The glamour of Motorbikes (914 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.59 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleMonster (View user info) at 2008-03-19 12:44:00 EDT
The truth is, where as motorbike are great fun on a warm, sunny, dry day. The rest of the time, apart from being able to dodge traffic, they suck big, sweaty, hairy balls. Occasionally I get people commenting on how cool it looks to riding one of these monsters, that is until you explain to them what is really going on whilst your tearing down the motorway and trying to avoid piling into the back bumper of some cretin hell bent on becoming the last of the late breakers.
Any lengthy journey on a bike of any decent size becomes painful after the first hour and a half. After this time, you find yourself having to pull in just to get the cramps out of your arms and legs. If it is winter, you need to get some circulation back in to the bits of you that succumbed to frost bite. Your knickers rutch up into places better left explored with a willing partner and a case of beer. Many girls and guys find it a lot more comfortable to go commando, this is all well and good until your riding pillion and the rider decides for whatever reason to accelerate hard. If caught of guard, you will slide back in your seat. Leathers aren't so much of a problem in that situation, but any other kind of trousers, will leave your bare bum exposed for a good laugh by the other drivers. If you continue to be hurtling along at anything over 110mph, you really don't want to take your hands away from what ever your holding on to, to correct this situation.
The peril for pillion riders is at it's worst when you first get on a bike and when the person driving the damn thing feels confidant that you will be ok if they boot it. When someone first gets on the back, they will more than likely nut the rider in front a few times before they manage to sit back a bit. It hurts, weather you are in front or on the back, it hurts and it is disorientating. Also, the first time you reach 140mph you will pee a little. Luckily no one can hear or see you scream. Screaming like a little girl on a roller coaster becomes part of your daily travelling experience weather you are in front or pillion. Everyone on the road becomes your enemy. Nothing gets you closer to God or shitting yourself like a patch of black ice on a sharp corner.
You will fall off. Most of the time it is when you're doing 15 mph in heavy traffic and you stop concentrating for a second. Before you know it, the traffic has stopped and your on the roof of the car in front, you're not hurt, but you do have to suffer the humiliation of every car around you knotting themselves. Or you will developed a dead leg and simply rock over at the next traffic lights, also to great embarrassment. In this situation, the best thing to do is get up and take a bow.
In the summer you have to contend with the weekend warriors. These are the posing, pussy brigade who only come out to play when the weather is good and there is no chance of their bike getting muddy. You can spot them a mile off, they're the pillocks dressed as power rangers who take their bike out to the local pub to have a half of shandy. They are the difference in being a biker and someone who owns a bike. I am the later and do my very best to avoid being out in public wearing leathers.
One of the biggest threats to a biker is wildlife. If you hit a rabbit in a car, you feel a bit guilty and just hope that the little bugger was killed out right. If you hit a rabbit on a bike, you will be left wanting to hunt down it's family and butcher them whilst the babies watch. You can dream about your revenge from your hospital bed. If you hit anything bigger than that whilst doing 60mph plus, you wont need a hospital bed, just a bin bag for someone to put the little bits of you in. Hit a deer and you will simply vaporise.
None of this compares to the horror and pain of a Bumble Bee to the throat. I can only assume it is as painful as getting shot and slightly more messy.
Insects sting like a bitch when they hit skin, but they spread like hot butter when they hit your visor. Innards temporarily blind you and it doesn't matter how much you furiously try and wipe it away with your sleeve, nothing is going to shift that bad boy except soapy water. Try pull over and offer up a prayer that you don't hit anything. Always be wary (no matter how hot the day) of riding with your visor open. Yes it may be pleasant for a while, but be aware upon arrival at your destination, your eyes will be red and puffy from watering, snot will be encrusted to your face and your mouth will be so dry, you wont be able to speak. Added with the risk of a fly getting in your eye, or worse up your nose. It is better to sweat it out.
Do not get on the back of a bike with someone driving that is in a hurry (or determined to get rid of their chicken strips) when you have a hangover. Rocking over from knee to knee at great speed will result in one thing. Vomiting in your helmet. This is bad for so many reasons. The idea of going into graphic detail is making me wretch, so I shall leave it to your imagination.
