The only problem is my massive ego. And by ego I mean penis. (1372 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.67 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Paul Hibbert (View user info) at 2008-03-21 14:42:50 EDT
Outside a Derby nightclub...
Me- "Yes... No... No... No... Yes... No... Maybe"
Girl- "What do you think you're doing?"
Me- "I'm judging girls based on whether I would sleep with them or not"
Girl- "That's disgusting!"
Me- "I know... You're a no by the way"
Just now for the hell of it...
I'm witty, handsome, intelligent and bloody good in bed. The only problem is my massive ego. And by ego I mean penis.
At the Seat garage...
I part exchanged my Peugeot 406 for a Seat Ibiza the other day. The 406 wouldn't start off the forecourt when I tried to leave. As I was tinkering under the bonnet the Manager walked past. I looked over to him with a smirk on my face and said "I just sold you this piece of shit!"
After a Seat cock-up of biblical proportions I returned a few days later to collect my courtesy car. As he led me out to the forecourt I quipped "It's not my 406 is it?"... He didn't laugh.
Something I will be saying when I get out of bed and knock on next door...
"Excuse me I think you, your child and your stereo are all broken. You're all jammed on 'obnoxious'. Jungle 'was' massive... now it's just you. Please allow me to assist you and your son in exiting planet Earth; here is a live grenade, why don't you and Harvey go play fetch?"
During 6th form when asked by the 6th form head- "How do you ever expect to pass you're a-Levels?"...
I responded "I'm not here to pass my A Levels; I'm here to pass the time"
On Facebook...
My status- "Paul- can't get you out of his head so he is getting out of it instead"
Girl- "Ooh, your status sounds intriguing!"
Me- "I thought of it whilst in the shower"
Girl- "I don't need to know what you're thinking about whilst in the shower"
Me- "Now then, picturing me in the shower isn't going to get us anywhere is it, it'll only get you all bothersome"
Girl- "Well, I'd better stop that then, bothersome isn't something I like the sound of"
Me- "Aha! So you were picturing me in the shower!?!"
Girl- "... No!"
After a 45 minute wait at Domino's pizza and being handed an erroneous pizza...
Me- "What in the fucking hell is this?"
The response I got was unexpected to say the least... She answered the phone.
I gently helped her replace the handset. (http://www.ubersite.com/m/59407)
My myspace 'about me' section...
Witty, handsome, clever, talented... All things that have been said about someone else. I am an idiot that wrote a bunch of crappy songs as a kid and have done very little since. My poor band mates play the same drivel approximately once a week while I think about how great I am wishing that I had a mirror in my hand.
Possibly the most egotistical person you'll ever meet; I love myself, bike riding with myself, long walks on the beach with me, writing short stories about myself and most frequently- playing with myself.
Loves include... me, being me, talking about me and telling people about just how fucking fantastic I am.
People think I'm great which just validates my already inflated belief that I am awesome. If you want to be my friend you'e got a lot of competion and a serious vetting process ahead of you. Seriously, I am THAT guy.
If there has ever been a Mr. Right then I'm him. Talented, rich, powerful, well balanced and intelligent. If you haven't already noticed I am fucking stunning. A selection of my chat up lines are below, pick one you like and then see if I'll be gracious enough to sleep with you...
"Make with the naked."
"I'm not familiar with the tradition; is it now that I put it in you?"
"Excuse me, but how do we get from this case of affairs to the case of affairs where I'm ploughing you?"
"Aren't you that girl that I want to sleep with?"
I can usually be found in 'Mosh' or 'First floor club' at weekends. (1)Please come and say hello.
I occasionally reveal a pretence of self hatred to add some sort of dark mysterious side but in all reality I am actually this shallow.
And now, some pictures of me looking great...
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-08-02 17:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where have I been while you were here doing this?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-03-26 17:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*swoon*
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-26 16:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-03-22 10:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear god I want you.
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One of the few things I've missed about this place is you my sweet.
-P
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-25 18:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-24 21:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what's funnier, the post or the comments.
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The comments. I promise you.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-24 21:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what's funnier, the post or the comments.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-03-24 21:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
CHuckle tee hee
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-24 20:54:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skyler (user info) at 2008-03-24 20:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-24 10:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skyler (user info) at 2008-03-24 09:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maddox wanabe
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I'm sure Maddox wasn't the first with an over inflated ego and a sattrical sense of humour.
Maddox is a name by the way, you might wanna capitalise the first letter.
Actually out of the two words you wrote you didn't manage to get either of them right.
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Your user name is mrwolf, shouldn't that be capitalised too? Mr. Wolf? You can't even get your own name right so don't comment on what i say, lol. OWNED
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Well no you idiot, mrwolf is a screen name not part of the English language, but I applaud your attemmpt to drop me. Don't forget of course that there are photographs of me looking beautiful only a few inches above your comments.
-P
Submitted by skyler (user info) at 2008-03-24 20:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-24 10:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skyler (user info) at 2008-03-24 09:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maddox wanabe
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I'm sure Maddox wasn't the first with an over inflated ego and a sattrical sense of humour.
Maddox is a name by the way, you might wanna capitalise the first letter.
Actually out of the two words you wrote you didn't manage to get either of them right.
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Your user name is mrwolf, shouldn't that be capitalised too? Mr. Wolf? You can't even get your own name right so don't comment on what i say, lol. OWNED
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mad Skillz.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-24 10:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skyler (user info) at 2008-03-24 09:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maddox wanabe
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I'm sure Maddox wasn't the first with an over inflated ego and a sattrical sense of humour.
Maddox is a name by the way, you might wanna capitalise the first letter.
Actually out of the two words you wrote you didn't manage to get either of them right.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-24 09:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-21 13:44:25 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God, I love myself.
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Really? Gee, it wasn't very obvious.
Submitted by skyler (user info) at 2008-03-24 09:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maddox wanabe
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-24 08:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-03-22 11:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait, i think i've see you somewhere before
ummm...yeah...prison break
you played T-Bag, didn't ya?
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Do not mock me, I've see you dance. Ahaha - http://www.ubersite.com/m/113905
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-22 21:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughing my ass off, good job!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-22 18:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy posts that I can relate to.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 12:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Yes.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-03-22 11:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait, i think i've see you somewhere before
ummm...yeah...prison break
you played T-Bag, didn't ya?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-03-22 10:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear god I want you.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-03-22 02:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
narcissgasmic
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-03-21 22:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aside from the nose being off colored in the pic from Sin City and the bad neck transition in the Bruce Lee pic, this was pretty tight.
I especially liked the
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-21 19:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
many various levels of sweetness
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-03-21 19:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and it should've been Mr. Pock or captain L. Ron Hibbert
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-03-21 18:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should've done an American History X photoshop.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2008-03-21 17:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Several different shades of awesome.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-21 17:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-21 16:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-21 16:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No where in your rambling incoherent response did you come close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. We are all dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-21 16:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The left star wars guy needs food.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-21 16:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I stand corrected.
Wait a second...it's just Ltap; He's a notch below sico and Bubba in the "common sense" and "brains" department.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-21 16:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-21 16:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a great post.
Uber dipshits could learn something from this.
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no they couldn't, they're morons.
evidence this goddamn idiot:
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-21 16:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm, I'm giving this a +2 on the assumption that this is satire. If not, I'll retract it later.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-21 16:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm, I'm giving this a +2 on the assumption that this is satire. If not, I'll retract it later.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-21 16:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a great post.
Uber dipshits could learn something from this.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-03-21 15:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-03-21 15:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting.
Submitted by oapa (user info) at 2008-03-21 15:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-21 15:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-21 15:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-21 15:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy too much time on your hands Batman
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Fair comment. I didn't do all the photoshops though. One of my work colleagues did the sin city one, the 300 one and the star wars one. The photoshops are basically a competition we've been having at work to see who can make me look the most awesome.
-P
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well I have to say I cant fault the work. Good Job Captain McAwesome
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-21 15:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-21 15:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy too much time on your hands Batman
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Fair comment. I didn't do all the photoshops though. One of my work colleagues did the sin city one, the 300 one and the star wars one. The photoshops are basically a competition we've been having at work to see who can make me look the most awesome.
-P
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-21 15:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy too much time on your hands Batman
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-21 15:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish i was that awesome
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-21 14:44:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God, I love myself.