It's EI's thrilling tale of unexpected horror! (703 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.5 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (View user info) at 2008-03-10 05:33:04 EDT
Contained below is a tale that may disturb current users of Uber.
Welcome once again to an exciting story brought to you by a true enigma.
Five months ago, Mr EmissionImpossible met a lovely lady, everything was going swimmingly. Romance, laughs, I believed myself to of found a spell for love, a potion for satisfaction. I felt sick when I first met her, scared and desperate - all within seconds. I couldn't have believed that someone could shake me so violently - except that I could see myself shaking. Yet amazingly, I was on 'auto pilot' within less than a minute. My heart was beating so loudly that I wondered if this was the funkiest dream of all time.
Anyway a few months down the line it descended into a normal relationship of bickering, nagging and begging for a few moments alone to watch 'duck tales' I was desperate for an everyday daring good luck tale involving the danger that was facing this brave ducks. You do know they are out every day making these duck tales.
Anyway where was I.
Oh yeah so I met this girl, lets call her 'Suzie'. After settling into our relationship we start meeting friends and family (not my idea) I mean why on earth does she have to meet my mum, she's not gonna make her banoffee pie. Now since the beginning of our realtionship Suzies sister, hmm lets call her the 'evil ginger elf' took an instant dislike to me. It's ok she has mental issues, depression and general grumpiness.
To bond us Suzie set up a 'Wii night'
There we are, the three of us. Suzie, EI and the women who had only said one word to me previously in 5 months, her evil ginger elf of a sister whom rents a room in her house.
Eventually came the game I had been looking forward too, boxing. Man Versus Ginger Elf. This was huge. Hopping from foot to foot the game was on.......
The first two rounds were mostly cat and mouse with both fighters feeling each other out and getting in a few decent shots. Elfy threw some neat combinations and seemed to have taken control by the end of round two. In the third round is when it happened. We come out of a clinch and as Elfy set herself then moved forward to throw a telegraphed looping right. I got there first unleashing a short and vicious right uppercut which hit Elfy at the point of her chin. You could hear the blow back in the kitchen.
Elfy hit the canvas as if she had been hit with a ten gauge shotgun........and that's when what started out to be a pleasant evening of manly fun became something else. As she landed on her back it happened.
I jigged like a suprised Leprachaun from foot to foot and dropped the controller to the floor when The evil elf shouted at me.
'I cant believe you did that' she shouted
'what?? it's a game! Lets have another game'
Kapppoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
She slapped me, elfy had slapped me. Suzie went mental shouting at her sister and the evening had descended into a redneck row. I pulled Suzie away and we retreated upstairs leaving her sister bawling like a bear with a sore paw.
Thats why you should never play video games with girls.
User Reviews
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-11 11:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
EI is not happy.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-11 08:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-11 03:12:14 GMT (#)
Ranking: -2
i don't dig on third person shite motherfucker
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They say referring to yourself in the third person is an early sign of madness.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-11 04:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
pah, I dont have any idea how to write in the third person, that was just luck.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-10 23:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i don't dig on third person shite motherfucker
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-10 19:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I haven't been slapped by a woman since the last time I said, "Damn it's cold, I'm wearing long johns and I still have shrinkage...but it's still 98 degrees in your mouth!"
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 17:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks hell man, should i be scared?
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-10 16:16:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaand 3.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-10 16:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-10 16:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, this kicked the SHIT out of my video game post.
I bow to your greatness sir. I will give this 3 +2's.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-03-10 15:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
everytime i see "EI" in a title it reminds me of the QB Eli, and that puts me in the wrong state of mind to be reviewing posts.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 12:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the annoying thing is I still wanna see her boobs, is that wrong?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-10 12:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On a sensible note, her sister sounds like a crazy bitch and will probably plague your relationship with constant allegations you hit on her at every opportunity.
What ever, i put money on it she will cause more grief than you can imagine :( Take a contract out on the psycho and be done with it.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-10 12:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU HIT GIRLS.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 12:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hmmm you can ride her all you want, but bring a paper bag.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-03-10 12:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 10:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh and i will not shag her!! However i could do an auction on here for her......hmmmmm that wont put my relationship in jeopardy. would it?
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pix fist dude, wont buy a car until i can see and drive it it.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-10 10:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ohh you. You should have known women can't do anything civilised. They're too unstable, and would be better off in a cage until we need them.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-10 10:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you could alter the ending so you have a sticky threesome, that would be thrilling.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 10:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh and i will not shag her!! However i could do an auction on here for her......hmmmmm that wont put my relationship in jeopardy. would it?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 10:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oi yozz!! why would you of slapped me you kinky beast
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-10 10:18:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would have slapped you too - BEFORE we started playing.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-03-10 10:15:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She secretly fancies you so hides behind a pretense of hatred. Give a good portion EM.
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shag her!
shag her now!!
you can then compare which sister is better.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-10 09:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I never play video games with women as a rule if there's any kind of competition involved, they seem to have trouble disassociating real life from what's on the screen.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 09:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-03-10 13:28:49 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, and it was a serious question you fuckface. For my personal reference
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I love it when a girl taks dirty to me.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 09:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-10 12:29:35 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah that's fine mate. Maybe there is a beautiful flower inside her just waiting to come out, if not I have a heavy Spade that will probably do the trick
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I hear she has a very big spade
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-03-10 09:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, and it was a serious question you fuckface. For my personal reference.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 09:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-10 12:29:16 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where are the thrills I was promised in the title?
I am amused, but unthrilled.
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:( what was there not to be thrilled about?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:29:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah that's fine mate. Maybe there is a beautiful flower inside her just waiting to come out, if not I have a heavy Spade that will probably do the trick.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where are the thrills I was promised in the title?
I am amused, but unthrilled.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i have given her your email addy if thats ok?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ewwwwww!!!! Run away Em, run far, far away!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
she looks like that bird from that shit BBC 2 comedy gimme gimme gimme.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And make sure you dont breed with your current girlfriend, as she will be a carrier.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is she one of the nice Gingers? Or one of the manky ones? If it is the latter make sure you decontaminate yourself afterwards.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
will do Drogo!! she is very ginger though.
and Emily that was just setting the scene you dumb waste of a cunt.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She secretly fancies you so hides behind a pretense of hatred. Give a good portion EM.
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I mean, are you serious about that part?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:14:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-03-10 10:47:08 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
I felt sick when I first met her, scared and desperate - all within seconds.
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Is that real?
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What..... the fuck are you on about?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 08:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck of bellend you cunt, wow thats kinda surreal
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-10 07:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You should've tried to make this funny.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-03-10 07:04:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm not going to read this for fear of catching your gay
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-03-10 06:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I felt sick when I first met her, scared and desperate - all within seconds.
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Is that real?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-10 06:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is just because I like the idea of someone beating you up. Specifically, a girl.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 05:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ho hum, i have missed uber.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 05:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
im ill off work.......
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-10 05:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmm this hasn't disturbed anyone