I swear to God this DID happen last night. (2026 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.24 on 104 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by OathMeal (View user info) at 2008-03-08 11:39:24 EST
Those of you who know me know that some months ago I took a huge risk and moved out west to begin a new life amongst the Rocky Mountains.
I left Atlanta -- an incontrovertibly disgusting cesspool of a city -- in favor of a mountain town in southwest Colorado. I tell you here and now that this was the best move I've ever made and I've never been happier.
Now that the newness has worn off somewhat, and now that I have the latitude to get out and start meeting people, I figured a date would be nice to have. You know...hit up the old Craigslist "Transexual seeking Male" party list of ads until I see one that strikes my prostate. I mean fancy.
Truth be told, I scored a date for last night. Her name is Celeste. She is a mother of three.
Celeste made it very clear that she had recently separated from her husband and that while the divorce papers were still being processed, she wanted to 'get back out there' and have some fun.
Those are her words. Have some fun. I tell you friends, the fun we had was not the variety of fun me OR my penis was expecting. At the risk of being a long-winded douchebag and for the sake of brevity, I have arranged the events of last night in dialog format for your reading pleasure.
Please also bear in mind that I majored in Philosophy in college and that I leap at any opportunity to prove, by way of the Socratic Dialectic, my intellectual dominance over small-minded religious eggplants.
Again, as God as my witness (not the Judeo-Christian God...let's call him a hybrid FSM/First Cause/Ontologically provable God) this exchange DID happen.
_______________________________
(...timeline: after dinner, sitting in my car, parked near a lake, discussing life...)
Oathy: "Wow you really wolfed down that Caesar salad. Hungry much?"
Celeste: "Well you know I don't really get to cook for myself much and that was just a great salad. Thanks for paying, by the way."
Oathy: "Hey no problem. I'm no Shlongy (sic) but I'm happy to take care of you."
Celeste: "So where would you say you stand on religion?"
Oathy: "I stand far, far away from it."
Celeste: "..."
Oathy: "Heh. Well, ok. A serious question deserves a serious answer. Truthfully, I consider myself agnostic by term however I can't commit to that label entirely because I believe 'God' to be capable of being defined without using many of the common attributes like, say, omniscience, being all 'good', etc."
Celeste: "So how would you define God?"
Oathy: "God is energy. It's that simple. Am I agnostic for saying so? Probably not, under scrutiny. But then, I'm hoping you won't scrutinize me too much this evening. The way you devoured that fucking salad...I REALLY hope you don't take those gnashing teeth to my religious views."
[Affected laughter from Celeste]
Oathy: "And you?"
Celeste: "I'm a Christian. A very happy and intelligent one, I'd like to think."
["Intelligent Christian" I thought... "Have I here met my match? Does such a creature exist? I know I've heard about such mythical beasts...one in particular by the name of C.S. Lewis...but wasn't he an alien?"]
Oathy: "Is that so?"
Celeste: "Yes. I believe Christ died for our sins and that the only truth we can really count on is contained in the bible."
[Friends, by this point my hopes of getting a sloppy blow job by lakeside have been dashed. My hormonal swells now quickly deflating, I decide to take this utter waste of my time to the point of at least some philosophical amusement.]
Oathy: "I see. So then, tell me...if the bible's tenets, proposals and explanations of reality are spot-on correct, do you think modern science is just empty, senseless gibberish?"
Celeste: "For the most part."
[Here my tolerance for epistemological narrow-mindedness dropped to a historical low (since at LEAST 1995)and I decided to end this little fray.]
Oathy: "So if I were to ask you...[motioning toward the rocky mountain skyline] 'where did those huge mountains come from?', what would you say?"
Celeste: "God made them."
Oathy: "When?"
Celeste: "6,000 - 10,000 years ago. Depending on how you interpret the bible."
Oathy: "But that's wrong."
Celeste: "No it's not."
Oathy: "Yes it is."
Celeste: "Prove it."
Oathy: "Sometime after the formation of earth's crust some 2-3 billion years ago, land masses began forming as a result of something called outgassing...a process through which huge, tectonic plates thousands of square kilometers in size developed. These plates slid, and continue to slide, all over the earth, constantly changing and, over time, creating new land features. An example of such a feature would be these mountains we see before us. I'm not a geologist, but I'm pretty sure that the minerals in those mountains are anywhere from 800 million to 3 billion years old."
Celeste: "That's such bullshit."
Oathy: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I tell you what...I have a number of references and sources that can factually corroborate my explanation of the formation of the Rocky Mountains. Why don't you go and collect YOUR sources, and then we can revisit this and see who has the most compelling argument. If it turns out that you simply have better evidence than I do, then by golly I'll drop to my knees and pray to Jesus right along side you. Deal?"
Celeste: "Why are you such a fucking prick?"
Oathy: "That's not very Christian to say."