Riding a motorbike can be great fun, but never ever have I known it to be the glamorous past time that many people seem to think it is.
Plus I get called a dyke a lot in leathers.
User Reviews
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-27 07:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Hurty, you really know how to make me feel special.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-24 13:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Virgin below.
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-24 13:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Look, I might be drunk and twenty one and single for way too long, but this post + your uber directory post = I'd probably do naughty things to you for an extended period of time.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-20 13:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I avoid motorcycles because I enjoy living, being able to walk, and having a face.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-03-20 12:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've slid a bike around a corner before... right into a tree... twice.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
An owl?!?! Jesus! Bwahahahahahaha
Sorry, I bet that took some cleaning up.
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Yup, hit me sort of in the neck and went up along the side of my helmet... did you know that when you hit an owl going 50, it shits all over the place? Now you know...
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh. I must be displaying my bike naivety then. Although I think I would still make the screeching noises, y'know, just for my own satisfaction.
After today I'm off work until Tuesday and this afternoon is dragging like a queer in Vegas :(
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Every time. That's what it's all about.
It feels a bit silly making screeching noises around corners because unless you hit ice or lots of water, bikes don't slide. They just lean over. Films make me laugh when they have bikes skidding around corners.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When you're on the bike do you make revving engine noises and screech as you go around corners?
I would.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
An owl?!?! Jesus! Bwahahahahahaha
Sorry, I bet that took some cleaning up.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:14:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I understand 100%. I got hit by an owl last summer doing about 50mph, that was fun...(
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 10:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Will do, always careful. I have no wish to end up like putty.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 10:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard that if you come off your bike without leathers your legs and ass would just turn to mince.
Be careful, LittleM.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 10:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's the problem with leathers, they make you feel immortal. Skid time in leathers is something like 11 seconds. Jeans 1.5 . You are always more careful in jeans.
Submitted by Entaran (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post made me giggle like crazy.
I'm a biker/own a bike/etc. But I rarely wear leathers unless I know i'm going out to test the status of my citizenship as permanent or deceased.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Exactly, so many ways to wipe your self out in a spectacular and entertaining fasion.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this post again. It still makes me smile.
What if you get an itchy foot? Or an itchy nose? So many hazards...
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sneezing and falling asleep.
There are many more I missed.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-20 03:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha :)
ps I don't! I just liked it. I auto +2 no one!
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Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-20 02:25:37 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone gives you +2s because you have big hooters. I am guilty, as well.
:)
:D
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Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-20 01:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
When I ride to my office it's a 125 mile round trip. It is glorious.
I like to drive fast cars. I've had fast cars that had a roof, and one day I got a convertible and made it fast. That was awesome, being in the wind like that. Then I got a bike, and it was like dropping the sides off the convertible. It is a driver's experience. While it's true that (largely due to inexperience of the rider and plain poor driving skills of others on the road) it is more dangerous than being in a car, it is also a lot more fun.
Plus, I get 55 mpg at 90 mph, so get your Tahoe into the damn' slow lane and say "Thanks for being so Green" as I pass, biotch.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-20 00:03:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, you can hit a deer without vaporizing (FZ6 rams a deer at 72 mph without falling):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaSEOaJ5phY&feature=related
And this one's amazing (Deer jumps over a moving Harley):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6VS6qsLJeY
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-03-19 22:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you forgot to mention that you can fall asleep on a bike
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-19 22:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone gives you +2s because you have big hooters. I am guilty, as well.
:)
:D
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-19 21:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am too short to ride my own bike but I used to ride pillion on my ex's ZR (I think that is what it was) and I shat my pants. This post is awfully true.
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One of the biggest threats to a biker is wildlife. If you hit a rabbit in a car, you feel a bit guilty and just hope that the little bugger was killed out right. If you hit a rabbit on a bike, you will be left wanting to hunt down it's family and butcher them whilst the babies watch. You can dream about your revenge from your hospital bed. If you hit anything bigger than that whilst doing 60mph plus, you wont need a hospital bed, just a bin bag for someone to put the little bits of you in. Hit a deer and you will simply vaporise.
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That was lovely.
And re the camwhore. If you learn how to post multiple pics, email me and let me know how :)
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-03-19 20:47:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-03-19 20:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Or you will developed a dead leg and simply rock over at the next traffic lights"
This mental picture made me laugh out loud. I now REALLY want to see this happen in real life.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-19 19:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i love going fast, it's why i buy fast cars and i love the idea of bikes but I'm too much of a chickenshit to try one.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-03-19 19:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once flipped a shitty moto-cross bike trying to look cool when I was 13. The whole thing crashed down on my leg, and I limped away like the little bitch I was.
I've never graced the saddle of anything with more horse power than my Mach3 turbo razor ever since.
P.S Biker chicks are hot. I'll jus' wait for ya at the finish line with a drink.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2008-03-19 18:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sneezing. You forgot sneezing.
I didn't even know sneezes smell till I got a bike.
CBR's are the way forward.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-19 17:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I call them "motorcycles" because it sounds a lot less gay.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-03-19 16:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I used to ride but gave it up when I moved to the city. Motorcycles are just targets here. If I ever move out to the country again though, I am getting a bike again.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-03-19 16:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Motorbikes are so 1984. Zeppelins are all the rage now.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-03-19 16:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
back in the day, 3 of us took a 7200 mile ride from the Bay Area to Acapulco and back without ever washing our Levi's®
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-19 14:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a dyke. But my point is - bikes are the ONLY way to travel. OK - maybe if I had the scratch to buy a Ferrari I wouldn't say that. But my point is - if you don't have the cash to buy an Italian sports car, bikes are the ONLY way to travel.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-03-19 14:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I ride a 125 cruiser atm, but just passed my theory and am doing my practical ASAP.
I love bikes, and I know how bad it can get.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-19 14:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
better than having a boat ;)
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-19 14:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-19 14:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The bike camwhore should be topless.
Just saying is all
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-19 14:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment (i just came from work, and to exhausted to bother)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-19 11:59:24 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
CT - There are many plus sides. It is great fun and it's always nice to see people pissed off in traffic as you go bundling by.
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My sister would kill me. She's a physical therapist and treats more motorcycle accident victims than any other type of patient by far.
On the other hand, if I ever want to piss her off, this would be the way. :)
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bike-whore (Has since been sold)
http://www.ubersite.com/m/70410
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...and boobs :)
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:16:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes. Let's have bikewhoring, boatwhoring, and did I read somewhere you had a cat? Get the little fellow in there too.
That would be nice.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha. I'm going to have to do a camwhore page. Pics of the boat and bike. Signs of uber everywhere so people don't scream "That's not you"!!!!
Will do. Bikes in the shop having repairs. She got left in the rain for a few months and it did no good at all. The bill is going to make me cry. When she's back I will get a pic taken.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should post a bikewhore picture. Of you riding it.
____________________
Seconded.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should post a bikewhore picture. Of you riding it.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Vespa doesn't really count about what I'm talking about. Though awesome in some many cute ways.
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does a Vespa count as a bike?
Bikes earned my hatred after I helped a friend sell her wares at the Daytona Beach Bike Week. The noise, the posers, the way they lined their shiny bikes down the stretch of the street... By the end of the week, I was in constant fear that I might actually act on my desire to kick a bike and watch them fall over like dominos.
I'm sure your bike is great though. Entertaining and educational.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I guess so.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When you're not screaming, you're laughing.
You have to get up to a cirtain amount of revs though.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 13:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I'm curious as to the vibrations a motorbike will undoubtedly cause in the seat.
Is it, y'know, any good?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-19 12:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
CT - There are many plus sides. It is great fun and it's always nice to see people pissed off in traffic as you go bundling by.
FJ - I was thinking of you as I wrote it.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-19 12:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at 'suck big, sweaty, hairy balls'.
Lovely.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-19 12:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dozens of good reasons in there for me never to purchase a motorbike.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-19 12:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 MX