Mother Nature Can Go Suck A Dirty Sweaty Moldy Aids Infested Bums Sack (633 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.53 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2008-03-21 10:44:43 EDT
Muddy linked me here http://www.macleans.ca/columnists/article.jsp?content=20080312_96248_96248&id=2, knowing that I live in the great white north. I enjoyed that article immensely because I can seriously feel the author's pain but when I woke this morning to find that Mother Nature is once again fisting my city I realized how short he fell of the mark. I think this is largely because he had to choose his words a little more discriminately than I have to in order to publish his article and honestly he did a great job. I personally want to swear at the stupid hateful bitch because this is really getting to be too much.
I tried to find out how much fucking snow we've gotten this winter but, I assume, people are so fucking tired of all this fucking white shit that they're not even keeping track anymore. I will assure you that we have exceeded, blown past, destroyed, and desecrated any previous record snow of any season.
This past week has almost been pleasant. Birds were out doing their thing; the snow finally began to melt a little, hell there were people wearing shorts in spite of the temps only being in the forties. I'm sure that the shorts wearers are trying to inspire Mother Nature to stop with the fucking snow and bring on the sun. In short, we honestly welcomed the "warm" temps of this past week.
Now imagine the fury and rage of waking up this morning, looking out the window, and seeing that Mother Nature is once again throwing a fucking temper tantrum and dumping more of this foul white shit on the ground. I wrote this letter to Mother Nature since I don't know any other way to reach her. If I knew where she lived I'd seriously kick her in the box.
Dear Mother Nature,
What in the wide wide world of fucking sports did we do to you to deserve the way you've treated us this winter? Don't you know that Madison is full of a bunch of hippies and liberals who are all doing the recycling thing trying to be easier on what must be by now, a ravaged and used up whore's body.
Your poor fucking attitude was amusing at first; I mean a little snow is nice you know? You've gone too far though. This continued onslaught of snow after snow after snow is childish at best. Seriously isn't it about time you focus on other things like making the animals make the humpy, and making flowers and grass and green shit grow? You're going to have a lot of catching up to do if you don't stop this ridiculous behavior.
The only possible explanation I can come up with for the way you're acting is that this winter season happened to coincide with whatever your equivalent "time of the month" is. I mean, if your vajayjay is not oozing blood and your shits not all cramped up then what the fuck? Or maybe, did you find out that the sun has been playing with the clouds or maybe the air and you decided to spite his bright disposition and sunny attitude by dumping the white shit every to keep people from enjoying his company?
Either way all I can say is you're a right fucking bitch and you it's time you back the fuck up and let the seasons change. Look, it was almost funny when you decided to skip fall this year and go straight to winter, this is, after all, Wisconsin so we kind of expect a little bit of harshness.
Now that we're on our 7th fucking month of being snowed on and frozen and having freezing rain spat on us and being snowed on some more, well, it's too much. You've taken your little joke far too fucking far! Fucking get off of it you stupid fucking cum guzzling bitch! Seriously what's the problem? Are you not getting any? Maybe if you weren't so fucking frigid you could find someone to relieve that itch.
Look, I know you're just doing your job and all but nobody likes a fucking showoff and frankly you're well beyond showing off now. Now that you've established that you're just another fucking raging ice queen why don't you let that icy disposition thaw a little? You know what? Fuck you. I'm done. I'm trying to talk to you rationally here but I can't fucking do it anymore you worthless whore. I hope you get anally fisted while father time rapes your oozing gaping cunt. I hope Santa clause leaves a steamy corn filled Cleveland steamer on your chest while the Easter bunny rails your mouth. I hope your tits dry up and fall off leaving great big wholes in your chest and that a gang of midgets then rolls around in Santa's Cleveland steamer while fucking your chest holes and giving you dirty Sanchez's. You think I'm kidding bitch? If I had the chance I would find a pair of boots with ten inch spikes coming off the front so that I could kick you in the box and destroy whatever might be left of your whore's womb. You're a dirty frigid stupid ass motherfucking whore. I hope you get raped and violated and pissed on and shit on and kicked and cut and punched and run over. There are no words for how very fucking much I absolutely and totally despise and detest you right now.
Ok, ok, ok. Look, I'm sorry. You've just really pushed me too far you know? I mean this could have been avoided, all you gotta do is open up and let your warmth shine through. I really don't like that you brought out this hate and these violent wishes but you really did deserve it. Just straighten up and fly straight and his won't happen again.
Just in case you've forgotten I'll recap. After today's little outburst it's time to let up and embrace spring. Stop with the mother fucking snow already ok? if we continue getting shat on like this and you for an 8th month of winter I seriously will find a way to reach you and I will bring down all the pain I can come up with right on your worthless whore's body. Don't make me get up bitch.
Love, Barry
ps, I have to admit I was amused when I got to watch that stupid incompetent driver spinning across the highway this morning. You'd think after driving in it for 7 fucking month's she'd know how to handle it.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-03-25 20:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
isn't it about time you focus on other things like making the animals make the humpy
+2 for that line alone.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-24 09:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't mind the snow much. It's the ice that gets me.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-03-23 03:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw a fat man. He had nipples and man boobs. I screamed and spit tapioca pudding all over my cat.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-22 01:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear you. Today I was swimming in my pool, and the (solar-heated) water was 93F while the air was freakin' 82F! I'm all like "WTF, Nature! How'm I supposed to get out of the pool and get a beer with the air 10F cooler than the water? I'll get a chill! Heat this shit the fuck UP!" Bitch wouldn't listen, though, so I had to get out and get a beer in the cool. Thermodynamics is a motherfucker, ain't it? Pool felt awesome when I got back in, though, so maybe Nature ain't so dumb after all.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-03-21 19:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will gladly sign my name to your petition.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-21 18:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Here's another good one: http://www.macleans.ca/columnists/article.jsp?content=20080312_96248_96248&id=2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-21 18:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this, but it snowed here on the first day of spring, and my anger for said Mother Nature fuels this +2.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2008-03-21 17:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so with you, and so over winter.
Apparently we're expecting another Nor'Easter beginning of next week. Just when I thought it was safe to go out.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-21 15:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you have this way of telling a story that's...what's the word i'm looking for...oh, yeah, boring.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-21 11:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you can fucking have it. I am feeling bitter this morning in case you can't tell.
sadly I had to come to work this morning and will have to battle the moron drivers to get back home and since it's still snowing the roads will only continue getting worse.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-21 11:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-03-21 11:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not ONE decent snowfall in S.E. PA this year. I'm very disappointed.
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yeah what a bunch of fucking bullshit, nothing but rain. How depressing.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-21 11:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-03-21 11:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not ONE decent snowfall in S.E. PA this year. I'm very disappointed.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-21 11:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You sound bitter.
And, overweight.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-03-21 10:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-21 10:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel for you. Here it'll be a teasing, seductive 70 for a day or two then 25 and snowing the next day.
Cue Crystal to tell us how lovely the weather is out her way.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-21 10:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
alrighty