Before Guevara and After Roberta (part 2 0f 2) (621 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.62 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by QuinnTheEskimo (View user info) at 2008-03-22 19:35:55 EDT
This is part one: http://www.ubersite.com/m/115699. For best comprehension, read part one after you finish BEFORE and before you read AFTER. Otherwise it reads like a Quentin Tarentino movie.
BEFORE
When my girlfriend didn't come home I knew something was up. It was nearly midnight and she was an hour later than usual. I tried her cell and there wasn't an answer so I called our work looking for her. Todd, our boss, picked up the phone.
"Hey, Todd, do you know where Mandy is?" I asked.
Todd paused. "She left here maybe... Twenty minutes ago? Twenty-five, tops. Why?"
"She's late coming home and I'm a little worried. Usually she calls, you know?"
"I have no idea where she is man. I'm sorry but she didn't mention anything to me."
"Thanks anyway. Bye." I hung up before Todd could make his own farewell.
It was one in the morning before I climbed into my truck and drove around looking for her. Was she grocery shopping? She closed at the same Pizza Hut I worked at which gave her odd hours. Sometimes she would shop in the middle of the night to bring home pop-tarts and whiskey, my two favorite treats. I drove to the 24-hour Albertson's but I didn't see her car.
But if she wasn't still at work, and she wasn't grocery shopping, where was she? My route home happened to take me by her ex-boyfriends house.
And her car was there.
I knew her ex-boyfriend's number, and I dialed it.
"Hello?" He answered.
"Hey, sorry to call so late. I was wondering if you knew a Mandy McFadden?"
"Yeah, who's this?" I could hear him taking a gruff, macho tone.
"Her cousin, it's kinda a family thing." I strained to keep any anger out of my voice.
I heard the boyfriend's voice, distant and faint, "It's your cousin, sounds like something important."
Mandy was confused when she answered. "Hello?"
"Mandy, it's me, Quinn. Where are you, babe? You're late coming home and I'm worried."
She threw out the excuse she might have used on me when she got home, if she had come home at all. "I'm working late, Quinn."
"Oh. Todd said you left half an hour ago. I thought you might be grocery shopping."
"No," She stammered, "I did stop for gas, though."
"Gas? I didn't know your ex-boyfriend sold gas."
There was silence on the line, then: "I came over here to bake cookies. You know how bad the stove at your place is."
"Baking cookies?" I asked, and I lost my cool. "Look, today is Thursday. You have until Friday to get your shit out of my place. Otherwise it's going on the corner with a 'Free' sign on it. Your cats, your bird, all of it." And I hung up.
I got home and before I took off my shoes I was gulping grape vodka like it was water. In under an hour I was making teary-eyed, good-bye phone calls to friends. One of them must have called my mother's house, because she was over in less than an hour, and after some pursuading she took me to a mental health facility. I was checked in and put on suicide watch, but the nurses and doctors didn't take it too seriously. They saw me for what I was: a drunken, mellow-dramatic teenager.
AFTER
When I woke up most of the bums were cleared out of the common area. There were three nurses smoking cigarettes on a patio, and a man wrapped in a bedsheet up to his head sitting on the floor eating cornflakes.
"Where'd you get those?" I asked him.
"Nurse." He answered. When I waved to the nurses outside, one of them came in and got me a disposable bowl and spoon along with single-serving containers of milk and cornflakes. She did it without speaking to me, and when she was done she went back outside to smoke another cigarette.
I gobbled down the cereal, and then leaned back in the same chair I'd been in when Roberta had approached. Remembering her suddenly I searched the room for her Looney Toons sweater and mis-matched socks, but she was gone. The man in the blanket finished his breakfast slowly, then stood, still wrapped in his blanket, and moved to sit on the floor next to me.
"What are you doing here?" He asked.
I wasn't sure how to answer. Was he picking a fight? Was he making conversation? "I uh, threatened to kill myself and everyone over-reacted."
"Huh." He nodded. "I tried to kill myself, too. What did you use?"
"Well, I didn't actually do anything, that's why I think everyone over-reacted. I was drunk and talking stupid." I pushed my hands into my jacket pocket and felt the empty cup from last night.
He nodded again. "I used heroin. Good way to go, if you ask me. Why'd you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Try to kill yourself." He took the blanket off his head, dropping it to his shoulders. He had short black hair, wolfish features, and a scraggley goatee.
"Well, I caught my woman at another man's house." I furrowed my brow at the memory.
"Ha." He laughed, throwing back his head. "Know what happened to me?"
"No." I answered honestly. "I don't."
He pulled a ring out of his pocket. "I took my girl out to dinner, nice place, downtown. I proposed. She said yes." He stopped.
"What?" I asked, confused. "Did you not really want to marry her?"
"I ain't done yet." He told me. "We get home and we start getting it on. I mean hot and heavy. She sucked my dick like a mother fuckin' Hoover. Bitches love marriage." Again he stopped, but this time I didn't say anything. He looked at me expectantly.
"And?" I asked.
"So I start to go down on her, right? I'm givin' her my best mustache ride and then I give her the shocker, but it was me who got shocked."
"What?" I asked. He had lost me completley.
"I pull my fingers out, and stuck to them is a used mother fucking condom. We haven't fucked with a condom in a year and a half."
My eyes shot open and my jaw dropped. "Holy fuck!" I exclaimed.
"So I kicked the shit out of her, yelled, she yelled and screamed and called the cops. I split before they showed up, went to a buddie's house and tried to kill myself. My buddy finds me on the bathroom floor, calls 9-1-1. When I woke up, I was in the hospital, and then I got taken here." He shook his head.
"Jesus Christ." I said.
"How long are you in for?" He asked.
"What?" I didn't hear his question I was so focused on the idea of a used condom coming out, stuck to my own fingers.
"When is your 51/50 bullshit over?"
"Like, two in the morning. You?"
"Me?" He said, like the thought had just struck him, "I don't think I'm gonna make it out of here alive."
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-04-27 17:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fey be best one first fan!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-01 16:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard the boyfriend's voice, distant and faint, "It's your cousin, sounds like something important."
Mandy was confused when she answered. "Hello?"
"Mandy, it's me, Quinn. Where are you, babe? You're late coming home and I'm worried."
She threw out the excuse she might have used on me when she got home, if she had come home at all. "I'm working late, Quinn."
========
This part doesn't make any sense to me, if she knows that you called his phone, wouldn't she realize you know she's at his house? Maybe I'm missing something.
Anyways, you were right again, the before part was kind of dramatic and lame, but I'll ignore it and only rate the after, which was great.
Ha, "AFTER" was kind of awkward, by the way.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-24 10:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-22 21:26:36 CDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So, that rubber had been in conflakes dude's fiance's twat for a whole year and a half? Is that really possible? I'd have been pissed, too.
--------------------------
*blinks*
Astounding levels of naivety above.
Good sir(_cowman), glad to see you writing again.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-03-23 17:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-23 16:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-03-23 07:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-22 22:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So, that rubber had been in conflakes dude's fiance's twat for a whole year and a half? Is that really possible? I'd have been pissed, too.
Maybe it's because I already read part one yesterday, but BEFORE didn't do it for me. It read like you cranked it out in a hurry. AFTER was better than BEFORE, but not as good as part one. The cornflakes dude was cool, but I was looking forward to another encounter with Sylvester-the-Cat lady. In fact, the two of them together would have been interesting.
______________
I felt like part one wasn't as good, but mostly because it revealed that i was a mopey teenager in a shitty situation. AFTER was definatly better, and yes, whoever pointed it out, part two had more typos that part one. Also, expect the ending to the hell series and maybe, just maybe, the gingerbread crap that i started months ago. maybe. if i keep drinking at this rate, i will continue to crank out writing, otherwise, FUCK EVERYONE.
-------------------
You created two good characters. You just didn't go very far with them.
