My first date (888 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Monkeyswithguns (View user info) at 2008-03-03 14:01:00 EST
The first date I ever had was with myself. It began when I noticed how beautiful I was, and how much I loved me.
I had tried getting a date with myself before, but I got rejected because I thought I was too...... odd, and my parents certainly wouldn't approve.
I tried again and again, and finally I got a date.
I started off by taking myself to Burger King. True, it's a poor place for a first date, but I worked with me at Wal-Mart, so I knew that I didn't make much money, so I pretended that it was special, because it was with me. I know they say dating a co-worker creates problems, but I thought I was different, and it wouldn't affect me like it has so many others.
After our "meal" I drove around with me, myself sitting in the seat next to mine, it felt so great to be out in the fresh air of spring, without a care in the world, with the one person I felt I could love like no other.
We decided to go and catch a movie, and I got to put arm around me, which was a task in itself. The movie was ok, we had come to see Independance Day, but the tickets were sold out (which I thought strange,) so I decided to go and see Jerry Maguire instead. It was ok, but some yahoo in the back kept yelling at me for talking to myself during the film. What kind of jerk interrupts a date like that? So I did what any man would do, I got up, and walked toward him, and even though my date was telling me "Stop! He's just being an asshole!", I couldn't just let it go. When I got up to him though, I could see he was shaking, so I just let loose a laugh, which seemed to scare him even more. I decided I didn't want to piss myself off on our first date, so I let it go. What a jerk.
We pulled into the park overlooking the river, and I thought, now the time is right, and considered how I would put the moves on myself. Little did I know that I was thinking the same thing.
It started out with some foreplay, nothing too serious, just some fondling, some heavy petting and whatnot.
I decided it would be best to just take a quick breath, and go for it, and so I made the first move, plunging my hand into my pants. I ended up getting laid, but it was like I was by myself, and I wasn't putting enough into it for myself. So the next time I had a date, I just ended up going home early and masturbating instead.
Why spend money on a date for such a disappointment?
It ended up that I moved away from myself, and lost touch with that "special" person. I would regret it, but I ended up getting married to someone great, who can accept me for me, and is great in the sack!
Plus, people don't stare when WE go out, which is a HUGE bonus.
User Reviews
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-03-30 11:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ugh, I saw a homeless guy jerkin' it this morning, and it wasn't the first time, either.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-30 09:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just in case I forgot to +2 this...
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-03-30 07:35:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tjhom (user info) at 2008-03-30 06:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
freaking hilarious
however, surely you've thought about how awesome it would be if you ran into yourself properly one day.
Although you'd probably just get into a fight and then mutually masturbate with your eyes closed.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-04 17:06:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahA
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-03-04 16:49:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Narcissism
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-03-04 16:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like this was you latest date, too. Not bad, though.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-03-04 09:37:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
at least you didn't slip yourself a roofie, then how would you drive home?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-03-04 09:13:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-04 05:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha I needed that
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-03 19:14:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-03-03 15:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I KILL ME I REALLY DO!
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Hope spring eternal.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-03 17:22:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-03 16:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-03 16:23:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-03-03 16:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was beautiful. Like Terms of Endearment, only with more masturbation. Much, much more.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-03 16:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-03 16:05:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.
DEES EES FUNNY STUFFS.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-03 15:33:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA...I was hoping you'd post this. Great transition from e-mail to story.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2008-03-03 15:06:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-03-03 15:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what was his name?
BA...DUM....TISH!
I KILL ME I REALLY DO!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-03-03 15:03:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I ended up getting laid, but it was like I was by myself
===
So, it was like an average 2-person date, then.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-03-03 19:42:17 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
or will people question your reasons for going back in time only to have sex with yourself, and further proclaim you a homo?
please advise!!
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Not if your sexy....
I'd bang myself in the past, I looked great, and still do.
The real question- Would it be considered masturbation?
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yes- you know like when people say " go fuck yourself"
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:44:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great writing concept!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
or will people question your reasons for going back in time only to have sex with yourself, and further proclaim you a homo?
please advise!!
----------------------------------
Not if your sexy....
I'd bang myself in the past, I looked great, and still do.
The real question- Would it be considered masturbation?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha freak
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
or will people question your reasons for going back in time only to have sex with yourself, and further proclaim you a homo?
please advise!!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:38:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and if it is gay, would it be overlooked because of how badass you are for inventing time travel?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:35:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you go back in time and have sex with yourself, is that gay?
Submitted by LegoSockPuppet (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
masturbation
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-03-03 14:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.