Paige's Birthday Party (601 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.19 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2008-03-18 09:14:31 EDT
This was written for a friend's b-day.
When I hired the male stripper for Paige's birthday I had no idea he'd turn out to be such a clown. The agency said he was funny and a little different but they also said he had a fantastic body and would do just about anything to make my party a success.
Paige has become one of my best friends so when she told me that she'd never had a birthday party before I decided to make her 24th birthday something special. I invited all of the girls I knew she hung out with, scheduled a Pure Romance party, ordered food, hired a bartender and last but not least hired the stripper.
It was a surprise party so most of the girls showed up early. Mara and Corie were responsible for getting Paige there so they took her shopping and then told her they had to go pick me up so we could all go out.
Everything went perfectly, Mara, Paige, and Corie showed up right at seven as planned and Paige walked in to a boisterous greeting; "SURPRISE". Paige almost jumped out of her skin she was so surprised. After she gathered her wits and said hi to everyone we got the party started.
The bartender had brought a full bar and mixed any kind of drink we asked for and we were all feeling pretty good when the host of the Pure Romance party, Brianna, pulled out her wares.
Brianna showed us different lotions, and creams, and body lotions and some lingerie before pulling out a box of toys. She then showed us the different toys, telling us how they could be used and what kind of reaction to expect from them, some of them looked down right scary. The last toy she showed us was a little silver job she told us was her favorite. It was called the Silver Bullet and when she flipped it on and passed it around I could see that it might become several other girl's favorite too, when Paige got a hold of it she immediately asked to buy one.
Brianna got a bunch of orders that night and gave Paige a Silver Bullet for free in place of me taking a free gift for hosting the party. Bri cleaned up her promo gear and the rest of the girls returned to the bar to refill their drinks and take shots.
The food was served then and everyone loved it, there was shrimp cocktail, lobster tails, oysters, cheese, and fruit. We all ate and drank and mingled until finally the door bell rang.
I answered the door and nearly slammed it shut when I saw who was standing behind it but before I could do anything he shoved past me honking a horn while a siren blared from the flashing light atop his hat. He continued honking his horn as his giant clown feet clomped into the living room where all the girls were. Aghast I slowly closed the door to follow him and could hear that all the girls had just gone silent.
The clown finally stopped honking his horn and quickly and quietly asked me to put a cd in for him to strip to. Curious to see what kind of act we might see I took the cd and he turned to address the girls.
"Happy happy birthday Paige! I'm Chuckles and your friends asked me to come brighten your birthday celebration!"
I looked at Paige's face and she met my eyes mouthing "are you fisting me?". I couldn't help but laugh as this surely made whatever happened next well worth the price.
Chuckles turned to me and directed me to play the cd and then turned back to the rest of the girls. I walked around to stand by Paige, Corie, and Mara and then watched the show with the morbid curiosity of someone looking at a bloody car wreck as they drive past.
Chuckles opened the zipper of his clown suit and began pumping one leg up and down. As he did so, a pink thing started to push through the zipper growing longer and longer until finally Chuckles reached down, grabbed, it and pulled out a four foot long balloon which he immediately tied into a cock and balls balloon hat before placing it on Paige's head.
All of the girls sat and stared in silence, all except Mara who laughed hysterically at the clown and Paige's new birthday hat. Chuckles looked toward her, winked, and then asked her to assist him with his next trick. Mara dutifully stepped forward waiting for instruction from the clown.
The music changed from crazy circus music to energetic techno and the clown began gyrating and dancing until finally he started grinding on Mara's leg. Mara couldn't stop laughing as Chuckles was now one of the most ridiculous people she'd met in life and the fact that he was grinding away on her leg was just too much. Finally she pushed him away and backed away to return to her seat.
Chuckles looked at her with indignation and asked me to stop the cd. He almost seemed angry now. "Ladies, I'm here to give you a fantastic show. To do so I will need you cooperation and participation. Now, we'll continue from here but I do ask that you not hold back if I ask for your assistance."
Chuckles looked back at me and nodded that he wanted the music back on. He awkwardly picked up the beat and began gyrating and flopping about the room. His giant clown shoes made great flapping noises on the floor and his wig bounced around on top of his head. Finally there was a pause in the music and Chuckles stopped in front of Corie.
"Do you like my flower?"
Corie looked at him with disdain in her eyes and said "Sure, whatever."
Chuckles yucked and then asked her to smell it.
Reluctantly Corie leaned in as asked and just as her face closed in a penis sprouted from the center of the flower and shot white liquid all over her face.
Corie, shocked and disgusted, punched the clown in the face before turning to find a napkin.
Chuckles bounced to his feet, "Don't wipe it off, lick it off baby! It's just coconut milk."
Corie said something back but it was lost as the music picked up again. "Bom... bom bom bom.... Bom bom bom.... Bom bom bommmmmmm"
Great, the Rocky theme? On the longest note chuckles tore his clown suit away to reveal a chiseled chest, ripped abs, toned legs and arms, and strong shoulders. Unfortunately all of this beauty was wasted when everyone's gaze turned to his crotch.
Chuckles didn't have anything on beneath the clown suit. This might have been fantastic as he did have a great body but unfortunately he was not all that well endowed. Worse, he had died his pubes bright red with yellow streaks, perched a large pair of clown glasses on the base of his penis and had a big red clown nose over the top.
Everyone burst out laughing as Chuckles, oblivious to our reactions, began to dance around frantically. The music cut to happy birthday but not the happy birthday we all learn as kids. Instead it was the slow version people usually associate with Marilyn Monroe.
Chuckles walked over to Paige as the music led in and pushed her down into a chair and began singing, "happy birthday..... to youuuuuu. Happppy birthday..... toooooo youuuuuuu....... Happy birthdayyyyyy misss Paiige"
That's as far as he got because after the initial shock of being shoved into her chair to be crooned at while a clown face was thrust into her face Paige shot up out of the chair and sacked Chuckles.
Chuckles went down with a thud and lay on the floor gasping for air.
"Ok, which one of you fuckers thought this would be funny?"
"Seriously, are you fucking fisting me here?"
Paige looked down at the clown at her feet and delivered a kick to his stomach. I pulled her away from the clown and told her I had no idea he would be an actual clown. I told her about the conversation I'd had with his company and how highly recommended he'd come.
Paige looked at me and all the other girls around the room. "You know, what? You girls are great! This HAS been a great birthday but let's help Chuckles do some advertising."
Paige instructed the girls to grab him and help her carry him out the door. We got him into the car and drove him to the bar and tied him to the sign post out front. We left him there and went to another bar where we celebrated the rest of the night laughing the whole time about our disturbing stripper encounter.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-03-19 17:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Brianna showed us different lotions, and creams, and body lotions and some lingerie before pulling out a box of toys."
You... you used the name Brianna here. Really? Cause... I know a Brianna. YOU know a Brianna. So... really?
<shudder>
(ps - strong start then it fizzled a little. There were a few paragraphs that weren't necessary for this piece - they were just filler).
Strangely enough I actually know another Brianna and she is a friend of Paige's. The Brianna in this story is not the one we both know.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-03-19 20:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-03-19 17:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Brianna showed us different lotions, and creams, and body lotions and some lingerie before pulling out a box of toys."
You... you used the name Brianna here. Really? Cause... I know a Brianna. YOU know a Brianna. So... really?
<shudder>
(ps - strong start then it fizzled a little. There were a few paragraphs that weren't necessary for this piece - they were just filler).
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-18 22:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for a clown getting his ass kicked.
I hate clowns.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-18 20:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-18 19:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice spacing
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-18 12:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about JonBlaze
User id: 33206
Registered on or around: 2008-03-13 09:17:46 EDT
# Messages posted: 3
# Reviews written: 0
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 40
# Hits: 589
Average rating of all messages: -0.74
coming from you that means a lot.
Submitted by JonBlaze (user info) at 2008-03-18 12:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
no just no
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 front page because I'm miserably ill today and I couldn't possibly feel any worse.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
suffering from a lack of reading comprehension skills sico. i was just gonna ignore the tard but since you brought it up....
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha.... the gasp factor?
my girlfriend would attest that I'm not gay and would be severly unhappy if i were.
_____________________
Your girlfriend would attest that you would be severely unhappy if we were gay and we sucked each other daily?
===============
W
T
F
?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not very good mate. Worth a look, but otherwise pretty drab. I reckon if it's funnier if you know the people, then it's probably not that funny to other people.
I need to be in with a crowd so I can have 'in jokes'.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha.... the gasp factor?
my girlfriend would attest that I'm not gay and would be severly unhappy if i were.
_____________________
Your girlfriend would attest that you would be severely unhappy if you were gay?
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2008-03-18 09:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So that's what JMG's been up to lately.
I guess there was no money in playing Barney at kids' parties anymore.
------------------
That amused me. This story didn't.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha.... the gasp factor?
my girlfriend would attest that I'm not gay and would be severly unhappy if i were.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay...thanks for the clarification. I'll bump you up because I think you should be gay for the gasp factor.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:19:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WHY DON'T YOU PUT MORE SPACES BETWEEN YOUR MASSIVE PARAGRAPHS
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is written from a girl's perspective sico so no homo here. I orriginally had the girls discovering that the clown was one of thier boyfriends moonlighting but since this was going to them and it was going to be a shot against him (he's a gigantic douche bag) i decided against it and went with the vanilla boring ending. this is funnier if you know the girls involved.... for example "Paige" does actually say "are you fucking fisting me?"
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-18 10:08:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm pretty sure that if any part of this is true that you are a closet homosexual.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2008-03-18 09:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So that's what JMG's been up to lately.
I guess there was no money in playing Barney at kids' parties anymore.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-18 09:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This kind of sucked. Plus, I think you have one extra 'Bom' in your Rocky theme.
I mean it was pretty obvious what was going to happen and when it did it wasn't really funny enough to hold much interest. Also it's written really mechanically and doesn't feel... 'girly' enough, if you know what I mean.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-18 09:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This started out good and then just turned into plain ridiculous. You can do better, man...
Silver Bullets ARE quite the magical female toy, BTW.