Pop Tarts from Hell (1140 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2008-03-30 11:33:36 EDT
First off, let me explain to you that I have the Black Plague.
No Seriously, I do. I'm quite positive of it.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that my left lung is lying on the carpet next to me, right out of kicking distance. I coughed it up last night while in a medicated haze. I'm not even sure what medications I'm taking right now. I simply walk into my bathroom, open the mirror cabinet and go, "Oh, these pretty blue ones look nice!"
**gulp**
I can't even fathom that I'm down to only smoking a HALF A PACK of cigarettes a day right now, thanks to this infernal sickness. It makes me sad. I adore my cigarettes. Food, on the other hand, is currently my enemy. I've probably thrown up a dozen times in the last few days. Not because I'm nauseous, but because I start coughing so hard that I gag.
So along with a meager supply of cigarettes and weak iced coffee, I'm surviving on toast.
That was until about 20 minutes ago...
Pop Tarts. Pop Tarts are a universally constructed concept, much like Band-Aids and Jell-O. There are many different brands of flesh toned self-adhesive bandages and fruit flavored dessert gelatin. No one cares. It's all referred to by the original brand name. Same goes for Pop Tarts.
Pop Tart BRAND Pop Tarts come in a gazillion different varieties. Not so much the generic. It doesn't matter. Most people who aren't pretending to be bitchy little children can munch down either Strawberry or Cinnamon. Those are the two main flavors, you know. And let's be honest, Pop Tarts are fucking Pop Tarts. How hard is it to screw up this concoction, to ruin this recipe?
Well, I just found out.
Proclaimed under the moniker of "Yummy Tarts" in bold bubble letters, I was immediately suspicious when I opened the box. Indeed, although a box of SIX, each "Yummy Tart" was packaged in an individual fashion. No, incorrect. This is never done. However, I was willing to overlooking this cosmic tomfoolery in anticipation of my Tart Yumminess.
Hmmm... the tart was odd. Dark in color, it was much more crumbly than our usual fare. The icing was applied in a strange strip pattern and looked like donut frosting. Whatever! Into the toaster the pair of you are sacrificed! Moments pass, time punctuated by my growling tummy and hacking cough. DING! Hooray, time for my Tart and Yummy feast!
Two bites in.
I made it two bites in.
This was the worst fucking Pop Tart mockery in the history of mankind.
This mistake of nature might hold to the basic definition and principles of the Pop Tart, but that is where all similarities ended. It was invalid before the true existence of the Pop Tart, a mere clone of what reality held. I sat before the very essence of breakfast blasphemy.
... so I only ate one and tossed the other in the garbage.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
As I wrote this a few days ago, I've had time to think and time to heal.
1) - Zicam dissolve tablets are a gift from our lord Satan.
2) - I'm pretty sure that the creators of "Yummy Tarts" had never actually seen a real life Pop Tart. They had been given a simple, one paragraph summary of what the item was and told to make one; hence their abysmal failure. This got me thinking. How else could a group of individuals so stunningly screw up such a basic concept? What other items in existence would an individual actually have to have first hand knowledge of (and not just a description of) to bring about said object into creation?
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sweets per say are not the culprit, its the empty calories/carbs.
for example....I use regular sugar right....I'm diabetic....I just don't use much. 1 Tablespoon of sugar is only 4 grams of carbs which is the real important part. carbs are what makes your blood sugar deviate not necessarily the sweets.
but like anything...excess is what will get you in trouble.
===================
Yes, which is why they teach the Exchange Diet. Fats, sugar, carbs, etc.
Also, calories are virtually meaningless. Please don't misunderstand. A teaspoon of sugar has about 16 calories, but the amount of carbs means a lot. Look it up on a good site. . .
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sweets per say are not the culprit, its the empty calories/carbs.
for example....I use regular sugar right....I'm diabetic....I just don't use much. 1 Tablespoon of sugar is only 4 grams of carbs which is the real important part. carbs are what makes your blood sugar deviate not necessarily the sweets.
but like anything...excess is what will get you in trouble.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eating too many sweets (and fat, and alcohol) = obeseity = (possibly) type 2 diabetes.
That is my understanding.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Type two diabetes is often bought on by, along with other things, obeseity.
If you eat a balanced diet you are less likely to develop type two diabetes.
=====================
Obesity exacerbates diabetes. Eating sweets DOES NOT! Type two diabetes means your pancreas still makes insulin, but not at the right time nor in the proper amounts. Type one means your pancreas cannot produce insulin.
Massive weight gain puts a strain on not only your pancreas, but all other organs as well. It is the obesity, not the sweets. Both types of diabetes are all over both sides of my family, and I know whereof I speak.
==========
correct to an extent but Type 2 makes less than usual amounts of insulin and additionally your body's ability to use said insulin is diminished.
For some Type 2 can be controlled with diet and exercise but yes added weight, specifically around the midsection is a big contributor to developing Type 2.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-03-30 14:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pop Tarts + Coca Cola = Instant Type 2 Diabetes.
===================
A joke, I hope. What you eat doesn't cause diabetes.
--------------------------------------------
WHAT??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? No Bubba, if you injest 3 bottles of high-fructose corn-syrup each day, you won't get diabetes. Fuck. I'm starting to believe your press around here, Bubba.
======================
You seem to believe that sugar causes the body to react in a way that causes a chemical change, one which is the antithesis of the sugar intake, Sorry, Charly, 'taint so.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kaos, ditch the Poptarts. Here's yer word of the day:
Chocolate truffles.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Type two diabetes is often bought on by, along with other things, obeseity.
If you eat a balanced diet you are less likely to develop type two diabetes.
=====================
Obesity exacerbates diabetes. Eating sweets DOES NOT! Type two diabetes means your pancreas still makes insulin, but not at the right time nor in the proper amounts. Type one means your pancreas cannot produce insulin.
Massive weight gain puts a strain on not only your pancreas, but all other organs as well. It is the obesity, not the sweets. Both types of diabetes are all over both sides of my family, and I know whereof I speak.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Type two diabetes is often bought on by, along with other things, obeseity.
If youeat a balanced diet you are less likely to develop type two diabetes.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-03-30 14:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pop Tarts + Coca Cola = Instant Type 2 Diabetes.
===================
A joke, I hope. What you eat doesn't cause diabetes.
--------------------------------------------
WHAT??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????? No Bubba, if you injest 3 bottles of high-fructose corn-syrup each day, you won't get diabetes. Fuck. I'm starting to believe your press around here, Bubba.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-04-01 14:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-03-30 14:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pop Tarts + Coca Cola = Instant Type 2 Diabetes.
===================
A joke, I hope. What you eat doesn't cause diabetes.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-31 23:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-31 19:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-31 17:25:39 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
orphelia is fucking retarded.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
True :(
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Someone, I am not sure who, should write a story about ADD/sugar-addicted children. It could be called "Pop-Tards".
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-03-31 22:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
how interesting and informative
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-31 19:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-31 17:25:39 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
orphelia is fucking retarded.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
True :(
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-03-31 18:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-03-31 14:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. Hope you feel better.
My little sister, who is a total sugar-pig of the same species as Little Chrissy from the movie "Pecker", likes to put fudge Pop Tarts in the freezer and then eat the whole box. This child subsists on frozen Tarts, Reese's peanut butter cups, and frozen waffles with Nutella on them, and yet she still manages to make a size 0 look baggy. Needless to say, I hate her.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-03-31 13:39:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jonukah ate the last cinnamon AND the last S'mores Pop Tarts.
Jerk.
For some reason, when I read your title, I assumed this would be a horror story about Pop Tarts... from an infernal toaster perhaps?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-31 12:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha, they tasted like shit (as does every brand of Pop-Tart) and you still ate one anyway.
also, lmao @ Method
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-31 12:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
orphelia is fucking retarded.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-31 12:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you and I have the same illness.
exact same sypmtoms.
i'm fucked.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-03-31 11:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea how you're still alive, what's your blood pressure like, 120 over bacon?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-31 11:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-03-31 10:29:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of a time when I bought a generic type of Kraft brand Kraft Singles. I tried to melt one in a toaster oven but there was none of that as per usual gooey goodness. It hardened, turned black, and started to blister. I used a pair of tongs to lift it from the bread it was on - inspecting it like I'd just discovered a new species, accidentally dropped it, and watched it as it shattered T-1000 style on the floor.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-31 10:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep smoking KK - that way, you won't have to worry about being sick too much longer.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-31 09:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pop tarts (the BRAND of course) are a delicious and tasty treat that can be enjoyed by all. Except those who cannot embibe too much sugar.
What creeps me out about them (and those glazed fruit pies as well) is that the filler inside them is ALWAYS cold no matter how hot and dank the store is where you purchased said item. WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY PUT IN THAT SHIT THAT KEEPS IT COLD!
P.S. - My Grandmother collapsed once after eating a Krispy Kreme doughnut from some sort of blood sugar imbalance.
that is all.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-31 09:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
chocolate are the best.
I once was tricked into some odd cinnamon/brown sugar filled with some kind of grahm-crackery crust. It possibly was S'more flavored.
It sucked considerably.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-31 09:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You DO realize that Pop-Tarts will shorten your life expectancy by a minimum of ten years, right?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-31 09:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
KK, I think you under estimate the significance of this comment
I remember something about them getting really hot and burning lots of people and then getting banned...
If true, well, our country can't even be trusted with a Yank breakfast cereal. :(
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-03-31 08:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This UK Pop Tart situation is most interesting... in a "barely-sorta" way.
I never claimed that Pop Tarts were a grand source of nutrition, but when you're sick as shit and all you've had is toast for three days, a slight variety in processed grain products in nice. There really wasn't anything else in the house that was bland enough to simply eat.
Submitted by jigglypuff (user info) at 2008-03-31 05:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Asda sell own brand pop tarts. They don't taste too bad.
Chocolate is my favourite. : )
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-03-30 23:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-03-30 22:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Pop-Tarts absorb pee considerably better than Brawny® paper towels.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-30 21:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I thought you only write for that other "serious writers' forum"?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-03-30 19:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Zicam (oral spray, anyway) is a MIRACLE.
Pop-tarts are the most ridiculously calorie-dense food. They don't even satisfy hunger, and they pack over 400 calories a pair. Enjoying something as a guilty pleasure is one thing, but there has got to be a ton of more satisfying and tempting choices than those things. Try fiber-one cereal bars. They're healthy and addictive.
Smoking cigarettes + poor nutrition=sick. DUH.
Feel better, dear.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-30 15:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it is true. I remember when I was little them coming out then being banned because kids were getting 2nd degree burns in their mouths eating them straight out of the toaster...
I think you can get them now although I haven't seen any in ages...
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-30 15:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I've already done told you that they came from China.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-03-30 14:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me hungry for pop tarts, I have some in the house now.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-03-30 14:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pop Tarts + Coca Cola = Instant Type 2 Diabetes.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-30 13:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If they stopped selling Pop Tarts for that reason, Banjo, I am ashamed. I thought it is just because they didn't sell well.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-03-30 13:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The UK had the shittiest pop tarts. It's the same fucking company! How could Kellogg's in the UK fuck them up so bad! In the US the Strawberry Pop Tarts are DELICIOUS and have pink, green, red, blue and yellow sprinkles. They look very tasty. In the UK, the strawberry filling is tart and the sprinkles were dark purple, yellow and orange. It looked and tasted unappealing. No wonder the UK gave up on Pop Tarts. Fuck the UK.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-30 13:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-30 18:09:02 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
They don't sell Pop Tarts in the UK any longer.
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I remember something about them getting really hot and burning lots of people and then getting banned...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-30 13:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They don't sell Pop Tarts in the UK any longer.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-03-30 13:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-03-30 12:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-03-30 12:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
poptarts are not food.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-03-30 12:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-30 11:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quick Pop-Tart trivia!
Q: Which food has MORE sugar than a Pop-Tart?
A: None!
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http://www.oldtimeconfections.com/Count%20Goods/Pixy%20stix%20giant%20size.JPG
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-30 11:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quick Pop-Tart trivia!
Q: Which food has MORE sugar than a Pop-Tart?
A: None!
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-30 11:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment