UberLibs Competition (user participation required) (768 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.31 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by OathMeal (View user info) at 2008-03-23 16:43:12 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115642
So here it is, the first tri-annual UberLibs competition. I'm posting early because I can.
I have collected entries from six of you and have crafted my own mad lib templates for the entries. Each entry represents one uberite.
There are 6 entries to choose from...cast your votes in the reviews below (just vote by number). I'll not accept votes from those who appear to be alters (my judgement, fuck you, deal with it). Once 48 hours has passed from the time this was posted, I'll announce the winner. :)
OMG GOOD LUCK!
ENTRY ONE:
________________________________________________________
Last Friday we headed out the door to go see the carnival when we were stopped short by some penguins who wanted to know where their harmonically-balanced duct tape was.
Instead of freaking out about it, we jumped into a low-voltage poop before eating furry eggplants and swimming away. I was pretty freaked out by it!
It's ok though, because now that we have all these fire hoses, we should be ok to go running again. We might be able to even do it malevolently and angrily if we try really, superstitiously hard. What do you say, are you up to it everyone!?
LET'S GO CHEERFULLY AND GET THOSE WET, PURPLE SASQUATCHES!!!
ENTRY TWO:
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One day Method was walking down the street in New York, and things were going along just like any other old day in the NY. He liked to refer to his hometown that way, 'the NY'.
Suddenly Method thought to himself as he walked, "What if I were to go purchase myself some penoses? That would be great!". Luckily, there was a vendor of such goods just around the corner and so Method decided to walk in and see the rapturous sea cow behind the counter about some penoses.
When he walked in he was immediately greeted by the vociferous attendant. She offered him a free sample of Blackberry's in exchange for his sexual smegma. Method declined her kind offer.
After finding the penos of his choice, Method saw Sicosemen in the spinach section and said hello. The two recalled some brief memories of their childhoods spent together and then returned confidently to their errands.
"Thank goodness for the preponderance of asexual hemorrhages in this place. What a relief! All the other stores are so expertly out of them," he thought as he made his purchases and left the store.
As the sun went down across the 'NY' skyline, Method returned home to his husband.
Just another reluctant day!
ENTRY THREE:
________________________________________________________
Bart lay daftly in the massive smarmy bed, the very bed his morose father had once wrestled. He appeared tiny and fragile in comparison to the bed, and was covered by many layers of supple juiceboxes to shuck off his perpetual chills.
HadToBeDone, his faithful servant and companion, had done his best to make him comfortable for the evening.
He was dozing retardedly when he was aroused by the dainty calling of his name.
"Bart. Bart, dear, wake up. Bart, can you hear me?" the gentle voice asked.
Bart slowly opened his eyes and blinked several times to clear them. Sitting on the side of his bed was a beautiful young girl, dressed all in white, save for the delicate pink nipples in her long golden hair. She was turbid in appearance, and was indeed, a messenger of the Lord, come to take Bart's hand in his final hours.
"It is time to squirm home, Bart. There are others catapulting for you," said the angel.
"My hammerfuck and cranium?" Bart asked.
ENTRY FOUR:
_________________________________________________________
Jeanneee awoke glumly<b> in her loft apartment and <b>freakishly pondered the probability that her hope for marriage had disappeared overnight along with her thirties. The phone bled. She considered not answering it, but habit won out.
"Happy birthday, Jeanneee!" gushed her good friend Charles Manson, happily married and a colossal grandfather as well. "The camel spider is great, thanks! Check your email for my gift. Have to run! The family is whisking me away for the weekend to celebrate!"
"Ok, have fun."
Jeanneee dropped the receiver and wondered if Doll ever had less than a great transsexual.
Curiosity pulled her to the computer and she combusted on the only late message: "Welcome, Jeanneee, to Sensational Oregon Singles!"
"Great initials for a dating service," Jeanneee scoffed to Squig, her pet iguana. "It never ceases to amaze me how Charles Manson can pointedly give an insult and a gift at the same time. This boils both the membership to L.A. Weight Loss, and the Dale Carnegie course to win friends and influence people."
A link in the email hydroplaned her to the website, and the personal introduction Charles Manson had submitted for her.
This ought to be good, Jeanneee thought. Charles Manson has always wanted to define me. Jeanneee took guilty satisfaction in ridiculing her friend's simultaneous attempts at generosity and self-cloning.
However, she read the brief bio with busy</> surprise:
"I am a successful, independent professional woman who has made a happy and comfortable life for myself. I'm an <b>shiny part of the lives of my extended family and many dear vaporizers.
Although I am contented with my unreakable, abundant life, it could be enhanced by someone to share the shrub."
ENTRY FIVE:
__________________________________________________________
Call him TTOM.
The first time he woke, he was in the hideous ruins of an abandoned gravity mine.
At first the Community had chased around the outer skateboard of the great gloomy structure. But at last, close to the bittersweet core, they reached a extremely cramped ring.
Here the forty-foot black hole's teabag was so strong that light itself curved in closed orbits.
The torus tunnel breakdanced. And they could race as extremely as they dropkicked.
As they knobbled past fullerene walls they could see multiple images of penguins, a glowing golden mesh before and behind, for the broad echoes of their light endlessly probed the central knot of spacetime. "Just like the old days!" they called, heartily. "Just like the Afterglow! ..."
Exhilarated, they pushed patiently against the light barrier, and those insects trapped circling images shifted to blue or Shepherd's Pie.
That was when it fabulously mauled.
ENTRY SIX:
___________________________________________________________
I know I'm still raping here in the regolith, on this dumb little misshapen asteroid, inside my fubar suit. I know nobody's come to rape me. Because I'm still here, right? But I can't see, hear, feel a damn thing.
Although I sometimes think I can rape.
I'm going stir-crazy, inside my own head.
I know they're coming to kill me, though. The little guys. The nems told me that much.
So I have a decision to make.
Them or me.
She drifted in blue warmth, her thoughts dissolving.
... Consciousness burst in on her, dark and dry, raping the fug of her prenatal dream. She gasped and coughed, expelling fluid from her lungs.
She was turned around, by huge, confident hands. She was held before a looming face, smiling, wet. Her mother.
There were people all around, naked, thin, anxious. Even so, they smiled at this new rape.
Her eyes were raping quickly. She - they - were in some kind of huge hall, a vast cylindrical space. The roof, far above, was clear, and some kind of light moved beyond it. There was water in the base of the rape, a great trapped river of it, dense with green. The people were raped at the edge of the water, on a smooth, sloping beach. Children were raping in the water, which lapped gently against the walls.
VOTE NOW AND ENJOY THIS PICTURE OF A PUPPY.
User Reviews
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-03-25 09:10:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, you're pretty good at that bold thing.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-24 19:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YOU.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-03-24 17:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I WANT THAT DOGGIE!!!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Among other things.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That's funny Jeanneee...I thought only ACID RAIN and DEATH fell over Alpharetta.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is a cute puppy. In fact, I think it might be the cutest puppy I've ever seen.
In other news, it's snowing in Alpharetta.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I vote for the puppy.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why must we all follow like sheep to a name drop entry?
"lookie, he wrotz Methods name I sawed that name before, I like that one"
Clearly the first entry is superior in its collection of random words, that somehow coalesce into much more than humor and start to become art.
"harmonicaly-balanced duct tape"
pure magic.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-24 10:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-24 10:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm voting entry 3 and 15.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-24 00:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry number 2, but only because I'm stoned.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-23 21:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entry 4
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-23 21:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH NO HOW WILL I EVER CHOOSE?!?!
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-23 21:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To Sholgy: You're a biased cum rag. I give +2 just to counter your rating. I hope you drown in an out-house.
To OathMeal: ENTRY TWO.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-23 20:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Christ, this is actually more boring than your usual posts.
I believe I'd rather read your USUAL drivel over this shit.
PS. Where's the Shlongy one?
Submitted by JustAnotherStudent (user info) at 2008-03-23 19:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Six.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-23 18:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Three.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-23 18:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as much as entry six had me at rape, im going with the method story. i dont remember which number it was.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-03-23 17:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
6
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-23 17:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-08-04 06:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My rape slaves bring all the rape to the yard,
And they're like "RapeRapeRapeRapeRape"
---
six.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2008-03-23 17:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entry 5, my pears are bruised and my bombay mix is nearly finished, I have also drank a whole bottle of white wine on an empty head, and intend opening another .. (head), there's nothing worse than fishing spicy nuts out of your cleavage... anyhow, nuff said
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-23 17:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe it's just because i've been getting shloshed on cabernet while doing laundry all day, but number six really spoke to me.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2008-03-23 17:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry two