Getting Back to Basics - Raising your Kids (427 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: -1.12 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tigre (View user info) at 2008-03-15 22:14:33 EDT
Alright, I've been toying with a new type of post to do on ubersite for the past few months. I've come up with something I've been teaching people for years, so why not put it online for everyone!
My new series (new? I've had one before that went past 1 post??) is 'Getting Back to Basics'. If I get a good response, then there will be more to come.
1) Beating your kids-
Let me just start off by saying that all kids need a good beating. I don't mean a swift pat on the butt, or a stern talking to. I'm talking an all out, knocking-the-shit out of your kid so that they know-who's-boss beating. Your piece of shit kid doesn't get to tell you what to do or how to do it.
"Dad, you're putting my bike together wrong!" WHACK! I bought that bike for your sorry ass motherfucker! If I say the chain is hooked to the seat, then it's hooked to the fucking seat! Oh, you still don't appreciate it? Fine, I'll just give the bike away with your bed to the local homeless shelter. Asshole.
2)Making them Miserable-
Your kids do not deserve happiness. They don't pay bills, all they do is leech off of you. They should be happy with three hots and a cot, but they aren't. They never are. What do you do to remedy this situation? Make them as absolutely miserable with their lives as possible. This can be
done several ways. Mothers: Nag. Nag them every possible second. Even if they've done everything they need to, make something up. "But mom, I'm eight! I don't know how to change the oil in car!" At this point you can revert to point one on beating your kids. When you beat them for no real reason, it reinforces point two.
You can give things to them and take them away when they're bad, or for no good reason. "Wow Dad! Thanks for the new phone! ..wait, there are no minutes on this phone.." Hah! Psyche! Sucks to be you, huh?! Get a job you piece of shit and you can buy minutes for your shitty tracfone I stole for you. Don't appreciate it, huh? Come over here so I can punch you in the face with my beer can.
3)Teaching them what school doesn't-
Of course school doesn't teach kids how to steal for you, how to pick up chicks, and how to coerce a chick into giving you head- but you are sure can!
With a small kid, you can run tests in stores. See a CD you like? Peel that little security device off of the case and throw it in the hood of your kid's coat and see if the alarm goes off. If it doesn't, sweet! You've got a free CD! If it does go off, blame it on the kleptomaniacal midget next to you! You've now taught your child not to trust you!
You can also pull a 'Big Daddy' stunt like Adam sandler did by picking up chicks at a park. Contrary to popular belief, this does in fact actually work. "Miss Lady? I'm scared, I lost my Daddy! He's a uh.. big sexy man with tattoos, who benches 360 pounds and makes 100 thousand a year. Have you seeded him?" Works every time.
Does your kid constantly ask you to teach him how to shave? Have him practice on the cat! Bring him the and cat into the can, lock the door, and have him go at it. You'll have a laugh at the shoddily shaved cat, as well as your fucked up kid. It'll be great!
4)Breaking their will-
Unfortunately for us all, kids can be pretty resilient, so breaking a child's will is a procedure that takes a bit of time. If you can beat your child and make them miserable long enough, they ought to break. If you have one of them, "Strong minded" kids, you can keep them locked up in a small dog cages. Make them tapdance for dinner. Oooh, poor timmy! You can't stand up to dance? Poor you! You shouldn't have done what you did to get in the cage! Next time you won't bother daddy while he's watching the game, sitting on the can, or smoking a doobie, will you?
When you start punishing them for the most minute or inane things they'll begin to fear you. When they begin to shake and shiver whenever you come around you've succeeded in breaking their will.
5) Making your child happy-
Children do not deserve to be happy. The fact that they can breathe, see, pee, and run well ought to make them happy enough. We need not do anything. If they aren't happy with this, refer to point one.
6) Buy a gun-
You'll need it.
7) Meeting your children's friends-
Essentially, your children to not need friends until their senior year of highschool. This is because then they're hot friends are legal. Highschool chicks are easy, just some alcohol and maybe some pot, and you're hitting that brown eye in no time. And cover up that bald spot with a beanie or some gang colors.
8) Selling your child to slavery-
This can be done relatively easily. Putting them on the corner selling lemonaide/lawnmowing services/themselves is as easy as finding a cardboard box and a sharpie. If you're looking for a bit of money up-front and to never have to deal with your child again, take a trip down to china town. Your child we be making martha stewarts pillows for a penny an hour in no time!
9) Dealing with your child A) Getting Pregnant B) Knocking another kid up-
See point 6.
10) Dealing with your kids when they grow up and move out-
The most important thing to remember is that you don't owe your kids shit. If they come around asking for money, have them front you somethin' decent. They better be bringing some sticky weed or his wife for you to hold onto until he comes back with the cash.
Also remember to be an asshole grandpa except to your grandkids. It has to do with making your own child miserable. Your grandkids are meant to be spoiled, so use them to your advantage to fuck with your own kids.
Always hustle your kids now that they got a job. "Hey sonny, I got some new caddy rims. You interested?"
"Dad, you stole those."
"..come over here a second.."
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-03-16 10:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-16 04:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
, I've been toying with a new type of post to do on ubersite for the past few months. I've
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Seriously? Months? Are you kidding?? You take Uber way too serious if you out that much thought into a post. From inital idea to typing it straight into the box (I like to walk on the wild side) takes me no more than 30 minutes. Get a life.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-03-16 02:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Maddox.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-03-16 02:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-03-16 01:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you just need that little picture "if you kid doesnt look like this you've failed as a parent"
Submitted by MrB3213 (user info) at 2008-03-16 00:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-15 22:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What, you pissed off because Dad won't give you the car tonight?
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no he read maddox
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2008-03-15 23:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-15 22:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What, you pissed off because Dad won't give you the car tonight?
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My dad is in jail getting taken up the butt by Cigar.
:(
..plus he wrecked the car a long time ago. He was drunk. It's why he's in jail..I think..
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-15 22:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was only really +1-worthy, but X54 is feeling bad because it didn't get the idea to make a post like this.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-15 22:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What, you pissed off because Dad won't give you the car tonight?