Poo does NOT go there. (1138 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.78 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ducky (View user info) at 2008-03-30 22:26:11 EDT
I may not be the brightest crayon in the pack. I have even been accused of being "naïve" at times, to the point of being called "BubbleGirl" by a couple of my friends. Okay, okay, okay, okay, so I only have a couple of friends.
Okay fine...one friend.
What?
What?!
So WHAT if I have to buy her affection in the form of Mary Kay products?
*blinks*
Fuck you.
Cries.
Anyway, that's not what this is about. This is about something that I DO know about...something that I...admittedly stupidly...assumed that EVERYONE would know about.
The other day, we had a big family dinner thing. This was particularly nice because we had one of my aunts come from out of town - she here to divorce herself from a fuckwit who looked a bit like Hulk Hogan if Hulk Hogan weighed 120 pounds and had a low sloping forehead. This knuckle-dragger actually wrote in his affidavit that he felt that my aunt had drugged his drinks, causing him to pass out and then fuck her. He stated that this MUST BE THE ONLY LOGICAL EXPLANATION because he would NEVER NORMALLY SLEEP WITH SOMEONE LIKE HER. I kept reading, because I didn't recall seeing him shackled and ball-gagged as he was OBVIOUSLY FORCED into marrying her, having two children with her, and staying with her for 7 years. He also included in there that he never used any drugs or alcohol while they were married and added three lines down that yes, he did get a DUI the previous year, but it was because she had driven him to drink...and he smoked the reefer (I LIKE calling it the reefer) frequently to calm his nerves. MORON. And she was a moron for going for it. I call it Florence Nightingale syndrome.
The good part of all of this comes in the form of my two adorable cousins. One is 8 years old, and the other is 2. I hadn't previously seen what can result during the age referred to as "terrible two"...but that all changed that evening.
My aunt, seeing that there were a number of us there, decides to sneak out for a cigarette (I can't even type that without craving one...and I quit in fucking August). As the door closes I hear Julie, the youngest, calling out to nobody in particular that she has to go to the bathroom. "Baffroom! Baffroom!" I walk over and she's looking at me. I pointed at the bathroom and said "so go".
She giggled and said "I POO".
"That's nice" I said, and walked away.
Moments later I hear cackling coming from the washroom. I walk over and there's Julie, door open...standing in front of the toilet with a wad of clearly used toilet paper the size of Cuba held tightly in her little fist.
"POO" she screams.
"Erm...that needs to go in the toi..."
"POOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Yes Jules, but you need to..."
It was too late. As my mother pulled chicken out of the oven, as my fat uncle sat at the kitchen table and ate ALL of the dip, as my father and brother sat watching the game in the living room, and as my aunt sat in the carport downstairs and smoked, Julie...Julie ran.
Screaming down the main hallway towards the living room, giggling, toilet paper in hand, she ran. Smearing poo all over the wall as she went, and into the living room where she promptly tripped herself on nothing in particular and planted a handful of shitty toilet paper in my fathers face.
I have never heard my father bellow the way he bellowed at my beautiful little cousin.
"JUUUUUUULLLLLIIIIIEEEE!!!!!" He screamed.
She promptly started to cry. My aunt came in shortly afterwards and commented that it was strange that she'd go without asking for help. I felt like such an asshole.
User Reviews
Submitted by bullslinebacker (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-07-23 10:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-03-31 17:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like ducky
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fag
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-03-31 17:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Shlongy, the reason you don't have kids is because your 4 foot, 100 pound body is too frail and tiny to produce enough semen to impregnate a female.
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Can he produce enough to impregnate a male?
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-03-31 17:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like ducky
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-03-31 16:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-03-31 15:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 ducky
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-03-31 14:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-03-31 14:00:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh noes.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-03-31 13:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care if this is shenanigans or real, it's just pure awesome.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-31 11:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-31 11:10:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAR! Good solid Ducky post
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-31 10:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-31 10:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's why I don't have kids.
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No, Shlongy, the reason you don't have kids is because your 4 foot, 100 pound body is too frail and tiny to produce enough semen to impregnate a female.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-03-31 10:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I heard her voice. I know what she sounds like now.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-03-31 10:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-31 08:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Little kids and poo.....I dunno, I take my hat off to parents. Yeah, I worked in healthcare for many moons but there is something about children and their poo that causes me to run screaming to the hills.
Here Ducks, read this. http://www.ubersite.com/m/72948 (another kid + poo story)
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I miss this guy.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-03-31 10:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's why I don't have kids.
I have my OWN poop adventures to deal with.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-31 09:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shoulda lit in on fire...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-03-31 09:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*rolfs*
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-31 08:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-03-30 21:41:09 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why I don't feed my children solid food. Ever.
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But doesn't that still produce poo? Runny poo but poo nonetheless?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-03-31 08:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Little kids and poo.....I dunno, I take my hat off to parents. Yeah, I worked in healthcare for many moons but there is something about children and their poo that causes me to run screaming to the hills.
Here Ducks, read this. http://www.ubersite.com/m/72948 (another kid + poo story)
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-03-31 05:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It worries me that I've had to use this same response twice in the last month on here but....
You've never trained a dog I take it? You'd know that all you have to do is rub the little fuckers face in the shit on the walls / floor / your dad and the cunt'll never shit in the house again! You might have to hit it a couple of times.
Same goes for kids.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-31 04:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this earlier, I thought it was hilarious.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-03-31 04:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-03-30 22:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why I don't feed my children solid food. Ever.
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<3
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-03-31 00:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
There is nothing about this post that deserves a positive rating. Ergo, this -2.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-03-31 00:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-31 00:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
at first i read this as saying one was 8 and one was 12. and i was curious as to why you didn't mention that the kid was also a retard as obviously the only kid of that age unable to take care of fecal business would be mentally deficient.
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haha.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-03-31 00:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha..gross
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-31 00:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
at first i read this as saying one was 8 and one was 12. and i was curious as to why you didn't mention that the kid was also a retard as obviously the only kid of that age unable to take care of fecal business would be mentally deficient.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-03-31 00:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nasty.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-30 23:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did something like before, except it was when I was taking a bath and i threw it at my mom. good times.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2008-03-30 23:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-03-30 21:41:09 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why I don't feed my children solid food. Ever.
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I was going to say the same - but without using the words 'solid food'
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-03-30 22:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was a lit..tle...k..id.......................
nevermind.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-03-30 22:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why I don't feed my children solid food. Ever.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2008-03-30 22:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I poo all the time! Maybe today even, but I can't remember, someone may be drugging my drinks :<(
I'm looking you direction Tom Selleck!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-03-30 22:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I ain't helping no two-year-old take a dump. Chain it up in the backyard, I say.