school because my grades sucked. then i got a swimming scholarship, and you can refer to the quote regarding this subject in my latest post.
basically, i went to school for swimming, and when i talked to the baseball coach, he told me that he didnt want any two sport athletes, especially any swimmers, because the seasons overlap FOR TWO FUCKING WEEKS. he told me not to bother trying out. fucking faggot, his third baseman was the worst in the conference. the dude hit something like .180. but no, he didnt want any swimmers. fucking retard.
no im not still bitter.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-03-01 01:49:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
good luck with the fucking tryouts you stupid sack of shit.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-03-01 01:47:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
CAN I SWING BACK?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-03-01 01:43:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
sorry, it sucked. I really tried to read it, but that got me nowhere.
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2008-02-29 23:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ilikesteak- haha with the medical comment. Honestly I'm a pretty bright guy. I just act like an idiot on uber so I can release myself and not feel like I have to be this intelligent person.
I almost got into Stanford. They were recruiting this old boy Perkman for a while.
I have a problem with dead weight which is true. I put effort into the wrong people and those that I should put effort into by the time I realize how important to me they are they are gone.
My bestfriends and my family do put a duty on me. I hate it but it is my duty. I don't care how much I suffer. I have to live up to the expectations of my family name. I may bitch about some of the shit. But it is an ode to my father.
My shitty uncles and my dads family hosed my mom pretty bad and they all assumed we would be drug addicts and all this bullshit because my dad was dead and my mom was trash. But my mom so far has raised a Dr., and 3 college graduates, and also another son in college and then me. I owe it to her to make it to the Stanfords, or Cals, or USC's. It means a lot to her and I can give her that.
Drinking isn't a problem. It was for a couple months then I quit like that. So I'm just mulling over life.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-29 23:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2008-02-29 23:17:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ilikesteak- You're probably right. I had a feeling today, One of my bestfriends for the last 3 years is moving out and away from us. Not for school. Just for the fact he wants his "space". To me it didn't make sense. In about 4 months we are all going to move away and proabably never see eachother again.
I didn't understand why he would just leave. He just didn't give a fuck. He got what he wanted from our group. He got his "girlfriend"( His first ever, through us) and that's all he wanted. We were his friends for show.
Then I thought about it and no one here would stay for me. So why am I going to stay around here?
Playing baseball is something I feel I have to do only because I was highly recruited talent for a good while. With calls from scouts, and great schools. I don't know if I'm going to play anymore but I want to be in good enough shape to play if I wanted to.
I miss the handsome kid, with the polo and khaki shorts on. I miss feeling strong, and buff. I love drinking dont get me wrong.
But I want to drink for celebrations now. Not just for the sake of drinking. I have to get cleaned up.
If I'm working towards something I will. Oh, yeah Ilikesteak. I'm doing ok with school to. My major is Bio and a minor in Philosophy. I have a 3.35GPA and I also am Part of The honors program at my school and the Deans list.
My mommy would never let me fuck up my school.
It's either medical or law. I'm going to choose in the next 4-5 months before I transfer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems you've already chosen medical. From reading what you've put up here, I feel sorry for the medical system, but I don't know you personally, so for all I know you could be the next surgeon general in disguise. Your grades aren't nessisarily representative of your learning or ability.
Anabuse. Get on it immediatley. Getting "cleaned up" can be done through force of will, but Alcoholics Anonymous can't hurt either.
You can still enjoy baseball, and still play baseball, but why must you do it out of a sense of duty to self? At what point did it stop being baseball, and start being another expectation to live up to? It's just a game.
Dropping dead weight seems to be a problem for you. I'd get over it quickly. I's like a medical adhesive strip (Band-Aid), in that the slower you take it off, the more it hurts.
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2008-02-29 23:23:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Linus- I write because I just love to. It's like telling your life story to someone who doesn't know you and they give you and honest answer. You see how others live. I'm more for memoirs of peoples lives than fiction.
I feel you can't write something eloquently if you haven't live it, or else felt the emotion behind it.
Sometimes when you write you can make the story or life a happy ending. But in real life you cannot.
I love being able to write about people I want to remember and writing about them in the emotion I felt when i knew them. Its like looking back at a time machine and seeing how far you have grown as a person.
What is a picture without words? you can look at a picture and remember it. But it won't be the same. When I write about the event I get a perfect feel to the aura that sorrounded it and also how it felt.
I write because I enjoy it. I wish to write screenplays when I get older. But to keep it to "realistic fiction" about people of my generation and our trials and tribulations.
How we speak, talk, and converse. Also what our attitudes on situations are. Our experiences and also our nonchalantness to the world at hand.
My generation was "babied" now we are realizing that we can't be what was promised us.
Not everyone will be a "movie star", "rich" or else a pro at anything. We are just cattle.
I write to convey and portray that and to also show my emotion and my life going through it as I am living.
That is why I am just behooved to write. Because there is too much to not write about.
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2008-02-29 23:17:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ilikesteak- You're probably right. I had a feeling today, One of my bestfriends for the last 3 years is moving out and away from us. Not for school. Just for the fact he wants his "space". To me it didn't make sense. In about 4 months we are all going to move away and proabably never see eachother again.
I didn't understand why he would just leave. He just didn't give a fuck. He got what he wanted from our group. He got his "girlfriend"( His first ever, through us) and that's all he wanted. We were his friends for show.
Then I thought about it and no one here would stay for me. So why am I going to stay around here?
Playing baseball is something I feel I have to do only because I was highly recruited talent for a good while. With calls from scouts, and great schools. I don't know if I'm going to play anymore but I want to be in good enough shape to play if I wanted to.
I miss the handsome kid, with the polo and khaki shorts on. I miss feeling strong, and buff. I love drinking dont get me wrong.
But I want to drink for celebrations now. Not just for the sake of drinking. I have to get cleaned up.
If I'm working towards something I will. Oh, yeah Ilikesteak. I'm doing ok with school to. My major is Bio and a minor in Philosophy. I have a 3.35GPA and I also am Part of The honors program at my school and the Deans list.
My mommy would never let me fuck up my school.
It's either medical or law. I'm going to choose in the next 4-5 months before I transfer.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-29 23:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2008-02-29 22:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, tell me how worthless I am, how many errors are in this and that you hate me.
But this is really what I went through and feel like. If honest feelings are insane here, if they have no merit. Then writing would be stale and fake, without emotion.
So have at me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to slow down the pace of people giving you shit for how you write, instead of what you write, why not use spell and grammar check. Firefox has it, and so does Word. Have somebody proof read it if you have to. Just don't keep making the same mistakes.
We know what you feel like, and what it felt like. Because you keep telling us over and over. We get it. You can stop now.
Try writing unrelated fiction. You can do it without feeling "stale and fake" while still including plenty of "emotion." Then again, nobody is looking for the writer's emotion when they're reading.
It's never a good idea to let people know that you're an easy target, perky. Give them an opporotunity to yell, and they will. Asking them only makes you a bigger target. How have you not learned this by now?
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-02-29 23:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do you write?
(+2 stays, if I get an answer.)
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-02-29 23:05:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do you not listen to me?
That bat will not save you. To them, you are a horse with a broken leg. They no longer need or want you. It's nice that you're getting what you think is a second chance at this, but I'd pass it up. They aren't trying to do you any favors by doing this.
You need to study something and become good at it. You will not get a second chance at this. Take what you can, while you can. Life is now about you. Drop the friends, for now. You can get them later, but right now, they'll weigh you down, and if you fall behind, they won't come back to get you.
When have I ever been wrong?
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2008-02-29 22:57:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, tell me how worthless I am, how many errors are in this and that you hate me.
But this is really what I went through and feel like. If honest feelings are insane here, if they have no merit. Then writing would be stale and fake, without emotion.
So have at me.