Shield Land Chapter 3 (1 of 2) (287 hits)
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Submitted by Registered_S_O (View user info) at 2008-03-10 23:26:56 EDT
Chapter 3
Minska's vision cleared as he somersaulted through the air. He landed on his back with a hard thump, a few feet in front of a galloping horse. The horse reared up on its hind legs, neighing loudly at the unexpected obstacle. Minska saw a figure land gracefully behind the rearing horse through the afterimage of that white light. He quickly rolled out of the way as the horse came down on all fours, still agitated from Minska's sudden appearance.
Minska, now on his hands and knees, heard a sword being drawn from its scabbard as he was rubbing dust from his eyes. He looked up to the point of a sword. His gaze trailed along the length of steel until it fell upon the bluest eyes he had ever seen.
Strands of long, flowing red hair the color of sunset flicked across a beautiful face of confusion and worry. Those blue eyes, framed with a head of red hair made for a perfect combination Minska thought.
She was tall; maybe a quarter of a foot shorter than Minska himself. The scabbard she had on, cinched at her waist over a blue and green dress with designs Minska thought he recognized, looked as if it was a part of her.
"What...how did you get here?" the woman questioned in an almost musical chime.
"I'm not sure." Minska replied cautiously, a hundred questions swirling in his head.
He slowly began to rise to his feet, the sword tip following but a hairsbreadth away from his nose. He wanted to ask where he was and why he wasn't dead. Instead, he decided to start out with something simple.
"What's your name?"
The woman stood motionless, sword held tensely in hands that looked as soft as silk. She silently mouthed his question, as if tasting words uttered by some strange beast.
"My name is Minska." Minska stated, carefully offering his hand.
"Gilena." The woman responded, her sword never wavering an inch.
Gilena. A name nearly as beautiful as its owner Minska thought to himself.
As the moments began to drag on, Minska started to feel slightly uncomfortable. Him, standing with his arms held out in a non-threatening posture. Her, holding a sword in his face, ready to thrust at the smallest sign of danger. It was completely ridiculous. From one insane situation to another. How Mikalik would laugh, Minska mused silently. Mikalik. With his smile evaporating like water thrown on a large fire, Minska suddenly spun around, looking for his attackers.
He was surprised that the meadow behind him continued for as far as he could see. He took a couple of steps forward, and was stopped by Gilena grasping his hand. Softer than silk he decided.
"To go through the barrier means death." Gilena said slowly, returning her sword to its scabbard.
She must have decided that Minska was no threat to her.
"I came through it didn't I? I should be able to go back."
Minska wasn't entirely sure of that himself. When he was a boy, he witnessed someone accidentally stepping through the shield. Their body, most of the flesh melting off it, was thrown back with great force. That person had barely made it into the shield before being killed. Minska could still remember the terror he felt during the ensuing weeks of nightmares.
He released Gilena's hand, taking several deep breaths in order to prepare himself. His entire life, he was taught to never go into the shield. It was certain death to enfold one's self in the power that separated the kingdoms throughout Brista. He had made it through though. As far as he knew, he was the only person alive to have ever done that.
He took a few steps towards the boundary, tensing his muscles as he readied himself. Gilena reached out, than let her hand drop, allowing Minska to go on. When he was at the cusp of where the shield began, he paused for a moment, committing himself to the task of taking another step. Minska took that step and bumped his nose into what felt like a glass wall. He reached up and felt along the shield. It was completely solid.
Gilena came up on his left side with a look of wonder. She reached her hand near Minska's, and it passed clean through the shield. Her entire hand and part of her arm seemed to disappear. Minska pressed against the part of the shield that enveloped Gilena's hand, yet he still could not pass through.
"I'd say about another foot in, and I would melt." Gilena said with a faraway look in her eyes. "I once saw a man, mad with the confines of the shield, try to pass through. He stuck his leg in first, like he was testing the waters. As soon as he was in as far as his mid-calf, his flesh sloshed right off his bones. His death scream still sends shivers through me whenever I recall that day."
Gilena withdrew her hand and turned away. Minska turned away as well, not sure what to do next. As he stood in a beautiful meadow with the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on, his hometown was burning to the ground. He couldn't seem to swallow past the lump that was forming in his throat. He began to feel sick as he thought of Haddon's parting words. He worried for Mikalik, with all those soldiers chasing after him. He thought of his mother, and wondered if he would ever see her again. He didn't know if he would ever see his world again. The implications of where he was were staggering. He didn't know what he should do. He was as trapped as a person could be.
"Where am I? What is this place called?" he asked Gilena, gesturing to the center of the land.
"You're on the outskirts of the forgotten land of Furylin." Gilena said softly, looking up at Minska.
Furylin. Minska felt as if he had just been given a blow to the head. Furylin. A name that stirred things in a dark corner of his soul. Thoughts, emotions, and ideas that felt tantalizing close on the edge of recollection began to surface. He felt love, hate, loss and betrayal coursing through him teasingly like a lover's embrace. Or perhaps death's. As quickly as the torrent of emotion started within him, it was gone, leaving only a lingering trace that it was ever there at all. Even that faded away.
"Are you ok?" Gilena asked, steadying Minska with a light touch on his arm.
"I'm fine. Furylin, so that's the name of this land." Minska began, trying to recall anything he could of the land he had grown up next to.
Not many people knew anything about the lands within the shields, only that there should be some kingdom of old there. Those who knew a little more knew only that all the kingdoms of the land had a barrier placed over them a thousand years ago. Each kingdom was essentially cut off from each other.
No one knew how or why the barriers were set up, or the events that led up to the shielding. Most people thought it was business of the Forerunners, and they were happy to leave it at that. Minska figured that in the thousand years since the shielding happened, with every generation, the truth was lost in the waves of time. Now, aside from some legends and folklore, no one knew anything about that time so long ago. The forgotten land Gilena had said. What a fitting name Minska thought with a grim smile.
He took a few steps away from the shield, turning away from his past. He tried to think of what he would do next, but he was completely stumped. Hopelessness began to settle over Minska like a fine blanket of snow over the fields during winter's height. He was aware of Gilena watching him with those gorgeous blue eyes, a tinge of wonder still etched in them at the stranger before her.
Minska was interrupted from his thoughts by the sound of distant rumbling. He looked up to see nearly a dozen riders, dressed in gleaming armor, heading towards Gilena and him. From their distance and speed, Minska guessed the riders would be before him within minutes.
"The Queen's Furyriders." Gilena said, a hint of anger in both her features and voice.
"Queen's Furyriders. Are they enemies of yours?" Minska asked, sensing the rising agitation in Gilena as the riders came closer.
"Not precisely enemies." Gilena responded heatedly, a small amount of color in her cheeks.
Minska wondered about Gilena's comment, but not for long as the riders finally approached, stopping their mounts before Minska. He saw more than a few wary soldiers ideally caressing the hilts of well-made swords. The leader of the group swung his leg over his horse's neck, and dropped down to the ground with a heavy thud. His polished silver armband had various designs etched into them. He removed his helmet, freeing a mane of long, straight black hair with strands of gray flecked throughout. His jaw was clean-shaven, with eyes dark and a gaze that seemed to sum up Minska with a quick perusal. Gilena stepped forward, starting on how she was out riding, when the soldier stepped forward and gave Minska a small nod of the head.
"My name is Kosh, Captain of the Queen's personal guard. Who might you be?" Kosh said in a polite but formal tone.
Minska hesitated a moment, glancing at Gilena who was off a bit to the right, indignant at the soldier's rude behavior toward her. He took a step forward, extending his hand to Kosh.
"My name is Minska." Minska began, grasping hands with Kosh. "I'm from the city of Cyntha, a few miles away on the other side of this shield. I was captured by soldiers who were looting and burning my city. They brought me to the edge of the shield, and pushed me through, expecting me to have a painful death. Instead, I emerged on this side of the shield, nearly trampled by her horse."
The Captain ripped his hand away from Minska's grasp as if he had just been holding a viper, and took several steps back to his men. The rest of the soldiers dismounted and broke into worried whispering, one even drawing his sword.
Minska stood there, outwardly calm, suppressing his fear of what was happening to his home, as the soldiers spoke in hushed tones. He watched as Gilena walked over and began tending to her horse, whispering soothing words to the animal as she made sure its harness was secure. She had her back to Minska and the soldiers, a slight stiffness to her shoulders. Minska thought it prudent to let the matter drop.
The soldiers finally settled down after a sharp order from Kosh. The Captain approached Minska and appraised him for a moment, this time taking more than a quick perusal of him.
"You shall be a guest of the Queen at her palace. We would like you to attend an audience with her immediately." Kosh said in more of a statement than a request. Polite indeed.
Minska nodded woodenly, numbness beginning to settle over him. He didn't have it in him to marvel at the wonder of being told he would have an audience with a queen. What good would a queen on her throne in a forgotten land do when Mikalik was running for his life from a gang of savages?
The soldiers began to remount, preparing for the journey back to the palace. Minska watched as Gilena mounted her horse and started off in the direction she was originally going before Minska appeared. Minska briefly wondered if she was fleeing a gang of savages herself. Pushing thoughts of a mysterious girl out of his head, Minska accepted Kosh's offer to walk with him while the other soldiers followed behind.
"What's she heading into?" Minska questioned, pointing to what looked like a hill made of dirt.
Gilena was on the far side of the hill, her horse at a walk as it went into the underbelly of the mound. Kosh was silent for a moment, watching the path he walked closely. He seemed to be choosing his words carefully. Minska thought Kosh might not answer, but finally he did.
