So it's your leaving day? (540 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2008-04-03 11:05:39 EDT
A leaving day is coming up at work. A woman with the charm of a dead Rabbit and the face that, quite literally, has been used to launch a thousand ships is on her way out the door. We've actually had them specially widened so she can fit. When I first started here I was told to 'Watch out for 'Her' upstairs' I of course wondered why and was told that she was a real tart and flirt. At first this seemed interesting, being single and hornier than a room full of Catholic priests at a boy's school. That was of course until I saw her for my own eyes; I actually had to take a number of steps back just to be able to appreciate the full Visage.
Christ she is large. Not only large but one of those misguided creatures of her size that believes she is really sexy and so dresses as if she is. Surely there are laws against wearing what she wears in public. I've had my share of the generously proportioned in the female world, I'm not proud of it but I'm honest about it. I have to admit though that I have never gone for one that looked like she had actually had to oil herself up to get into her knickers and dress. You can still dress reasonably and in an alluring fashion if you have a few spare pounds.
This lovely filly of course chooses to display herself in all her glory. Coming into the office, and instead of standing by my desk, like a normal person, leans over to show the black hole that exists between her generous bosoms. If that were not bad enough she also seems to have a habit of bending over and showing her 'G' String. What the fuck a manufacturer of 'G' Strings is doing entering the market to cater for the supersize generation is beyond me, but a lawsuit seems appropriate.
So she is leaving us, and we can all breathe a huge sigh of relief, especially Robert from marketing who has apparently had a go under her.
The usual shit is happening at these times of course, arranging a 'Leaving Lunch' at the local pub, doing a whip round for a suitable 'Gift' to see her off with (Subscription to Weight Watchers or a 100 quid gift voucher for McDonalds was turned down, they also said no to my suggestion of a 'Wide Load' sticker for her trousers with light attachments and beeper)
So the obligatory card comes round. People scratch their heads as to what exactly to put in this wonderful card. Here are but a few that people have managed to come up with.
Good luck at the University, I hear their canteen is great. John (Accounts, also a fat bastard)
So which tunnel did you use? It was Dick wasn't it? I knew it, if only I could find dick. . James (Closet Homo)
You'll really be missed. Jane (Nice wee soul)
Yeah we will all miss hearing you upstairs. Kerry (Not as nice as Jane)
Yeah, we couldn't really miss you before. Gordon
You're going? What with summer coming? Cool. I'll start wearing my shorts. Sam
I thought I saw people smiling recently. Ben
That leaves me as the Fat one! Harry (Big fat bastard)
Hate to see you go, no really, I HATE seeing it. Drogo
Dear Staff, you may now leave your food unattended in the Kitchen. Thank you. The Management
So have they replaced you with a fit one? James (Hornier than I was)
I've seen her and she will not be affecting the structural integrity of the building. Robin (Engineer)
Thank You. The Foundations</i>
You will never be Eclipsed. Michael (Star Gazer)
Well I won't miss the smell. Jonathon
Of course the chances of her actually being given this card are slim to non existent, she will get a normal one with sweet platitudes and good lucks.
Unless some nasty little shite slips it into her bag before she goes.
Hmmmmmm what kind of asshole would do that?
DISCLAIMER:
No fat people were actually harmed in this post. If you are affected by any of the subjects raised in this post then please feel free to contact your nearest fat clinic for advice. Failing that; buy a treadmill or throw yourself in front of an articulated truck, not normal car as you could be held responsible for the damage.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-04-04 23:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JustAnotherStudent (user info) at 2008-04-04 15:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As a fatass myself, I should be really offended at this. But it's too damn funny.
Have another +2, fucker.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-04 05:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmm deep thoughts below
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-04 04:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-04-03 22:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, I am slightly inebriated but the card sounded funny...true or not.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-03 22:43:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i would say we should shoot her into space, but god forbid she hit the moon and knock it off its orbit.
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Ha, right up there with, "Well, I'll have to run her over, because I sure as hell don't have enough gas to go around her" - My Dad
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-03 22:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
especially Robert from marketing who has apparently had a go under her.
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Does he make jokes like, "She's so fat, she should have her OWN demographic!", because that's how I imagine a "Robert from marketing" would behave.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-03 15:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i had to log in for this.
i was at the gym the other day, and there was this girl. i swear to god, my first thought was "i wish i had my camera because ubersite would love this." let me describe her to you:
-probably 5'8", 280 pounds (at least)
-stretch marks on her gut, tits, lower back, and upper legs/ass cheeks.
-sunken eyes, slackjaw, etc. your standard fat assed white trash. she was there with her black boyfriend, who honestly was much better looking than she was. maybe he was her rehab counselor or something. i dont know.
and her clothes... im retching as i type this.
-she had this tight little white care bears spaghetti strap tank top that would have been tight on a 12-year-old.
-flowery boy-shorts (you know, those sexy shorts hot girls wear that their dads would not approve of) that she obviously bought out of the little girl section at wal mart.
-flip flops. FLIP FLOPS.
i know where her stretch marks are because her tank top didn't cover her fat oatmeal titties or her keg of a belly, and to say she had muffin top hips would be like saying the Niagara Falls are slightly turbulent. both the top two inches and the bottom inch of her ass crack were visible.
not that it really matters because that bovine bitch was sweating up a storm and her clothes were translucent. no bra, no panties.
i almost puked on the weight stack in front of me when i saw her.
i would say we should shoot her into space, but god forbid she hit the moon and knock it off its orbit.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2008-04-03 12:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://gabbly.com/www.ubersite.com
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-03 12:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-03 11:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So which tunnel did you use? It was Dick wasn't it? I knew it, if only I could find dick. . James (Closet Homo)
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That made me laugh like a bastard.
Submitted by i_walk_alone (user info) at 2008-04-03 11:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed ...
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-03 11:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-03 11:19:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
exceptionally fine use of italics mate
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-04-03 11:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-04-03 11:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mean
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-03 11:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
type type type type type, submit!
Oops what a douche, even more than normal.
God I'm bored today.