My Roommate is an Asshole, and You Can Too! (938 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.13 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by These Boots were made for Sally Walker (View user info) at 2008-03-27 15:05:20 EDT
Dear Uber:
If you get this message, please help me. I am trapped in my room, with very little beer left. I'm sorry to send out this SOS but the situation has become critical.
You see, I have a roommate whom I do not like. I have toyed with different ideas of throwing him out, and I even told him once that he needed to move, but he just doesn't get the hint.
Let's be honest: roommates, in general, suck ass. If I had it my way I would live on an island far from the reaches of human contact. Well, maybe one other human for blow-jobs and such, but nobody else; and she wouldn't actually be allowed to talk.
Those are the rules of my island.
The last straw, incidentally; was when my roommate started using precious DVR space to record episodes of "Futurama", which, as you may already know, is an extremely unfunny show. I don't care if it's produced by Matt Groening, it still isn't any good.
Anyhow, because of the wireless network in my place, my roommate has to be in the living room to check his facebook account, the wall of which borders my room. He also accepts jesus christ as his eternal lord and savior.
Facebook is for faggots.
Jesus is for idiots.
Plus, the mother-fucker doesn't clean up after himself. He is a complete slob, which is something I cannot abide. Dear Uber, I hold the lease. Should I just give him notice? Or just put his bedroom furniture out on the street?
On a somewhat related note, before he moved in I had two extremely beautiful French girls (found on Craigslist) who wanted to stay in his room, but they were only going to stay for three months while they went to NYU for the summer. I met them in person, and even after seeing my place they still wanted to move in.
I told them I needed a more permanent person for the room.
So basically, I'm an idiot and I deserve this.
Believe me, I would like nothing more than to kick him out; the complication is that I work for a not for profit and I'm extremely poor.
But does that mean that I should have to suffer fools?
I'll let you be the judge, Uber.
User Reviews
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-18 22:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this one!!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-04-01 05:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dear blt, what the fuck are you on aboot? oh yes - you're stoned, of course. 4:20's in 13:55 neil young.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-04-01 04:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-03-29 07:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
So you're a clean freak that doesn't like futurama or facebook.
Yes, i believe i hate you.
---
now now, i wouldn't call myself a clean freak.
I just like a clean domicile. Is that so much to ask?
Submitted by Tjhom (user info) at 2008-03-31 05:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
CRUCIFY HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That would sort out like two problems
and minus two for the Stephen Colbert stealing.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-31 05:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its a paperless environment, doll-face. Gotta read something.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-31 05:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG that is sinister. I am gonna try the link and fill in the form. Thank you.
Pfft, The Times, online?!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-31 05:12:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Check this link Orphelia:
http://technology.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/tech_and_web/the_web/article3553216.ece
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-31 05:08:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RE deleting a FaceBook account. I went through the process on the 'Account' section and it just said I have deleted my account - but I can reactivate it at any time just by loggng in and using the link on my reactivation email.
I think you may be right there, FJ.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-31 04:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never use Facebook, its rubbish. I have an account but haven't checked it in weeks. Apparently its very difficult to delete an account, I read that somewhere.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-31 04:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just closed my account. I only had 13 friends and I was sick of people trying to add me. I did find out though, if i was going to be a vegetable, I would be brocolli. Apparently, this is not a good vegetable to be.
You'll hate FaceBook after 2 weeks. At least, I hope you do. I have a vision of who you are and to love FaceBook would destroy it.
You were my first review. You'll always be spacial. :)
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-03-31 00:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
UPDATE: I have caved and joined facebook.
laugh it up, fuzzball.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-29 08:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't remember if I'm supposed to like or dislike you so take this zero as a gratuity.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-03-29 07:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
So you're a clean freak that doesn't like futurama or facebook.
Yes, i believe i hate you.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-03-29 07:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I scrolled, blt. But I did see futurama sucks, and facebook, the jesus thing well people are entitled to believe whatever, and he probably didn't suck so much, he was just a little intense. Speaking of Jesus I was talking to somebody last easter weekend and there was a knock on the door. I said hang on a minute, opened the door and there were some private school kiddies resplendent in their uniforms looking slightly nervous.
"Gidday."
"Oh hi we're..."
[glances sternly]
"we've got this stuff..how about we just stick it under your doormat."
"Sure. Thanks."
"Have a nice day."
"okay...you too."
I took some garbage out later that day, came back, stooped, and knew exactly what it was I was picking up from under my doormat. "No greater love was given", and fuck me if jesus wasn't looking all forlorn and righteous on the cover.
"No greater love my arse" I thought. Tell that to the six trillion parents of eighty kabillion kids, the corpses on the beach at Omaha and strewn across the Kokoda Track, the mother who three or four weeks ago held her six month old above a raging torrent in flood waters then promptly had a heart attack and died flat out *dead* the minute they were pulled to safety, the umpteen thousand people who have died trying to save others. on a whim - a moments notice.
It made me wish I'd stooped to pick it up on the way to the bin, not on the way back. still it's landfill now.
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-03-29 04:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Room mates are for students. A lodger is semi acceptable, but on the whole, sharing is for the lower classes.
FaceBook is for people wishing to catch up with old friends and have intercourse with ex partners.
Y is a whore of a letter.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-03-28 13:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a roommate and he's a cool enough guy. We get along well enough. But I hear you on the slob part. It's freaking annoying.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-28 10:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sally, you just said the Futurama thing to be controversial. I can see through you, girl!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-03-27 22:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Futurama is awesome. Sorry your roommate is a slob.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-27 22:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
futurama is amazing.
Submitted by bri1232001 (user info) at 2008-03-27 21:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-27 21:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
KARMA, MOTHER FUCKER.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-03-27 21:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i still say futurama sucks.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-03-27 17:32:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Kiss my shiny metal ass. -2.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-27 17:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The last straw, incidentally; was when my roommate started using precious DVR space to record episodes of "Futurama", which, as you may already know, is an extremely unfunny show
-----
Auto stop reading -2
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-03-27 16:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your biggest complaints seem to be that he uses facebook and likes futurama. How very valid
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-03-27 16:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you're in City Year or Americorp you're a damn gay
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-27 16:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That hilarious review reminded you of all of THAT???
Seek psychiatric help, Jack - immediately.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-27 16:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nothing worse than stealing your post title from Steven Colbert...
...Unless it's using your alters to vote for yourself in UberMadness.
--
He reminds me of this desperate guy who came into the practice,
and we tried telling him he didn't need a plastic surgeon but
instead should be seeing a colo-rectal specialist, anyhow this
guy was a little whiny white guy, one of those closeted gays,
you know the kind, and he'd taken so many monster black dicks
up the ass over the years, a habit he got started on after he
got thrown in a general holding cell for a DUI and all these
gigantic gorillas ran him up and down their jig joints like
he was a living screaming Fleshlight, and anyhow, he became
addicted to jungle dick, and his asshole had been rebored so
many times by coon cock his sphincter had all the structural
integrity of mesoglea, you know, that gooey stuff that makes
up most of the body of a jellyfish, so now his asshole is as
loose as some chick who posts pictures of her cooze online
and so now all he ever does is shit on everything.
Other than that he's a real nice guy, though.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did this guy respond to the "tra la la ala lala looking for a roommate" post?
get a new job.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG YOU DONE MADE FUM OF ONE OF MY STORIES -2S FOR LYFE BEEYOTCH
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm going to -2 you just for not liking Futurama you philistine.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:32:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wow, off the front page. This is the first post I've ever done that has been kicked off the front page. I feel so... devirginitized.
Oh, and shlongy, it's a "ph"
you cretin.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and ubermadness doesn't seem to exist these days.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nah, stealing from stephen colbert is fine on ubersite as long as you make it obvious and it's thursday.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks Jack.
Futurama sucks, the rest of you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nothing worse than stealing your post title from Steven Colbert...
...Unless it's using your alters to vote for yourself in UberMadness.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
...left a brown grease ring around the tub that was a quarter inch thick, like some bizarre gasket.
______________________
That happens when I bathe sometimes.
Is that not normal?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A +1 in sympathy... I had a roomie from hell many years ago, an in-law to boot.
We would take turns doing the dishes... or I would wash MY dishes when I used them. For a period of a few months I was working nights shifts (you get a little spaced out after working nights for a few months) and I ate a lot of take-out food on the job, so no dishes. Meanwhile, the roomie let them pile up to the point where they were a fruit fly breeding colony. I eventually got on the fucker and there were so many dirty dishes he had to wash them in the bathtub, which left a brown grease ring around the tub that was a quarter inch thick, like some bizarre gasket.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know it's tough to make ends meet by yourself and all that, but there isn't any substitute for the privacy and freedom afforded you when you live alone. For the best of both worlds, you'd want to get a roommate with a good job, with whom you're compatible, who's company you enjoy, and with whom you can have sex as frequently as either of you wish. That would be the ideal case, but sometimes instead of the ideal case coming to pass, God wipes His ass with your life.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 Futurama hate
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Facebook is for faggots.
Jesus is for idiots.
________________
This post is for both.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha fool, sucks for you. My roommate's cool as shit and she lets me borrow her awesome jewelry and her MacBook.
PS - Facebook rules.
Submitted by IntangibleHands (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Blah blah blah un-funny shit
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-27 15:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm going to -2 you just for not liking Futurama you philistine. Facebook reeks but after this post, you reek more.