No car, No phone, No Hot Lesbian Action; But there is a disgusting fat bitch at the gym somewhere in this post. (727 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 0.83 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Oly (View user info) at 2008-04-04 05:46:00 EDT
Before I get into the real issue here, I want to copy and paste the comment I wrote on DrogoRoch's post earlier today (which was very good: http://www.ubersite.com/m/115895). I wanted to post about this before but without pictures it doesn't stand up well on its own, so just enjoy this snippet of my life before we get to the hot sticky action you all came for.
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Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-03 15:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i had to log in for this.
i was at the gym the other day, and there was this girl. i swear to god, my first thought was "i wish i had my camera because ubersite would love this." let me describe her to you:
-probably 5'8", 280 pounds (at least)
-stretch marks on her gut, tits, lower back, and upper legs/ass cheeks.
-sunken eyes, slackjaw, etc. your standard fat assed white trash. she was there with her black boyfriend, who honestly was much better looking than she was. maybe he was her rehab counselor or something. i dont know.
and her clothes... im retching as i type this.
-she had this tight little white care bears spaghetti strap tank top that would have been tight on a 12-year-old.
-flowery boy-shorts (you know, those sexy shorts hot girls wear that their dads would not approve of) that she obviously bought out of the little girl section at wal mart.
-flip flops. FLIP FLOPS.
i know where her stretch marks are because her tank top didn't cover her fat oatmeal titties or her keg of a belly, and to say she had muffin top hips would be like saying the Niagara Falls are slightly turbulent. both the top two inches and the bottom inch of her ass crack were visible.
not that it really matters because that bovine bitch was sweating up a storm and her clothes were translucent. no bra, no panties.
i almost puked on the weight stack in front of me when i saw her.
i would say we should shoot her into space, but god forbid she hit the moon and knock it off its orbit.
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My friend "T" is going back home to Lebanon after he gets his M.A. in a few weeks, so he had a big going away party at his place last night. I showed up after everybody else was already drunk.
I drank, had fun, etc. Standard Wednesday night. Yadda yadda.
At some point during the night, through the window I saw a white Cavalier getting towed out of the apartment parking lot. Odd, because nobody EVER gets towed from this lot. It is one of the last bastions for students like me who live off campus and like to visit their friends every once in a while.
But then I was drunk, so I wouldn't even have left the apartment if not for the high school drama unfolding (T's on/off girlfriend doesn't think he should go back to Lebanon, I guess.) all around me, but when I got outside to check my spot, I found it empty. Was I happy? Absolutely, I was not.
"FUCK! GOD DAMMIT! SHIT! FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK." I consider throwing my phone far out into the night.
My friend, seeing this, tried to calm me down. "Andrew, don't throw your phone. You need it to call the tow truck company. Don't throw it. Do not, throw, your phone."
"I want to get in a fight with somebody. I need to hit something."
"Yeah. I can't believe Joe's [the tow truck company that pretty much owns the campus] towed you. They never tow from this lot."
"I can't either."
"Let's go back inside and drink some more and deal with this in the morning."
"Yeah, ok."
I calm down.
I realize all of my homework and money were in my Jeep.
I yelled "fuck" as I rifled my phone into the sidewalk and then "shit" as I watched the pieces shimmer in the moonlight all around me.
"Fuck, Andrew, it's in half. I told you not to throw it."
"It felt good though."
Tragic. So that's part 1.
Part 2 involves the girl I met at the party who lives on the floor beneath T.
"Hi, I'm Leslie, but my friends call me Lesbo."
"Oh? Why is that?"
"Do you like pussy?"
"Um, yes?"
"So do I."
I now know how it feels to find true love. I was smitten. It's a shame no straight girl has ever had this effect on me.
I flirted with her shamelessly. I told her she was funny and she told me I have pretty eyes. I told her I would let her hook up with another girl while she hooked up with me, and she introduced me to her friend Kasey. Sadly, Kasey was well on her way to hooking up with another of my friends, and nobody else wanted to play. My friends offered me a ride to my apartment, and she then offered me her spare bedroom.
I went with my friends because they also offered me a free replacement phone. I hate myself.
The worst part is I don't have her number because I unleashed my fury upon my phone, so unless I see her out at a bar or something I will probably never meet her again. Considering she is underage, this seems unlikely.
Some day I will be on my death bed and I will remember this among my greatest regrets.
To loosely quote Mystery, from The Game, "I feel empty, like I just took a huge shit and now there is a gaping void inside me. I feel shit-empty."
As much as I would like to post a picture of her, I know there are people at my school who read this site, and I'm sure you understand why I feel the need to hold back. Plus I look like shit in those pictures. I mean, worse than usual.
phone last night, camwhore a few weeks ago.
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-04-06 22:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-06 21:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
orphelia, i like where your head is at. you're right. why am i being a debbie downer about this? i guess i hold myself to a high standard.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-04-06 03:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. Poor girl though, she was only trying to better herself?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-04-04 21:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-04 20:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you could be a stalker and talk to your friend who was talking to her friend and get the number that way.. then you could invite her back to your place and chloroform her and take out the frustration of the evening on her mouth.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 15:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
its just a cell phone. it was a free replacement for my previous crappy cell phone which was destroyed when some softball player stomped on it with her cleats. it also worked just fine, except for lately the ring tones crackled because i dropped it in the ocean, but at least it still worked. your shitty krazrs and sidekicks would have been toast. so suck my dick.
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HEY. That is no way to talk to a lady you PUNK. I swear to Christ I will cut you.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-04-04 07:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Who are you, Naomi Campbell?
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please -2 me next time because i've been pretty outspoken about how much i hate you.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 15:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
its just a cell phone. it was a free replacement for my previous crappy cell phone which was destroyed when some softball player stomped on it with her cleats. it also worked just fine, except for lately the ring tones crackled because i dropped it in the ocean, but at least it still worked. your shitty krazrs and sidekicks would have been toast. so suck my dick.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-04-04 11:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know quite how to tell you this, but your phone... well, your phone appears to be broken.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-04-04 11:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
OMGWTF?!?!?!?
your phone is so blah blah blah
what the fucking gay is that all about? it's a goddamn phone. the concept of a phone as a fashion statement makes me want to kick someone in the nuts.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2008-04-04 10:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MSU?
I laughed, out loud, at oatmeal tits.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-04-04 10:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Drew, next time, spring for the VX8350 if you're gonna go with an LG phone...it's sturdy as hell, I drove over mine by accident and still works.
Big girls need lovin', too.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-04 10:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now come on Em, It isnt an 80's phone I mean you can see a picture of it without having to take it from a position on the moon, and there is no side scroll.
It may not be the bestest phone in the world but sometimes you just get attached to something that you know and things.
Anyway excuse me my breeze block is ringing
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-04-04 10:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the 1980's called and they would like their phone back
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-04-04 10:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What a shitty phone.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-04-04 09:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-04-04 08:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was entertained and distracted from work for 3 minutes and 22 seconds.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-04 08:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to anger your management issues. Less that is.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-04-04 08:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
bro.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-04-04 08:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No more please.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2008-04-04 07:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Who are you, Naomi Campbell?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-04-04 07:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto michigan state +2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 06:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what the fuck?
goddamn ubersite.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 06:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
truth below
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 06:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
truth below
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 06:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wisdom below
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 06:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wisdom below
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 06:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wisdom below
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 06:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wisdom below
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 06:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wisdom below
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-04 06:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and really poor decision on the girl.
I can see how it can happen, but one should never allow the loss of a good friend stop you from trying to get your leg over.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2008-04-04 06:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to pass my number onto the Hot Chick you described at the gym. I'm sure she cant really be all that fat, I mean she's at a Gym right? You guys will all be laughing on the other side of your faces when she turns into slim and beautiful after all those work outs.
and the skin removal treatment.
And the stretchmark cream has been applied.
and I put her in more suitable clothes.
Get her to give me a call on 0044 BLUBBER LOVER
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 06:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i have only minute traces of israeli lineage, the other 99% of my blood being swedish and norwegian, and somehow i still got the middle eastern nose and ears. truth be told, the orange shirt makes me appear to be less pale, especially if i put a black tee beneath it, but nothing helps the ears except for the camera angle. also my "beard" hides my double chin.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 05:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh and believe me, i know all about how badly i fucked up.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-04 05:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
On the good side however, the orange t shirt makes your ears look normal.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-04-04 05:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
all european sports are gay, so dont worry about the hat.
i know. i was not a good writer tonight.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-04 05:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
baseball caps are gay
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-04 05:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your fault really though - you should repost with the title "I'm a fucknut and I deserve misery"
That phone is a piece of shit and it deserved to die
This needed some work on the punchlines.