Modelling: Sorry Not Interested (817 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.91 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BillyGoat (View user info) at 2008-03-31 09:56:39 EDT
A few weeks back I was browsing the snazzy BBC iplayer site and I came upon a documentary about nudism. The presenter immersed herself into the nudist community culminating in her posing for a life drawing class in order to fully appreciate what it was like to appear naked in front of random people. And it got me thinking whether I could ever do such a thing. I'm no Adonis or Michaelangelo's David but artists are usually looking for awkward bodies so I would pass on that front.
But let's be honest chaps, the reason why we don't parade around naked is because of the size of the wang 'cause in the face of embarrassment, things can get- how can I put this- flaccid and a 3 inch cherub is not something to shout about. Added to the fact that the artists will likely be retirees who narrowly missed the nursing home insanity threshold.
Today-however- I got the chance to model. Where you might ask? In a swanky, up and coming bohemian 'quarter,' maybe in a pompous university art department or locked away in some artist's shed- sorry-studio.
No, no and no. I modelled in the most obvious place for an un-aspiring model- on the London underground. The Tube!
So there I was on the Northern line, with head deep in the London lite- a free paper given to Londoners to pass the time or possibly supplement for toilet paper.
The train reached Euston and the inevitable deluge of smells wafted in, everything from the most sophisticated eau de toilets to the cheapest high street shit, mixed in with moist wafts of BO. The smells ebbed a little when the people stopped jostling for positions and through the mist I saw a Jewish guy sitting opposite me. I assumed he was Jewish by the mere fact that he had hanging side burns and the train was headed for north London. See, London Jews aren't as obscure as the one's say in American cities. They are instantly recognizable; I'd say they don't mix much.
This guy was wearing a nice pinstripe suit, nice shoes; a nice coat toped with a nice hat. In essence he was lovely and I bestowed him the name Business Jew (BJ) 'cause he looked the part. He didn't disappoint either and soon enough he had retrieved a small A5 notebook from his coat jacket and was scribbling a few notes down.
Maybe it was the heat, but I imagined him working on some complex economic strategy to halt the runaway train to recession destined to fuck us so very hard in the arse sooner than we think. If anyone could rescue this mess it would be the Jews, I mean, they are famous for their money handling capabilities the world over. I proceeded to watch in silence as the master set to work investigating the nitty gritty of demand and supply.
Now content that the economy was at least being thought of, I turned to the quiz page for my daily Sudoku challenge, only to find that I had forgotten my pen. As I looked round, I realized that there was no way any of these knackered/pissed off people were going to help, so I tried to solve the puzzle mentally but it wasn't long before my brain remembered that it wasn't of the genius type and promptly retired.
Dismayed by my failure, I peered over the paper and saw BJ furiously scribbling away. I shuffled my butt a bit, pretending to straighten my back, so I could get a better look at what had got him in such a tizzy. I was surprised to find my beaming head on his notepad. (Note- head here is used to denote my brain compartment and does not bear relation to the phallic detail previously mentioned except maybe in baldness and even so that head would have shrunk now due to the ensuring embarrassment).
Eh BJ, what the fuck? Memories of the documentary came flooding back and though I wasn't, I might as well have been, naked!
We pulled into Hampstead station and I still had 4 more stops to go. Where this another tube line, I would have disembarked, but previous journey's on the Northern line had taught me that reliability wasn't their strong point and just finding a train was a miracle in itself. So I stayed with eyes fixed onto his notepad while he scribbled away.
He eventually looked up but I didn't have enough time to look away so our eyes met. This was awkward and all I could think was fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
No doubt he was thinking the same, I could tell by his quivering sideburns. Now stuck, I thought I'd come up with a strategy of my own. Should I complement him on his artistic ability, but then it's obvious that I had been checking him out since he got on the train and as kids say these days-that's a bit gay. Should I just shut up, but why would I keep staring at him if I had nothing to say. Then he would definitely think I've had a thing for him. Should I smile, but who smiles at strangers on public transport especially with the clampdown on public displays of affection - merited or otherwise. The gayometer would fucking explode at this point.
Strategy failed, plan B: stare him out.
That didn't work either, clearly he was master of the stare and I being a novice had begun to feel the pressure. My eyes were sore and I needed a saving grace. And lo and behold it came. In fact this was the only time I was sort of glad to have been on the Northern line and not any other.
By this time, the doors had closed and the train was about to depart. Bear in mind that London is the model for all subway/underground systems and you'd expect the train to gently pull away gracefully like a male peacock wooing a potential mate.
Not a chance, the London underground has barely progressed since its conception in 1863. A donkey cumming inside a horse's arse has more grace than the old tube.
The train jerked its way out of the station, releasing every joule of energy that had gone into the starring competition. Because my body had solely focussed on BJ, when the train jolted, I swung to the right, narrowly missing the bloke next to me with my raised elbow. My reflex swung me back the other way, but the train's momentum plus my instability hurtled me to one of the grab rails smashing my forehead onto some guy's fingers.
He then unleashed a vile torrent of abuse that left pools of saliva in the indents on my fore head where it had connected with his fingers. Eventually, I self righted back to my sitting position and did my best not to show my annoyance, lest he go one better and pummel me.
I apologized profusely almost to the point of tears and by this time the whole carriage had turned my way, no doubt amazed at how the 'nutter' had showed so much self restraint.
I returned to the paper, burying my head so deep into it, I could have been Mr. Magoo reading the ordinance survey map.
Moments later, with the nutter calm, I made it a point flick the paper as hard as I could to warning BJ to stop his silly shenanigans and if I'm to be honest I was ready to rip the sideburns off the fucking schmuck.
I had never been so embarrassed on public transport before and neither had I been threatened with total annihilation, Needless to say when I eventually plucked up the courage to look up, BJ and the nutter had gone.
Left on BJ's seat was the drawing , complete with dented forehead which just added insult to injury.
I ripped the stupid drawing and disembarked at my stop.
To think that all this happened when I was fully clothed. Imagine if I had been naked...it would have been a riot.
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-02 01:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
old joke below.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-04-02 00:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny.
I was on a subway once. A blonde sitting across from me was reading the back page of my newspaper. One of the headlines said, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
"That is so sad," she said. "How many is a Brazilian?"
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-01 15:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fun little story. i hope you make it as a nude model.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-01 09:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just read this again.
B@W
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-04-01 06:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, you KNOW who you can't trust...
The British Transport system
Why? Who did you think I meant?
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-04-01 06:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe, but BJ was a big factor in the whole fiasco so when he left the drawing it felt right to rip it. Unfortunately it was a good drawing...oh well
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-04-01 06:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this but it is brilliant.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-04-01 06:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is pretty funny, but I think you kind of over-reacted to be honest. It's not like the guy was hurting you or anything, he was just drawing.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-01 05:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good. Forgive me for being cynical but for months now, any female joining Uber has done exactly what I have said below. Let's the side down a bit.
Submitted by SweetSoph69 (user info) at 2008-04-01 05:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
When I've got something worth posting, I'll post it.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-01 05:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell is a troll?
So you *do* live in a cave! http://www.humorek.com/obrazki/2005-01-31-poniedzialek/cave_troll.jpg
I ain't here to have a go at you, don't think that much of yourself.
Why don't you post something, lets see the cut of your jib.
Or do what most girls do. Make one crappy post, then camwhore, sucking up every bit of heat like a leech, then disappear into the great blue Uber sky. Or just join faceBook. Whatever. :)
Submitted by SweetSoph69 (user info) at 2008-04-01 05:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What the hell is a troll? If you're trying to antagonize me, it's not working.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-01 04:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by SweetSoph69 (user info) at 2008-04-01 09:22:52 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-01 04:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by SweetSoph69 (user info) at 2008-04-01 08:48:05 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow.
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Way to spoil a streak, dumb bitch.
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Fuck off, I gave this a fair rating.
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lol at the troll.
Submitted by SweetSoph69 (user info) at 2008-04-01 04:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-01 04:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by SweetSoph69 (user info) at 2008-04-01 08:48:05 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow.
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Way to spoil a streak, dumb bitch.
=============
Fuck off, I gave this a fair rating.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-01 04:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by SweetSoph69 (user info) at 2008-04-01 08:48:05 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow.
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Way to spoil a streak, dumb bitch.
Submitted by SweetSoph69 (user info) at 2008-04-01 03:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow.
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-03-31 22:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-03-31 19:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A donkey cumming inside a horse's arse has more grace than the old tube."
That is one of the more eloquent analogies I've come across.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-03-31 19:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W agreed.
You are a wonderful poster. hehe.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-03-31 19:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-03-31 16:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A donkey cumming inside a horse's arse has more grace than the old tube."
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-03-31 16:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-03-31 15:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-31 17:48:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have stood up and helicoptered your cock, then he would've had to make a motion flip-book!
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i thought about it, but i didn't wanna frighten the little kiddies
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-03-31 14:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Ripping up the sketch was unfortunate, though likely fictional.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-03-31 13:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to draw the people on the subway to pass the time. It prevented me from tuning out the world the way I would with music or a book, one must stay alert on the subway lest one be jacked by a chain snatcher.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-03-31 12:48:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have stood up and helicoptered your cock, then he would've had to make a motion flip-book!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-31 12:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, i've had a lot of fucked up shit happen on the Chicago El, but nothing this weird. i did have a man ask me if i liked games and i said "no" but he still handed me a crossword puzzle he had just made himself.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-03-31 12:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
b@w
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-03-31 12:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
liked the way this was presented.
well done.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-03-31 11:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great!
I used to be on the northen line a lot. If you ever saw a 6ft blonde with two broken arms trying to get around in rush hour......that was me.
If you saw a 6ft blond with two broken arms fall face first in to some guys crotch on the northen line.....that wasn't me, it was my twin sister.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-03-31 11:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dithered (user info) at 2008-03-31 10:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-03-31 10:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha!
You should've struck a pose and asked "can you guess what it is yet?"
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-03-31 10:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That'd be weird, for sure.