The Phone Book Scandal. (534 hits)
Category: Politics -> LibertariansRating: 1.73 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ilikesteak (View user info) at 2008-03-26 23:12:52 EDT
The new phonebook has arrived today! They only put these out every few years, so it's especially important that you not be overlooked.
My heart races with such anticipation on such a joyous occasion, as one cannot help but savor the moment. The wonder of "Will I make it in this time around" and the political investments into such decisions being made. The county officials get so many people allotted to them, and thusly, they rule the area those people live in. This is important.
I am once again shamed. My name omitted from the list, my life thusly being deemed inconsequential by the phone companies. I gave them fair chance to put me in. They refused. Now to start the process over again.
I use my new book of names and numbers to decide the next course of action. I take the new book and place it on an empty shelf, line it up with eye level, and throw a dart into the front cover. This is how pick the target, by the deepest number hit. Everyone had the same chance to be picked, so I excluded any possibility of unfairness, unlike the people at the phone company. Who are they, so much better than me, that they can make the list and decide who is in, but I can't?
Whoever "Brian Langley" is, I'm sorry.
Time to once again use my new phone book. I drive down to city hall, and find the birth and death records for the family. I told the county official that I'm looking into buying a house in the area, and that I'd like the blueprints to their house. Nobody asked any questions.
My watch starts immediately. Cameras are always aimed into the house at all angles. Every room is watched, their every nuanced motion captured forever.
The adrenalin rush from breaking in to set up the cameras may be the most intense experience one can have. Every synapse running on overdrive, the senses elevated to superhuman levels, and a split between a sixth sense for danger and a panicked paranoia about getting caught, making sure nothing looks out of order while still doing a thorough job making the cameras seem invisible. It's as if time itself slows down, and this sudden inner peace takes over.
They operate on odd hours. They leave at eight in the morning, and return at six at night. On Wednesdays, they drive away for two hours together. Late at night, around two, one of them will occasionally leave alone. When they return, they'll walk differently than when they left. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they walk.
I enter at night through the window they keep unlocked.
The kitchen is my first stop. They got a sharp new set of steak knives, and I just can't resist.
After I raid their fridge, and have myself a sandwich. I make sure to be extra quiet, so the attack goldfish won't alert them to my presence. Saftey first.
The husband is the first to go. This guy keeps waking up to piss. By his third trip in, I decided he might notice me hiding in the closet. I killed him with a meat hammer. He dropped without a sound. Except that screaming sound just after a crunching sound. I drained the blood into the toilet, and I'll just clean that tomorrow.
The wife I decided to lock in the basement. I nailed her to the chair, so I know she won't get up and walk away. She decided to yell a lot about that, and it got really annoying. The kind of annoying that makes you want to hit people, but you don't, because you're in the library, and they'd ask you to leave for making too much noise, even though that asshole is turning his pages way louder than you're talking about how gay libraries are. She got all "whiny about being nailed to a chair," so I just decided to skip feeding her ever again.
I'd be worried about the smell from the body, but it's alright, because I used febreeze.
I take her liscense plates from her car, fold down the seats, put in his motorcycle, and drove off. I find an empty spot, remove the motorcycle, and set fire to the SUV. I hate those. She doesn't even have kids to haul around in it.
The next day, a neighbour came over. She heard strange noises.
"I'm terribly sorry about that. My wife left me last night, and we had a bit of an argument. She didn't say where she's going, or if she'll ever be back."
"I'm sorry to hear that. You live so close, and yet we've never formally met."
"Ohh. I'm Brian Langley."
I closed the door, and all was back to normal. The phone book is opened, as I am ordering pizza to celebrate being in the phone book once again.
...as it turns out, my real name is in here. Ohh well. At least there's pizza.
User Reviews
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-03-27 13:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not a bad read. The fact he picked the name from the phone book was done before (as mentioned below) but I kept reading anyway. I liked how he was so casual with some of his actions - like nailing the wife to the chair.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-03-27 12:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
People think all the time. Some people think in circles. Some people think in stories.
I sometimes wonder if there are people who think in numbers and when they look at the world they see trigonometry and patterns. It seems awfully unlikely though. I read somewhere (that means I saw it on TV) that the mind flashes through subjects when it's idle, looking for a topic that it is comfortable with and overlooking those which is not. I remember it vivedly because they demonstrated this with a black screen and flashing words like 'RAPE' and 'INCEST' on the screen before finally the screen settled on 'KITTENS'. Then they trawled out that vicious little lie about the sub-consious.
I know for a fact that everyone with a sister has consiously imagined raping her at one point or another in their lives. I know this because I know that people think all the time. They never stop untill they die. The sub-consious is the dog we blame for thinking about raping our sisters at the diner table.
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-03-27 10:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like I can ever play that!!
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-03-27 10:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-27 12:54:01 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-27 05:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, have you mastered Blackbird yet, Mr Guitar Man??
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It's been up for a while now. I even took it down and put it back up. Go ahead and look.
I'm only really showing my way to play it. I've since learned how he plays it, but it's more complicated. Mine makes a great template though.
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Sorry, I never thought to look :(
Yeah, I think it is solid but I really wanna play it. I sing it to my kids at night, just something basic to strum along to is all I need. I will have a look. :)
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-27 09:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-03-27 08:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I started reading this it made me think of that movie The Jerk, when Steve Martin is searching through the phone book for his name.
I enjoyed this post.
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Me too. Martins Jerk is hunted by the guy with the sniper rifle, who found his name in the phone book just like in this...HEY?!?
"somethings wrong with these cans."
"Everybody stay away from the cans!!"
God I'm old.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-27 08:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-27 05:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, have you mastered Blackbird yet, Mr Guitar Man??
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's been up for a while now. I even took it down and put it back up. Go ahead and look.
I'm only really showing my way to play it. I've since learned how he plays it, but it's more complicated. Mine makes a great template though.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-03-27 08:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I started reading this it made me think of that movie The Jerk, when Steve Martin is searching through the phone book for his name.
I enjoyed this post.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-03-27 08:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well done.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-27 07:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love darko and his blow
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-03-27 07:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm here for the hookers and blow
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-03-27 07:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Febreeze - nice touch.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-27 05:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, have you mastered Blackbird yet, Mr Guitar Man??
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-27 05:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice picture.
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2008-03-27 05:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Libertarians?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-27 04:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe nice.
I don't like cocaine, may I just have two hookers instead?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-03-27 04:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love da steak even if he doesnt care :( or look at my wonderous posts :(
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2008-03-27 04:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool, good to know you are still here.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-27 03:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty good. I'm glad you picked Brian Langley. Never did like his singing. http://www.infernalmajesty.ca/index1.html
Next time don't wing the dart so enthusiastically. Rick Astley's right up front.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-03-27 00:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls at the pub love that i know all the moves to'crank dat'.
Submitted by Gravity_Purple (user info) at 2008-03-27 00:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My last name starts with a V, so I'm pretty confident that this won't happen to me, as I don't imagine the dart piercing that far into the phone book. In which case, +2 for my general safety.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-03-27 00:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is so good i got wood.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-03-27 00:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. Morbid stories always do it for me, usually what I like to pull out during UberMadness.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-26 23:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man you're fucking weird. Still deserving of a plus two for a really good read. License maybe?
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-26 23:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-26 23:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My heart races with such anticipation on such a joyous occasion,
hahahah this was so ludicris (rapper?) that I laughed so much. Back to reading.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-26 23:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hookers and cocaine for EVERYONE!