The Leprechaun (665 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.59 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2008-03-07 13:29:31 EST
Sad that we didn't get the shamrock open up and going. that has always generated some highly ammusing stuff. check out some past entries here: http://www.ubersite.com/u/Brdn_Nkd/l/shamrock_open_2006
This St Paddy's day tale is brought to you courtesy of the girl I'm seeing. She asked me to write a story involving unicorns, a leprechaun, rainbows, and butterflies. I'm not sure she'll like the result.
As a world traveler I've become very comfortable with trying new restraints and bars. That is, I was comfortable. You see on my last trip I had an experience to put me off ever walking into an unknown establishment ever again.
I'd arrived in Toledo OH the night before and after a long day of working I was ready to have a few drinks. I walked toward downtown enjoying a beautiful spring day and looking forward to a tasty beverage. I passed several bars on the way but none seemed to have any character or life and so I kept walking, until I saw "The Leprechaun".
The Leprechaun had a sign with a leering, dancing Leprechaun looking at a beautiful woman. Below the sign was a smaller marquee with only the words "where your dreams can come true" printed on it. The door was round with a big brass knob on one side and was painted the brightest, deepest color red imaginable. What finally sealed it for me was the large neon Guinness sign in the window.
I pulled the big red round door open and stepped in. Looking around I almost turned around to leave when the barkeep asked me what I'd like.
"Just a pint of Guinness please."
I took up a barstool and continued to survey the place. The walls were painted bright purple and had giant rainbows running their lengths. At the end of each rainbow was a pot of gold overflowing with the shiny precious metal. The ceiling was covered in butterflies that almost seemed to be alive. Thinking back they might have been alive for real, their wings seemed to move constantly and there was a slight breeze throughout the establishment as though the movement of their wings stirred the air.
The barkeep returned with my pint and placed it on a purple napkin with a rainbow running from one corner to another. I looked up at the bartender and involuntarily shuddered. He was a short fellow with shocking red hair and a long tangled beard. He wore a white shirt with ruffles round the collar and cuffs and a tall top hat with a shiny gold buckle on the front. He smiled a salacious grin at me and I noted the two gold crowned teeth in the front of said smile.
"Here for the show laddy?"
I was startled by his question wrapped in a thick Irish brogue. "Show?"
"Aye, just a little one but this is the only place in the world you'll see such a one."
"Well, I was really only looking to have a few pints but I might be interested in a show to accompany them. When does it begin?"
"Say the word laddy and it begins. Would you like to see it?"
"Fine, yes. Can I get a bag of those chips too?"
"Aye, you may, you'll have to prepay for the show though sonny, $45 please."
"$45? Are you serious? You haven't even told me what kind of show it is!"
"Pay or not I don't rightly care but let me tell ye lad that you'll not be disappointed."
I considered for a moment before curiosity overcame any other objections I might have had and I handed the barkeep the money. As his hand closed around the bills and mine released them to him I suddenly found myself in an altogether different location.
The first thing I noticed was that I was no longer inside. Instead of purple walls I saw the very sky was purple. There were rainbows running through the sky in great vibrant arcs and I thought I could see a pot of gold beneath the end of a rainbow near me. The ceiling of butterflies was now definitely live butterflies and they gaily floated through the air above me in their lazy way.
Finally, in front of me was a large stage covered in green velvet and adorned with large gold coins. Onto the stage stepped the barkeep. It was certainly the barkeep but over his white shirt he now wore an impressive green goat with polished gold buttons. His top hat was a matching green and the gold buckle seemed to shine brighter than ever. His pants matched the suit and all of it finally came down to a round toed pair of black shoes with gold buckles to match the one on his hat.
"Welcome traveler! I am THE leprechaun and I bring ye here today for a show. Ye're a might early for St. Paddy's day but I welcome ye nonetheless. Ye're welcome to make yerself comfortable but keep your hands out of me gold.
I now introduce to you my lovely assistant and star of the show Erin O'Malley."
Appearing from nowhere there now stood on the stage a beautiful woman. Erin was obviously of Irish descent, she had waist length fiery red hair, milky white skin dotted with freckles, ferocious green eyes, and absolutely not a stitch of clothing.
My eyes wandered the curves of Erin's body, taking in the fullness of her breasts accentuated by a small nipple on each, the swell of her hips, the tuft of red hair above her crotch, her long slender legs, and finally resting in astonished horror at the sight of her feet.
Oh, this beautiful woman sullied by the worst pair of feet I've ever seen! They were huge, firstly, but worse was the thick mat of bright red hair that exploded in great tufts of flame from the tops of them. I shuddered again and then noted that the performers were waiting for me. I returned my gaze to their faces and shuddered again as Erin winked at me.
"Dear traveler, you've paid for a show and ye'll get one. I do sell photo souvenirs at the end and for just a little more money you can spend some one on one time with Erin if you like."
With this said the leprechaun waved his hands with an effeminate swirl and disappeared.
From all around me a soft music began to fill the silence. I searched for the source and as ridiculous as it might sound I'm fairly certain that it was coming from the butterflies. I returned my attention to the stage just in time to gasp in astonishment as I watched the leprechaun lead a unicorn onto the stage.
I know how crazy this all sounds but I assure you its all true. The leprechaun played his audience of one well and invited me to come inspect the animal. Climbing the stairs to the stage I walked around the beast and took in its magnificance. Its tail and mane seemed to shine with a brilliant silver color; its coat was a brilliant white. The horn, rising from the center of its head, appeared to be gilt in gold and stood a full two feet long. Finally I looked into its eyes. Deep blue eyes filled with a sadness I can't describe. As I stared into these eyes I felt Erin move behind me, brushing her breasts across my back as she moved around to the side of the unicorn.
"Young traveler, I invite you to take a seat there" Erin pointed to a lavish seat on the side of the stage "the show begins now."
Erin watched as I sat in the purple velvet chair to see what happened next.
"Now you will see what this unicorn really has to offer."
Erin ran her hands down the flank of the creature before gently pushing its head down so that its horn was pointing straight out. She straddled the horn then and I watched, stunned, as she slid up and down it, parting the lips of her vagina on either side of the horn. The unicorn stood, resigned to its fate as she continued moving up and down its length for a few minutes before standing.
She took the horn in one hand and showed how slick it was, sliding her hand up and down the shimmering gold shaft. The unicorn sighed as she lifted its head and planted a kiss on the side of its face. She ran her hands over the unicorns face then and down his neck, sliding her hands over the muscular body. Soon she followed her hands over his shoulders and down his flank until finally she knelt beneath the beast and stroked its belly.
When she took the unicorn's penis into her mouth I tried to get up and found that the chair had somehow restrained me. The leprechaun was back at my side and quietly said "no use protesting now laddy, you paid for the show and ye'll see the show."
"Oh come on! This poor animal shouldn'..."
"Poor animal?! Are ye serious? Look at him. He's getting his rocks off now and he'll be liking it soon enough. He doesn't always like the third act though." With that the leprechaun slapped a piece of tape across my mouth. "Ye paid for the show and ye'll watch it now."
Restrained and with my mouth taped shut I could no longer protest. I watched as Erin continued to fellate the unicorn. I have to admit that it was kind of hot and it was then that I noticed the unicorns cock. Like so much else on the unicorn it looked like any other horses cock. That sounds a funny thing to say but I've seen horses on farms and zebras in zoos and when they get excited their long penises slide out and look about the same. So, as I mentioned I did notice a difference and that's that the unicorn's cock was rainbow colored down the shaft. It really became quite comical to watch Erin sliding the rainbow colored phallus in and out of her mouth.
The unicorn was definitely enjoying it now and I could see his excitement as Erin got down on all fours beneath the beast and waited for him to do his part. It didn't take the unicorn long to find Erin below him and ram his rainbow phallus home. Soon he was neighing and shaking his head excitedly as he thrust in and out of Erin who also seemed to be enjoying herself but as they really got into it the leprechaun moved from my side and started walking toward the unicorn.
"Now comes the part he doesn't always like laddy." He said as he took a stool out from under a cabinet on the stage. The unicorn was still thrusting away but was watching the leprechaun warily until finally he couldn't see him anymore. That smarmy little leprechaun positioned the stool behind the unicorn, climbed up on it and dropped his pants to reveal a tiny little pecker. The unicorn threw its head back and forth trying to find the leprechaun behind him but still couldn't see him over his own flank.
The unicorn looked startled, hurt, and pained when the leprechaun began bonin him in the ass and he thrashed wildly about with Erin impaled on his rainbow colored cock until finally he must have come in a great explosion of rainbow colored sperm shooting Erin off the end of his shaft and into the wall beside him.
Surreally the leprechaun pulled up his pants as Erin pulled herself up off the floor. Then, walking until they drew even with the unicorns head, they all took a bow and with that the show was over.
The next thing I remember is waking up outside that round red door under the leering leprechaun sign with an incredible hangover. I tried to open the door to go back in and found it locked. I looked through the windows and saw that the bar looked as though it hadn't been open in years, the bar was covered in a thick layer of dust, the stools and chairs were scattered across the floor and there was broken glass everywhere. I stood there trying to figure out what had happened. I looked in my wallet and saw that the money I'd given the leprechaun was gone.
As I stood there, bewildered, an old bum walked past. He was mumbling and I wasn't really paying attention but my ears caught what sounded like "donkey show" and I rounded on him.
"What'd you say old man?"
"I said there's nothing like a donkey show."
I looked at him and he continued his mumbling before turning away and shambling up the street. I looked back at the bar then at the old man and thought "fuck a donkey show, there's nothing like a unicorn show" before walking back to my hotel.
User Reviews
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-04-11 09:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was ridiculously awesome. Well done!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-10 10:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-03-07 16:46:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
!! what a bicth! rub salt into my wounds and pour lemon juice over them, please!
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Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-07 11:27:24 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't cry Crystle. You can have as many of my menz as you want. I have 157 right now.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 15:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh sico, you funny silly little man. there was no stalking involved. crystle and i talk frequently... just all in good fun.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:42:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:51:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I <3 Crystle
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naaa uhh, really? We surely couldn't tell by you photoshopping yourself into 4 pictures of her and e-stalking her.
Did I trick you into thinking I read this? I didn't.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
in your other post you said emu semen tasted like carrot cake.
oh look a new user/alter name for someone, Emusemen.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't cry Crystle. You can have as many of my menz as you want. I have 157 right now.
That's too many.
Even for me.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
carrot cake?
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am never eating carrot cake again.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
eeeeeeeeeeeew
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:16:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha willie. that was actually funny.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This St Paddy's day tale is brought to you courtesy of the girl I'm seeing. She asked me to write a story involving unicorns, a leprechaun, rainbows, and butterflies. I'm not sure she'll like the result.
======================
How many imaginary creatures can you find in the above paragraph?
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:12:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115441
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
weeeeeeeeeeeeps
it's true! NO MENZ!!
*dies*
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA
Leik ur soooo funney CrystAl!
Prude....hmmm. See, Crystal is trying (desperately) to come up with a lofty descriptive to compensate for her lack o' menz. Prude just makes people think of some dear sweet hermit lady who blushes when she see ankles.
With Crystal, this just ins't the case.
NOOOOO MENZZZZZ!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:51:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I <3 Crystle
bwahahahahahaha
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:50:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hmm... see, FG wishes I were a slut. She's anfry that I'm a prude - it makes her feel guilty about her own lifestyle..
if you could call it a life.
her menz call it doggie-style.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:47:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-03-07 12:41:35 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah, she's just jelus.
and a bit anfry
----
Takes an anfry jelus bicth to know an anfry jelus bicth.
Besides, I +2. Generally venom comes with a bad rating.
I was just messing with you a bit by leaving only "slut" as a review comment.
I call Crystle a slut all the time. She's gotten so used to it that it no longer has the impact it once did.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
silly
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:42:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
resteraunts not restraints. damn! i even went through this a second time to clean shit up. oh well.
------------------
Do I sense a Freudian slip here?
Nice story btw.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah, she's just jelus.
and a bit anfry
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
FG, i was curious cause I know no reason for you to fling vitriol at me and especially to coin me a slut. crystle on the other hand...
skullbiter, funny man, i might almost like you, i haven't decided yet.
crystle, i'm just kidding love. I would never condone FG calling you a slut.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:36:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
resteraunts not restraints. damn! i even went through this a second time to clean shit up. oh well.
--
This was great, but the errors made it hard to read.
Ha, joking. Great story.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:36:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh....
Ok
Sure
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
who me?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:34:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Slut
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 13:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
resteraunts not restraints. damn! i even went through this a second time to clean shit up. oh well.