A Glimpse into the Life of a College Slacker (375 hits)
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Submitted by Geddy Lee (View user info) at 2008-03-29 00:53:53 EDT
Within the past week I'd say, I've been in somewhat of a slump. I don't know what it is about me, but every god damn day I wake up and I could have the feeling that I can take over the damn world, and the other half of the time I wake up not giving a shit about anything. It's really been a drag lately. Let me break down my typical week, starting on the worst day ever: Monday.
MONDAY:
-I wake up at exactly 8:00 to get ready for work. Note that I do not actually get out of bed, I merely awaken, acknowledge the alarm ringing off in my ear, smash it as hard as I can with my fist until 1) it breaks, or 2) my hand breaks, then I pass out again.
-I wake up 20 minutes later, nice and late for work. But it's ok; I'm late and I don't give a shit. It is at this point that I realize that the highlight of my day just ended, and it's not going to get any better until I fall asleep again.
-I consider calling out sick and masturbating to low-budget adult films all day that are the pornographic equivalent of B-films in the 1950s. Then I realize that unless I am projectile-vomiting quarts of blood every minute, there is no way in hell that I will have the day off.
-I calculated that if I leave at exactly 8:38, I can get to work in Cedar Grove by 8:55. Knowing full-well that I can make it to work on time, I will instead choose to go on Digg and open every story that seems remotely interesting in their own tabs, but I will never read them. By the time I skim the first few pages of Digg, about 15 minutes will have passed. I am now late for work. Meet my typical pre-work morning.
-Sit in traffic. I swear to Christ if I miss this traffic light... son of a bitch.
-I get to work 15-20 minutes late. I turn on my monitor, check my email for anything important, so that I can flag the email as High Priority in Outlook, and then never actually take care of it.
-Half an hour has passed, and I have checked my 3 emails. I decide it is time for my oatmeal breakfast (the highlight of my day), topped off with a shot of French Vanilla Creamer (in those little creamer cups) to coat my teeth in a smooth layer of sugar.
-I start working, bust my ass for a few hours, then get prepared for lunch with a series of emails to my co-workers discussing where we should have lunch for the day.
-One of my co-workers decides to have a look at the 'outside world'. He narrowly escapes the deadly clutches of the windowless room with lava walls and takes a picture of 'the outside world' on his phone... through the conference room window. He comes back with the picture, exclaiming that he thought it was raining earlier but it's gotten a bit nicer. He shows us the 0.5 megapixel photo of the parking lot and we stare at it with envy.
-Out to lunch. Every moment that I am eating myself into oblivion is a golden one to be remembered.
-Back from lunch. If my happiness was graphed on a line chart, it would be your classic bellcurve. Only the good part wouldn't necessarily make the shape of a bell, it would make the shape of a pencil, representing my lunch break when non-artificial light actually hits my skin and scorches my oversized pupils.
-As soon as I get back to my desk, I pack a lip of snus (because you swallow the spit and it tastes AMAZING, plus, it makes your breath minty fresh, saving me countless money on gum)
-The nicotine catches up to me about 15-20 minutes later, and triggers my shitting mechanism. This bathroom break may or may not land me in the hospital with a ruptured colon.
-I crash off my nicotine high. I feel like a bag of shit. Probably because I am a bag of shit.
-Work is over, I head home.
-I get home, I take a nap that originally is intended to last ~20 minutes; instead it lasts about 2 hours. I wake up angry: time to go back to Newark. The week (and my mental stability) has already begun it's downward spiral.
-My grandpa drives me back up to Newark. As an NJIT alumni, he enjoys driving me up there, despite my incessant ranting about how much I hate Newark and my life.
-I get back up to school. I am forced to rearrange my fridge to fit all of my god damn food inside of it. This takes about 15 minutes.
-I prepare a report for my fraternity meeting (I am the treasurer).
-The meeting lasts entirely too long.
-The meeting is still going on.
-I struggle to stay awake.
-I give up struggling and zone out completely. At this point my mind is wandering somewhere about Lake Michigan and I am officially a zombie.
-I stay up till ~4:00am doing nothing productive.
-I curse my life and fall asleep.
TUESDAY:
-I wake up at the ass-crack of noon. I fall back asleep since I have no class until 1:00pm at the earliest. Perfect schedule for the college slacker.
-I wake up again, late for class. I slowly crawl out of my dungeon-like room, grab my Skoal tin, completely forget my keys, lock my door and head to class.
-Shit, it's raining out. Luckily, I'm wearing an old Iron Maiden t-shirt. I'm also locked out of my house. Fuck me.
-I get to class, catch up on notes, check the daily Woot, and zone out.
-I fail a quiz, leave math, and skip my next class because the professor doesn't take attendence.
-On the way back to my house, I narrowly miss being hit by oncoming traffic. I curse God and keep on truckin'.
-It's still raining. I realize I have no keys, and I stand outside in the rain for 10 minutes before someone has the audacity to let me inside.
-I grab the house set of keys to open my room door.
-I make some microwaveable eatery and watch The Big Lebowski.
-I do nothing for a long time.
-I keep doing nothing. I listen to the same 3 Jefferson Starship songs over and over again under my brain stops functioning.
-I curse my life and fall asleep.
WEDNESDAY:
-No class today. I catch up on some work. The work should only take about 2 hours but ends up taking 4. Fuck me.
-Routine nothingness.
-I attempt to masturbate in the bathroom since my roommate tends to walk in at poorly-orchestrated intervals. This is difficult due to the rats scurrying under my feet every couple of minutes and the stale smell of vomit tainting the bathroom from God knows when.
-By the time I finish the deed, I can barely move because I have been sitting on the John for about 40 minutes.
-I curse my life and fall asleep.
THURSDAY:
-Same shit as Tuesday, plus a night class.
-I show up fashionably late to my 1:00pm class.
-I actually go to my 2:30pm class.
-I get back to my house and stand outside for 10 minutes until somebody lets me in. I really have to start remembering my damn keys.
-Movies and music till 7:30pm; night class time.
-I browse AddictingGames.com on my laptop and disregard any lessons that are being taught to me. I am a true scholar.
-Is anyone still actually reading this?
-m00t!
-Generally some kind of drinking activities are going on on Thursday nights. I partake, suffer from inadequate water intake, and eventually pass out some place that I will later not recognize. This is common practice.
-Somewhere in the previous step I curse my life.
FRIDAY:
-Standard operating procedure: wake up late, learn me some math, so on and so fourth.
-Get back from class, eat, watch The Big Lebowski for the ninth time this week.
-Head to my second math class of the day. I admire my professor's ensemble which completely changes from week to week. For a college grad student, he sure must make good money as a Teachers Assistant because I've never seen anyone with such a vast collection of sweater vests.
-I get a ride home from the grandfather figure. Every time we make it home without him intentionally swerving his truck into the highway median due to my verbal rampaging on every soul I had to misfortune of conversing with that week, I am in a state of utter shock and amazement.
-I unload all of my shit and bring it into the house.
-Friday night QuikChek sandwich night. And you thought your life was routine? Try a week in my shoes.
-I pack a lip of Skoal and gas up the Explorer. $50? No problem. Hack off a branch from the ever-growing money tree.
-QuikChek time! Wow, QuikChek got new sandwich ordering machines. I can't seem to grasp what the finance department was thinking when they ordered these new machines; if I want red onion and hot peppers, I have to first select whether I want russian dressing or mustard. Some things in life weren't meant to be understood. Evidently the wallet of QuikChek Corporate is bulging more than my pants when I accidently look up a spiral staircase and learn that the cute Asian chick from earlier is broadcasting the color and type of underwear she's wearing via a miniskirt. I have to seriously stop with these run-on sentences.
-Footlong Italian sub. Next. Provolone cheese. Next. Toasted? Hell yeah. Next. Mustard. Next. Salt, pepper, oregano, hot peppers, red onions special request. Next. Finalize order? You bet. Print Receipt.
-Special request? Tabasco Original. And lots of it.
-Buy 2 save $1.50 on Monster Energy Low-Carb? if ($buy2monsterssaveabuckfifty==true){ buy('Monster Energy Low-Carb',2) }else{ buy('Gatorade Rain',1) }
-"$8.49 sir. Cash or credit?" Credit. A purchase of this calibur can't possibly be covered in cold, hard cash.
-Drive home. Take the long route home and listen to 2112 in it's glorious entirety.
-Eat sandwich. Watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 with dad. Good times.
-Sit here, rant. Rapid life-cursing generally occurs here.
-Stay up too late to actually make it to work on time.
-I curse my life and fall asleep.
SATURDAY:
-Saturday is a special time. Not only do I get to go in to work at 10:00 as opposed to 9:00, but I can wear whatever I want.
-I show up to work late looking borderline homeless, clad in a leather jacket and John Deere hat. I take my place in the sheetrock prison and assume the role of White Collar Slave.
-I'm productive for 79% of the day.
-Out to lunch. Espositos Pizzeria doesn't have the $5.99 Hot Lunch Special on the weekends. Mother fucker.
-Settle with a plain slice and a chicken parm slice. Cover that son of a bitch with enough oregano to put me away for a dime if it were marijuana.
-Leave work around 5:45-6:00.
-Self-loathing from 6:30-9:00.
-See some friends from home 1/4 of the time.
-I fall over and I can't get up. It is important to note, however, that no effort was put fourth.
-I curse my life and fall asleep. (pasted from clipboard)
SUNDAY:
-Ah, glorious Sunday. Grandpa stopped by with bagels. Sweet, he picked up an Everything Bagel today. Scrape the remainder of the cream cheese out and coat the other side in butter.
-Head down to my other job caddying at the golf course. I love this job. (seriously though)
-Hang out with the boss; it's too cold for anybody to play golf.
-I leave a few hours later.
-Take the scenic route home.
-I curse my life.
-I curse my life.
-I curse my life.
-I curse my life.
-Write some code.
-I curse my life.
-I curse my life.
-I curse my life.
-Wonder if my roof is high enough to allow an easy suicide. Apply some basic physics and find out that it is not. Make mental note to find alternate method. Forget about the whole thing.
-Curl into a ball and fall asleep to some Jefferson Starship while I come to the startling realization that I am disappointed with my station in life.
-Fail to come up with a good way to end this massacre of a piece.
-Totally expect to be verbally raped in Ubersite commentary.
User Reviews
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-07-10 20:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the user name
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-04-04 23:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-29 15:44:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-03-29 11:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
A glimpse into the life of someone who doesn't cares:
10:30 AM -- Read your blog entry, didn't care.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-03-29 10:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2008-03-29 10:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You have delusions of adequacy.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-29 08:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-03-29 04:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
As a terrible college slacker you sicken me
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-29 02:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I curse this post and fall asleep.
(p.s. I saw you in Calgary a few months back; new CD is pretty cool! You look like a chicken, though)
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-03-29 01:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't read it.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-29 01:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How about I shorten the whole thing, in the typical college slacker manner, which you clearly do not express in your writing, rather an unmotivated and misguided youth.
Watch closely now.
"Meh."
The end.