The Wicked O'Neil (842 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: poetry
Rating: 1.84 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-03-19 06:25:51 EDT
The wicked O'Neil was a fiend with no lips,
His name caused a shudder, like the crack of a whip.
With a manner so callous, and no feelings of sorrow,
Heinous O'Neil sought to blacken tomorrow.
How he came to be lipless I could never guess;
I never did ask, for fear of distress.
Under his nose gleamed a smile, so disgusting,
His dribbling was constant; his neck-chain was rusting.
He rode on a steed, a hard-headed Goat,
With tusks sharp as razors and an iron-wool coat.
And behind the beast, who was dubbed 'Clopper',
Was a great army, who took O'Neil's word as proper.
As always with brutes, his reign was gory,
He made the rain pour, a despicable story.
His foul temper ensured that innocents died,
Families were split, and the orphaned did cry.
'Twas years ago, in a land so remote,
That this lipless fiend ruled, with his despicable Goat.
But fear not, such times could not last,
And one day came a man who put an end to the past.
He was a man with no name, and no skills to cite,
But he worried O'Neil, and gave the Goat a good fight.
Our champion faced the villain on a bridge, over water,
And swung his blade home to wound evil Clopper.
With the Goat crying in a furious bleat,
Our hero turned to O'Neil - who he swore to defeat.
'Who the devil are you?' hissed the man with no lips
And as he spoke drew a sword from his hips.
The Samaritan circled, and scoffed at the question,
'When you ate your lips - did you get indigestion?'
The scoundrel's face dropped, and he could only mutter,
As the Goat found its feet with a cough and a splutter.
Our man continued: 'So tell me, O'Neil,
How came you to chew off your own mouth for a meal?'
With a roar the lipless man lunged wildly,
But his opponent was nimble, and called the attack 'childly'.
A frustrated O'Neil again mounted his Goat,
Blade pointed always at his enemy's throat;
Who said 'run like a lady, but here is my oath,
'Ere the year is up, I shall butcher you both.'
'Handsome but stupid', roared O'Neil with a lisp.
'Come hither, men!' he cried in a voice that was crisp,
And all of a sudden from shadow and shade
Appeared his despicable army; each man held a blade.
They surrounded our hero, who spun round, bemused;
But it was not as though he had never been bruised.
With an heroic cry, he brandished his sword.
'Prepare to expire, O'Neil - I have given my word.'
The hero was brave, with a face that looked strong.
Amazingly, the army could not fight him for long.
He parried their blows with the poise of a master,
Soon they had fled - 'Prepare for disaster!'
But he was too late - the fiend had been stood
On a spot on the bridge where there was now empty wood.
Far in the distance, he spotted the coat
That was the fleeing O'Neil, on his cowardly Goat.
'Aye, they can run like cuckolded fools,
But they should not think I shall retire my tools.
I shall wander these lands, armed with my steel,
For I intend to kill that Goat, and that evil O'Neil!'
User Reviews
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-15 04:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 11:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-26 16:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautifully written, deserves more hits
-P
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 10:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Honoured, m'lady.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-20 10:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you. They are two mountains of heaven :)
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 09:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
EI said something about your shoulders being sore because you carried 'whoppers' around all day.
I didn't think that was a particularly kind description of what are surely lovely things.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-20 09:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 12:31:05 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
still doesnt deserve your mean rating
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Orphelia's honour must be defended. On guard!
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Where was my honour soiled?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 05:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 05:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well thanks very much. I am a poem-whore though, so if you want to commission me you can.
I also do speeches.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-20 00:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 06:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can I use this for my story?
-----------------------------
No you can't, bawbag. This is a little snippet of a larger thing I'm working on...
But if you want to commission me I can write another for you in the same style. Shall we say 50p per word?
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I was only joking about wanting to use it. I meant it as a complement to say can I use something of yours in MY OWN writing because I find that your writing is very good. While I would never want any such thing, yours is good writing.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-19 21:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah Harry!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-03-19 20:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Snock (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This inspired me to write a less-than-polite poem about my high school principal named O'Neil (Who was also wicked!). I plan to visit the school and litter the hallways with copies of it.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-19 12:55:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-19 11:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the rest and it was worth it.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 10:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lipless villians always get a +2 from me. If the hero were lipless and they made out in some wierd twist of events I would have found you and given you a hundred dollars american.
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In that case I might re-consider a sequel...
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-03-19 10:05:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lipless villians always get a +2 from me. If the hero were lipless and they made out in some wierd twist of events I would have found you and given you a hundred dollars american.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-19 09:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good, I usually don't read poetry on here. Mainly because it's pish. This wasn't.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-19 07:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first stanza was all I read but was beautiful enough to warrant a +2 from none other than myself.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-19 07:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115613
Needs more reviews. A masterpiece.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-19 07:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Spand'. I invented another new word!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-19 07:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course I am always the one to talk dirty.
My men are usually bound and gagged to the bed post and can't speak.
Oh well, can't spand all day whoring around this dump.
Have a lovely day Fraser. :)
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 07:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hah!
I think 'balls' would suffice when talking about scrotums...scrota? If a girl said she was gonna lick my 'nuts' I would imagine her to be an anorexic squirrel.
There's nothing nice to call the perineum. I've heard it termed 'gooch', which isn't terribly pleasant-sounding. Also, 'lick the hairy bit between my balls and my ass' is just a bit too blunt.
Its probably best not to mention it. Just try not to get too many pubes up your nose and sneeze all over it.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-19 07:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Would it be sexy if I offered to lick someones bawbag?
When talking dirty, as I oftem do, even to myself at times, I never quite know what to say when it comes to the balls. I mean, I am gonna lick your nuts, I will suck on your bollocks, I am gonna kiss your sweet scrote - it just doesn't cut it.
I usually go with 'balls' and mostly it works.
Don't even get me started on how to talk dirty about tickling someones perineum...
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 07:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well if you want one that HASN'T been handled, you're looking into the baby-buying market.
Try ebay.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-19 07:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ebay? I must certainly do not want a 'used' bawbag.
How dare you insinuate I would want a second hand bawbag.
I am insulted.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 07:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bawbag: noun [C] plural bawbags.
In most male mammals, a bag of skin near the penis which contains the testicles.
Literally, a bag of balls. See also: scrotum.
I don't if they're available to purchase, though. Try ebay.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-19 07:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tee hee, got ya with the 'No Comment' didn't I?
What is a bawbag and where can I purchase one?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-19 06:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
...and Hurty not -2ing poetry? Baffling!
============
Believe me, it was a tough call to make. I should be able to live with myself though.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 06:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can I use this for my story?
-----------------------------
No you can't, bawbag. This is a little snippet of a larger thing I'm working on...
But if you want to commission me I can write another for you in the same style. Shall we say 50p per word?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 06:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks very much! I was wondering what the 'no comment' was about...
...and Hurty not -2ing poetry? Baffling!
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-19 06:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I use this for my story?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-19 06:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ps this is great :)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-19 06:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Quite easily the best poem on uber of late.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-19 06:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment