Cyclists (970 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Disgusting Perversion
Rating: 1.68 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2008-03-26 18:16:03 EDT
(I have the flu. I'm at work, but I don't feel like working. So...)
Welk was in his workshop when he heard a knock on the side door. The overhead bay door was open to the sunny sidewalk and street.
"Come around!"
His workshop was an old garage, stocked with equipment needed to shape, cut, grind and weld metal. There was a time when he thought he might make it as an artist. He didn't have any artistic vision, but he knew a twisted piece of shit when he saw it, and he sold quite a few of his own knock-offs based on garbage that was selling for top dollar in New York and Los Angeles before the market for that kind of crap had dried up. He missed the eighties. Back then you could have sold a handful of shit to a man with the runs. Not anymore. Not in today's economic climate. Today you were lucky to just make do.
Which was why Welk was on the phone with some guy from Tulsa who needed the cylinders rebored on his small-block Chevy. At least that's what Welk thought the man was saying. The guy had a weird accent and pronounced his H's like he was hacking up a hair stuck in his throat.
There was another knock, the old wood of the side door rattling.
"Come the fuck around, I said!"
"You swore at me," the man on the phone said.
"No," Welk said, "I got some jackass—"
"Swore!" The R in swore was drawn out like a drum roll.
"Listen bud, I—"
"At me!" Et mih!
"Go fuck your hat," Welk said, hanging up.
Not that there was a lot of work going around these days. Stillwater was appropriately named. It was halfway between OK City and Tulsa. Once upon a time he got a lot of work from both towns. Now, not so much. Small stuff. Engine work. Jewelry repair. The odd bit of small scale custom work.
There was a rattling knock on the side door again.
"Dogfucking Christ," Welk said. He went to the door and pulled it open, gesturing toward the street and the open bay door, his mouth open to give this idiot an earful.
A slender blonde was standing in the shadowed alley between the garage workshop and the bakery next door.
"Thorry," she said. She had one hand against her chin, her fingers covering her lower lip. "I need thum metalwork done."
Welk took inventory in the blink of an eye. Hot pink flip-flops. Toes and fingernails painted cherry red. Baggy sweatpants, a belly-baring tee intended for a little kid judging from the tight fit. Skin as pale as the cream he dumped in his coffee and near-white hair that looked like it had been gelled or moussed in a wind tunnel. Metallic blue lips and big blue eyes.
Well aren't you just so damn fuckable, Welk thought. "Come in," he said, stepping aside. She was in her twenties, only half his age, but the fewer brain cells they had the better his chances of getting them into bed. And young pussy never got old.
Welk chuckled at that thought as the girl entered the shop. She didn't have any tit under that tight t-shirt, but the ass undulating beneath the baggy sweatpants made his laughter catch in his throat.
"What'th tho hilariouth?"
"Nothing, hunny-bunny. What can I do for you?"
She glanced at the open doors. "Can we have thum privathy?"
Welk thought the girl was cuter than hell but he was getting ready to slap that hand away from her mouth. He shrugged and closed the side door, then crossed the garage and thumbed the switch that lowered the big bay door. The wall of the shop darkened. Under the stark light of the fluorescent tubes overhead the girl glowed like some kind of ice cream treat. She was carrying a small bag that she set by her feet.
"I'm a thyclitht," the girl said.
Christ, Welk thought, first the asshole on the phone, now this. "A what?"
"A thyclitht," she said. From the look on her face she was frustrated with her lisp as well, and she spoke again, slowly. "A thy-cull-ist."
"A cyclist?"
"Yeth!" Her fingers were still covering the lower part of her mouth, so she only gave him half a smile.
"Awright. So how can I help you?"
"Boone recommended you," she said.
That wasn't a surprise. Boone was the only other guy in town, hell, in the county, who did the quality of work Welk was known for. That is until Boone blew off most of his fingers and all of his face in an explosion a few months back while working with his torch. People said that Boone now looked like Dr. Phibes in that old Vincent Price flick. People of Welk's generation said that, anyway.
"So, you need some work done on your bike?"
He got the big baby blues. "Thorry?"
"Your bike. Your bicycle. Need some work done on it?"
The girl laughed, still with the hand over the mouth.
Perfect ex-wife-to-be material, Welk thought. Judging by my track record. Cute and as annoying as hell.
"No, not that kind of thyclitht. I'm in a thycle club... not a thycling club."
Welk eased his ass onto one of his workbenches. "Okay, I'm lost. What are you talking about?"
"We thycle thingth. We thycle thingth through our bodieth."
She lowered her hand. There was a strand of chain coming out of her mouth. The links were very fine and appeared to be stainless steel. The chain disappeared into the t-shirt she was now pulling off, and the links dropped beyond the waistband of the sweatpants she was slipping out of, her pink flip-flops kicked free and sliding across the floor.
"No," Welk said.
The chain disappeared into a cloud of pubic hair as dark as night. The girl turned and bent a little, spreading those big beautiful ass cheeks, her red nails sinking into pale pillows of protuberant flesh.
The chain wasn't coming out of her mouth. It was going into her mouth. The chain was coming out of her ass.
"I'm thycling thith loop of chain," she said. "I'm juth-t a beginner."
"And what do you need me to do?" Welk's voice was dry and hollow.
"I need you to add in thome bigger linkth. I'm th-tepping up to a larger chain."
An hour later Welk was working with those fine links. The girl had brought some heavier chain in the bag she had been carrying. She had also brought cash. A lot of it. He tried to ignore her nipples and her hair as he worked on the section of chain a few inches below her mouth, replacing finer links with heavier ones.
"Is this safe?" He had asked that question a few times already.
"Of courth," she said. "Thith ith juth-t chain. Thome of the thyclithts are way path-t my th-tage. They do add-onth."
Before Welk could ask what an add-on was, there was a knock at the side door. He had gotten a blanket for the girl, and now he made sure she was covered up before he answered the door.
The man at the door was wearing a long coat and carrying a leather bag. He had a heavy length of steel chain going into his mouth. He brushed past Welk, slipping out of the coat.
Welk winced when the man turned around. The man was wearing a tight Speedo, and just above the waistband of the swimsuit was a glass ball that looked like the marbles Welk played with as a kid. Small glass balls were strung on the chain at intervals of a few inches. One of the balls was in his mouth.
"Boohne shent me," the man said, talking around the glass ball and metal chain in his mouth. He saw the girl and gave her a familiar nod. Then he set the leather bag on a work bench and opened it.
"I need theesh shmall glash bawlsh tagen off, and I need holesh drilled and my chain looped through theesh," the man said, gesturing toward the bag. "I'm shtepping up."
Once he recognized what he was looking at, Welk could only stare. The bag was full of cue balls.
After a moment Welk said, "That's gonna cost you."
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-04-05 00:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-04-02 08:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird. But good.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-27 17:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good, I thought perhaps she was going to be a tranny, and for some reason that would have annoyed me. I suppose because I wanted something interesting to actually happen with the covered lips, and it did, so here's your reward for producing.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-27 17:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This freaked me out.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wierdo
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-27 13:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*gurgles*
That was fabulous!
Thanks Jack you rounded off my uber day nicely.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-27 12:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unicyclists are so fucking weird - but I didn't know they all had lisps.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-27 10:17:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is this what the edgy youngsters are doing to be cool these days?
what happened to plain old penis bifurcation or sticking tea saucers in your earlobes?
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-27 08:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-03-26 19:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I get the feeling that, somewhere, ChaosJester is working on a new camwhore of himself cycling a Hot Wheels track, complete with little cars
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I just spit coffee all over my monitor.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-03-27 08:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-03-27 08:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus fuck.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-27 07:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet this was probably pretty good.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-03-27 03:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ju pull'n ma chane
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2008-03-27 03:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It must be neat to have a vivid imagination.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-27 00:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely written, especially the lisp. That lady was beginning to really annoy me. I was kind of disappointed she didn't play more of a part in the ending, though. Do people really do that shit now?
I was reminded of that joke with the monkey, too. In the version I heard it was peanuts instead of maraschino cherries.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-26 23:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
get well soon!
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-03-26 22:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of a joke
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-26 21:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To whomever asked where the idea came from... it was a dream. A lot of my short bizarre stories come from dreams. Here's another...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96755
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-03-26 20:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-26 20:11:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU?
Are a weirdo.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-26 19:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is a perfectly weird way to cap off an otherwise way-too-normal day.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-26 19:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by VitalGears (user info) at 2008-03-26 23:06:42 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to read more uber then. :D
------------------------------------------------
There's time, I am young - re-phrase, best thing I've read in the 5 days since signing up.
Doc only cured what was a terminal bout of dyslexia using snail testicles the day before last weekend, that would be Friday or summit - who knows, a big mystery by jove!
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-03-26 19:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for updating me on what's cool now. I lost touch with my bod-mod friends sometime around the whole "leech" thing.
I get the feeling that, somewhere, ChaosJester is working on a new camwhore of himself cycling a Hot Wheels track, complete with little cars.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-03-26 19:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what just happened.
Submitted by VitalGears (user info) at 2008-03-26 19:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to read more uber then. :D
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-26 19:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best thing I've read on here so far, nice one!
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHAHAH holy fucking jesus.
What the FUCK have you been smoking?
Great readin'.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.bmezine.com
--
No WAY I'm clicking on that link until I get home.
--
Pansy.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This has to be the most retarded thing I've ever read.
--
Well, now we all know you don't proof read your own uber posts.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.bmezine.com
--
No WAY I'm clicking on that link until I get home.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This has to be the most retarded thing I've ever read.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock Jack.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.bmezine.com
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-26 18:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well someone better rate this