"That is the entrance to the underground kingdom." Kosh said slowly, giving a sideways glance to Minska.
"Underground kingdom?" Minska prodded.
"It is written that within the first few decades after the isolation, some people were dissatisfied with the way the crown ran the kingdom. Because of that, a new kingdom was formed deep underground."
"A bunch of damned moles." a soldier in the back snickered.
"I would recommend you not going near that entrance, or the other one on the opposite side of the shield." Kosh finished in a stern tone.
Minska nodded, not really caring about a forgotten land's social problems.
With the sun high overhead, Minska saw in the distance a large structure. It soared skyward, massive compared to the tiny specks that surrounded it. Minska figured it to be a castle, just like the ones Mikalik used to tell him stories about.
The rest of the journey towards the castle went on in silence. Minska noticed most of the soldiers casting glances at both him and the direction of the shield from which he had entered. More than one had a look in his eyes that said should the need arise, violence would be used quickly and efficiently. Minska didn't really blame the soldiers: he was a stranger who made his way into a land that should be impossible to get to. Only Kosh seemed to be completely at ease with Minska's presence. Minska thought that with the way that Kosh walked, one hand grasping the familiar pommel of his sword, that he had no reason to be nervous around Minska.
As they made their way closer to town, the rugged grassland they were traveling through became row upon row of farmland. The farms ringed the outside of town in either direction for as far as Minska could see. At even intervals between the farms were large, paved roads that connected to the main thoroughfares within the city. Minska had seen one of these roads near the area he arrived in after coming through the shield.
He could remember ruins of a road leading into the shield. When he was a child, he would sometimes daydream that a mighty empire lay on the other side of the road. He'd have these fanciful ideas of knights on large warhorses, ready to fight and die in service to their people. Enemies would tremble in fear at the might of a kingdom as noble as this one. How close the truth might be, or perhaps how far, to his boyhood imagination surprised Minska.
User Reviews
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-13 04:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like your two recommendations for the change of dialogue. I will take those. Also, I think I will add a bit of something about the shield earlier on.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-03-12 08:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A couple of flow suggestions: "The forgotten land Gilena had said. What a fitting name Minska thought with a grim smile." Those two sentences read awkwardly for me. I think you should put commas in there, to put a reader's pause in between the mental dialogue and the narration. E.g. "The forgotten land, Gilena had said. What a fitting name, Minska thought." Actually, you could even leave out the "Minska thought" because you've already established he's thinking in the previous sentence. A character's inner train of thought is also a good place to use italics.
One other thing: "How close the truth might be, or perhaps how far, to his boyhood imagination surprised Minska." That's an awkward sentence -- it reads better as "How close the truth might be to his boyhood imagination, or how far, surprised Minska."
As for the rest of it, I agree with Circe. I know you said you want people to be surprised by the big twist, but I wasn't surprised as much as I was incredibly confused. When the commander says "Throw him in" at the end of your last post, I assumed he meant into some sort of pen or mobile jail, not a magical shield barrier that has never really been mentioned before. I was so confused by how this installment started, that I stopped reading, checked if I had missed an installment, went back to your last installment to refresh my memory of how it ended, and then came back and continued reading. You generally don't want to make your readers do things like that. Also, you kind of robbed yourself of a tense moment in the last installment, when they were throwing Minska into the shield. As readers we could have been worried for Minska, or wondering what could happen to him; but the way you did it we didn't even know he was in trouble at all.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-11 03:10:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and thanks for the link.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-11 03:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-03-11 03:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Although, you know, you really should have mentioned the shield thing BEFORE throwing your main character through one.
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First and foremost Circe, I'd like to say thanks for saying this is well done. If you were able to appreciate what I wrote, and find some enjoyment from it, then I am glad.
The only mention of the shield is during the prologue when Portis is musing about how "all the kingdoms have been cut off from each other" (paraphrasing). I know thats barely a mention, but I want people to feel captivated by chapter 3. I want the reader to say "fuckin' eh" when they get to this huge twist.
Personally, I feel this is where my deviation from standard fantasy starts. I have another 3 chapters after this one coming, and am working on more.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-03-11 03:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Although, you know, you really should have mentioned the shield thing BEFORE throwing your main character through one.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-03-11 02:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/79683
There's the post you're looking for.
This series is pretty decent. Well done.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-11 02:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My e-mail is fminska.at.yahoo.com i case anyone cares. If no one cares then disregard this.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-03-10 23:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2LOLTITLE
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-10 23:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I typoed my own title. Fuck.
On a side note, there was this really good post on here I read a while back. It was some guy writing about his friend (dave?) who had pancreatic cancer. In the post he used the phrase "my-friend-dave-what-has-type-two-inoperable-pancreatic-cancer." If anyone is familiar with that post, please post a link. I need to plus two that and read it again.