Celeste: "I don't care."
Oathy: "Jesus would."
Celeste: "Take me home."
1 hour later I was smoking a joint, jacking off to youporn and reveling in my obvious religious ignorance.
God bless the human mind.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-03-12 18:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you get a +2 for being the voice of reason and not crumpling her in a rage
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-03-12 04:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fake meeting with a fake woman detailing a fake conversation.
Interesting idea for a post.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2008-03-12 01:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My weekend consisted of a very angry Mexican, hot lesbian action, a horny black cop, puking in the street and much much more!
PS. Jesus had a poop fetish - Matthew 1:21
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-11 12:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-11 09:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If that was me, and you had just paid for dinner, I'd have *at least* given you a blow job while you squeezed my tits and fingered my pussy. It is only polite.
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i love this girl.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-03-11 12:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-11 12:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, what the hell is a bible beater doing looking for dates on Craigslist?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-11 12:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Avoid eHarmony. All those people are psycho Jesus freaks. I mean Jesus is great and all, but let's be real.
Atlanta's not THAT bad. It's no Prague, but it's no Calcutta either. And now that I live ITP and work in North Alpharetta, I get to drive 26 miles each way in the opposite direction as everyone else. It's brilliant.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-11 09:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If that was me, and you had just paid for dinner, I'd have *at least* given you a blow job while you squeezed my tits and fingered my pussy. It is only polite.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-03-11 08:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-03-11 06:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care what others call you.
You're cool in my book, Mr. Sock.
Keeps it realz, yo.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-03-10 19:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I saw a T-shirt the other day that said WW(batman logo)D?
It made me laugh.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-03-10 17:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you have redhair. that proves god doesn't exist.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-03-10 17:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your craigslist date could've been much, much worse...
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-03-10 14:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-09 05:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if primitive man would have never invented the concept of "god" thousands of years ago, this post wouldn't even exist.
seriously, some dude had no idea how to explain the things around him a very long time ago so he came up with "god" and now we have have religion that a bunch of retards follow because someone told them it was truth and instead of having proof, "faith" was invented to refute the fact that there is no proof of a god. without fooling people into having "faith", we would have no religion and people would do that right thing out of their own good nature instead of having to devote their actions to a magic man in the sky. humans are better than animals in the sense that they are able to make conscious decisions instead of going entirely on instinct. just because you think it's incredible compared to other animals, it doesn't mean there is a magic man in the sky that made it happen. yeah, mountains are cool, yeah, the ocean is cool, yeah, trees are cool. all of that stuff happened with the most basic elements over thousands of years. there is no magic man in the sky that snapped his fingers and made it so overnight. religious people say that god created us in his own image, but it was humans who created god in our own image because people we unoriginal retards when "god" was created by man.
people believe in god because someone told them there was a god and said that you had to have faith in him because there's no proof. what if you were born in a place where christians didn't exist? you would never know there was a god your whole life. does that mean you're going to hell? what a shithead of a god that is. he should have made you born somewhere where there are christians to "save your soul"! god is a cultural icon and nothing more. people that fall for that shit are sheep. we don't know exactly how life as we know it started, but we've got some pretty good theories based on scientific FACT that life could have arisen through chemistry, in some warm little pond, with all sorts of ammonia and phosphoric salts, light, heat, electricity, etc. present.
and no one can say that evolution is a "test of faith" by god. the facts are there. if you deny it, you are a complete retard.
try to imagine infinity. because that's supposedley what the universe is. hard to wrap your mind around, huh? now try to imagine an infinite god. just as hard. if you can't imagine what infinity is like, how can you possibly imagine what god is?
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In all the comments I've read from you lately on a few posts, I've agreed almost 100%. That's really strange.
Submitted by Jack_of_Spades (user info) at 2008-03-10 14:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this was pretty funny, being brought up in a strict Catholic familyI can relate to this. I am however in the same boat, I would classify myself as Agnostic...ISH
Also, I have yet to meet a chick named Celeste that wasn't a cum guzzling whore, -1 for not face-fucking her!
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-03-10 11:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they have cold beer in hell.
it's true!
good story
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-03-10 11:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-03-10 09:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm becoming increasingly unsympathetic towards religious types, but I feel that my Catholic upbringing qualifies me to be so.
It's the 'Earth is 6,000 years old' idiots who are the worst.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-03-10 01:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-03-09 20:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "Jesus would"
Submitted by Entaran (user info) at 2008-03-10 00:18:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd love to do something very similar to this.
If it sends me to hell... well, it's warm and i'll know people there.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-09 20:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/109170
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-03-09 20:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "Jesus would"
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-09 19:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
okay, enough of this. thanks for your time and attention. i need to pack up all my rags and drive back up to chicago. im going to live in sin for a week in cancun and my flight leaves tomorrow morning.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-09 19:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
then youre going to burn in hell.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-09 18:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well, that's about as rational as it gets for my taste. i've never really had it explained to me that way.
i still don't believe in god though.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-09 18:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
read number one: http://www.ubersite.com/m/114108
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-09 18:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-09 18:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i disagree that there is any reasonable proof of a god. the only absolute way that i will believe in "god" is if whatever god IS shows itself to me. (when i'm sober, of course) anything you have to offer to me as proof just isn't going to cut it.
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fair enough.
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let me ask you something, AsshOly. if you had been born in the middle east, do you think you would still be a christian, or do you think you would be a muslim? what about somewhere else.? maybe hindu? buddhist? and can you explain why you are a christian instead of one of the other widely accepted religions? and what about the billions over other people that follow other religions? are they doomed to christian hell? did "god" decide who would be the chosen ones? why even create the other people born into other religions if they never even had a chance? is this some sort of sick little game?
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i would be muslim, but it doesnt matter. it's not like there's some war going on in the sky between god, yahweh, buddha, shiva, etc. its all the same god, we all just have different ideas of how to worship and all that garbage.
i say im a christian for the same reason i say im from chicago. im really from niles, but i dont want to have to explain to people where that is if they dont know, so i just say im from chicago. im not christian in the strictest sense of the word. i deeply resent the fact that my religion was taught to me and i feel embarrassed for having gone through about 17-18 years before i gave religion any real critical thought.
really, i think religion sucks in all its facets. the doctrines of any particular faith are way too limiting for anybody to even follow it, hence the concept of sin. i hate that christians say dont do this or that, when the only person alleged to have ever lived perfectly was Jesus Christ. also, religion sucks dry the heuristic component of humanity (the part where, for example, we figure out how to cure cancer) and is the cause for almost every war.
i would have said the same things oathmeal said to the woman in this post. i like reading the bible because there are some cool stories in there, but its hard for me to take it seriously since most of it is probably fiction.
so all this is to get to my point: i would happily shed any labels and just say I believe in God, and I believe Jesus was some form of God on earth. beyond that, my ideas are my own and i think it's unfair and stupid to attach a title to them because what i believe now wasn't taught to me in sunday school.
but as for the concept of religion -- i keep saying this -- i think everybody has it wrong. there is a correct answer somewhere but nobody has found it yet and i doubt very much that anybody ever will. maybe it's something we're supposed to find out when we're dead. if not, oh well.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-09 18:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-09 16:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-09 06:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
there is no proof that there is a god. there is also no proof that there isn't a god.
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there's proof here and there that there is a god, but there's plenty more proof that most of what christians and joos and muslims believe isn't right. that's what my tangent was about down there. people who believe every word of the bible are stupid asses.
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i disagree that there is any reasonable proof of a god. the only absolute way that i will believe in "god" is if whatever god IS shows itself to me. (when i'm sober, of course) anything you have to offer to me as proof just isn't going to cut it.
i know scientology seems way out there to someone who has been around a religion that has been accepted for a very, very long time and it's something you're very used to, but from my perspective, scientology is no more ridiculous than christianity.
let me ask you something, AsshOly. if you had been born in the middle east, do you think you would still be a christian, or do you think you would be a muslim? what about somewhere else.? maybe hindu? buddhist? and can you explain why you are a christian instead of one of the other widely accepted religions? and what about the billions over other people that follow other religions? are they doomed to christian hell? did "god" decide who would be the chosen ones? why even create the other people born into other religions if they never even had a chance? is this some sort of sick little game?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-09 17:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
anyone who believes in god is delusional at best,.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-03-09 17:06:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
People like your "date" drive me crazy. Whether or not you believe in a god or higher power, I don't understand how someone can totally trust a text, which was not only written down by man (that weak, lying, power-craving, agenda-having creature), but which also has been changed innumerable times over the years. Not to mention, we're still arguing over the translation.
If you want to do that, fine. Whatever helps you feel better. Just don't tell me about how rational and intelligent you are.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-09 16:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-09 06:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
there is no proof that there is a god. there is also no proof that there isn't a god.
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there's proof here and there that there is a god, but there's plenty more proof that most of what christians and joos and muslims believe isn't right. that's what my tangent was about down there. people who believe every word of the bible are stupid asses.
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should the fact that there is no proof that there ISN'T a god with the possibility that there IS a god make you "agnostic"?
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yeah. christians rule the world so what we say goes. this is america, buddy. we are a self-actualizing community so we can do whatever we want. that's what we call you guys. live with it.
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there's no proof that an infinite amount of things exist. i can't prove unicorns exist but it's possible that they do. do you think that you should be a unicorn agnostic because of that? come on, are you really going to fall into the trap that there "might" be a "god" because you don't know how to fully explain everything about the world you live in?
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haha, unicorn agnostic. i like that. i am one of those.
but yes, like i said, there is some proof that there's a god. a little bit. i dont have the time or the resources on me right now to lay it all out for you so youre just going to have to either take my word for it and do some research. or just keep not giving a shit, i dont care either way.
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on a side note, i find it laughable when christians call scientology "silly nonsense" as if their beliefs are somehow NOT "silly nonsense" as well. one religion is just as stupid as the next. xenu and thetans are no sillier than god and the holy spirit.
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um, i agree. but scientology is WAY the fuck out there, man. that shit is exponentially wierd.
one of my christian friends has been pestering one of my muslim friends to go with him to easter sunday, so my muslim friend agreed IF my christian friend did ramadan with him. christian friend was deeply offended and couldn't understand why muslim friend wanted him to take part in something so asinine.
i dont think my heart is in this argument anymore. i wrote this while on the john, i have a terrible hang over, and my life started flashing before my eyes during this shit. also, i climbed a fence at a bar and impaled (read: scratched) my chest on one of the metal spikes at the top.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-09 14:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahahahaha
good one dithered
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-09 14:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-09 14:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
your mind works like a twelve year old boy.
________________
So?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-09 14:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this sounds like fiction you created because you thought it would impress the readers of ubersite.
to accomplish this, you created behavior which makes you sound like an asshole.
which means you think being an asshole is impressive.
which means your mind works like a twelve year old boy.
(of course, this works on ubersite, so congratulations)
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-03-09 12:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you actually used the Shlongy line, and she horribly misinterpreted it. Good argument...it wasn't like you were getting laid with someone like that anyway.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-09 11:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-09 06:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
there is no proof that there is a god. there is also no proof that there isn't a god.
_______________________
Let's delve into a concept here called 'metathought'.
Meta is Greek for 'beyond' -- you might be familiar with a concept called 'metaphysics' which is the study of the extra-physical, things like realms, time, spatial distortions, etc.
If we THINK about THOUGHT, then the concepts of whether or not God exists become the SUBJECTS of our discussion, not god. So let's suspend, just for a second, our discussion about God directly and focus on the THOUGHT of God.
When we talk about proving God's existence, all we're playing with here are other thoughts that might strengthen our having a true thought about God (or not, if we're trying to DISPROVE God's existence). That said, and here's the kicker:
Unless God actually IS THOUGHT (which I believe is TRUE), then no amount of back-and-forth trying to substantiate a position about God's existence is going to GO anywhere because all we're dealing with are THOUGHTS which only exist in our minds and are THEMSELVES unreliable as direct representations of reality (why? because the human faculty of thinking is, and has been proven to be, fallible).
So...I think Hidden101 is correct here in saying God's existence cannot be proved, I would say that's CORRECT but only partially.
In thinking about thought *I believe* God's existence is obvious.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-09 11:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fabricated bullshit below.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-09 11:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh my god, what a hangover....
i came home hammered drunk at 4am and i see i went on quite the tangent. religion makes me nuts, especially when i'm drunk. man, did i have a good night. i met a chick that was hot as fuck and i bet she can't get this guy out of her head now. she's getting banged as soon as i get back.
here's a little hidden101 wisdom i'd like to impart to you because i'm such a nice guy- when 10 guys in a bar are about to get into a fight, don't try to convince them it's all about peace and love and that no one needs to fight. just get the fuck out of the way ASAP.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-09 09:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hope you really used the "I'm no Shlongy" line....
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-03-09 06:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea, I'm gonna be the 'Hidden101' back up crew on this one
However, the backup crew criteria only consists of saying 'yea muthafucka' in the appropriate places.....
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-09 06:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-08 20:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so stop trying to compartmentalize the concept of God. You can't do it. You can't say there is one or there isn't one. You can say you believe there is one and then you can say you believe we are the result of random chance or some shit. we CAN keep learning about the world we live in, but by the time the world is over, we still will not have figured out everything there is to know.
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there is no proof that there is a god. there is also no proof that there isn't a god.
should the fact that there is no proof that there ISN'T a god with the possibility that there IS a god make you "agnostic"?
there's no proof that an infinite amount of things exist. i can't prove unicorns exist but it's possible that they do. do you think that you should be a unicorn agnostic because of that? come on, are you really going to fall into the trap that there "might" be a "god" because you don't know how to fully explain everything about the world you live in?
on a side note, i find it laughable when christians call scientology "silly nonsense" as if their beliefs are somehow NOT "silly nonsense" as well. one religion is just as stupid as the next. xenu and thetans are no sillier than god and the holy spirit.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-03-09 06:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah but hidden101 what about...the...um...shutup, God rules.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-03-09 06:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-09 05:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-03-09 05:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
---
FREAKS
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I'LL BRING HOME THE TURKEY IF YOU'LL BRING HOME THE BACON
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-09 05:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if primitive man would have never invented the concept of "god" thousands of years ago, this post wouldn't even exist.
seriously, some dude had no idea how to explain the things around him a very long time ago so he came up with "god" and now we have have religion that a bunch of retards follow because someone told them it was truth and instead of having proof, "faith" was invented to refute the fact that there is no proof of a god. without fooling people into having "faith", we would have no religion and people would do that right thing out of their own good nature instead of having to devote their actions to a magic man in the sky. humans are better than animals in the sense that they are able to make conscious decisions instead of going entirely on instinct. just because you think it's incredible compared to other animals, it doesn't mean there is a magic man in the sky that made it happen. yeah, mountains are cool, yeah, the ocean is cool, yeah, trees are cool. all of that stuff happened with the most basic elements over thousands of years. there is no magic man in the sky that snapped his fingers and made it so overnight. religious people say that god created us in his own image, but it was humans who created god in our own image because people we unoriginal retards when "god" was created by man.
people believe in god because someone told them there was a god and said that you had to have faith in him because there's no proof. what if you were born in a place where christians didn't exist? you would never know there was a god your whole life. does that mean you're going to hell? what a shithead of a god that is. he should have made you born somewhere where there are christians to "save your soul"! god is a cultural icon and nothing more. people that fall for that shit are sheep. we don't know exactly how life as we know it started, but we've got some pretty good theories based on scientific FACT that life could have arisen through chemistry, in some warm little pond, with all sorts of ammonia and phosphoric salts, light, heat, electricity, etc. present.
and no one can say that evolution is a "test of faith" by god. the facts are there. if you deny it, you are a complete retard.
try to imagine infinity. because that's supposedley what the universe is. hard to wrap your mind around, huh? now try to imagine an infinite god. just as hard. if you can't imagine what infinity is like, how can you possibly imagine what god is?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-09 05:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-03-09 05:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was chastised the other day for wearing a cross.
A weird bald dude with crosses tattooed on his palms approached me on my ciggie break and commented on my t-shirt ( which read 'My anger management class PISSES ME OFF!')
He then asked if I was christian (upon seeing my cross necklace) - I said no. politely. He then asked why I was wearing a cross.
I answered very simply, 'My mother gave it to me' Because that is the only reason why I wear it.
He tried to ramble on, but by then I had already finished my ciggie.
Weird thing is, about 6 hours later, my little sister was standing outside a bar, smoking, and the exact same guy came up to her and commented on her cross (which is the exact same cross as mine) and asked the same question - and she answered the exact same way 'My mother gave it to me'
He told her, that he had already met someone that day that had made that same excuse.
which was me.
It's incredibly freaky.
---
FREAKS
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-03-09 05:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was chastised the other day for wearing a cross.
A weird bald dude with crosses tattooed on his palms approached me on my ciggie break and commented on my t-shirt ( which read 'My anger management class PISSES ME OFF!')
He then asked if I was christian (upon seeing my cross necklace) - I said no. politely. He then asked why I was wearing a cross.
I answered very simply, 'My mother gave it to me' Because that is the only reason why I wear it.
He tried to ramble on, but by then I had already finished my ciggie.
Weird thing is, about 6 hours later, my little sister was standing outside a bar, smoking, and the exact same guy came up to her and commented on her cross (which is the exact same cross as mine) and asked the same question - and she answered the exact same way 'My mother gave it to me'
He told her, that he had already met someone that day that had made that same excuse.
which was me.
It's incredibly freaky.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-09 05:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
somebody respond to what i said. i didnt write that shit for fu my fucking enterinatinemnt you fcukoign idiots. sombeobdy argue with me. seeif i bck down bithes.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-09 04:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oathy: "That's not very Christian to say."
Celeste: "I don't care."
Oathy: "Jesus would."
Celeste: "Take me home."
---
awesome.
Good to have you back, sunshine.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-03-09 03:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
going on Craigslist to find someone who's undamaged or not past their expiration date is a futile act
parking in a car after dinner? aaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha whew!, good one
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-03-08 23:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-08 15:33:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ps, save the vitriol and the insult flinging.
_______________________
Ok Scourge if you can be bothered enough to read this and ask a serious question then here's your answer:
Every single quark, string (if you're into that sort of theory), atom, photon, molecule and any quantum of matter emits a vibration of energy. If something is not emitting energy then it cannot contain or contribute to life. Examples: Galaxies and organic molecules. This goes for thought (as a substance) and the spiritual realm - which is a subject for an entirely different conversation.
But I see you raise your hand, o daft student of false arts, and say, "But what about black holes and dark matter? What about objects at absolute zero which radiate absolutely no energy at all?"
Black holes are voids. Nothing exists in them.
-----
I know a very small, Asian physicist who knows about black hole theory than you and wikipedia can pretend to have who would disagree very strongly with you on this.
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-03-08 21:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+ 2 for smoking the joint
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-08 20:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good post bad date yadda yadda.
I like all the closet theologians on this post.
I'd like to bring both sides together. Can we agree that there was a beginning to man, and he probably didn't fucking understand evolution at the time? I mean, it was a gray (very gray) line between when he was a chimp and when he was walking tall with a big brain and all that, but still there must have been a point in time when some dude finally realized what he was, right?
i highly doubt those first guys had the same concept of time as we did. they probably didn't have wrist watches or calendars or leap years, as we do now. around the time people started making shit up to form what became certain sections of the old testament, they probably still didn't have an accurate concept of time. and what's more, the religion was an oral tradition, meaning it was done by memory by rabbis who probably got some facts wrong along the way.
factor in translation errors (as I'm sure there have been many...ever played a game of telephone?), and I think we can agree that when usscher (or whatever his fucking name is) starts saying the world was created in the year 1284 B.C. at 9:00 am (seriously), that's probably not true. thus, "intelligent" christians like me understand that the bible isn't absolute truth (shit, it's hardly partly truth) and there is much to be learned from modern science.
probably, the devil didn't put fossils in the earth just to confuse us. i dont think (keep in mind my opinion matters here because i am one of the premier thinkers of my generation) the devil was trying to make people stop believing in him. i think the devil has a vested interest in people believing in heaven and hell. but these aforementioned timekeeping errors are fucking with his image.
its not fair to say those old rabbis should have known about quarks and shit because we are just figuring that stuff out right now.
so stop trying to compartmentalize the concept of God. You can't do it. You can't say there is one or there isn't one. You can say you believe there is one and then you can say you believe we are the result of random chance or some shit. we CAN keep learning about the world we live in, but by the time the world is over, we still will not have figured out everything there is to know.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-03-08 20:01:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1 hour later I was smoking a joint, jacking off to youporn and reveling in my obvious religious ignorance.
God bless the human mind.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-03-08 19:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I swear to God I don't give a crap.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:38:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think some people would appreciate FTW's review more if they knew that he was a persecuted homosexual. I think.
______________________
:[
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:36:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the title of this post compared to the actual events described therein left me feeling ripped off.
i think you're an imbecile. your intelligence is clear through the way you articulate yourself but, with all that going for you, you still can't resist being an asshole to some chick. had you played your cards differently you could have slammed her in the buckeye. as it is, you ended up whacking off to internet porn...all to boost your ego. you thinking your actions prove your vast intellect is ridiculous. bottom line is, at the end of the night, you were whacking off to internet porn instead of violating a recently divorced, and therefore sexually experienced and open, woman.
great work.
conversing about religion or politics on a date is a sure fire way to end up jerking your salamander at the end of the night.
but have a +1 because you don't know any better.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
FYI Jimmy if you'll reread this you'll note that I used science to argue against Christianity, not Philosophy.
There's a huge difference as I'm sure you know.
As far as WHY I engaged this woman in this way...well, I wasn't going to get any head so why the fuck not?
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:21:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Please also bear in mind that I majored in Philosophy in college and that I leap at any opportunity to prove, by way of the Socratic Dialectic, my intellectual dominance over small-minded religious eggplants."
To what end, exactly? What is it with you philosophy people that you feel the need to do this to people? You find simple people, who hold simple religious beliefs, and attack those beliefs with all the tools you have from your philosophy degree.
It might have been Cicero who argued that wrecking the simple beliefs of simple people was a wrong thing to do. Simple people need simple beliefs. Wrecking these simple beliefs and offering a complex, philosophical alternative that simple people can neither understand nor use is irresponsible.
What if you had succeeded? Let's say you convinced her that her entire set of religious beliefs are total crap. You'd have taken away one of the very few things this woman has going for her. Come on, she's recently divorced with THREE children and the best thing should could land for a Friday night is an internet net with someone like you. Clearly, she doesn't have much going for her. Let her keep her Jesus and believe that her unfortunate life and cheating husband is part of some great master plan.
Having said that, parts of this did make me chuckle.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
severe lack of intelligence in reviews below
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:12:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so it's okay to have a guy suck your dick, but not okay to perfume your dick with the scent of his colon?
excellent.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
See, I was going to go for butt but that made me look extremely gay.
Man sticking penis in another man's ass > Man sticking penis in another man's mouth
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
goddamn slow typing making my joke the loser before i hit submit.
i was initially going to go for mouth as well, but thought 'butt' had a certain charm that just made it work better.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:05:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
he left semen in your ass?
anyway, thanks for the answer, queer.
i'm done with this topic for the day, however.
i like it better when we just say nasty things to each other. let's mainly stick with that.
also, the safety word is now 'energy'
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Go on a date with this Raptor Jesus guy.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:00:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BTW Sicosemen is gay I have proof.
=======
Didn't wash your mouth yet?
OH SNAP. ZING!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, I'm not a good talker.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
God, in this case, being a gym sock on a penis, of course.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:03:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
On a side note, the concept of prayer in and of itself pisses me off, as we are essentially telling God, for example, "Dude, you gave my dad cancer - you made a mistake, and I'm asking you to fix it", which implies that God is flawed and capable of change, and we are questioning his judgments as to why this happened, which is just FUCKED. It's pretty fucking bold of us to ask God to undo what he did, as if we know better than him.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anal Bum Cover for $200, Alex.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-08 17:00:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BTW Sicosemen is gay I have proof.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-08 15:33:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ps, save the vitriol and the insult flinging.
_______________________
Fuck you idiot.
Ok Scourge if you can be bothered enough to read this and ask a serious question then here's your answer:
Every single quark, string (if you're into that sort of theory), atom, photon, molecule and any quantum of matter emits a vibration of energy. If something is not emitting energy then it cannot contain or contribute to life. Examples: Galaxies and organic molecules. This goes for thought (as a substance) and the spiritual realm - which is a subject for an entirely different conversation.
But I see you raise your hand, o daft student of false arts, and say, "But what about black holes and dark matter? What about objects at absolute zero which radiate absolutely no energy at all?"
Black holes are voids. Nothing exists in them. To think of a black hole singularity as an existing 'thing', you've assigned existence to a word and not an object.
Dark matter appears to have MASS but not radiation; it can't even contain light.
Objects at absolute zero are theoretical.
Here's the important part: Because where there is no energy there can be no life, AND because God is only realized through a living thing (i.e. humans or sentient humanoids), energy = God.
Clear enough?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:59:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do I actually find myself in some form of agreement with scrooge?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was sweating profusely throughout that entire review.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
my guess is that in real life method is able to maintain a serious demeanor for about as long as he does here on uber. 15 minutes tops, eh?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I have my sock back now?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:56:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have a belly button
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:52:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG, METHOD JUST OUTED HIMSELF AS OATHMEAL BY ANSWERING THEQUESTION WITH THE WRONG ACCOUNT
-2S FOREVER YOU GODDAMN HOMO
all kidding aside...using the term 'God' in the first place is unnecessary in that explantion, popadopolous.
what you are attempting to describe isn't necessarily 'God', rather it is the entirety of reality. it's cosmos, time, the whole enchilada...
i appreciate what you offer below, and i suppose i can understand what the ginger was going for, but using the term God at all in this instance is of no use to people like the woman he describes nor to LTap who had to come back and say 'aha, you believe in God after all -2 die'. using like terminology with an individual who has concrete ideas about that terminology and the concepts it represents to them only leads to further breakdowns in understanding and communication.
what you offered isn't necessarily a 'God' concept as understood by this woman so much as it is an existence concept. he was trying to argue against her belief in that anthropomorphic God figure, but in doing so used her language without qualifying what he meant.
either way.
good show.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Method, I think what you meant was "Mmmm, the lamb on the spit is ready. Who wants gyros?"
Or, alternatively giving god--a concept--a form is purely a means of labeling an unknown. The variable of god is a limiting factor on humans and the people who subscribe to the theorem of a god use it as an excuse to explain what they don't know.
Which is why when I'm asked how I stand on religion I get naked and dance. DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION party at my house tonight! Bring Salsa <----get it, do you?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think some people would appreciate FTW's review more if they knew that he was a persecuted homosexual. I think.
Scourge, from a philosophical point of view, the concept of God (as energy) isn't limited to the anthropomorphic ideal that humans have given to "him", which is where I believe the confusion to his comment stems from. God is infinite and perfect and nothing exists outside of him, so in essence he is everything, all around us, pure energy. We just put a face on "him" to make ourselves feel better and drag the concept of God into our world of the finite. Our minds are too limited to describe the concept of God properly, so terms like "energy" help things along a bit.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:15:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder what she would think of my bumper sticker? or the FSM logo I just ordered to go beside it
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-03-08 16:08:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whatever scourge. You lot are the biggest bunch of bible-bashing christian fundamentalists on the planet, and a constant source of mirth and good natured derision for the rest of us.
American in pub: You boys know God's real right?
Austrailians: [looking at each other and slowly lowering beers] erm...sure he is chucky.
I love how christians believe in jesus but not santy claus.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-03-08 15:54:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-08 15:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-03-08 14:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clearly you are wrong, the only reason you were able to argue so strongly against her was because she isn't properly educated on the subject of Christianity.
The only reason the bible is so hard to interpret is because God created it that way to test our faith. If the bible was a step by step picture book, everyone would be getting into heaven, and then it wouldn't be a cool exclusive club anymore.
-------------
Wow. Wow.
Also, I'm retracting my +2 because, as scourge pointed out (and I failed to notice) you do believe in some form of God.
The truth - there is no truth. Why should we ascribe meaning to things that are completely random and pointless, such as ourselves? There ultimately is no meaning to life, it's just fun to live.
_____________
I'm glad I've awed you with these indisputable facts. Stick around for my next chapter on a lack of vacancy in Hell resulting in God sending Jesus to die for our sins.
Seriously, do you know how hard it was to be Christian before Christ? Back then they were just Ians, and they all went to hell because no one died for their sins yet.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-08 15:52:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i...uh...i think you guys are misreading ftw's real feelings in that review he left.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-08 15:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, potpartner.com.
And congrats on moving out of ATL. I lived in downtown for about 2 years, and it is mostly a cesspool of humanity. I mean people don't even have a problem with shitting in the middle of the street there!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-03-08 15:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-03-08 14:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clearly you are wrong, the only reason you were able to argue so strongly against her was because she isn't properly educated on the subject of Christianity.
The only reason the bible is so hard to interpret is because God created it that way to test our faith. If the bible was a step by step picture book, everyone would be getting into heaven, and then it wouldn't be a cool exclusive club anymore.
----------------------------
<blinks>
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-08 15:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-03-08 14:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clearly you are wrong, the only reason you were able to argue so strongly against her was because she isn't properly educated on the subject of Christianity.
The only reason the bible is so hard to interpret is because God created it that way to test our faith. If the bible was a step by step picture book, everyone would be getting into heaven, and then it wouldn't be a cool exclusive club anymore.
-------------
Wow. Wow.
Also, I'm retracting my +2 because, as scourge pointed out (and I failed to notice) you do believe in some form of God.
The truth - there is no truth. Why should we ascribe meaning to things that are completely random and pointless, such as ourselves? There ultimately is no meaning to life, it's just fun to live.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-08 15:33:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ps, save the vitriol and the insult flinging. i would seriously like an explanation or some rationale for that statement.
it just seems that making a blind statement of that sort while trying to take apart this woman's proclamations of the same nature is a little silly.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-08 15:25:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
God is energy?
Saying 'God is energy' is about as meaningful as saying 'God is love' or 'God is a magic sky fairy with a big white beard and lightning bolts at the ready for chucking about.'
Please do elaborate on this ever so fascinating theory of yours. But keep in mind that saying 'It's beyond your comprehension' or anything else of that nature puts you in the same class as those you would attempt to ridicule (using your Socratic Dialectic, of course) for saying that belief in God required nothing more than faith. I.e., it's a weak way to get out of explaining a ridiculous and unfounded belief or statement.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-03-08 14:56:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clearly you are wrong, the only reason you were able to argue so strongly against her was because she isn't properly educated on the subject of Christianity.
The only reason the bible is so hard to interpret is because God created it that way to test our faith. If the bible was a step by step picture book, everyone would be getting into heaven, and then it wouldn't be a cool exclusive club anymore.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-08 14:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-03-08 14:17:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
post good, date ok.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-03-08 13:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-08 13:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good post
BAD date.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-03-08 13:31:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm. I like to tell the holier than thous who don't listen to facts and science and smart stuff what is what when it comes to this subject too but then I think about my sweet as pumkin pie grandmother and I think "man she would shit a brick if she heard me" and she's sweet as pumpkin pie. I would rather let the ignorance go as I probably won't say anything to change this persons mind and what do I have to prove to them anyway. Nothing is the answer. I have nothing to prove to them. Their day will come, or not really not my place to say either way. I'll leave that up to energy.
p.s. TALLADEGA
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-03-08 13:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love messin with Bible-Thumpers. they are so easy to piss off. start talkin about how jeebus was just a regular dude and they foam at the mouth.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-03-08 13:20:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually enjoyed this.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-08 13:08:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God Bless Spinoza = )~
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-03-08 12:41:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God bless the human mind. And uncool songs.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-08 11:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
P.S. Get your weight up, not your hate up.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-08 11:58:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, you are a fat ass.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-08 11:51:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What really happened was that you imagined this scenario and then thought: "I'll make a post on uber where I'll use my philosophy vocab sheet because I have no idea what good my degree is and I'll never use it, my life is boring, haven't had sex....keyboard sticky.........must. lift. weights. to. prove. ME. MAN.... RAWAAAAWR!"
SPOT ON, Iris.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-03-08 11:47:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Celeste: "Why are you such a fucking prick?"
Oathy: "That's not very Christian to say."
Celeste: "I don't care."
Oathy: "Jesus would."
Celeste: "Take me home."
--
ha
Submitted by nathanscivic (user info) at 2008-03-08 11:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Celeste: "Why are you such a fucking prick?"
Oathy: "That's not very Christian to say."
Celeste: "I don't care."
But remember she's an intelligent Christian.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-08 11:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You both suck and kick ass at the same time. I don't see how that's possible, it's a paradox.