______________
This is mostly non-fiction. I kinda of combined multiple experiences to write this, but non of that characters were created. I didn't want to exagerate or create anything because, to me, when youm begin to amke things up in a peice that is mostly non-fiction, the quality drops way low. if this was fic. i might have had more crazy lady and cornflakes guy, but this is pretty much how it happened to me, and i didn't want to embelish.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-23 16:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-03-23 07:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-22 22:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So, that rubber had been in conflakes dude's fiance's twat for a whole year and a half? Is that really possible? I'd have been pissed, too.
Maybe it's because I already read part one yesterday, but BEFORE didn't do it for me. It read like you cranked it out in a hurry. AFTER was better than BEFORE, but not as good as part one. The cornflakes dude was cool, but I was looking forward to another encounter with Sylvester-the-Cat lady. In fact, the two of them together would have been interesting.
______________
I felt like part one wasn't as good, but mostly because it revealed that i was a mopey teenager in a shitty situation. AFTER was definatly better, and yes, whoever pointed it out, part two had more typos that part one. Also, expect the ending to the hell series and maybe, just maybe, the gingerbread crap that i started months ago. maybe. if i keep drinking at this rate, i will continue to crank out writing, otherwise, FUCK EVERYONE.
-------------------
You created two good characters. You just didn't go very far with them.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-03-23 07:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-22 22:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So, that rubber had been in conflakes dude's fiance's twat for a whole year and a half? Is that really possible? I'd have been pissed, too.
Maybe it's because I already read part one yesterday, but BEFORE didn't do it for me. It read like you cranked it out in a hurry. AFTER was better than BEFORE, but not as good as part one. The cornflakes dude was cool, but I was looking forward to another encounter with Sylvester-the-Cat lady. In fact, the two of them together would have been interesting.
______________
I felt like part one wasn't as good, but mostly because it revealed that i was a mopey teenager in a shitty situation. AFTER was definatly better, and yes, whoever pointed it out, part two had more typos that part one. Also, expect the ending to the hell series and maybe, just maybe, the gingerbread crap that i started months ago. maybe. if i keep drinking at this rate, i will continue to crank out writing, otherwise, FUCK EVERYONE.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-03-23 06:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-22 20:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
true?
I wish my life was exciting
_______________
Like David Sedaris says "When people ask me if these stories are true, I prefer to say that they are true enough."
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-22 23:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, that rubber had been in conflakes dude's fiance's twat for a whole year and a half? Is that really possible? I'd have been pissed, too.
---
You must be joking.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-22 22:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So, that rubber had been in conflakes dude's fiance's twat for a whole year and a half? Is that really possible? I'd have been pissed, too.
Maybe it's because I already read part one yesterday, but BEFORE didn't do it for me. It read like you cranked it out in a hurry. AFTER was better than BEFORE, but not as good as part one. The cornflakes dude was cool, but I was looking forward to another encounter with Sylvester-the-Cat lady. In fact, the two of them together would have been interesting.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-22 21:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Spell check a little bit better next time otherwise fairly solid.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-22 21:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is this the end?
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-22 21:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2008-03-22 21:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my new favorite writers.
It's posts like these that NEVER get the publicity they fucking deserve. This shit is good. FUCKING good. More people need to be able to see and appreciate this Goddamnit.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-22 21:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Going to be another instalment?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-22 21:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
so if you called the chick at her ex's house why did you ask her where she was and why did she lie doesn't she realize YOU called HER or is the point you two are just fucking stupid and a 5150 is 72 hours minor or not unless you're britney spears i realize that comment is for part one but i actually read them in the order you requested if you can believe that and this is pretentious shite so don't ever fucking tell me how to read your shit again you fucking mellow-dramatic teenager
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-22 20:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
true?
I wish my life was exciting
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-22 20:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's spelled like this ---> melodramatic
i noticed a handful of other spelling and grammatical issues, but it's not worth pointing them out.
ps, this only reads like a Tarantino movie if you removed a pretty solid fucking chunk of the talent behind them.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-22 20:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment