Five Minutes Post But Not Really Because I Went On For Quite A Long Time Sorry: What Happened That One Time I Went Shopping (464 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.96 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ballare (View user info) at 2008-04-04 15:41:18 EDT
Condoms, cat food, peanut butter... Q-tips, cake mix, discount soup - dented cans. A $12 copy of Maximum Overdrive I found under Dora the Explorer: Illegal Immigrants Gone Wild and Jason and the Argonauts. Instant coffee.
I gazed stupidly into my plastic basket and mechanically counted and counted and re-counted my spoils for the day. It was a monthly chore, shopping. The huge and desolate Save-U-Less down the street was a great swirling vacuum of hopelessness and misery, but it was nearby. And it was cheap.
I had struggled with the cat food, because I didn't know what kind of brand The Girl's cat ate, and had spent a lingering half hour sorting through the markdown DVD bin, and so, after a soul-sucking hour and a half later, I was standing in line.
Oh, yes, the line.
Oh, God, the line.
Before me: a foul-smelling, sexually ambiguous geriatric, coupons clutched tightly in fist, cart empty but for three pears places neatly in line. A floppy hat, perched awkwardly atop frazzled white hair, did nothing to offer me any suggestions as to the being's gender.
Behind me: a monstrously fat mouth breather, roughly sucking at the air like it was going out of style. Out of the corner of my eye I could see his huge bulk wrapped around a tiny basket which held, I assumed, various artery-clogging delectables.
And me: skinny. Hungry. Easily trampled, and edible.
In front of the elderly skeleton, the line stretched towards the single flashing light of the single working till among dozens. The single shaggy skid clerk scanned the single items very... very... slowly.
But I was patient. I was stoic. I held my own against this tide of mouldy humanity, counting quietly to myself. I fiddled with my wallet. I prodded at a bag of pudding, carelessly discarded, watching it sag and ooze back into shape. I fingered change in my pockets.
Behind me, I heard the scuffle of the monstrous whale as he impatiently moved his feet. His groceries crinkled as he shifted them around. His breathing grew heavier, wetter, hungrier, and I pressed myself nearer to the ancient one.
I began rehearsing what little of the Jabberwocky I could remember, and had gotten as far as the shunning of the furious Bandersnatch, that beast of dire speed and cunning, when the hat before me began to move forward.
Oh frabjous day! callooh! callay! We all shuffle a few more paces towards freedom!
No longer can my diverting techniques block out the dying gasp of the creature behind me. It has grown too loud to ignore, and I am prepared to turn around and ask him to, at the very least, cover his mouth, or at the very most, rip out his own oesophagus, when the harsh puffing very suddenly stops.
I hold my own breath. Is he executing a three-point turn, backing out and leaving his Twinkies and Wagonwheels, abandoning them to their fates?
"WHAT IS ... TAKING SO ... GOD-DAMN ... LONG!"
His voice is clipped and gulping, and in front of me, the faceless line turns to stare at him. I twist my neck around to be confronted with his round reddened face, his splotched cheeks.
His teeth gnash angrily, his chubby baby hands wave helplessly. Mars bar and wafers and brightly coloured packages spin across the gleaming waxy floor as his red basket clatters to the ground.
"CAN'T ... YOU ... FUCKING PEOPLE ... MOVE ANY FASTER!"
We stare, en-masse, as he throws his arms wide, as though to encompass us all. Lips moving wordlessly, he stares back, his entire face moving and wobbling, purpling with effort.
There is a long silent moment as he stands frozen, gawping furiously.
And then, with a surprised gasp, he falls face-first towards me, dead.
For a long silent moment, we gaze at his still-quivering corpulent bulk.
The long silent moment is broken by a store-wide hiss and crackle as an ancient PA system rustles to life.
"Cashier to open till eighteen, repeat, cashier to open till eighteen."
User Reviews
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-04-09 03:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-04-07 10:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
because you're sexy
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-04-05 11:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-04-05 07:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-04-05 02:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh oh oh yeah it's fiction
I don't drink instant coffee, eugh
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-05 01:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA I know what instant coffee is dear, but I just mean that I'm a coffee snob and it's really a fucking travesty is all.
If this is because it was just fiction, I;m glad. Because good writers deserve good coffee. yeah
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-04-04 22:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-04-04 21:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-04 20:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-04-04 20:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-04-04 19:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just sneezed so hard I broke my necklace
hahahahaha
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-04-04 19:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this raises an interesting point, I don't think I've ever actually seen a bag of pudding. but http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Instant_coffee
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-04-04 19:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
INSTANT coffee?
BAG of pudding?
What the hell??
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-04-04 18:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
chick buying condoms... means she's totally a slut ... AWESOME!!!!
I mean you're not a SLUT slut but rather a liberated woman with approachable sexual mores.
erm wait
Fat guy dead.... haha!
I am so tired and not making any sense right now
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-04-04 17:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/115915
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. Great Job!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-04-04 16:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And me: skinny. Hungry. Easily trampled, and edible.
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Delectable is more like it, yeeeaaah!
P.S. BRING ME SOLO...AND SOME 'TATO CHIPS
P.P.S. I tend to enjoy your use of adjectives, it was interesting to see how you use them when not describing rotting corpses etc...
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-04-04 15:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-04-04 15:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what are you talking about?
there's no women on the internet
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-04-04 15:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
call me a pig but all women on this site get an ez-pass when it comes to my ratings.
this post was good on its own though.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-04-04 15:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment