The Dieary of Agent Raskolnikov. Part 1 (320 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.46 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rodion Raskolnikov <rodyarask.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2008-03-18 11:38:38 EDT
Dec 31, 1986
My name is R. Raskolnikov. It is not my real name, of course, but the CIA does not believe in real names. I love the CIA, though. They have taught me so many things. I can kill a man in 17 ways using my underwear. I wear briefs. You can kill a man 29 different ways with boxer shorts, they say, but boxers offer no support. Pansies with small penises wear boxer shorts.
Today our training assignment was to pick up a girl in a bar. I picked up a fat chick. My trainer, F. Dostoyevsky, was unhappy. He can be a little rough around the edges and said that no body liked fat people, nobody.
"Nobody likes fat people, Raskolnikov. No. Body. Now get back in there and get a normal one."
The fat chick started crying, but what could I do? I went back into the bar and ran into her friend who was skinny, but ugly. I offered to buy her a drink, but F said she was too ugly. She started crying also. Now I had F on my left, an ugly crying chick on my right, and a fat chick bawling behind me. Not the worst New Year's I've had, but up there.
None of my class mates picked up any chicks either, I guess, because tomorrow they are sending me on a super-secret training mission to Afghanistan, so that means I did not fail. Last week F told me he was going to get me killed if I did not start to pass assignments. He said I was making him look bad.
"I swear on your mother's ass, Raskolnikov, if you do not do at least one thing right by next week I am going to send your retarded lard-ass somewhere where fat bastards like you are a delicacy."
F seems like a real mean guy because he likes to call people names and use colorful adjectives like "ugly," "fat-ass," and "retard," but he can't help it and throws them in even while complementing people: "good job, asshole" or "nice going, retard," which I get pretty often.
I asked him what Afghanistan was like and he said that I reached a new level of "retarded." There are no stupid questions, so I guess it was a compliment. "It's summer all year long; you can have ice-cream whenever you want, and Santa-Clause lives there, you fucking cum bucket" he said and walked away. What a kidder. I can't wait to go.
__________
Jan 2, 1986
I got to Afghanistan today. F said "Good bye, munchkin, do yourself a favor - don't pull the cord" and pushed me out of the plane. As I plunged toward the ground I wondered what he meant by that.
He lied about this place, by the way. It's cold as hell here and snowing ... in the fucking desert. I wrapped myself in my parachute, but that does not help much. Summer all year long, my ass.
It's freezing and the only indigenous life form appears to be the Russian tank. I have dug a hole like I am supposed to and will stay here until dark, when F said it gets warmer. Then I am supposed to walk toward the mountains and find something called the Taliban, whatever that is.
__________
Jan 3, 1986
F is a fucking liar. Afghanistan is the worst place on earth. It did not get warmer at night. It got a little warmer in the afternoon and I fell sleep in my hole, but the snow turned to rain and I almost drowned.
At night I started to walk toward the mountains, but then it got so cold again that everything turned to ice. I slipped and fell and didn't know which way the mountains were anymore, so I started to slide in a random direction on my stomach, like a penguin. Soon after I fell back in my hole and almost drowned again.
I am going to kill F when I get back to the States. Now I have to dig another hole before the sun rises or a Russian tank will get me.
__________
Jan 4, 1986
I have made some progress toward the mountains last night, but now I am starting to run out of food. The CIA packed me a turkey sandwich, some vitamins, and a bunch of tubes full of some sort of space-gel supposedly being able to substitute a meal. That stuff tastes like monkey ass and chicken-flavored monkey ass, but I get really hungry when cold and it is all gone; two week supply, my ass.
They also gave me 24 packages of chewing gum. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I wish I had another turkey sandwich.
__________
Jan 5, 1986
I am down to one stick of chewing gum and I think my stomach is eating itself. It is too cold to sleep. I had to abandon the parachute because it froze to the ground yesterday and I had no strength to tear it off. It made a lousy blanket anyway.
There appears to be frostbite on my balls, but I can't tell for sure. Fuck the training assignment; I am going to go find a phone and have my mom wire me some money. The mountains are really close now; I have no choice but to keep walking.
In the past 2 hours I passed 2 holes in the ground. One had a corpse in it and I recognized L. Myshkin. Looked like he drowned in his hole; what an idiot. I am beginning to suspect something. Not sure what, but something.
__________
User Reviews
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-03-20 16:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha this was bosh
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-20 14:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-18 12:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You seem to have many fans amongst the over-weight Uber contingent.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-18 12:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-18 12:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy crap, I misspelled one word because I was in a rush. It was a typo because obviously I know how to spell "diary." Get over it :)
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nevar. Check your spelling before you post.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-18 12:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy crap, I misspelled one word because I was in a rush. It was a typo because obviously I know how to spell "diary." Get over it :)
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-18 12:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In soviet Afghanistan, gum chews you.
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This amused me. This post didn't. -2 for "Dieary". How hard is it to spell that right?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-18 12:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This would've been better if you could spell a title properly.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2008-03-18 12:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Botching anything F. D. related = auto -2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In soviet Afghanistan, gum chews you.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The first bit and last sentence sucked alot though.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
scourge is fat don't listen to him
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lawl
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was kind of funny, I guess
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah ... sorry folks. I misspelled the title.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
alright, i read it.
fairly funny.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stupid title, funny post.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-18 11:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i got as far as the second word of your title and quit.
this +2 is because i am a super nice guy who just wants to make friends with everybody on the ubersites