Part Time Shiskabob (689 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.94 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2008-03-07 11:34:09 EST
I found an ad in the newspaper for PT Shiskabob. I called the number listed and asked what part time shiskabob was.
"You'd have to see it to really understand," the man told me. "But it's only part time. We don't need full time shiskabob. That's the sort of thing you get up north."
I got directions and made plans to go the next day.
I had trouble sleeping that night. I felt excited and apprehensive about part time shiskabob.
The next morning I took a long time getting dressed. I wasn't sure what to wear or how to fix my hair. Finally, I decided on a pair of olive pleated pants and a blue button up shirt, the only nice shirt I own. I spent time ironing them both, ironing some more wrinkles in. I straightened my hair and dug my cherry lip gloss out of a dresser drawer. I'd left the cap off last time I wore it, so it was all dried up and I didn't wear cherry lip gloss. I hoped this job would not necessitate cherry lip gloss.
The address he gave me was downtown, a ten minute walk from my apartment. I took an umbrella with me because it looked like it was going to rain. Cloudy and gray with a dewy mist in the air that unstraightened my hair.
The building was one story, real short, too short for a six foot man to go inside. I saw one try. He bent over to get in the door and kept bent over in the lobby. I stood behind him at the receptionist's desk. His knees were bent and his arms were folded outward, crooked at the elbows and jutting up toward the ceiling. The room made him appear cartoonish, when outside on the sidewalk, he had been an ordinary-looking man.
The receptionist took his name and he sat down in the lobby. The chairs were too small so he had to sit on the floor. His head came up over the top of the chair and his knees were drawn up so I couldn't see his nose or mouth, only his eyes, which looked quite nervous, like they were sketching the room. Sketching a bigger room, maybe.
The receptionist asked why I was here.
"I have an appointment," I said. "For the part time shiskabob position."
"Ahh," she said, pulling a folder out of her desk. It was a very tiny folder, but she opened it six times and it filled up the entire desk. "You're right here," she said, pointing to my name on the middle of an otherwise blank piece of paper.
So I sat down in the lobby and waited on my name to be called. There was a rushing sound, like a shower, but I couldn't pinpoint its location.
After a few minutes the receptionist called out, "Harry Zimmerzimmer," and the six foot man got up. He walked over to the desk with his shoulder hunched, his head bent over and leaned toward the woman.
She pointed at a door to one side of the desk and he crawled through.
There were some banging noises as he crawled through the door and I figured it was his knees knocking the doorframe.
Then the receptionist called my name and I got up. I stood in front of the desk and watched her fold the piece of paper up that had my name in the middle.
"Over there," she said, nodding at the door on the other side of the desk.
"Thanks," I told her and I went inside.
"Hello," a very nicely dressed man said. His suit was grey and black pinstriped and he had on a matching top hat. "You're here for part time shiskabob?"
"Yes sir," I said. I was gripping the umbrella tightly because I was nervous. I always get that way in front of people I don't know.
I followed him down a hall and to a smaller room. Inside, the six foot man was wearing swimming trunks and standing on a table. Because he was on the table, he had to hunch even more than he had hunched before.
The very nicely dressed man handed me a couple of foam sticks that looked like pool noodles and said, "Have at it."
"Have at what?" I asked him.
He took another foam stick and thwacked the man across the rump. The man jumped and turned a little red. He nearly hit his head on the ceiling, but he kept bent over like a stooge.
The very nicely dressed man flipped a light switch and the wall went translucent. There were three rows of elderly people sitting on the other side of the wall. One of the men in the front row was eating a bratwurst and another lady had on one of those foam rubber fingers, like you see at baseball games.
The very nicely dressed man nodded at me. The people in the crowd leaned forward. The ones in the front row almost smeared their noses against the glass. Their breath fogged little sections of the window.
I whacked the man once with a foam stick and he smiled at me. I whacked him again and again. He skittered around on the top of the table, dancing and hunching over.
The people behind the glass looked bored. They all looked so bored.
User Reviews
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-06-11 12:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-03-08 02:07:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and here i was thinking any job with "shishkabob" in its title would imply impalement.... or at least penetration
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-07 23:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
INDEED!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-03-07 22:36:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminded me of Being John Malkovich. I was going to say 'reminded me a little' but that doesn't actually make sense, does it? It either reminded me or it didn't.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-07 17:31:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, wait a fucking second...I complimented you on your ass that one time.
Sheesh...why do I bother?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-03-07 17:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that is pretty much the biggest compliment eve.r
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-03-07 15:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, your writing always reminds me of Vendela Vida's novels.
Thank you
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Dugg!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
gholatime?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:25:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to rate this, and give it an honest and critical review, what you did right and wrong, the bits I liked, what about this makes me smile, to take the time and analyze your writing and the style which you write it in, but I believe that to do that would be over analysis, and that I'd only enjoy these out of purpose or form, than entertainment.
I'm not about to let that happen.
:|
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i enjoyed the story and the comments.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:43:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...FULL TIME SKEWER!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:38:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
my title is thoughtfully and purposely composed.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
WOW, GOOD ONE, YOU MASTER OF WIT!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Does that mean "scourge" is a lazy way of spelling "Scroungy?"
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
no no no
you need to be consistent, sadie.
we don't call that a 'variant spelling', we call it laziness on the authors part by refusing to learn and utilize the correct spelling of a word. sloppy research and whatnot.
or we could just call a sentence like this:
'U R 2 S2PID 2 REALLY H8, YOU UNFUNNY REDNEK'
one that is not incorrect, but simply composed of 'variant' spellings
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Results 1 - 10 of about 12,300 for SHISKABOB
Results 1 - 10 of about 4,520 for SHISKEBAB
Results 1 - 10 of about 133,000 for SHISH KABOB
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Something about this reminds me of Richard Brautigan... Have you ever read any of Richard Brautigan's stuff? I highly recommend Trout Fishing in America, A Confederate General from Big Sur, In Watermelon Sugar, and The Pill versus the Springhill Mine Disaster. I don't know how to adequately describe his writing, but here's what the poet Michael McClure says about it in Brautigan's Wikipedia entry, and I think he sums it up very well:
"There's nothing resembling it in American writing. It's as West Coast as a Douglas fir, but more broadly it's peculiarly American and Rube Goldbergian. This writing goes beyond eccentricity and into vision at times, and at others it is personal symptomology. It's not just a string of books ranging from witty and sensual to decadent and misbegotten, it's a rippling, flashing river for the critic and reader trout-fishers and gold-panners of the present and future to explore."
--------------
You need to shut up right now. This story didn't make any sense, starting with WHAT THE FUCK IS A SHISKABOB.
==================
Perhaps a variant spelling of SHISHKEBAB. Or a variant of STFULTAP!!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Something about this reminds me of Richard Brautigan... Have you ever read any of Richard Brautigan's stuff? I highly recommend Trout Fishing in America, A Confederate General from Big Sur, In Watermelon Sugar, and The Pill versus the Springhill Mine Disaster. I don't know how to adequately describe his writing, but here's what the poet Michael McClure says about it in Brautigan's Wikipedia entry, and I think he sums it up very well:
"There's nothing resembling it in American writing. It's as West Coast as a Douglas fir, but more broadly it's peculiarly American and Rube Goldbergian. This writing goes beyond eccentricity and into vision at times, and at others it is personal symptomology. It's not just a string of books ranging from witty and sensual to decadent and misbegotten, it's a rippling, flashing river for the critic and reader trout-fishers and gold-panners of the present and future to explore."
---
Thanks for the rec. I'll check it out.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Something about this reminds me of Richard Brautigan... Have you ever read any of Richard Brautigan's stuff? I highly recommend Trout Fishing in America, A Confederate General from Big Sur, In Watermelon Sugar, and The Pill versus the Springhill Mine Disaster. I don't know how to adequately describe his writing, but here's what the poet Michael McClure says about it in Brautigan's Wikipedia entry, and I think he sums it up very well:
"There's nothing resembling it in American writing. It's as West Coast as a Douglas fir, but more broadly it's peculiarly American and Rube Goldbergian. This writing goes beyond eccentricity and into vision at times, and at others it is personal symptomology. It's not just a string of books ranging from witty and sensual to decadent and misbegotten, it's a rippling, flashing river for the critic and reader trout-fishers and gold-panners of the present and future to explore."
--------------
You need to shut up right now. This story didn't make any sense, starting with WHAT THE FUCK IS A SHISKABOB.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I found an ad in the newspaper for PT Shiskabob. I called the number listed and asked what part time shiskabob was.
"You'd have to see it to really understand," the man told me. "But it's only part time. We don't need full time shiskabob. That's the sort of thing you get up north."
-----
The beginning is quite charming.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:27:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Reno
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rather uneventful.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vegas
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Something about this reminds me of Richard Brautigan... Have you ever read any of Richard Brautigan's stuff? I highly recommend Trout Fishing in America, A Confederate General from Big Sur, In Watermelon Sugar, and The Pill versus the Springhill Mine Disaster. I don't know how to adequately describe his writing, but here's what the poet Michael McClure says about it in Brautigan's Wikipedia entry, and I think he sums it up very well:
"There's nothing resembling it in American writing. It's as West Coast as a Douglas fir, but more broadly it's peculiarly American and Rube Goldbergian. This writing goes beyond eccentricity and into vision at times, and at others it is personal symptomology. It's not just a string of books ranging from witty and sensual to decadent and misbegotten, it's a rippling, flashing river for the critic and reader trout-fishers and gold-panners of the present and future to explore."
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm somewhat dizzy after reading this so please assume I made a witty comment.
Something sexual, full of phalic double entendre about you and shiskebabs and all that.
Something like Shlongy would say only not as mean, more flirty.
thanks.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:17:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
didn't read it, but i assume it is about a woman receiving it at both ends.
that always makes me smile :)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whats up?? this post is slightly dull.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
They all looked so bored.
=========
I understand their pain.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-07 11:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I bet you aren't going to get THIS ONE published.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-07 11:48:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
duh
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-07 11:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck...shoulda figured that out myself then.
+2 for sheer surrealism
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-07 11:43:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
somehow they stepped through the space-time continuum and ended up in the future where everyone is a midget except for that one guy who is still normal size, and is looked at as a freak as we look upon midgets today.
at least we don't flog them with noodles though.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-07 11:39:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah...um...good, I guess...
What just happened?!