Happiness (628 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.97 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rillins (View user info) at 2008-03-24 09:54:33 EDT
Her stomach did a flip as the pilot showed off to her dad.
"See how the handling is? It's like a dream! I wouldn't even attempt to try this in a Cessna!"
The pilot was charming and spewed his sales pitch like a greasy car salesman
"Oh yeah!"
Her dad had been devastated the week before when Grandma died, he broke down at the funeral and was unable to continue the eulogy for a full minute.
"You like that little girl? You think it'll be fun to travel with your dad? Boy, nothing builds relationships with the kids like a BeechCraft!"
His smile was on her, but his eyes danced on her father's face, searching for the right button to push.
Her dad nodded mutely, eyes shining with the reflections of the dashboard.
She remembered that gleam, it was the same one that he had when they visited the lawyer after the funeral. Her Grandma's lawyer ushered them into his plush office and offered them each a soda. She really wanted one but her dad had refused for both of them.
"She's left you a small fortune Pete!"
The lawyer sat on the edge of his desk, not wanting to be cold and impersonal; he had read about that in a magazine.
"All you have to do is sign here."
She recalled his signature, stunted and short, going no where, leaving ample room in the signature box.
The plane rolled left, scattering a group of geese traveling south for the winter.
Her dad laughed, like a boy drowning ants in urine.
"It handles like a roadster! Just tell me where to sign!"
Her father was ushered into the small office at the private airport, his daughter quietly at his heels. They were offered leather chairs to sit in until the sales manager could make himself free to visit with them.
"Oh wow, this is the life isn't it? Who would've though old Pete would turn out to own his own airplane? Now I've just got to find someone to give me some lessons! Greg and Bill are just going to flip when they see this! I'm going to paint it Ferrari red!
In the old days Greg and Bill would sit on their couch, cracking their peanuts, and drinking her dad's beer. They would all laugh at the commercials and scream at the football game; while flecks of unchewed peanuts ground into the carpet.
Now Greg and Bill sat on their Italian leather couch, cracking their peanuts imported from somewhere, and drinking her dad's beer; brewed locally in his name, just for him. They would sit and stare at the high-def television and laugh at all of the people on channels that didn't speak English and scream at all of the people on the channels that didn't speak English.
The sales manager and her dad hashed out a deal, signing papers and shaking hands.
He seemed like a nice man; he dressed like he did an honest day of work and played with his children when he got home. He offered them both some soda, her dad refused, wanting to hurry through the process.
"When I get my plane, it's gotta be Ferrari red. Since I'm getting a plane that color, might as well get a car that color too! You got a dealership around here?"
Her dad salivated on the word "dealership".
They pulled up to the dealership in a taxi.
"Fifty bucks? You want fifty bucks? We were just down the road! You people are all the same, you greedy bastards just take and take! Whatever, fine! Here's your stinkin' fifty bucks! And here's a tip for ya! Your cab smells like shit, clean it out!"
The cab driver was stunned as Pete indignantly flung fifty bucks at him.
The Ferrari dealership was really nice, there was a bowl of candy and a nice sitting area where she waited for her dad to finish ogling the cars. He test drove ten.
She watched him through the window, hair windblown, cheeks red. After each car his eyes got a little bit wider.
He tested the eighth one again; almost skipping into the sales manager's office when he finished.
He refused the free sodas and laughed along with the sales manager, dotting I's and crossing T's. His signature scrawled along the bottom line like a centipede.
She sat in the lawyer's office quietly, accepting the free soda.
Of course her dad had been bragging about the plane, of course he had to show Greg and Bill. He still hadn't taken pilot lessons, or even read the safety manual. All the money in the world could have taught him.
But all the money in the world couldn't have predicted the drunk driver that hit them on the way to the airport. The lawsuit was quick, he had plead guilty.
"He's left you a small fortune!"
The lawyer sat in his chair, he wanted to look professional and important; he had read about that in a magazine.
"All you have to do is sign here."
User Reviews
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-25 10:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 New Chemist Position Promotion for S.I. Co. Semen
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-25 03:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-03-24 19:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to write fiction that got 300 hits and a 1.9 rating. I tell you what, it's fucking refreshing to see that it still exists.
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Welcome to every post of mine, ever. Except the one about boobs, and I never even followed up on it.
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2008-03-25 01:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
...knew the dad would have to die, but I would have preferred an alternate method. Random auto accident is a pretty tired medium when it comes to story-telling.
Of course, stastically speaking...that's not going to change anytime soon, considering how popular random auto accident is in the real world.
All in all, solid story...keep em coming.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-24 20:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-03-24 19:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to write fiction that got 300 hits and a 1.9 rating. I tell you what, it's fucking refreshing to see that it still exists.
-----
You should start doing that again as soon as possible.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-03-24 19:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to write fiction that got 300 hits and a 1.9 rating. I tell you what, it's fucking refreshing to see that it still exists.
Barring Wookie's point about dropping the 'twist', this was solid.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2008-03-24 17:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A part of me thought I would click on this to find some sort of one-liner like '...is a warm gun'.
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I almost made that my review.
Good writing. Solid story. Keep it up.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-03-24 17:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
solid.
linkwhoring my story with a similar name: http://www.ubersite.com/m/60989
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very disney-ish with the parental loss
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha-PENIS. Tee-hee.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A part of me thought I would click on this to find some sort of one-liner like '...is a warm gun'.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good, good, good.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-24 13:07:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was expecting pictures of boobs and muscle cars and cheeseburgers but this will do.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-24 12:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rillins (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Wookie. I do appreciate the criticism. My thought was that the twist wasn't that he was going to die - we already knew that, the twist was that it wasn't his fault in how he died.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-03-24 11:05:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good. Really good. I signed in just to rate it, for whatever that's worth.
Maybe you already know you're a good writer...and maybe you don't. But if you you're actually looking for a little bit of honest, constructive criticism, I'll offer this for your consideration: I think that by dropping the twist ("But all the money in the world couldn't have predicted the drunk driver that hit them on the way to the airport.") so suddenly at the end in the manner that you did, it comes off a bit formulaic...and, in a bit of irony, predictable.
If you were to conceive of a way to work up to his (the father's) demise, while managing to obfuscate it up until its occurrence, I think this would be a more effective piece of writing.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-24 10:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-03-24 10:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment