From Eternity to Here. (606 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2008-03-04 06:34:45 EST
"Hi and Welcome. We hope you enjoy your eternity with us. Name please?"
"Um hi. I'm sorry but where am I exactly?"
"Oh dear. You mean you don't know? Were you asleep when it happened? I'm sorry I'm kind of new so I'm still getting my greeting sorted."
"That's nice. Where am I?"
"Well this is Hell sir."
"You mean I'm dead! Oh shit no way this isn't right at all. I'm young and healthy I shouldn't be dead."
"Sorry sir but if you're here then you're very much dead. I don't deal with 'timing' you will need to speak to the clerks about that. I just greet and book you in. So, your name please?"
"I'm John, John Williams. So this is Hell? Why am I in Hell? I was good. Okay so I didn't go to church all that much but I didn't kill anyone or hurt anyone. I was always nice and..."
"Yeah that's lovely Sir, but you will need to speak to the Placement office about that, not that it makes much difference anymore. Could you confirm your address for me please?"
"I...um....well my address is 29 Spinewood Road, Avon Park, Bristol."
"Hmm?? Well bugger me."
"What?"
"Oh nothing. Could you confirm your date of birth for me please?"
"It's 27th March 1976."
"Okaaaay. Hmmm? We had this new system put in a few weeks ago and we are still having a few 'issues' with it. Bear with me a moment please."
--
Clang
"What the ....? Can a daemon not get a few moments to himself? Christ. This place is going to hell. All I wanted was a few moments to put my claws up and rest my tail with a nice hot cup of sulphur. Can I get it? No of course not because Human Resources think I need someone to help me around at the check in. Fucking useless imp it is too. Can't seem to go 5 minutes without ringing the god damned gong. Wouldn't be so bad but they had to go and take away my old gong and make it some electronic gong, lost all its tone."
Clang
"I'm coming you useless little cretin. Press that thing one more time and I will shove it so far down your bloody throat that you ....."
Clang Clang
"Right that's it."
--
"My supervisor will be with us in just a moment Mr Williams. Would you like a Boiled sweet?"
"No I wouldn't like a boiled sweet. I've just found out I'm dead, and not only dead but in fucking Hell. That last thing I| want is a fucking boiled sweet!"
"No need to swear Sir, just trying to be friendly."
"IMOLADA, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING DISTURBING ME WITH THE GONG? THIS HAD BETTER BE IMPORTANT OR I WILL FLAY YOU FOR 10 YEARS, TO HELL WITH THE NEW POLICIES."
"Sir I'm very sorry but we seem to have another problem with the system. Also Sir, if you don't mind me saying, it seems that you have forgotten to hide your horns and tail. You know the new regulations state that the guests shouldn't see them, it scares them. Also you called me Imolada, I know it's my name but management says it again causes unnecessary worry on the guests, please call me Im'O' as we discussed."
"Damn these new fucking regulations. Damn them all. Was a time when we were supposed to bloody well scare the human parasites. There was a reason this place was called Hell. Now look at it. Bloody soothing colours in the reception are. Light music playing in the background. The underworlds first Gay Daemon greeting them. Christ this place is going to the dogs."
"Yes Sir, if we could get back to the problem at hand?"
"What is it then Im'O'?"
"Well this here is Mr John Williams, trying to book in for his eternity here with us. Say hi John."
"Hi John."
"Uhh Hi."
"So where is the problem? Allocate him a cell, sorry, a 'Suite' and get one of the house Gremlins, sorry, Gremlies, to show him down. How hard is this to grasp exactly?
"Well the problem is Sir that John Williams isn't on the system."
"Oh? Well that is a bit odd. You checked his name?"
"Yes, and his date of birth. He just isn't there. I don't think he was due for quite sometime yet."
"Umm excuse me, but did you say that I'm not supposed to be here?"
"QUIET HUMAN! I mean please could you wait a moment Mr Williams. Right Im'O' check the address and see if anything comes up on that."
"Oh good idea. Yes here we go. Mr Samuel Walker number 27. Oh dear, looks like the system made a booboo."
"Dear god what am I dealing with? If it wasn't bad enough having to put up with all the new Politically Correct Nicey Nicey bullshit, because heaven forbid we actually give people a bad fucking time in hell anymore, I also have to put up with a fucking system that is buggered to all heaven. Right. Get him out of here and send for Hexx support then get the right person here right now."
"Yes Sir. I will. Right Mr Will..."
"I'm going back for a drink, and I don't want to be disturbed again, unless Armageddon happens to suddenly come early. YOU UNDERSTAND?"
"Yes Sir, completely. If you would like to follow me Mr Williams."
"Yes of course. So I get to go back then? It was a mistake?"
"Yes. New systems and everything just has a few glitches. I'm sure it will work itself out though. Sorry to cause you any inconvenience, I'm sure you understand what it's like. And don't mind old Grumpy over there he is just a little upset with all the changes. Some people just cannot accept progress, doesn't see why we cant keep torturing people for eternity. Doesn't see that it just isn't right."
"Yeah strange that. So Hell isn't...well Hell anymore?"
"Oh Gods no! How barbaric. Couldn't have that. God what kind of place do you think we are? I just couldn't work in a place like that, some of the stories of the old days, ewww. No not anymore. We understand that people need to be able to relax in their Eternity so we made some changes and spruced the place up. I think it's much nicer personally."
"Yes looks great."
"Right here we are. Okay you need to just go down that tunnel and you will be all sorted. Have a nice life, may see you again, depends if you come up in our allocation or them up stairs. Enjoy!"
"Bye then."
--
"Christ! Amy? Amy? Where are you? I had a bloody odd dream."
"I'm over here by the window John. Come have a look. Ambulances and everything are next door, looks like something has happened at the Walkers."
"Thank god for that!"
User Reviews
Submitted by cyberpenguin (user info) at 2008-03-05 01:10:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very original, I loved the premise. You really sold it too.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-04 16:49:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
quite good
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-03-04 16:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-04 16:36:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tastey
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-03-04 16:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Horrific!
I mean REALLY WTF is a boiled sweet??
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-04 11:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 outstanding
trade you.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114215
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-03-04 11:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are so, so British.
Luverly.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-04 11:02:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very entertaining. Can't wait to see what that prick Pepsicoke has to say about it.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2008-03-04 10:43:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very entertaining.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-04 10:29:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very original, very lovely, very awesome, worth more than +2.
:)
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-03-04 10:11:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-04 09:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-04 09:49:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-04 09:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bwahahaha
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-04 09:05:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think Emmission either drowned or went completely insane from drinking too much pool water. Either way I believe he is lying low until the 'Mistake' about the CPR incident on the 5 yr old boy dies down.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-04 09:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the docks still count or something like that. It is still a hanging offense, but seeing as I was only boarding to fetch my shoe, it wont see me strung up by the neck. It did not help that I was drunkenly singing about pirates when clambering noisely aboard.
The "ooooh arrrrrrrrgh me hearty" I gave the guard when he arrived got me stern looks form everyone involved.
Where's Emission these days and when is there going to be a Devon (get drunk and eat pasties) day?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-04 08:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ohh sounds cool. Could you be done for piracy? that would be excellent, I think the death penalty still stands for piracy. Or do you actually have to be at sea for the whole piracy thing, yeah I bet that would be it so all that would happen is a bog standard trespass or something. Boring.
Put on your fake leg and eye patch anyway. I will go turn on the news.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-04 08:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good call. Parsnip shavings are all kinds of yummy.
Bugger. I have to go and explain to the security guard that I wasn't trying to brake into the yacht next door last night, just that I was a drunken burk and kicked my shoes off in a carefree manner. Right on to thier yacht. I didn't know it would be alarmed when I drunkenly tried to retrive them.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-04 08:41:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lm- I dont eat crisps anymore due to my advancing years and the fear of damaging my few remaining teeth.
Actually I like the vegetable ones, you know the ones with beetroot and parsnip and stuff rather than just potato. Yummy!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-04 08:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a dream last night that these horrible pink and orange logos appeared everywhere. They sent you crazy and made everyone start attacking people. It all got very '28 days' later on me for a while. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't of sat up quite violently and skulled myself on the roof.
Big lump.
Jesus. I've nearly consumed a whole bag of Burts. Drogo, you must have sympathy for this, Devon crisps are the hardest,m meanest mother fuckers going. I think my gums are even bleeding.
Plus I feel sick.
Good post.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-03-04 08:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, tagged as 1-billion-shades-of-awesome.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-03-04 07:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-03-04 07:18:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-04 07:07:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was thinking Ian Richardson as the Daemon. His voice ruled
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-03-04 06:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 wasnt enough
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-03-04 06:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jolly good show.
i can see eric idle or mike palin as mr williams and john cleese as ImO.
dont know who would be right for the daemon.
excellent werk
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-04 06:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff. Its scary how these Simpsons quotes work out sometimes:
Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I
mean, isn't God everywhere?
-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Heretic