Shielded Land Chapter 3 (2 of 2) (253 hits)
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Submitted by Registered_S_O (View user info) at 2008-03-13 04:13:35 EDT
As Minska and the soldiers entered into the city on one of its main roads, people were busy going about their lives. Men were in the streets, calling out their wares which were prominently displayed on handcarts. A fabric shop with tables showcasing tools of the trade had an old, squat woman finely dressed in dazzling silks beckoning people in.
When they got to the intersection of a street cutting through this road in a half circle, Minska saw that the intersecting street continued both ways for as far as he could see, similar to the way the farms ringed the city. Their current course led them into a large city square. A fountain bigger than any Minska had ever seen stood in the center of the square. The fountain was made of marble, with statues of men atop horses in different poses, water pouring out of the horses' mouth. A large statue of a sword set up in the center had a stream of water shooting high into the air. The water would stream down in a dazzling display in the afternoon sunlight. There were stations spaced out around the fountain where people were filling buckets and water skins. Minska couldn't help but stare at the ingenuity of making available so much water to such a large city.
Back home, water was not so readily available. A mechanism where you could pump water out of the lake was set up, but you had to be at the lake to use it. There were no natural resources nearby that could be used to make aqua ducts. Mikalik had taught him what aqua ducts were. The lake was nearly a mile away from Cyntha, so retrieving water was a daily chore. The Tumbra brothers had a lucrative water delivery business set up. They had four large draft horses attached to a long wagon they used to haul barrels of water from the lake. They would fill empty casks up with water and make the arduous journey back to town. Mostly the inns and stables would pay the brothers to have water delivered. Sometimes families with a little more coin than most would pay to have water brought to their doorstep. It was the splintered wreckage of those same wagons that Minska helped Mikalik to remove from those buildings.
Minska couldn't muster any more sadness as he thought about those destroyed wagons of the Tumbra brothers. At least one of those friendly brothers was always near their wagons during their downtime, sometimes both. Minska figured both brothers were near that wagon when it was destroyed. He said a short farewell to the Tumbra brothers as he continued on with the soldiers.
Minska stared straight ahead as he and the soldiers started through the wealthier part of the city.
He didn't really see the ridiculously larges palaces, with pillars of red and white marble supporting massive balconies that overlooked the street below. He barely paid any mind to the finely dressed men and women who were in small groups throughout the street, talking quietly amongst themselves. Whenever someone's gaze fell on the soldiers with their charge, they would quickly look away and head off in a different direction.
Soon they came upon a checkpoint of soldiers standing at attention before a raised drawbridge. The drawbridge was larger than anything man-made Minska had ever seen. Fifty men could have comfortably walked side by side down it. It was half again as tall and looked as if great care was taken to preserve it.
A complicated arrangement of levers and pulleys were set up on the side of the bridge. Large mechanical wheels, with spokes longer than most men were tall, were positioned on either side of the bridge. With a nod from Kosh, the leader of the soldiers guarding the bridge and a few of his men began the process of lowering it. Four men, taller than Minska by a foot or more, emerged from the soldiers shack at the sound of levers being pulled. They paired off and each group of two went to the wheels. With muscles bulky from years of turning those huge wheels, the soldiers began their task. Even with most of the weight of the bridge being handled by the pulleys, each man broke into a sweat as they slowly lowered the bridge.
With a mixture of curiosity and anxiousness, along with the ever-present despair, Minska stood in the center of the path to the bridge as it was lowered. With the first few feet of the bridge coming down, Minska could make out the precursor to a grand structure. As the drawbridge slowly continued its descent, Minska was struck with such amazement at what he was seeing that he momentarily forgot his despair.
Before him stood a castle grander than anything he could previously conceive of. This sprawling structure of stone and steel covered more ground than the entire city of Cyntha. A pointed, circular tower in the center of the castle rose so high in the air that Minska doubted if birds ever ventured that far up to perch on its pointed, cone roof. The bottom of the roof hung a little in front of the top window, probably to prevent downpours of rain or snow from entering the room there. The body of the tower was longer than even the drawbridge. It stood out proudly, atop the roof that was in the shape of a large rectangle. Six square towers with flat roofs, one at each corner of the castle and one in between each on the longest sides of the structure rose about halfway up the length of the center tower. Pennants hanging on each of the six towers flapped lazily in the breeze.
Areas around the castle on either side were set up for training. Minska saw young men under the supervision of older soldiers training in a variety of weapons. Swords, spears, battle-axes, and quarterstaff's were just some of the weapons young men were being trained in the art of.
Minska felt insignificant compared to the sheer size and scope of the castle before him. His feeling of insignificance didn't dispel him from appreciating the magical sight.
"Castle Furylin." Kosh said, coming up on the side of Minska and clapping him good-naturedly on the shoulder.
"It's...huge." Minska stammered, at a loss for words to describe the grandiose sight.
"The castle has served as the stronghold for the Queen's of Furylin for two thousand years." Kosh began, a twinkle in his eye as he gazed at his home.
"Castle Furylin was originally built for the first Queen of Furylin. It is believed that the Forerunners themselves built this castle, and that they imbued it with specials magic's."
"What type of magical powers did the Forerunners so graciously bestow upon this castle?" Minska asked, his sense of awe wearing off to the familiar despair.
"Mind your tongue boy." A grizzled soldier growled, giving Minska a dangerous look.
Minska just stared blankly, nothing in his features indicating if he recognized the threat from the soldier or not. With a pointed look from Kosh, the soldier cooled his temper and turned his gaze back on the castle.
"The castle has stood for two thousand years." Kosh said, not put off in the least by Minska's sarcasm. "In all that time, none of the materials that make up the castle have needed any maintenance. The stone, marble, even small pieces of metal that make up joints for the doors have never deteriorated. In addition, not a single attack in this castle's history has ever managed to breach its walls. Protection magics I'd guess." Kosh finished with a smile.
Minska formed a new healthy respect for the castle, and for the excited Queen's guard on the side of him. For a man not quite in his middle years, his excitement about a topic he liked made him seem almost childlike. Minska amended that thought when he took in the sight of Kosh who looked as if he was one with his blade. Childlike with deadly abilities.
Following the captains lead, Minska and the soldiers started towards the castle. Despite the plodding footsteps of the soldiers' horses, the drawbridge remained perfectly steady. Minska was grateful for that as he scanned the depths of the moat below him.
It was a long fall into the water from the top of the bridge. With the clarity of the water, Minska could see jagged fingers of rock shooting upwards towards the surface. The moat was so wide that Minska doubted if anyone could ever construct something adequate to get a large group of people across. At least they couldn't if they were in any sort of rush.
Dotted around the perimeter of the moat were barracks filled with soldiers. They had a look of wary watchfulness about them. Minska found such vigilance of their stronghold strange since the entire kingdom was cut off from the outside world.
It was a ten-minute walk to the entrance to the castle. The gates were wide open, revealing a scene of soldiers and cleaning staff scurrying back and forth with purpose. With the enormity of the castle, Minska could only guess at the difficulty of running such a large place.
"Soldier, inform the Queen that we are here for an audience." Kosh said, waving off one of the gate guards.
"Yes sir!" the soldier replied, excited at being given a task.
"Follow me Minska. Soldiers! Disperse!" Kosh finished in a bellow.
The soldiers on horseback that had served as Minska's escort began to dismount and head off in different directions. Minska had to crane his neck as he and Kosh headed through the gates in order to better see the massive portcullis overhead. If the gates were shut and the portcullis dropped, Minska couldn't imagine anyone ever breaching its door.
The interior of the castle was nearly as impressive as the outside was. Minska was in a large square courtyard made of incredibly polished stone. Spiral stairways of marble leading up to higher levels were spaced out around the walls. Each stairway had a platform at each floor it reached. Minska counted eight levels. Several flights of stairs ran directly to the ledge of the castle's walls. Soldiers high above were manning those walls, keeping an ever-vigilant watch on the ground below. There was a main thoroughfare that led into another courtyard that looked larger than the one Minska was standing in.
Kosh led Minska past a small tavern with soldiers who were enjoying a drink. Each soldier offered Kosh a small greeting; a nod of the head, an offer for a drink, one soldier even went as far as to bow, if a little drunkenly. Kosh returned each greeting in kind, bowing even lower to the drunken soldier amidst laughter from the rest of the men.
"You're rather popular with the soldiers." Minska stated.
"Being Captain of the Queen's Furyriders has required me at times to handle the main forces. When you lead many men to victory, that has a way of making you a lot of friends. Kosh replied, stopping short at the tower entrance.
Minska thought that such a boastful remark would seem prideful, on the borders of arrogance even. Oddly enough, from Kosh, it sounded simply as if he was stating that dinner would be ready soon. Minska wondered what sort of victory these men had been previously led to, but he kept such questions to himself.
Before Minska was a resplendent door with many exotic gems decorating its frame. The metal was a light shade of gray that gleamed in the sunlight. Half a dozen soldiers stood in front of its doors, engaged in quiet conversation. Their conversation trailed off when one of the soldiers pointed out Kosh's presence. A soldier in his middle years with only a few wisps of hair covering his mostly bald pate came up to Kosh and bowed.
"My future king." he said in an awed tone, a large grin on his face as he came up from his bow.
"How many times must I repeat myself," Kosh began sternly "I will never be your king?"
"Yes my liege." The soldier replied, giving Kosh a second mock bow.
"You're denser than Dawson." Kosh growled, shooting a glare at the soldiers chortling by the tower entrance.
"That I am Kosh." The soldier before Kosh said, giving a wink to Minska.
"Sorry sir!" Minska heard a younger soldier within the group say, assuming it to be Dawson.
"Dawson, inform the Queen that I am here." Kosh said, looking at the still chuckling soldiers.
"Yes Kosh." The young soldier replied, breaking off from the group and entering the tower.
The soldier Kosh stood with rejoined his men. He ordered them to form two short columns. As Kosh, gesturing for Minska to follow, walked through the column, the five remaining soldiers bowed.
"Long Live the King!" they shouted in unison, breaking out into laughter once again as Kosh shook his head and sighed.
Minska and Kosh entered into a long hallway. Curving staircases leading to the next floor of the tower began on the sides of a large mahogany door set in the back. Fine pieces of furniture made of the same wood as the doors were positioned around the room. Minska and Kosh entered into the room where a fine red carpet leading up to the double-doors was laid out. The carpet was a rich color of red with gold embroidery running along its sides. Several sitting benches were against the walls on both sides of Minska. Finely crafted tables with marble tops held candles that were unlit. Light from round windows above the benches provided more than enough illumination for the room.
"This is the waiting room. The Queen's throne room is just through those double-doors." Kosh said into the silence, leading Minska to the benches on their right.
"What will she want of me?" Minska asked, taking a seat on the bench next to the table.
"She'll want to know your story. The how and why you got here. Just answer her questions as best you can." Kosh said, giving Minska a pointed look.
Minska closed his eyes, dreading the idea of having to tell the story of the worst morning of his life. He didn't really know what he should do. With powerful magic trapping him inside this kingdom, it was a good possibility that Minska would die here. His entire world was in mortal danger while he was about to sip tea with a queen. Minska idly wondered if the fate that befell those who previously tried to go through the shield would have been kinder than having to live out his life here, never knowing what happened to his friends and family. He immediately dismissed such a notion. What a cowardly way to escape a hopeless situation.
Minska looked up as one of the doors to the throne room opened. A small man in red and gold livery squeezed through, shutting it as he emerged. He gave a small bow to Kosh, and than to Minska.
"The Queen is ready for you now, Master Kosh." The servant said, extending his arm towards the door.
"Be extremely respectful Minska. You'll be speaking to a Queen."
"Yes Master Kosh." Minska replied sarcastically, giving Kosh a mock bow of his own.
Kosh's brow tightened at the slight, but he remained quiet. He made his way towards the door, motioning for Minska to follow. Resigned to what was to come, Minska followed Kosh. The servant opened one of the double doors, bowing as he did so. Kosh entered the throne room, followed by Minska. The room Minska entered was grand beyond belief.
The throne room was nearly half the size of the courtyard. Everywhere Minska looked, there was some example of ostentatious wealth. Three chandeliers comprised of dazzling gems formed a triangle that pointed to the dais the throne was set upon. Golden candle holders rested in the center of the chandeliers. Minska's gaze followed the ropes connected to those chandeliers to polished silver levers on the wall to his left. Finely made tapestries depicting everything from Queen's of old to the land that surrounded the kingdom proudly hung all around the room. Minska could tell it was the land around the kingdom for each tapestry displayed the city and castle in the background. Colored glass stood in circular frames larger than the one's in the sitting room. From his position in the doorway, Minska could see three large metal doors spaced out along the back wall.
On the dais was a woman of exquisitely aged beauty sitting atop a silver throne that was made in the shape of a large spear. As Minska approached the throne, following Kosh's lead, he could better make out the Queen's features.
She was a woman just into her middle years. Her signs of age did nothing to diminish her beauty. If anything, it only enhanced it, giving it a mature quality. She wore a diamond encrusted tiara that made the chandeliers look like worthless pieces of shiny rocks. She wore a long, emerald green blouse with a neckline just shy of indecency. The shade of her dress matched perfectly the color of her eyes that were fastened on Minska.
"Our guest, as you requested my Queen." Kosh said, grasping the hilt of his sword as he dipped into an elegant bow.
Minska stood quietly on Kosh's right, hoping not to be noticed.
"Come come now Kosh, no need to be so formal with your aunt." the Queen said in a lilting laugh, sweeping off her throne to embrace the Captain of her guards.
"Well then, hello aunty." Kosh replied, hugging his aunt warmly.
"Matters of state keep me so busy that I haven't had a chance to see you in ages. Is everything good? How are Kithine and your son?" the Queen asked, pushing back slightly from Kosh to look at him better.
"Everything is good Aunt Amber. Kithine is great and Mendib's already clamoring for me to teach him how to use a sword." Kosh replied, giving his aunt's shoulder an affectionate squeeze.
"I'm delighted to hear it. So nephew, this is him? The one Far Rider Hotchinson saw?" the Queen asked, breaking away from Kosh in order to stand before Minska.
"Indeed it is. Queen Amber, may I present to you Minska from the city of Cyntha."
"A pleasure kind sir." the Queen said, patting down a few wispy strands of her blond hair and proffering her hand to Minska.
"It's nice to meet you." Minska replied, taking her hand and making an awkward bow.
"Cyntha is a city a few miles outside of the shield's boundary. If not for this barrier, Cyntha would be a part of the Furylin Kingdom." Kosh said to the Queen, giving Minska a sideways glance.
"It would wouldn't it?" The Queen replied, taking back her hand and giving Minska a coquettish smile.
"You can have it. It's probably a smoking pile of rubble by now." Minska said in a dead tone.
A bit of the Queen's smile diminished at Minska's unexpected comment.
"About that. I'd like to know what happened. I want to know what led up to you going through the shield." the Queen replied, ascending the steps of the dais and taking a seat on her throne. "Don't leave anything out."
Minska stood before the steps of the throne, stifling a scream that was trying to escape. He wanted to rail against no one in particular for the brutal attack on his city. He wanted to scream about the evil of men like Haddon, and how they could be allowed to roam free. Most of all, he wanted to take out his anger on whatever anomaly in the world trapped him in this kingdom, unable to get back to what was left of his life.
Instead, he began his story in a soft voice. He started with the morning before, detailing his encounter in the forest with Mikalik. He described his feeling of foreboding from this morning, just before he came upon the sight of chaos that his city once peacefully existed in. In gruesome detail, Minska vividly recalled the sights and sounds of his beleaguered city. He began to shake in fury as he related his experience with the attacking soldiers, leaving out Haddon's parting words, just before being pushed through the shield.
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-03-14 00:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No problem
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-13 22:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks I_walk_alone
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-13 22:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When I asked before, I meant it in what do you mean as opposed to something accusatory. Man that was retarded. That is getting deleted. Keep in mind these are drafts. The prologue I posted earlier has already seem a good amount of change in sections i received feedback on (from here and a teacher of mine). Thanks for bringing up the ten minute thing and showing me.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-03-13 21:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Note that a story is about 10 feet...so that means your 300 ft drawbridge, when pulled up, is 30 stories high...therefore your moat is probably the same width.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-03-13 21:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think I know what happened here. I think I read it wrong. You wrote "It was a ten minute walk to the castle," but either something in the way you wrote it, or something in the way I read it, made me think that it was a 10 minute walk along the drawbridge to the castle...I guess I assumed that once you enter the entrance of the outer wall, you're technically in the castle, but I think that you meant that it was a 10 minute walk from the wall entrance to the central structure of the castle. That's probably my bad; I was likely reading too fast. Here's the section:
"Following the captains lead, Minska and the soldiers started towards the castle. Despite the plodding footsteps of the soldiers' horses, the drawbridge remained perfectly steady. Minska was grateful for that as he scanned the depths of the moat below him.
"It was a long fall into the water from the top of the bridge. With the clarity of the water, Minska could see jagged fingers of rock shooting upwards towards the surface. The moat was so wide that Minska doubted if anyone could ever construct something adequate to get a large group of people across. At least they couldn't if they were in any sort of rush.
"Dotted around the perimeter of the moat were barracks filled with soldiers. They had a look of wary watchfulness about them. Minska found such vigilance of their stronghold strange since the entire kingdom was cut off from the outside world.
"It was a ten-minute walk to the entrance to the castle. The gates were wide open, revealing a scene of soldiers and cleaning staff scurrying back and forth with purpose. With the enormity of the castle, Minska could only guess at the difficulty of running such a large place."
For the record though, I still think 300 feet is way too long for a drawbridge. Does that mean the walls are 300 feet high? Seems like a bit of overkill.
Anyway, sorry for my misinterpretation.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-13 16:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
50 men could walk across it side by side. Average each man takes 4 feet in width. 4 times 50 would be 200 feet. Half again as long will equal 300 feet. Bridge would only be 300 feet.
thecaes, I'm a bit confused by what you mean on the ten minutes thing. In terms of the men traveling towards the castle, you mention ten minutes. Could you just clarify for me what you mean?
Also, I'm glad you like Kosh. He is very important. What you say about how the soliders behave in front of Minska is a very very huge point in this story. Basically, how they behave with no discipline is very important here. Trust me, it makes perfect sense how they behave. I have complicated plans for Furylin mapped out in my head. As we learn more and more about this kingdom, the soldiers behavior will make more sense. Keep this in mind when I post chapter 4 and we get to know the queen better. It's all their for a purpose that will fit in with the story.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-03-13 14:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Two things, one minor, one major.
1. You should never use a contraction for purposes of pluralization. "Magic's" reads as "magic is." You should eliminate the apostrophe and just say "magics" if you want to pluralize it. You did that a couple of times on this post.
2. That drawbridge is INSANELY long. Like, ridiculous. The average human's walking speed is 3 mph (5 kph but I'll stick to imperial because I'm assuming you're American). If it took those men 10 minutes to walk across the drawbridge, that means it's around .5 miles long. HALF A MILE. 2640 feet. Do you know how long that is?? To put it in perspective, the Empire State Building is about 1472 feet tall, which is about a quarter of a mile. So the drawbridge to your castle is roughly twice as tall as the Empire State Building. I know you're dealing with a land of magic, but from an engineering perspective, a drawbridge that size is absolutely impossible (not to mention what it says about the scale of the rest of the structure). It would sag and split under its own weight, would be far too heavy and awkward for any degree of manpower or mechanism to lift, etc etc.
Earlier you said it was half again as tall as it was wide, and wide enough for fifty men to walk side by side...assuming each man is about two feet wide from shoulder to shoulder, that drawbridge is about 100 feet wide and 150 feet long. That's a lot more believable (still pretty damn big). But only old people on walkers take ten minutes to walk 150 feet.
It's amazing and annoying, but little slip ups like that can really bring a story down. Sorry to harp on it, but mistakes like that make the reader think, "This guy has no idea what he's talking about," and make your whole story seem a little silly.
One final thing: I liked the personality you were infusing into Kosh, but it seemed a little casual and unprofessional for he and his men to act so jovially in front of Minska, who is a stranger and is probably either being regarded as a guest, prisoner, or subject. Just a thought.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't like this story. I generally don't like stories like this because they all seem to be built on the same formula. However, I'll give you this +1 because you seem to have put a lot of effort into the story and you will probably become a famous writer one day with millions of people reading your boring, formulaic fantasy novels.
Submitted by i_walk_alone (user info) at 2008-03-13 08:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this series ... keep it going ...
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-03-13 08:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because this is a serious writer's forum.