Please please please! (660 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2008-03-07 07:43:05 EST
Dear Mr Gates
My name is Drogo and I feel obliged to write to you and offer my condolences on your drop from Number one on the world wide rich list. I can empathise with the heart ache it must cause to know that you are no longer number 1. I too had a recent set back where I was no longer the first choice Number 8 in my local village rugby team. It seems so sad that people of a specific age are treated with such irreverence and just get cast aside as useless defunct bits of furniture.
Anyway the point of my letter if, of course, to beg for money; but wait before you discard this as yet another Begging letter please hear me out, I have a terrible tale to tell.
It all began over 30 years ago in a wonderful land full of leprechauns and rainbows. A woman, who we shall refer to as 'Mother', lay on a hospital gurney in great pain as some beast crawled out of her and gasped for air. This began her life of despair and disappointment as she had brought forth into the world one of the laziest and most repulsive creature ever to draw breath, me.
Bless her she did try. She took me to a lovely home and introduced me to a loving and caring father and two sisters. I was well treated and shown every kindness, but some of us are just selfish I guess and never appreciate what we have. I strove for more. I wanted a better life for me and ..., well me really.
I don't want you to cry for me though. I know it must be very upsetting for you to read how happy and lovely my life was, but sympathy isn't what I'm after, it's your money. I wish I could sit here and type out all the terrible things my family did to me, but sadly there are none. I wish there was some explanation as to why I am the way that I am but really there isn't any. I long for a dysfunctional family life and up bringing to explain why I am such a twat, but there is none. I no longer have tears left for my laments that I was never abused or mistreated like it seems most people are, if you believe the news and TV.
So here I am. I lay myself at your mercy. I prostrate myself at your, imagined, perfectly manicured feet begging for money. Not much, just a wee bit. $4,000,000 should do it really. You are probably wondering why you should do this. I offer no valid reason. It's not like I am going to invest this in some fledgling company doing research to help change the world for the better, because I'm not. I'm not even willing to share it with some charity or even my rather lovely family. I'm just going to squander the lot on drink, drugs, fast cars and maybe some slow ones too and women can't forget the women. If I tire of women then I may even try men.
I can almost hear your thoughts as you read this 'What a horrible person' and you would be quite correct. In my time on this earth I have been likened to many things from 'Boil on the Arse of Humanity' through to 'A rash that no amount of cream can remove'. My personal favourite was 'A shinning example of why women should only give blow jobs.' See no one likes me, and it is my entire fault. I am just a lazy bastard looking for a quick way to get money rather than work for it. Am I so different form other people I ask?
Anyway I am sure you are busy so wont take up any more of your time, another lie I'm afraid as I am still typing so still absorbing you precious time.
I hope you find it in your heart to help me Mr Gates, Bill; you really are my last hope.
Yours in expectation and eternal gratitude.
Drogo.
P.s I enclose a picture of my family, look how poor and destitute they are and try not to feel pity.
p.p.s If you don't send me the money, then you are a miserable bastard and I wrote this by hand.
cc. Richard Branson
Warren Buffett
Carlos Slim Helú
Lakshmi Mittal
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-10 04:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please, do not blow away or drown in the storms. Be prepared. Sand bags and a wind break. Stiff upper lip, we ar British, 'freak' 'dangerous' weather is our specialist subject.
Hmmmm... 'Oh noes! Wind and PERSISTANT drizzle!' THE WORLD IS ENDING!!
Take care you big hunk of sexy gorgeous.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-03-09 08:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-03-07 18:27:35 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:26:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Warren Buffett
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No matter how much my mind keeps telling me to stop it, I keep hearing Margaritaville whenever I see this man's name.
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WORD
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weird
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-07 18:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
wudda been funnyier if u hd listed cc'd shlongy
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:27:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:26:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Warren Buffett
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No matter how much my mind keeps telling me to stop it, I keep hearing Margaritaville whenever I see this man's name.
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WORD
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:41:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sure Ltap, yeah i am a drug dealing prostitute.Twat. :)
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:26:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Warren Buffett
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No matter how much my mind keeps telling me to stop it, I keep hearing Margaritaville whenever I see this man's name.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Your stuff all starts to sound the same after a bit, so I just imagine the camwhores of your reviewers all speaking at once, zooming in with my mind's eye on their horrid, NHS dental work, and it brings a smile to my face.
What's the yearly now for preventative, about £5.00?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking funny.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-07 11:56:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Right the pub beckons. Have a good one all. Type with ya Monday, if I can be bothered and that little thing called 'Work' doesnt get in the way.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-07 09:34:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In other related news, do you know, people actually do that in real life - ask celebrities for money?! Apparently, happens a lot. God, nothing would lower me to do that. I'd scrub toilets, sell my body or push drugs before begging. :)
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You don't already?
And btw, this post kicked ass.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-07 09:12:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Havent played rugby in years. I now devote myself to the 'Social' side. I also still have all my own teeth and I think my ears look reasonably respectable, I'm sure some previous camwhore can confirm this.
You are a better woman that most Orphelia, but if you deserve help then you shouldnt be too proud to accept it when you need it.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-07 09:04:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now about this selling your body thing.
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Tuesdays and thursdays, but for you, I'd make room sundays.
When I was a single mum *gasp* *scandal* I used to have days when I could only afford food for my baby, I recall one week I ate nothing but porridge made with water for 3 days - despite having 2 jobs. I would never do ask anyone for money, I would even struggle to ask family. I read once some bimbo wrote to Colleene Nolan for cash to get a boob job. Stuff like that makes me cross.
I hope you don't really play rugby. You probably have one tooth and cauliflower ear.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-07 09:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the 'cc'
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-07 08:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-07 08:22:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In other related news, do you know, people actually do that in real life - ask celebrities for money?! Apparently, happens a lot. God, nothing would lower me to do that. I'd scrub toilets, sell my body or push drugs before begging. :)
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I know how could they do such a thing?
*Crumples letter to Branson and throws in recycling*
Now about this selling your body thing.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-03-07 08:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It all began over 30 years ago in a wonderful land full of leprechauns and rainbows.
you're from Belarus? wow!
also, according to the picture, Waldo has been very busy.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-07 08:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-07 08:27:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you know if that Buffett guy pronouces his name BUFF-et of like Hyacinth, Boo-fey. I already don't like him. I thought that Tetra Pak guy was second anyway, Hans. Or Han. Now I am just babbling. Marry me? Hehehe.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2008-03-07 08:22:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-07 08:22:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been to a township like that.
Well you are just spewing them out ain't you?
*jealous, jealous*
I felt real sorry for Bill. I mean, you can imagine the other guy phoning him up, blowing a giant raspberry into the reciever and hanging up.
Poor Bill.
In other related news, do you know, people actually do that in real life - ask celebrities for money?! Apparently, happens a lot. God, nothing would lower me to do that. I'd scrub toilets, sell my body or push drugs before begging. :)
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-03-07 08:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-07 07:55:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love when you scream PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Who took over the number one spot, not that I much care or anything.