Somewhere between the plate thrower and the emotional cripple (724 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.48 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Paul Hibbert (View user info) at 2008-03-05 17:38:07 EST
I realised some things this evening as I drove quickly through the dark country lanes in my beat up car. First of all I concluded it has the acceleration of a damaged badger and really does need to be replaced this weekend.
I also came to the realisation that since the age of about 10 I've either been looking for a girlfriend or I've been in a long term relationship. At 10 years old I didn't know what sex was- so why was I so cut up when Laura Fearn kissed Dean Bernadini in the Primary school playground? I'll answer my own question seeing as there's no one here to answer it for me... Fucking 'Neighbours'; The Australian piece of crap soap opera.
Everyone from 10 to 30 had a partner of some description, admittedly the 10 year olds partner was a dog called "Bouncer". I digress... It ingrained into my fragile little mind that this was the meaning of life. If you didn't have a girlfriend then you were Screech from 'Saved by the Bell'; Television has cleverly ruined the last 16 years of my life.
I have been convinced that the point of existence is to procreate, and I have made the acquisition of a girlfriend the most important thing in my life. What a fucking idiot.
For one thing it's made me terrible with women. I once wrote an article to say that women are just people and to get a hobby. I wrote that whilst in a long term relationship and now that I'm single again I am struggling to follow my own advice.
Any attractive woman that takes an interest in me instantly becomes the love interest in Paul's answer to 'Neighbours'. I take the occasional step back and laugh at myself; I then re-compose myself and continue to pretend to be witty and charming. It's about 10 seconds later that I realise I'm being uncontrollably witty and charming in order to bag my next long term relationship.
Thankfully fate has intervened and I'm now struggling to find a woman that I find suitable. My ego has convinced me that there is no woman pretty, clever or interesting enough to live up to the fantasy where I live on Ramsay Street and drink tea in Harold's coffee bar.
I've drawn up the characteristics that a woman would need to be good enough for me and I don't even meet my own criteria. I'm neurotic, occasionally have nothing of interest to say, I'm a smoker and my face isn't 100% symmetrical. In all fairness no woman stands a chance because if you're the '9.5 on the scale' that you're going to need to be then I'll assume you're too good for me and turn into 'jibbering cunt Paul'.
I'm a lovely bloke, I think; I've never been abusive, unaccommodating or inattentive. I'm a loving, caring, open and honest guy that just seems to fall for the first pretty girl that takes an interest in me, and she's always bad news.
I've just got a little confused; somewhere between the plate thrower and the emotional cripple, something lurking in the back of my mind just decided I deserve better. If you're of the female persuasion and have recently started talking to me, then please don't take any of this to heart; I've either turned into 'jibbering cunt Paul' or I haven't measured you against the scale because I don't consider you viable.
The fact of the matter is, why am I measuring you against a scale that depicts whether you are a suitable partner in the first place? Shouldn't I give myself a little time before I get myself into yet another 'head over heels' situation anyway? Shouldn't I be vetting a little more carefully? I probably shouldn't be vetting at all. I'm supposed to be just having fun and living for me, but after 16 years of 'Neighbours' and 7 years of getting overly involved with lunatics it's not quite that simple.
So here I am; a semi-successful young man, a disposable income of about £800 a month, a decent set of mates, a good family, a hobby, a career and a projector instead of a TV. I am 100% free to do whatever the hell I like, whenever I want. Time to turn 'Neighbours' off methinks.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-03-06 18:31:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-03-06 18:31:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-03-06 18:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not attractive enough to impress you, but I can date-rape-drug you into insensibility so you won't care.
Buy a dog. Really, get yourself a dog. Or a cat. Something needy and adoring.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-06 16:12:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-05 21:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
dude, you sound like an arctic monkey's song.
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Ahahaha. Oh fuck. What did I write?
