The Big Universal Sexual Mishap (651 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.02 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JesterLilt (View user info) at 2008-03-22 13:43:31 EDT
Stag - "Its a game! Just a fucking game you fuckheads!"
A 'fucking game' nobody wanted to play anymore.
Sidekick 1 - "Where the hell are we anyway?"
That was the question in all their minds.
Three guys set off on an interstellar stag night, decide to play 'Pull the Moose' and wind up with a moose with horns to hot to handle. Let me just put that in perspective...
'Pull the Moose' probably has many different names but they all equate to the same thing - who can pull and go home with the most unfortunate looking member of the opposite sex by unanimous vote. In the world we all know and love there are some mingers out there - outright howlers in fact! Play this game on a universal playing field and its a recipe for disaster. There are health warnings in all galactic commercial passenger vehicles (GCPVs) and the condom has had some significant upgrades, flexible kevlar varieties are common.
Our stag to be and the protagonist of our story is the culprit behind him and his trusty stooge sidekicks winding up in a slightly prickly situation. After six hours slurping up cocktails (you can only guess at the ingredients) they stop off at the mighty and prestigious planet of Assfirst.
Before any would-be traveller embarks on their journey they should first investigate a few critical pieces of information:
1. Are the natives at a destination sexually compatible?
2. Is it legal?
3. Do I need any shots?
4. Do I need any special clothing or equipment?
5. Are the natives hostile?
In the case of these three unfortunate travellers they had checked out none of the above.
In a quaint little Assfirst cocktail bar on the shores of a beautiful purple lake the stag spots the most grotesque woman-looking thing anybody is ever likely to see. A few of her less redeeming assets are as follows:
1. Pimply ass
2. Hairy double chin
3. Uneven and wrong number of breasts
4. Missing body parts in this case a hand and the end of her nose
The list is endless and I'm sure you catch my drift - a person where everything that could go wrong visually had gone wrong.
Stag - "Game's up lads, I've found our girl."
Sidekick 2 - "You fucking dancer! Isn't she a beauty, who's gonna have her, who's got the balls for this?"
Sidekick 1 - "Nah, this ones to good to keep to yourself you stingy twatt, lets all have a go."
And with those fateful words so the great universal sexual mishap begins...
Like anybody who is not used to being chatted up, our lady was a little shy to begin with. She couldn't believe her luck Her whole life spent sexless and unwanted and then suddenly three strange looking aliens all loving her at the same time. If it had been a gentleman from her own planet she might not have so easily fallen for the bait but these were obviously aliens and for all she knew she could be a beauty back in their world.
You know the story, a few drinks later she had succumbed to their charms whilst some jocks from her own world placed bets and laughed their asses off at a table in the corner.
So, the stag, his two sidekicks and their prize moose find a motel about a half mile down the road. They check in, order room service and lead our eager bride to her room. I don't think I need to explain the birds and the bees and the foreplay part so we'll get right to the part where it all goes hideously wrong....
She may have been a moose in their eyes but the idea of sex on Assfirst is to literally transport you to another world. So if you thought being left in the toilets butt naked whilst some girl runs off with your clothes is embarrassing think how bad that is when you are sent somewhere with no clothes, no way of getting back. This is the dilemma these three now found themselves in. Holding on to their crotches, stood in the middle of a blue barley field in front of a village main square where some kind of parade was happening.
Our lady sat wondering when they would be back. I her world although she could send the men away, men of her own species were more than capable of coming back. So quickly sometimes that you may not even notice a teleportation had occurred. In fact, the teleportation is the Assfirst equivalent of orgasm.
Sidekick 1 - "Just a fucking game? You fucking twat!"
Stag - "You're my bloody best man you nob jockey. As far as I'm concerned this is your fault, you should have checked it out."
Sidekick 2 - "You shouldn't be screwing around on your fiancé anyway."
Stag - "If its any consolation dick breath, I've learnt my fucking lesson, now how the fuck do we get off this stinking planet?"
User Reviews
Submitted by kristy (user info) at 2008-06-09 14:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Quality.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-04-03 14:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IM pretty sure you're a gimp. Who made you the authority on planet names? Have you travelled the universe? Are you familiar with alien customs and language? Are you an expert, a so called authority on extraterrestrials?
Assfirst is an awesome name!!!
Submitted by Tjhom (user info) at 2008-03-23 01:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
IM pretty sure a whole planet wouldn't be called Assfirst.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2008-03-22 23:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gave me the urge to break out some frank zappa
...the opening should be read in the voice of the Central Scrutinizer
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Saturdays a bit boring.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and I am now going out - laters
welcome to Uber btw
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm watching Harry Hill's TV burp, it sucks crap and isn't in the least funny but thank fuck for TV.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BUT WHICH ONE WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha, you funny fucker.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah yeah - but which one would you choose?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ignored to death, there's always tv - this is my final choice and if I've won a prize, I want what's behind door No. 2.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
but which one would you choose though?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ignored to death I guess. If they're ignoring me doesn't mean I can't drive them mad whilst their at it. Sweet revenge, can't get that if you're shot in the head or hung, drawn and quartered.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this one is totally tropical though
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ANOTHER JESTER? Oh for the love..
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80514 drunk story
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you had a choice of how to die, would you pick:
a.) Hung drawn and quarterly
b.) Shot in the head until dead
or c.) Ignored to death
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 ending the nagging sense of suspense.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, ok....!
All three have been teleported to some random fuck knows where planet stark bollock naked sitting in a field with blue barley prickling their asses whilst a parade of red neck village people stare on in disbelief...
They make friends with natives. The stag forgets about his fiancé because the planet he's been teleported to hasn't developed space travel yet. It turns out that none of them will ever have sex again because the natives are incompatible and will melt their cocks off although the planet is very liberal and littered with countless sex shops.
In the end, I guess they live relatively although abstinently ever after with rubber blow up dolls...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83187
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 14:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE END?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-22 13:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What can I say, I'm a bad finisher :)
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-03-22 13:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I sort of get this - but then you stopped speaking English and started gibbering. What EXACTLY happened at the end?