Not so sweet 16- A look back on Queen's life. (1122 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.73 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Queen Mama <Queenxtc_.at.webtv.net> (View user info) at 2003-08-06 21:05:38 EDT
Looking back...
I was 16 when I first met my fiance, but we have been "together" since I was 17. I have to admit when I turned 21, and already had my son, there was allot of things I wished I had accomplished with my life before I settled into the family life. But family life for me also looking back now, I know is what I needed to settle down, and to stop the destructive and unhealthy life I had been living.
My mom had me at the age of 14, and my grandparents (who adopted her) accepted me into their lives with open and loving arms. They took me in as their daughter and raised me. My biological father never acknowledged me, and never took part in my life, so my grandfather was my 'daddy'. To this day I have seen my sperm-donor once, and have been told I have 3 half sisters- and one looks just like me, but with dark hair and eyes. He is a pretty prominent guy around this area, his father owned a bar that my grandmother used to work at, this is how my mom met him. He was about 3-4 years older than my mom, and was the town 'playboy'. But then again, the Grayson men, of Spring Texas, were known for being 'playboys', and womanizers.
There was also rumor that he had a son shortly after me with another teenage girl, but I have never heard any confirmation or heard any details of this boy in general. The woman that he has the 3 daughters with now, would have been another ''screw-n-leave', but he made one mistake with her, because when she got pregnant her father who was a minister, told Eddie (my biological father) that if he didn't marry her, he would kill him. So Eddie ended up in a shot-gun wedding, and his playboy, and making babies days were over.
My mom married my step-dad when I was about 3, and then they moved close by and stared a family of their own. When my grandfather passed away when I was 6, my grandmother and I moved to Utah, to take care of my great-grandmother. Life up there was ok, I loved being there with my grandmother, but kids were cruel and I was made fun of because of my southern accent, and because we didn't have allot of money. I wasn't the prettiest thing to look at either, being well fed by my grandmother, and wearing the local re-sale shop clothes to school, the kids had a hay-day tormenting me.
My great-grandmother didn't think too much of me, as I was not "blood", I wasn't really part of 'the family'. My grandmothers sister, who I called "Aunt", was just about as cruel as the kids at school. She would degrade me constantly, refer to me as the "mistake", and even went as far as to accuse me of my great-grandmothers death, by saying that I turned off her oxygen tank. The oxygen was still found blowing through the tubes when she was found dead, but an apology I never heard. I bonded with one person living in Utah, my Aunt Pat's hippie daughter Tonya. She loved me unconditionally, and would hang out with me all the time. I remember when I was about 11, she would tell me to put a towel at the crevice of my bedroom door, and she would smoke in my room. I always told her "that smells sweet", only to later discover when I moved back here to Texas, that "sweet" smell was weed.
We moved back down to Texas when I turned 13, shortly after my great-grandmother passed away. So all the sudden, I had a step-dad, and 3 siblings and a '2 mom' kindof situation going on. All of 7 of us living in a 3 bedroom mobile home, in the same mobile home neighborhood, I lived in until I was 6. All the while, going through puberty...lol.
My step-dad and I were like oil and water, we just didn't mix. He acted as though for us to be living in "his house" was nothing more than an inconvenience, and made adjusting to being a 'big-sister' and having a dad now all the sudden, very difficult. I rebelled by getting in trouble with the law, hanging out with the "wrong kids", and him and I would erupt into huge physical fights. We moved into his dad's home in about 92-93- a very large 4 bedroom home in a very upscale neighborhood after his dad decided to move back to New Braunsfuls.
You would think life would have started to look up, but it only seemed to plummet even worse with the relationship between my parents, as they grew more and more distant from me. I had never felt like more of a 'black sheep' in my entire life. My grandmother ended up taking refuge in the garage apartment the home had, to escape all the fighting and screaming that constantly would erupt in my household.
After a break-up with a boyfriend of mine, I went to the hospital one day, having an anxiety attack. Shorty after, I was diagnosed with bi-polar, selective personality disorder, manic depression, with psychopathic tendencies when in bi-polar rage. I was institutionalized when I had just turned 16, for about 4-5 months, all that the state issued health insurance would cover. I was prescribed Lithium, and was sent on my way home.
Home life seemed to be much calmer, as, now that I was on Lithium, I had a much more 'o-well' kindof attitude towards being treated like a regret. It took allot more to upset me. I was on my meds for about 5 months, but my step-dad could never get a job that offered insurance or benefits, as he was a chronic pot smoker, and his profession was 'lube-tech'. So when the state issued medical insurance was taken away, so was the ability for me to be on my very much needed medication.
I was pretty much out of the house and doing my own thing by the latter part of 16. My mom sent me to live with a friend of hers for awhile, then after that I lived with friends of mine, and laid my head where ever there was a safe place to sleep. All because home life with him was made impossible by his obvious jealousy for the fact that I wanted a relationship with my mom, and I wasn't "his kid". Along with their inability to keep me on my medication, and they were not willing to try unless they could.
I met my fiance when I was 16, we dated for a while then I broke it off with him, because that time in my life was so flighty and I never knew from day to day where I was going to end up. We got back together shortly after I was 17. He was the first guy I had ever met that accepted me 100% with no reservations, knowing my background, my disorder, my need for medication, and my overall dim view on my own life, because of the pattern and lifestyle I had been dealt. He took me in with open arms and loved me unconditionally. We have had our fair share of ups and way-way downs, allot because of my disorder, and allot because I had very high expectations for the life I wanted to live, and when my fairy-tale, soap-opera romance wasn't looking so lovely, I would go on these rampages, and lose control.
He was the one that taught me that life isn't perfect, and to expect it to be perfect, without a trace of any problems was an un-reasonable goal, that I would falter under if I didn't let it go. When I realized to accept myself, love myself, and love what I had instead of what I wanted, I learned to be a much happier person.
My parents and I, am happy to report have a much better relationship now, of course I'm sure it has allot to do with the fact that I have a home and family of my own now. My mom and I have always been close, even through the darkest moments of it all, she seemed to understand me on levels I never thought anyone could. My step-dad ended up landing a much more secure job, and even though he is still a pot-smoker, I have been known to blaze with dad every now and again, as that seems to be laughs and giggles of bonding moments for us. They love their grand-kids with no ending passion, and overall my family has become more normal.
My fiance and I are scheduled for marriage in Oct. 2004, and all in attendance will be friends and family, that have witnessed some of the darkest and happiest moments throughout my life, and our lives together. I will be lighting a candle in remembrance of my grandparents, as without them, my life would have been impossible. Even throughout all the wicked times, hateful things said, and actions regretted, I love my family, and wouldn't trade them in for the world.
Thanks for reading this, and always remember, to never take anyone, or anything for granted, because when they are gone, you will never know what you could have had, or had the chance to create. Love, and focus on what you have, instead of what you wish you could have. Memories you take with you, materialistic things stay behind.
Love, Queen
User Reviews
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-14 16:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How much of the taxpayers dollars did you and your "family" suck away from us?
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-08-07 15:04:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lisa- The kids actually had and still do have a very calming effect on me, surprisingly enough. I've always focused on making sure they had a stable and 'quiet' atmoshphere, which is unlike what both me and my fiance had. I guess it has allot to do also knowing that I control every aspect of their lives, and I inturn am the one that molds the beginning shapings into the people they will become...=)
Insane- I hear ya babe. And now my fiance and I are having a hard time getting me covered on his insurance, b/c our last names are different, and untill we can 'show proof' of common law marriage, they won't cover me. All in a matter of time I guess, as long as I keep myself out of outwardly and obvious stressful situations and don't let things get to me too bad, I can pretty much get by. If I do go through an episode, he always understands it's something I can't help...He's always been very understanding.
xoxo Queen
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-07 11:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So when the state issued medical insurance was taken away, so was the ability for me to be on my very much needed medication.
**************************************
I am experinecing the same problem myself as we speak. Doesn't it suck how the ones that seem to need it the most are the ones that don't get the help?
Where's my invitation?
Congratulations
INSANE
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-08-07 10:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, long read, but worth it for the morals inlaid within.
It's good to hear that things are finally on the up and up. Congratulations on the marriage.
How are your youngins doing? Do they drive you insane?
Submitted by ColonBowell (user info) at 2003-08-07 04:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get famous. Problem solved. Worthless Junkie Extrordinaire Me says you could become a musician or something.
Anyways, this could be a cult classic book.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-08-07 04:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story and a plus 2 because I damn sure don't have it in me to put my entire history out there like that.
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-08-07 04:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Colon, You know, I have actually thought about writing an autoiography, but then I think, I'm not famous, so who the hell wants to read my life story? Do things like this really make it out there? I mean, shit, this isn't half of the drama that made my life...lol...this is all I felt like exposing today...lol.
Queen
Submitted by ColonBowell (user info) at 2003-08-07 04:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story was Über sad.
You get thumbs up from me.
Submitted by ColonBowell (user info) at 2003-08-07 04:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sad shit. I'm not in nearly as bad a situation, although my father disowned me recently.
Called me a worthless piece-of-shit junkie (although I don't do heroin).
Fuck it, I can't step to that. Write a book, you'll make money off of your misfortunes.
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-08-07 03:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tinitina-
Wow, the blue sounds very nice. And omg, ya'll must be some speed planners, planning that thing in a week! Girl, I still look thru bridal mags, even though I already have my dress and everything...lol. And you not rambling at all, I could talk about this for daaayyysss......lol.
Queen
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2003-08-07 00:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She is getting married this year. And it was a blast planning it. Her dress is stunning, with tiny colored flowers all over it. I am maid of honor, and I got to pick out the bride's maid's dresses as well as mine. They are navy blue. There's is going to be a whole lot of blue everywhere. She is army and he is air force, and they are in different states, so my sister had to do pretty much all the planning herself in a week while she visited us in June, because the wedding will be at Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland. I'm rambling too. ^_~
Don't you just love looking through Bridal magazines?
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-08-07 00:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Btw, thank you all for your sweet words and congrats. It really means allot to me! I will keep all of you in my prayers, and thoughts.
love, Queen
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-08-07 00:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Titinita,
Isn't the whole wedding thing a blast?? I love the whole planning process. I planned it so far in advance as to have plenty of time to enjoy it, and buy things throughout the year and such, and not have anyone be out of any money struggling to get things done at the last minute. A December wedding hu? This year or next? I bet that will be so beautiful! I am really getting into the fall wedding idea, and colors, but that time of year I also considered, but ended up choosing Ocotber, b/c as far as my family is concerned (and his) there are no birthdays or anything else going on that month, and I love that month anyways. The original date was Nov 13, 2004, but there are like 3 birthdays that month, and thanksgiving on top of it all. I went with the 13th, b/c both my kids are born on the 13th. But if you take 10-24-2004 and add the digits, you get 13! cool hu..?...=) I bought a dress of of e-bay, it's beautiful, but we decided against it later, as not only is it too small, the style wasn't right for me. We later (like 3 weeks later) found the perfect dress for me, and stuck it in lay-a-way that same day! We got it out a month later, and it's patiently waiting at my mom's house, with the other dress I think we are going to sell or something.
I have TONS of wedding sites and stuff saved in my favorite folders, if your sister needs any good websites to go to for wedding ideas or deco tips, give me a holler =)
The wedding so far is looking pretty traditional, we are going to get married in a church (I think) and the reception is going to be held in my sister-n-laws big beautiful back yard. We are going all out with the hay bails, pumpkins and corn stalks, ect. My family is real own to earth and casual, so something very formal just wasn't us. Thanks for asking tho, and I realize now i'm rambling! Let me know how things go with her wedding, i'm anxious to hear all about it =)
Queen
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-08-07 00:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2003-08-07 00:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cheers to you Queen. I wish you the best in your marriage and life!
-BongZilla
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-08-07 00:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also to further elaborate, to all that didn't read the previous post where this particular 'career' was discussed, it was NOT prostitution. I worked as a professional dominatrix. I was hired on at the age of 16 and worked there a little into my 17th year, before I got with my fiance. My fiance and I got back together towards the end of my 17th year. I preformed no sexual gratification, I only dominated and fullfilled spanking, and torchure type fantasies.
Queen
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2003-08-06 23:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with everything in the future. I think that if you were able to get through such a tumultuous childhood so well, you can get through most anything else life can throw at you.
My sister is getting married in December, so I got to go bride crazy with her. Are you going to have a traditional ceremony? Have you picked out a dress?
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-08-06 23:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hair-
That 'sexy career' I had, lasted only a while and happen after I had moved out of my mom's friends place, and said I was living with friends. That was something I did at that point in time, before I got back with my fiance. It was short lived, as I was constantly moving, and never knew where I was going to end up. When he re-entered my life, there were things I had done, seen and experienced that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I know to this day, he was sent to me by my gaurdian angel. Had he not stepped back into my life, and been so persistant in winning my heart, I truly believe I would be dead today.
Queen
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-08-06 23:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Somewhere else you talked about some kind of sexy career - you want to expand on that?
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-08-06 23:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lol @ my typos too.
...the below was suppose to read
lol @ Lithium Junkie 8)~
Queen
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-08-06 23:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks to all of you and your sweet words =)
It was a long hard road, but I truly believe that it only makes you stronger.
Thank you 'yes' for clarifying that up for me, took the words outta my mouth.
And to fake Hidden, go to hell, no-one is ever convinced that you're the real one, so why don't you just bury yourself back in the steaming pile of dog shit you emerged from you parasite.
lol @ Lithium unkie 8)~
xoxo Queen
Submitted by yes at 2003-08-06 22:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good writing. c'est la vie, non?
matt - that was her mom that got preg at 14, and since the guy just ran off and wanted nothing to do with her mother, he was not a father, just a 'man-juice donor'
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-08-06 21:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for that.
that was a long hard trip.
good for you for being tough enough to come through.
Submitted by Helpertin <me.at.fakeemails.com> at 2003-08-06 21:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
seems like hidden is a real bitch. ALl i ever hear from him is 'ruff ruff ruff i'm a fucktard ruff ruff I hope someone fucks me in the ass ruff ruffffff I like to belittle those around me in hopes of bringing them down to my level ruff ruff ruff'
Anyhow nice story, you lithium junkie you 8o
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-08-06 21:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fake hidden is a dick.
i liked it. its a good read.
Submitted by jake_plummer (user info) at 2003-08-06 21:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what i meant to say was that i wish you happiness. I
Submitted by jake_plummer (user info) at 2003-08-06 21:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i read it. thank's for sharing. for what it's worth, i care. i hope you can find happiness.
jake
Submitted by hidden101 at 2003-08-06 21:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
All I saw was:
Blah blah, I'm a whore, blah blah blah blah blah blah and blah.
I hope you get raped by a bulldayke named Lisa.
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-08-06 21:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hope you enojoy the read,
=) Queen