5 things I will not being doing just because I'm almost 30 years old (plus CAMWHORE) (1496 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.26 on 65 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by OathMeal (View user info) at 2008-03-13 11:21:25 EDT
I turn 29 in a few weeks.
Twenty. Nine.
As soon as the realization hit me that my twenties are very quickly fading into the past (a past mostly full of pot-induced debauchery, financial waywardness, weightlifting and unbridled sex) I almost instinctively thought of a few things that I would like to do as a final affront against the inevitable drain of aging.
I thought of these things and then I thought of their consequences, as I am now prone to do being a mature adult. I've found that, if nothing else, getting older means you stop acting on impulse...or at least, if you DO act on impulse it's not about something that might have dire and/or lasting implications in your life.
So as fun as they might be and as tempted as I am to do them, here are the 5 events that will not be taking place merely because I'm bordering on an identity crisis as a result of age.
1. Getting a tattoo of something tribal and trendy across my chest
This was actually the first thought I had and I'm not too ashamed to say that the inspiration for it came from Ubersite's own Sicosemen.
If any of you have been unfortunate enough to have been tortured with a picture of Sicosemen with his shirt off you know the sort of misanthropic, poorly conceived body art I'm talking about. At first I thought that it would be an amazing proclamation of my youth to go out and drop $1,000 on a tattoo of the treble clef, all done up in tribal style with flames jutting out and demons orbiting it.
But then, I realized, no one really wants to be like Sicosemen and so this will not be happening.
2. Experimenting with hard drugs
I've never done cocaine, crack, heroin, PCP, opium, speed or meth. What a shame it would be then, to exit my twenties never knowing the rapture of mainlining a dose of heroin after a long, unprotected night with a homeless prostitute. Or, for that matter, getting hyped off meth and robbing a convenience store just because I was bored with running up and down 8 flights of stairs for the fuck of it.
No...as happy as some nice, high-grade coke might make me I'm going to stick to being just an average, boring, traditional non-hard drug user.
3. Selling my playstation, skateboards or Abercrombie and Fitch clothing
I quite enjoy watching DVD's on the SAME CONSOLE I can use to play some pretty cool games. I also still enjoying bombing down hills on my longboard. For a spell after college I worked for Abercrombie and Fitch and made away with thousands of dollars worth of free clothes.
Why the fuck should I give these things up just because I'm fast becoming senile? Am I not entitled to a sedentary lifestyle of video games and a Dogtown-esque wardrobe if that's what I should so choose? Perhaps when I'm 40 and people start commenting on my strange affinity for Final Fantasy plot lines I'll revisit this.
4. Sleeping with an 18-23 year old slut just because I can
Oh friends...this urge was the hardest to deny. I live in an area where there is a veritable sea of young, naive women any of whom would certainly fall for my intellectual, boyish charm and redheaded good looks. I must admit that it might be nice to have one last, meaningless hurrah with a hot young piece of ass but again, the consequences.
Chicks like that either have teh AIDS, are uncommonly awful in bed, don't know what to do with a penis or flip the fucking fuck out when they don't get called the next morning and thanked for a wonderful evening.
I'll keep my fucking to the realm of the 'grown and sexy'.
5. Attending another 4 day long music festival on some podunk farmland in Tennessee, shotgunning beers and having fart competitions in a 4-man Coleman tent
Bonnaroo was good fun. It really was. But, I fear that the last time I'll ever do something like that is in my past. Maybe it was the strangely high concentration of misguided teenagers wearing Grateful Dead shirts or the overwhelming smell of patchouli mixed with schwag marijuana...or perhaps it was the notion that somehow it's just not that fun anymore to be awash in a mosh pit of emo faggots at a Tool show.
Whatever it was, I believe I'll stick to the occasional Reel Big Fish concert or intermittent venture to catch Trey Anastasio the next time he's in Denver.
...call me old-fashioned, but I'm ready for what's next. 30? 35? 40?
Fucking bring it.
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-03-27 11:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually enjoyed this.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-27 11:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<3 :)
not bad yourself.
Submitted by theworldsgreatest (user info) at 2008-03-17 14:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Aaaah! the old people blues Im glad i dont have them and what kind of workout is looking a the wall
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-15 17:22:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
4. Sleeping with an 18-23 year old slut just because I can
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Dude, from on 28 yo to another. You NEED to do this before you hit 30. Trust me bro. Just remember to wrap it tight and if she's really awful then you have a chance to do some crazy shit and worry about whether it's scaring her off or not. I suggest this:
You: COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!!!
Her: Did you just crow like like a rooster?
You: Hell yeah! That shit's sexy! Do it. Crow like a rooster for daddy.
Her: cock-a-doodle-doo?
You: That's right you filthy little rooster whore! CROW! *doubles thrust speed and strength*
At that point pick our random animal noises for her to make. If she hesitates for even half a second, smack her ass like it was on fire and tell her to do it or you'll call animal control on her.
Or just put it in her butt, either way you've got a great drinking story.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-03-14 14:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-13 15:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.uber.fm/song/954/OathMeal%20-%20Where%20I%20Am%20Here
________________________
I quite enjoyed making that song.
Thx for creating it. Uncool banning offense is even better, me thinx.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-14 10:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-14 06:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try to look more like Biff from Back to the Future. I dare you.
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Hey, McFly!
_________________________
"Get...your damn hands...off her."
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-14 06:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try to look more like Biff from Back to the Future. I dare you.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, McFly!
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-03-14 06:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
McOathmeal McRules
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-03-14 02:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you are totally posing for this picture you tool.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-03-13 23:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try to look more like Biff from Back to the Future. I dare you.
Butthead
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-03-13 23:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi, mr. meal! :)
don't sweat 29, dude.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2008-03-13 22:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I live in an area where there is a veritable sea of young, naive women"
Where do you live and are you looking for a roommate?
And you don't have to give up on the multiple day music festivals. Camping at one might be a little much, but if it's something where you leave the grounds overnight and go home or to a hotel, that's totally acceptable in my book.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-03-13 20:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to *my* world.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-03-13 18:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1. Coke is a 'hard drug' now?
2. I don't understand Abercrombie and Fitch. All the Americans that come over to Aus go weak at the knees over it but it really seems to be made up of cheap woolen tracksuits/ hoodies of the material and cut you could get at Target, but it just has a massive brand name emblazoned over it. There really seems nothing in the design or construction area that justifies its popularity.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-03-13 18:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like being 21.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2008-03-13 18:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and "age aint nutin but a number", sang the black chick who died in an air crash, when r kelly was banging her 14 yr old poon.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2008-03-13 18:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dude, you look like you've released a load in the back of your pants. now step out of them and put them on back to front and pretend your wearing "the sock".
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-13 17:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I turned 30 a couple of months back. Easy peezey lemon squeezey.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-13 15:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dA0yBFKwe4M 3:55
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-13 15:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115543
gays love snap pants
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-03-13 15:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-13 10:39:45 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
On the bright side, you're only about 26 years away from getting some pretty sweet breakfast specials.
---
haiku makes me laugh
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-13 15:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.uber.fm/song/954/OathMeal%20-%20Where%20I%20Am%20Here
________________________
I quite enjoyed making that song.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-13 14:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ginnngggggggggggggggger
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-13 14:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stop dropping the barbells onto your face, Swanson.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-13 14:05:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy early birthday. It sounds like you've got a good handle on the whole not-freaking-out-over-aging thing. I'm working on that myself, and I've only got 8 months till 30.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ewwww you gingers and your gross ginger pubes
Submitted by celtic1888 (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.uber.fm/song/954/OathMeal%20-%20Where%20I%20Am%20Here
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:39:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
On the bright side, you're only about 26 years away from getting some pretty sweet breakfast specials.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
UnitB-29 - Target set. Auto crumple sequence initiated.
You have 5 seconds to comply.
You have 4 seconds to comply.
You have 3 seconds to comply.
You have 2 seconds to comply.
...
=====================
hah
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was going to write something but I decided this was more fitting:
My speech is entitled "Ginger Kids: Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles." We've all seen them - on the playground, at the store, walking on the streets - they creep us out and make us feel sick to our stomachs. I'm talking of course about... ginger kids. Ginger kids are born with a disease which causes very light skin, red hair, and freckles. This disease is called Gingervitus, and it occurs because ginger kids have no souls. Kids who have gingervitus cannot be cured. Because their skin is so light, ginger kids must avoid the sun, not unlike vampires. Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called "daywalkers." Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse, and unless we work to rid the earth of that curse, the gingers could envelop our lives in blackness for all time. It is time that we all admit to ourselves that gingers are vile and disgusting. In conclusion, I will leave you with this: if you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one, [cue picture of Carrot Top] think again.
As for the drug comment, I'd like to quote Maynard James Keenan:
"I think psychedelics play a major part in what we do, but having said that, I feel that if somebody's going to experiment with those things they really need to educate themselves about them. People just taking the chemicals and diving in without having any kind of preparation about what they're about to experience tend to have no frame of reference, so they're missing everything flying by and all these new perspectives. It's just a waste. They reach a little bit of spiritual enlightenment, but they end up going, 'Well, now I need that drug to get back there again.' The trick is to use the drugs once to get there, and maybe spend the next ten years trying to get back there without the drug."
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
UnitB-29 - Target set. Auto crumple sequence initiated.
You have 5 seconds to comply.
You have 4 seconds to comply.
You have 3 seconds to comply.
You have 2 seconds to comply.
...
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:27:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I spent no less than 3 hours and 11 sets of 10-15 repetitions to get the shot just right.
I don't drink muscle milk. All that stuff is is protein anyway. Why would I pay $4 for that shit I can get the same amount of raw protein by sucking cock and it doesn't cost me a dime.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
4. You speak some truth. But I reveal too much anyway, so I'll leave it at that. No I won't. I was 32; she was 23. I'll take an old experienced slut like Cindy McCain any day.
You look like Elroy of Jetsons fame.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On a totally unrelated note; I have that camera: 6/10 in my book - the lack of optical zoom is severely debilitating
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes but because he's tensing every muscle in his body he looks eerily rigid and that kind of does look like he's about to drink it.
I bet his legs are about to shake, look at the way he's GRIPPED.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ummm, he's holding the camera in his hands.........
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
are you trying to look mean and intense on this picture?
cuz all i see is a juiced up redhair douche drinking muscle milk.
just asking.
--
*collapses in hysterics*
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lol
||
||
V
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what's funny is you actually carried your camera phone around the gym and asked somebody to take your picture so you could post it on ubersite.
did you ask people to move out of the area for a better shot?
how many times did the guy take a picture after which you ran over all excited to check it, only to tearfully demand one more try to get that perfect camwhore pensiveness?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
are you trying to look mean and intense on this picture?
cuz all i see is a juiced up redhair douche drinking muscle milk.
just asking.
--------------------------------
You should be nice to Oathmeal because he was concieved through rape.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-03-13 13:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
are you trying to look mean and intense on this picture?
cuz all i see is a juiced up redhair douche drinking muscle milk.
just asking.
Submitted by jigglypuff (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being a Reel Big Fish fan!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you look fat - you need to do more crunches
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
real men wear snap pants
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa.
signs of emerging maturity?
I'm stunned!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
good camwhore
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm surprised at how mainnstream coke is.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, Method's MOM would totally crumple you.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, Method would totally crumple you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-13 12:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Like YOU ever get laid...
You should have saved this piece of fiction for one of those fag Uber writing contests that Jack McCallum is always cheating in.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA
Nothing Is Impossible
Hilarious
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude I would totally crumple you
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't recommend getting a tattoo just for the fuck of it, either but I do find that they can be significant reminders as to what you stand for/enjoy/etc.
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Sico. I have a memory and Photos to remind me what I stand for/enjoy/etc
Do you like look in the mirror see a Tat and go 'Oh fuck me I like naked women'?
=======
I don't look in the mirror at all. I know how pretty I am.
Also, I enjoy my tats. They may not be for you.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha chicks with teh AIDS!
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't recommend getting a tattoo just for the fuck of it, either but I do find that they can be significant reminders as to what you stand for/enjoy/etc.
---
Sico. I have a memory and Photos to remind me what I stand for/enjoy/etc
Do you like look in the mirror see a Tat and go 'Oh fuck me I like naked women'?
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Three bits of advice now you're old:
1. Never trust a fart.
2. Never waste a hardon.
3. (I forget the third one.)
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All my tats are original and I get my cock smoked occasionally from the disenfranchised young woman who asks "is that a hyena?"
I don't recommend getting a tattoo just for the fuck of it, either but I do find that they can be significant reminders as to what you stand for/enjoy/etc.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha ginger kid.
i turn 31 this year. blech.
--
Me too. I'm happy with it though.
Do you smell of milk?
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lol'd.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As soon as the realization hit me that my twenties are very quickly fading into the past (a past mostly full of pot-induced debauchery, financial waywardness, weightlifting and unbridled sex)
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One should always leave the bridle on, if only because it sometimes becomes necessary to have a buddy pull the horse off so it doesn't penetrate too deep and rupture your intestines.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny camwhore.
"Nothing is impossible"...nice!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha ginger kid.
i turn 31 this year. blech.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I signed for a package for a neighbour today. It says on the label that it's Creatine. Would you like it if he doesn't collect it? Or are you living next to me?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-13 11:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahahaha, what a great camwhore!