The Workweek Escape (533 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.21 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ilikesteak (View user info) at 2008-03-28 15:29:15 EDT
They want me to stay. It's not going to happen. They haven't asked yet, but all the signs are there. New bar of soap, my toast caught fire in the toaster, my favorite coffee place got my order wrong, and I'm running late.
I must do everything in my power to avoid people, so there is no chance I will be asked to stay. Sadly, I must make the sacrifice of not doing any actual work for two and a half hours, but I'll manage somehow.
2:30
I sit down at twelve year old company desktop and enter my password to log in. I only know the password subconsciously, so I've got to be in the correct mind frame to get it to work. This means if I ever want to do any actual work on it, I won't be able to remember the password.
I set it up like this, because the computers can't actually handle the kind of work I do, so when I try, it's only frustrating and aggravating, and nobody wants a disgruntled employee snapping on a Friday. A Monday maybe, but this is the weekend.
I load up my favorite game, and a few real programs to run in the background to switch to in case I notice someone coming. Last time I tried to set up a warning system, and they yelled at me. I gave them a bell to wear. I put our shipping bubble wrap under some of the carpet. I even dug a moat around my cubicle. The only thing the moat did was ward away the Black Knight, but the office manager was much more persistent.
3:15
People are starting to duck out early. This means the herd has thinned, and I'm a much more likely target by default. I hear the distinct clicking of heels on the other side of the office. Not just any heels. The heels of a woman who paid more for a pair of shoes than I did for food this month, and justified it as a company expense.
She is the worst of them all, and you can tell it's time. She's looking for a male target, and wants to draw blood this time. I've been not working here since 93' and I'll be damned if I get fired for it now.
Time to go to a sanctuary, where she both will not, and cannot follow. The Men's Room. I have to escape before she intercepts my plan. The floor is clicking faster. By now, I'm away from the cube, but she draws near.
She has my scent. The clicking gets closer and closer, speeding up. The shrill voice starts with a siren-like shriek. She is at the last turn by now, but my target is in sight. I dive in headfirst as she reaches for me, to make me stay late and work here forever, but I evade her grasp by throwing my pen toward her precious thin heel shoe, snapping it like a baby's spine.
I find a stall, and open my cell phone. Mission accomplished.
4:27
Checking my email and minor updates online has gotten dull. I've already gotten the high score on all the games in the phone.
Fatty from the fourth floor enters the room. I smell sausage, and know why he's here. If there was any other reason, he'd have used the toilet on his floor. They've resorted to chemical warfare. You can hear it, and know that the sound is a warning, the calm before the storm, if the storm smelled like shit.
I make a daring escape down the stairwell. Since he's on my floor, I can be on his. They keep office supplies there. If I needed to, I could hide among the files and folders, living off Fatty's supply of office sheet cake and the snacks he keeps in his desk for years. His betrayal can be overlooked.
5:00
This is the zero hour. I no longer work here for the week, and have exactly six minutes to clock out. I run up the stairs to replace the pen I "lost." Time slows down, and the world is closing in around me. I could clock out form my workstation, but computers cannot be trusted at moments like these.
5:01
The pen is on the desk. I grab my briefcase, and rush towards the exit.
5:02
The stairwell is no longer safe. They are rushing upon me, so I use my last resort. The elevator. I enter the moving coffin, and press the button for the ground floor. I see Fatty running towards me, or rather away from the mob. Decision time.
5:03
I hold the door close button. He crashes into the newly closed steel doors, and I hear his screams of agony. It was either him or me, and I'm not working late. He deserves it for his act of betrayal. I left him a present at my desk, and a note on his.
5:04
The door opens and the exit is in sight. I run past Security Dave. My timecard is placed into the "out" punch slot. All is right with the world as I go to hit the button. Until she shows up from the shadows. The beast has returned!
She utters "You forgot your pen." as she hands it to me. Fight or flight has taken over, and I grab the pen, knowing full well what was coming next. I lean towards the wall, about to accept my fate, but then something beautiful happens. Security Dave dropped his cell phone, distracting her for the quarter second I needed to press the button.
5:05
"Say, you wouldn't mind working late, would you?"
"I'm sorry, I've already clocked out."
I win! The beast is cast back into the flames, and I walk out a free man. The sound of glass breaking above is the only thing to shatter this perfect moment. Fatty finally did it. He jumped out the window. I never thought he would, but he's proven me wrong once again.
5:06
The short distance parachute lands on the ground, mere seconds after Fatty.
I left the computer on, set up for him to log out, and under the desk was my emergency parachute. We head to the bar to celebrate a successful plan.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-31 09:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this isn't a normal friday for everyone else?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-31 09:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-29 23:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-29 23:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-29 22:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha you should check this dude out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnpiwfbFczs
I am quite glad that is not your style.
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I'm lazy, but at least I'm not a douchebag.
The "not doing anything dirty" is when you set up "voyeur cams" all about your house.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-29 22:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha you should check this dude out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnpiwfbFczs
I am quite glad that is not your style.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-29 22:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Every video I put up was taken on a camera that just happened to have video function.
Webcams only lead to a life of vice if you do dirty things. We need more people doing dirty things.
Any suggestions on a guitar lesson?
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From what i have seen, there are already many people filling the 'doing dirty things' margin on the internet. I wonder if a pay perview of me being completely non dirty might work?
Hmmm. I am currently working through some basic stuff (Creedence) to build my confidence.
Why don't you pick something you like to play?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-29 21:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-29 20:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey!
I had to buy a webcam today. I feel so dirty. I am gonna use it, post my stuff and take it back.
Webcams lead to a life of vice.
I would assume.
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Every video I put up was taken on a camera that just happened to have video function.
Webcams only lead to a life of vice if you do dirty things. We need more people doing dirty things.
Any suggestions on a guitar lesson?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-29 20:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey!
I had to buy a webcam today. I feel so dirty. I am gonna use it, post my stuff and take it back.
Webcams lead to a life of vice.
I would assume.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-29 20:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-03-29 04:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I <3 u.
I am putting something on youtube for you, hopefully this wk end :)
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Hooray!
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-03-29 04:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I <3 u.
I am putting something on youtube for you, hopefully this wk end :)
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-28 21:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only +1-worthy, but you took some shit from other people, so have a +2.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-28 17:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
steak
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-03-28 17:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-28 16:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A tad boring but the ending was alright.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-03-28 16:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-28 15:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I might also mention that I have a small 'fridge next to my desk, and in that 'fridge with the Diet Coke and Sriracha sauce are bottles of Red Stripe, Fat Tire, and a selection of product from the Breckenridge Brewery. It's a small shop, but casually professional.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-03-28 15:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-03-28 15:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was alright. Not your best work, but it wasn't terrible either.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-28 15:37:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm glad I don't work in such an office. Also: I have a red Swingline stapler on my desk right now.
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-28 15:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not only has this been done, but it's been done over and over and over again.
Just sayin'.