SPT A paradoxical, insoluble, or difficult problem; a dilemma: "the conundrum, thus far unanswered, of achieving full employment without inflation(Arthur M. Schlesinger) A poser if you will......with special bonus Apollo camwhore (971 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.65 on 84 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (View user info) at 2008-03-20 05:54:21 EDT
I was talking with Mr HurtByTheSun the other day engrossed in some exciting discussion about how far we could stretch our fingers up our arse when without warning I dropped a bombshell on him, a tale that has horrified my family for the last fifteen years.
Needless to say Hurty called me a cunt and told me it probably happened because I was a blubbering vagina.
He was indeed correct.
Fifteen years ago I was a wee lad enjoying my Birthday, Spiderman pyjamas at the ready and a cake with a picture of a very happy seal tossing a ball in the air. I was in heaven, mother tending to my every need, leaving me to open my presents, it was so exciting, like being lost in the Artic Tundra.
There I was tearing the wrapping paper off my aunties and uncles present, bursting at the seams with excitement. What would it be?? Jazz? Optimus or maybe Mirage??Hmmmm
....................................It was a mug, a coffee mug with some daft quote on the side.
"Some people think football is a matter of life and death, I assure them it is much more serious than that"
Bill Shankly.
Since then I have received varying gifts with Liverpool FC emblazoned upon them.
Liverpool Shell suit top and a pair of shorts
A Liverpool umbro sports jacket
A Liverpool 'dud' twenty pound note
Steven Gerards Autobiography.
A Key ring with a mini Ian Rush hanging from it
And a Liverpool beanbag
So my uncle from Devon thinks his nephew in Bristol is a lifelong Liverpool fan and I have done nothing to make him think otherwise, he called me after Liverpool won the European cup, genuinely chuffed for me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him it was only people with fat heads and loose morals who support this multi European team.
Uber...Do your family members or friends have any ideas about you that are completely false?
Are you on the receiving end of bizarre presents?
Now for Apollos camwhore....
LOVE YOU UBER.
User Reviews
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-25 07:56:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I had my tonsils out when i was about 8. During my visit I decided to seek some solace. I stumbled to the toilets in the hospital and went about my business, unfortunatly when I went to flush the loo i pulled the emergency alarm instead and was surrounded by about 5 nurses who werent to jolly and shouted mean things at me.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-03-25 07:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When I was a little kid I had a suprise birthday party. I came home early from kindy, Dad had picked me up in his work car at nap time again, and I had just assumed I was being sent home early. When you've just turned four magic happens, not enough to get you in the passenger side door, your dad frowns at you and you have to get in the back - but it's still awfully magical.
I couldn't beleive it.
I hadn't stuck the hose through the louvred windows as the fat girl Victoria peed through her no-peener into the toilet - magic remember, I hadn't tried to make the newish vietnamese kiddie Tac Nygen look for vc in the kindergarten's pet quail's poopchute as it sat head buried arse up in the sandpit, "that's a tunnel you go in, vc! he's there you find weapons cache!", and I certainly hadn't asked Miss Wendy where aboriginals came from if white people come from people with..well, 'possessions', all I knew was I was sitting in the back of my dad's bloody great work car and I was awake at nap time.
"Dad?"
"Yes."
"How come I didn't have breakfast this morning?"
[silence]
"Was it so I could have more cake?"
[looks in rear vision mirror] "That's a good way to look at it - an interesting slant. You can have all the cake you want - if you're up to it."
"haha 'slant'. That's a good one Dad. You should've seen Tac Nygen looking down that quail's bottom, all snub-nosed pistol drawn and beady sweat on his forehead...funny."
He drove me to the hospital and I got a tonsillectomy for my birthday.
I was out by night-time and my brother, six years my senior and who made me call him sir, sat on the arm of the couch eating my ice-cream cake as I lay there prone and wondering who'd sandpapered my voice, playing with my new toys.
"This cake is awesome, you got some chocolates too. Oh btw I've broken most of your stuff."
"g-g-g-gah i c-can't talk properly...you're being mean and i can't even tell on you."
"I will give you an indian arm burn."
[most of this story is true.]
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-25 04:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Opening line from a women
her> you know what i hate, painting and guess what ive been doing all weekend.............
me> fuck off rob berg
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-25 04:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a very extremely super duper important person.
NO INFLATION.
YOU HAVE POOFY HAIR.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-25 04:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it means your fat and have an over inflated sense of your own importance?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-25 04:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM THE BURGER KING.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-25 04:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thank goodness you big queen
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-25 04:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FINE.
I'm going to bed.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-25 04:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NO SHHHHHING
GAWD DAMN FISH OF STINK.
Submitted by stinkfish (user info) at 2008-03-25 04:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shh
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-20 20:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-20 16:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry I was late.
Trying to kick start this whole 'awareness' post - plus getting ready to head home for easter.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-20 16:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 SPIDERMAN PJS!
WOOO!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 14:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
where's rob berg??
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-03-20 13:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It makes sense when you have a rope around your neck, Hillary.
Submitted by celtic1888 (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmmm is it a clever response that got a bit muddled?
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-20 10:59:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment making no sense below.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-20 10:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-20 10:08:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Uber...Do your family members or friends have any ideas about you that are completely false?"
_________________________
Yea.
My dad thinks I'm a financially irresponsible wayward son without a clue and with no goals in life.
...which is about 20% correct.
--------------
Anyone want to wager that as soon as oathmeal wrote this review until the present he's been getting closer to the edge of the barstool?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-20 10:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What's wrong with fat heads and loose morals?
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-20 10:08:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Uber...Do your family members or friends have any ideas about you that are completely false?"
_________________________
Yea.
My dad thinks I'm a financially irresponsible wayward son without a clue and with no goals in life.
...which is about 20% correct.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-03-20 10:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll try to email when I can but communicating outside of uber is like real life....and that is scary!
you can always catch me if you don't remember your own
bamfur. at . gmail . com
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 09:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i like it, long live the new muddy and may the old one rot in his own piss and dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
would be interested to talk to you about the weed thing sometime if possible, saw you mention it on another post. drop me a line at the email address you never mailed me at;
meatspinner1977.at.aol.com or is it .co.uk u
mmm i cant remember
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-03-20 09:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm filled with so much love that its oozing out and infecting others .
I'm sorry if it bothers anyone, I'll try to contain it
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 09:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Muddy whats happened to you? I keep wondering if your body is being controlled by a foreign being.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 09:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahhh im bored
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-03-20 09:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-03-20 09:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(and by 'rum' I mean 'low calorie Ribena', I'm just trying to look tough on teh intarwebz)
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-03-20 09:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
All we need is drogo to put in an appearance....
Nice to see JoeyG still bumming about.
YO JOEY *best american accent* My email accout got closed and I lost your address, what was it again?
------------
joe_green_swindon.at.yahoo.co.uk
drop me a line, pirate lass!! us landlubbers still remember ye, and there's rum for all!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Time to go and do some work. As God as my witness I sincerely cannot be bothered.
Fuck it. URRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.
Fine. I'm going.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
still doesnt deserve your mean rating
-------------------------
Orphelia's honour must be defended. On guard!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
All we need is drogo to put in an appearance....
Nice to see JoeyG still bumming about.
YO JOEY *best american accent* My email accout got closed and I lost your address, what was it again?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
still doesnt deserve your mean rating
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
whoppers? dude...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-03-20 12:03:44 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a..a.a.a.a.a.aa..a
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
b. I think you are looking for b joey. But good try :)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i didn't get anything
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
These fantasies would involve lots of squirty cream.
----------------------------------
Mine involve butter :)
____
Glad someone got that!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LM you spoilsport :(
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a..a.a.a.a.a.aa..a
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nope but you have to have strong shouders when you have those whoppers hanging off your chest
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sounds like he has your hording under control. I get stessed at the idea of stuff, I admire the ability to be able to keep things and not worry about them.
EI - That's more than I need to know. I don't need to hear about squirty cream ta.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you calling me butch?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:58:32 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
We row a lot.
----------
That explains your strong shoulders.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 08:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
These fantasies would involve lots of squirty cream.
----------------------------------
Mine involve butter :)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well no but its nice to have permission :)
These fantasies would involve lots of squirty cream.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't cope with being a horder, doesn't it piss you off having to clean everything?
------------------------------------
Most of my collections are stored away, and my VWs are behind glass. God, I am not allowed clutter. My other half is the ying to my hoardin' yang. He loves his 'storage solutions' and recently, before decorating the bathroom he counted over 55 bottles of 'stuff' in the bathroom, 18 or so were fake tan and sun cream. He bought so much seagrass furniture - drawers, trunks, etc - it looks like there will be a worldwide seagrass shortage.
Jesus, he even has a special box inside a cupboard specifically for our various phone chargers.
We row a lot.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Depends on what they are.
I guess it's ok. More to the point, it's not like I could stop you!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LM is it ok that I have fantasies about you?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would bring butter for the sweetcorn.
Marlon Brando never used beef dripping.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:43:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i hate soccer and soccer talk. it's more boring than a two-hour lecture on the labial majora given by janeane garofalo.
p.s. look her name up on google. you get interesting results.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MMmm i ate some jolly green giant sweetcorn outta the tin last night, mmmmmmm we could have a sweetcorn party and LM you so are invited
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You'd have to bring something to the party, LittleM.
I fucking LOVE sweetcorn!!! Cobbed, preferably, but tinned...just as good.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You would hate my life orphy. everything I own that's not boat/bike/truck can fit into two bags. That includes clothes and shoes.
I have to scale down again. I wouldn't cope with being a horder, doesn't it piss you off having to clean everything?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where's my invite? I want to come to a tea party, plus I want hookers. Common now boys don't be cheap.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
El, you could never whore as much as me on Uber.
I've just realised, I collect quite a bit of stuff. I have a stack of MelodyMakers (NME is shite) and Viz magazines in the attic. I have around 150 lip glosses and nail polish pots. I have 2 shelves worth of model VW campervans. The other day, putting the shopping away, my other half asked why we had 9 tins of sweetcorn in the cupboard and said I would collect my own piss in jam jars if I lived alone.
I am not a whore. I am a hoarder!!
Fuck, I am Mr Trebus! God rest his hordin' soul.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure.
I'll bring the hookers.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:30:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
could we have green tea?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My mum bought me a toilet brush for my 21st birthday as I was at uni and she thought I may need to clean the loo.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:29:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
EI we should get together and have a tea-party.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FRASER I WANT YOUR POTS!
I have a new welsh dresser and teapots would look great next to my small collection of honeypots. And I love polka dots!!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not many people remember my birthday, I get chuffed if someone buys me a beer.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and what about my fabulous tale??
Teapots huh, you mention something and then its tea tea tea for the rest of your life.
I once mentioned that I wasnt to keen on chocolate and from that day on I have never ever received a Easter Egg.
Instead I get a packet of biscuits, plain biscuits.
Yum yum :(
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, but Auto Scott Mills -2.
Normal service resumed shortly.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The worst present I ever got was from an aunt who sent me 'a pair of socks for every day of the week; it was one pair of socks with the days of the week written on them.
Not so bad really, but that's what I got for a birthday present. 25 days later I got the same gift from the same aunt for Christmas.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My aunt, two years ago got me a fucking corkscrew. What the holy mother of fuck can I do with a corkscrew when I don't drink wine? When I finally did have to use it for the first time, it fucking broke. God damned dollar store merchandise. I'd rather have the fucking dollar then the corkscrew.
Or my other aunt, who for each x-mas thinks I don't have the 12 sweaters she's given me the previous years, and now need another one.
God bless my fucked up family.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...oh and I broke the fifth one.
Orphelia, your story was hilarious by the way.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You see Orphelia, I am a whore. A good one at that.....it's the bank holiday soon and i get to be smaaaaaaaaaasssssssssshed, woot wooot.
Love you Scott Mills.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I once mentioned that I much preferred to drink tea that has been made in a tea-pot, as opposed to a bag in a cup. It just tastes nicer.
Fast forward several years and I am five teapots heavier. I have a polkadot one, a stripey one, a flowery one and an old tin one that my grandparents used when they were first married.
If you ever come to my house you will get an awesome cup of tea.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:06:11 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
FJ BELL I love you
Ballare I love you
Orphelia I love you and want to kiss you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU ARE ALWAYS SO NICE TO WHEN YOU POST ;)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
was talking with Mr HurtByTheSun the other day engrossed in some exciting discussion about how far we could stretch our fingers up our arse when without warning I dropped a bombshell on him, a tale that has horrified my family for the last fifteen years.
----------------------------------------------------
Oh. He never talks to me about such stuff. I always knew you were his favourite. :(
I once made the mistake of saying to a few people I wouldn't mind a cactus or two. Every year (about 11) since, every birthday or Christmas I get an influx of mew speciemins. I am far too polite to say anything and do you know, short of crushing it to death with a hammer, how hard it is to kill the prickly little buggers?
I have over 70 around the house now, some are very old and I am hoping the next frost will be the end of them. The largest proportion live in the conservatory which is a terrible shame as I am unable to allow my toddler access to this highly hazardous spiky zone. Sometimes he sits longingly staring through the french windows at my potted enemies, smearing his saliva all over the glass in some kind of protest.
What pisses me off the most is I - quite obviously - collect insecty things. I have tons of jewellery, bags, t shirts, nik naks, ornaments of butterflies, ladybirds, spiders and dragonfly. Yet the gift givers seem oblivious with this passion and remain fixated with the prickly plants. All except my other half, who indulges me very often desite thinking the whole collecting thing utter nonsense.
Nice post. For a Liverpool fan.
PS I like that DR WHo episode, you can't see it is Peter Kaye. That chick off the clockwork episode (my favourite) is now the lead chick in Moonlight.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
U lie, u lie!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway who cares, now im curous, what sthe worst present you have ever recieved Mr HBTS?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Um, I had nothing to do with this.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thats some good searching..... im impressed!!
LOVE YOU.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
disagree?? shut up cunt lips, you dont disagree with anything except animals with swastikas emblazoned on their forheas
Close enough?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/99971
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
possibly because you are sico :O
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I agree with sico.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
disagree?? shut up cunt lips, you dont disagree with anything except animals with swastikas emblazoned on their forheas
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I disagree.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Before-and-after pictures of the woman, her face severely deformed, have been featured in the press along with her account of frightened children who ran away at the sight of her."
haha
NO MOMMY NOOOOOOOooo
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope no one bought her a pair of glasses for Christmas.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-20 07:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,23406957-5001021,00.html?from=public
I bring it to you from afar
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 06:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh oh im the only one alive
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-20 06:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey!!! Where is Rob Berg??