Bloody Codeine and alcohol. not a good mix
-P
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-03-06 10:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-03-06 09:24:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
indeed.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-06 08:49:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-03-06 07:35:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"First of all I concluded it has the acceleration of a damaged badger..."
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or 'all the power of belgium' - thank you Jeremy Clarkson.
Dear Pock Hibbert,
As a recently separated young fellow, circumstance has pushed you farther along the long row you now hoe than the preparedness it requires. You have been left - therefore, unprepared. As you hare past your vaguely recognisable chelonian emotions, and they're left in your wake eating your dust, they will think "wow why can't we be as devil-may-care and hellbent on a different end-result as that chap that we seem vaguely familiar with", and months later, possibly 12 maybe more, you will reach the finish line and think "motherfucker what are my stupid turtle emotions doing here...I ran so fast."
Somehow there is a moral to all this. Enjoy being pock, and the next girl will be a complete fucking accident. Here ends the lesson.
And of course your head's symmetrical, you've got a mohawk, it's like a fucking equator. If I could plus 4 this I would, you're a very decent person for a football hating ska loving (don't pretend it's punk) crybaby fag.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-06 06:21:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss having a TV sometimes, but it's so rare I'll never get one again.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-03-06 06:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and Mr.Wolf i am a woman
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115405
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-03-06 05:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I won't have a bad word said against Neighbours. I grew up on that shit. Saved by the Bell, too.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-05 21:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
dude, you sound like an arctic monkey's song.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-05 19:41:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy doesn't play roulette.
And this past weekend in Vegas, I probably shouldn't have played any craps either and just stuck to cards.
Fucking brutal...
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-05 19:18:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-05 19:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2...for whatever the hell point you were making here.
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Don't you have a roulette table you should be on.
OK, let's face it. You're sexy, though that might be the Hoegaarden.
You're a woman right?
(miss you)
-P
PS, Not gay... maybe a little.... actually not.... completely.
PPS. Not gay
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-03-05 19:13:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you just gave me an idea
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-05 19:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Right, no talking to me. I only like people who plus2 me.
I'm kidding... In a flirty way.
You are a woman right?
-P
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-05 19:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2...for whatever the hell point you were making here.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-03-05 19:05:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
for future refrence i have no vocab
i just use any word in any way i want it to be used
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-03-05 19:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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no one ?
maybe it was just a bad observation
go wank yourself
ima get a little wank in
wank off
that pond is kinda big though
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No no. A Yanker.
Please excuse my Britishoscity. I'm pissed up.
Awesome.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:50:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
in order ta be a bloody yank
you'd have ta be a wanker
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pardone' Moi. I meant "whilst."
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Buy a dictionary so you can stop misspelling 'neighbors'.
:)
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Thankyou, but in England, and more importantly Australia where it's aired it's spelled "Neighbours". It's a show title so it makes sense to spell it by the shows title rather than follow you bloody yanks :p
-P
================
"Bloody Yanks?" Is that what happens when one pulls too hard while jerking off?
OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Buy a dictionary so you can stop misspelling 'neighbors'.
:)
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Thankyou, but in England, and more importantly Australia where it's aired it's spelled "Neighbours". It's a show title so it makes sense to spell it by the shows title rather than follow you bloody yanks :p
-P
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Buy a dictionary so you can stop misspelling 'neighbors'.
:)
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:31:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i've got a problem i love em all
and Neighbours is just code for niggers, around here at least
i mean hell look outside neighbours everywhere
was gunna give it a minus but neighbours man
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:12:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, why can't I be a pretty girl?
=(
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I'm sure you are. Deep down.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:12:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Time to turn 'Neighbours' off methinks."
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No matter what path brought you to this conclusion, you are right.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-03-05 18:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, why can't I be a pretty girl?
=(
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-05 17:51:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fiction? Bloody hell, if only. I'm genuinely this stupid.
-Paul
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-05 17:50:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Why is it that 90% of fiction on this site involves a 'beat up old car' and never a new one?
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-05 17:49:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Television is overrated.