One of THOSE Shits... (1302 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.15 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S.I. Co. Semen (View user info) at 2008-03-07 14:14:41 EST
...seriously, I just took one. You know which ones I'm talking about, don't you? Sure you do. Everyone has had one and if they say they haven't then they're not only Jewish but liars as well. I just had a shit so good that I was thinking about saving it. I'm not joking, but that shit could have been the fountain of youth because I feel 3 years younger, maybe 7...I'm not sure. I wondered what a shit of that caliber would look like but I didn't ruin the surprise mid shit by peeking between my legs.
When I was finished I stood up and looked down at a beaut. This son of a gun was an energetic brown if I've ever seen one. The thing was shredded, like it had individually over-developed muscles, veins sprung from the outer edges like Rocky Mountains coming in from the plains. It was sinker, too. That's how I know this monkey tail was the bully of my asshole. Only pussy shits float. Not this sucker, not uh, no way, Jose.
The only thing that I wish could have been different with this sinking sphincter sandbagger was that it stayed in one piece. I thought the sheer brawn of my can deposit would have chipped porcelain but in the end it snapped in half like a submarine into an unexplored ridge. The fucker splintered and I admired the tenacity the little shit showed.
The two halves were 8 inches respectively (nearly 3 times the size of my prick) which means that I birthed a foot-and-a-halfer. God forbid I did save this fucker because the taxidermy fees I would've have had to pay in order to stuff and preserve this HOLY SHIT would have caused me to take a second mortgage out on the house.
I like to make origami out of the toilet paper before I wipe. Nothing shows respect for your asshole more than havin a crane delicately bend its neck--pull the tail--to scoop mud freckles off your starfish, not to mention it's the least I can do for my balloon knot given that the company's standard issue is like wiping your ass with lava rock. This time I folded up the best "whippoorwill on tree stump with receding moss in the morning dew" that I could muster.
Needless to say I didn't wipe, got off the commode, shed a tear, and watched it swirl down the drain like a mother seeing her son off to college. It was quite remarkable. I'll remember this shit for the remainder of my days.
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-12 10:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, that guy sure is a badass. I kind of wish he didn't have to use his left hand to balance himself, but that's because I'm greedy.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-10 16:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-10 15:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what a gay post!
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FAIL.
Please re-read the directions, whore.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-03-10 10:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's one luck motorcyclist.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-03-09 06:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good Lord...
Submitted by nathanscivic (user info) at 2008-03-08 11:40:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah a couple times I've pinched off a loaf that made me emotional. My favorite shits are the real dry ones that you only have to wipe a couple times and be on your way.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-07 23:38:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A picture's worth a thousand words. Although a picture can't convey the odor. But you failed to describe that anyway. Still, I know the feeling.
Do you look at your shit paper after each wipe to see if more is needed?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-07 20:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That .gif is fantastic.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-07 20:16:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-07 18:54:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could watch that gif all fuckin day. Is that guy a Terminator or something?
Hit by car, rolls onto car.
Falls from roof of car onto bike.
Falls off of bike onto road.
Springs to his feet and begins gesticulating.
*HotWillie reads the above line, scrolls back up to the video, thinks I'm an idiot for saying the guy is doing things with his genitals, scrolls back down*
Anyhow, that's one scary guy.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-07 18:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For that.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-07 18:28:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-07 18:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only need 3 minutes and two of that is trying to find it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-07 18:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack, I think you need to create a series based loosely around your last review. Oh, how I was laughing...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-07 18:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have to say that when it comes to shits nothing pisses me off more than guys at work who drop one that peels the paint and shatters the tiles and then just sit on it like a fucking brood hen instead of giving a courtesy flush. I've actually had to say to guys, "Hey man, you want to send that on its way before somebody has a vomiting fit and we have to call 911?"
Also, there is a guy at work with easily recognizable sneakers who sits on the shitter every day for 30 to 45 minutes, anytime between 3pm and 4:30. What the fuck is that all about? I've actually started checking (yeah, I have time to kill too, but I don't spend it on the can) and making comments over the stall door on my way out of the restroom.
"Hey man, you're starting to piss people off."
"Do you need medical assistance"
"Dude, one word. Fiber."
"PUUUSH!"
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-07 18:10:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a very, very impressive poop vocab.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-07 17:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We call that "running cable to the toilet".
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-03-07 16:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
iknow exactly what you speak of.
i remember one time, at camp when i was a kid, walking into the bathroom and seeing a shit that was 12 inches long and a bout 3" in diameter. i must have been 11 years old or so, but the memory of that shit lingers in my mind.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-07 16:36:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shitlink:
I wiped my ass with teddy bears... Should I feel bad about that?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66797
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-07 16:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-07 16:35:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-07 16:35:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY REVIEWS?
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-03-07 16:30:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God that's awful but it's pretty funny.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-07 16:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-07 15:51:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And why does a post that describes the size and consistency of your shit get a 1.18 rating?
--
Is this a serious question?
STOP!
See that! That thing in the upper left hand corner?
That is why.
That is also all.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-07 15:51:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And why does a post that describes the size and consistency of your shit get a 1.18 rating?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-07 15:28:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
poopreport.com
http://www.ubersite.com/m/39942
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:50:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And then you went and POSTED IT?
Yera jeaneeeasshole.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:50:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just coiled up a snake that had to be 18-24" easily...
I had been backed up the last few days and that Quaker 100% natural cereal works like a scouring pad for my intestines.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:49:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm willing to bet that you didn't put your typical oleo on your white toast this morning, Denise. I'm gonna go for a stretch here, but was it Tabasco sauce?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i think your scintillating wit is unparalleled across the internet with the exception of Ltap.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So...about this .gif. If this had a caption I think it would go like this:
"adfmrirrrghghhhshgerghmm, Dude, what the fuck, my motorcylce....what the fuck?"
Germaine, what do you think?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i will take those under advisement but i'm leaning toward "fermented cabbage"
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You float boats with shit?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rob, I'll hot carl you if floats your boat.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:31:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
YOU = POOP MACHINE.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:28:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Skull, that has a ring to it, but I'd like for Susan to label it "Peachblend"
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot to rate.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what would you suggest bill?
---
sico's greatests hits.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:25:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well Ok then. you got a reach around I hope.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well take a picture of it first.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:25:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what would you suggest bill?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What are you gonna label it, Ted?
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay Hypospadias, if you can stop shaving your head.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:22:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
how hilarious i must label this post
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:21:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
THIS IS A SHIT POST.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
with flowers, or just buds?
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
amature, I once produce a Penta-flusher.
kneel before the might of my colon.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Caul's shit posts are funnier, Hypospadias.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:16:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is approximately 43% idiotic and 57% gay, +/- 3% with a confidence level of 99.9%.