A Better Mousetrap (530 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by X54 (View user info) at 2008-03-04 21:48:42 EST
We lived this summer in a woodpile that was stacked against the back of a house in a clearing in the middle of the forest. Two cats lived in the house, but they rarely bothered us because they were well fed and our woodpile provided us ample protection. My father, my mother, my younger sisters Lynnette and Trinetta, and I--we were all safe there.
Most mornings, the fog would creep in with the dawn and coat everything in tiny water droplets. We would emerge from our woodpile before the cats came out of the house and lick the water from the leaves of a manzanita bush that grew nearby. The water tasted fresh and sweet, for the days were hot and dry and we were always very thirsty by the time the fog came.
A strange object smelling of water appeared one day next to our woodpile. It made Mother nervous. I leapt up onto it and found only a narrow ledge on which to balance. Deep inside this thing a pool of clear water beckoned. But Mother called me back down. It isn't safe, she said, although she couldn't explain why.
No fog came the next morning and we were reduced to chewing dusty manzanita leaves to quench our thirst. The smell of water from the thing by the woodpile grew ever more enticing. When Lynette didn't show up for dinner that evening, Mother knew. Father jumped up onto the thing to see for himself, but Mother knew. She cried and took Trinetta and me in her arms. I'd never seen her so distraught. My greatest fear, she sobbed, is that something will happen to you all and I'll be left alone. Trinetta cried and promised she wouldn't go near the thing. I promised too, but I didn't cry.
Trinetta asked me later what I'd seen inside the thing. I told her about the water, how clear and cool and delicious it looked. Trinetta was the youngest of us, Mother's favorite. Clear and cool and delicious, I said. I watched her later when she jumped up onto the thing and disappeared inside, listened to her splashing in its water, splishing, splashing less and less. When her splashing nearly ceased I ran to find Father and told him what had happened. He leapt up and dove in, determined, no doubt, to rescue his only surviving daughter. Splishing, splashing, less and less.
I retreated to my secret cubbyhole and waited. Soon Mother's worried voice came calling. My dear husband, she called, where are you? My children? Calling, calling, and I did not answer. I watched from my hiding place as she leapt up onto the thing. I heard her anguished cry as she looked down into it. Her greatest fear realized, she threw herself in with but a single splash.
Now I have the woodpile to myself. But still there's been no fog, and the water in that thing keeps calling me. Calling, calling.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-03-06 18:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-03-06 00:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And it needed to be longer.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-03-06 00:43:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Here, have a proper comment. Flattery will get you everywhere.
I like the idea but it was too obvious too soon.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-05 22:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Stagger Lee!" That's one of my favorite songs.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-03-05 22:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-05 19:36:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-05 15:58:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i mean shaVer
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-05 15:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beat_raven sharer below
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-05 15:49:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the name thing bothered me too but whatever. entertaining read.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-05 14:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-03-05 08:04:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-05 07:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good, but it didn't make me happy.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-05 05:44:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah sweet. Mousetracide. I agree with the name comments but I just changed them in my mind as I read it.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-03-05 04:07:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What Jack said...
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-05 01:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-04 23:57:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
creepy
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-04 23:22:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-04 22:25:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. Giving them those names didn't really work for me, but this wasn't bad at all. Keep at it.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-03-04 21:51:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fantastic photo